Just had an interesting and out of the blue realization. I have since childhood looked at the things my father did and wanted to be more like him, do things with him, envied my cousin for the time he spent with my dad, the things they did together. I always thought it was just being a daddy's girl and jealous of his time spent with anyone else, but maybe it was deeper than that. (Truth: I gagged a little on the use of the term daddy's girl in reference to myself. I was definitely a little girl back then but it still bites a bit.)

So here's the realization and its kinda short and I dunno I haven't really thought fully into it but I felt the need to put it down while it was freshly in my head as not to forget that I had it and recognized it as something of importance to my thoughts on how I got here. I wonder if it has taken as long as it has for me to openly see my genderqueer self and fully feel the feelings of discomfort because of the birth control I was on for nearly ten years. When you have visual cues of masculinely identified traits they give you this to "correct" it. I just wonder if though that was not the intended purpose of my use that side effect produced itself. Maybe I would have wound up shaped, voiced, etc differently if I hadn't had so many issues with hormone levels. The fact that hormone level increase corrected my issue says to me that I didn't have enough of them and maybe life would be different if I hadn't popped a pill to "fix" that.

Ok, maybe they are totally unrelated and nothing would be different except I would have suffered more for the things that plagued me in those ten years. Maybe I'm just finally at a place with myself and the world where I don't care if people think I am different or strange, where I know there are safety nets and support systems that are available if I really need them. As much as I know that maybe its about the nurture sense right now...something inside churns from wondering if maybe there's some nature at play here too. Maybe there is both.

Its days like today, days I don't have often but they tend to plant themselves within my coming out processes that I think, I really wish I had not been so sheltered, I wish I had been allowed to see the people who are the "other" in our society. I grew up in Detroit and I can tell you a lot about families that were roughing it and kids that were only eating lunch because they couldn't afford to eat at home. I can tell you about the fact that it took me a long time to realize that my friends that had darker skin didn't simply tan better. I had a good deal of things that were open to me, but I think they were out of simply being there not anyone who was nurturing me wishing them into existence.

I however didn't know anything about being gay or it being a possible lifestyle, yeah that's what we'll call it, until my cousin came out and it was so shamefully discussed with me that I didn't ask what it was or think about it as a option for me. Even though I had already done homosexual things by that time, not that anyone outside of the person I had done them with knew. It took me stumbling upon a GSA in high school to really get any word on what it was, what it meant and be told, that while the bible says its so wrong which I don't even know that I had heard that argument yet, its just about who we love and its just as natural as being heterosexual.

As for trans, genderqueer, differently gendered etc, that took til high school too. I was introduced to the idea while I was in my senior year of high school and it spoke to me but I wasn't really sure how to get on board. I had been so heavily cultured into my femaleness that getting outside of that box was strange. I loved and appreciate the people I saw taking steps outside of the box of the sex they were born to, but felt behind, unaware, silly to try to open up the possibilities for myself, I told myself I was a girl, I liked girly things and just needed to stop trying to get on board with something I thought was a trendy thing. I thought it was just something new and different and forced myself not to think too much about it. Really I held myself back, how stupid was I? More afraid, I was just starting to come out as not straight and that was charging high enough tolls as it was.

Now though, now I'm starting to think through it more and realize that there is more to it, its not trendy and its not cool but its right for me. This box that was so neatly constructed for me to fit all of my femininity into is getting crowded because while others have been helping me pack a girl into here there's been someone else growing within me and there are just too many likes, dislikes, stories, loves, hurts, pains, traits and what-nots to fit into this place!

There is the part of me that takes comfort in being dad's babydoll and even on occasions mom's princess. There are parts of me that speak and swoon and giggle and talk about things in ways that fully keep up with the girls. The part of me that loves that I was in a sorority and loves my sisters. The part of me that even though I very very very rarely wear that insists that those dresses stay in the closet because she might need them, oh and those heels and tights and push up bras and all that other stuff she's collected for looking sexy lol.

At the same time and often in the same breath there is the part of me that takes comfort in being a significant other's baby boi, boifriend, teddy bare, that cringes at the thought of being someone's girlfriend and would much rather hear someone say he's mine. There is a part of me that speaks and laughs and tackles and punches and talks about things in ways that fully keep up with the boys. That belches and rates them, chugs a beer and thinks man-caves are the greatest shit ever. The part of me that loves my sisters but doesn't feel so comfortable with the sorority part because it lets people know I'm an F. The part of me that pushes those dresses into the back most corner of the closet and wears slacks and a dress shirt and tie, that loves the dark wash denim and dressing it up to look dapper as all get out whenever there's a good reason. Who cuts their hair short and keeps it groomed well, rocks the backwards ball cap and has an obsession with hats that is recently being kept in its place but new hats still find their way in on occasions. The part of me that thinks bras are ridiculous and painful and while binding is a bitch at times its way more comfortable most of the time...though if a sports bra could do the trick it'd be welcome to join daily use, but any way I can hide as much of my chest's fullness as possible is where I'm going to place my loyalties.

At this point I've lost track of where I was going with this so I'm gonna just stop. But its been nice to put this stuff into words and I guess I hope someone is actually reading and thinking and will say something to me about this, though harsh words can be kept to one's self.

butch grammar

I wrote this to submit to Butch 360 but missed the deadline, however wanted to still post so here it goes....

What pronouns/nouns/adjectives do you prefer others to use when talking to or about you? In comparison, are there any that you just can’t stand?

I have for awhile now not liked the use of pronouns at all, since they all connect to a specific gender/sex and I don't really care for that or fully identify with either. I've noticed I'm often less offended by male pronouns, but still resent the assumptions they imply. When any pronouns are used I tend to stick to non-gendered like they/their. While I've been ridiculed about the plural sounding choice, I still prefer them.

Being called someone's girlfriend is also something that pushes a few strange buttons in me, it feels alienating. I tend to stick to more neutral terms like partner or significant other, though boifriend is a fun play on normative relationship titles.

I also find that the person who uses the pronouns/nouns effects how I feel about their use. When it comes to my family for the most part I just smile and nod along with their use of extremely feminine verbage in reference to me, they saw me through the daddy's little girl, pretty princess, ballerina days. But when it comes to friends I have a bigger issue, especially those who declare themselves with in the LGBTQA community. When it comes to professional settings I tend to again smile and nod and put up with choices, though I am working on becoming more comfortable with coming out as not so comfortable with the feminine labels.

One of the biggest things that I am working on as far as words used in the discussion of me is the use of my legal name, its been about five years now that I have introduced myself in social settings by a name other than my given name(bare) and while I know some of my friends have been using that name others have not. I understand that there are people who have used my legal name in reference to me since we met, their making an attempt to not use it would be very much so appreciated and I'm having issues convincing some people to respect that request. I have very recently come up with a new nickname(JC), one that feels appropriate for me to use in both professional and social settings and have hopes that this name will find itself sticking better than the previous. I find this nickname as gender neutral as I seek to have in a name I am regularly regarded by and not quite as much of an eyebrow raiser.

Stitch a chara,

I love you, to the ends of the world and back. You are amazing and beautiful and I am beyond grateful to have you in my life. I don't know how to talk to you about what's going on with me right now but I wish withe very fiber of my being that I could. I just don't know how to talk to you about the fact that I don't trust anyone, especially not myself. I love you and you love me. We both promised we knew what we were saying when we said it, that we truly meant it, so I do not in my rational mind doubt you in the least bit, even in my irrational mind it is not you that I question or doubt. I question myself I wonder if I even know what it is, do I know how to love well enough to deserve what you are giving me in loving me. I feel horrible that I fairly regularly asks you to reaffirm it, but I am beyond happy that you do, and without ever a word of unhappiness for the asking. You assure me that you are serious about loving me without my asking, you laugh along and assure me in my awkward fishing jokes, and whenever we talk about my issues you remind me that you still do; its something I certainly need, I am afraid to lose someone else I love for being too whatever it is I am. The last time I planned a future with someone I was unimaginably hurt and while you are different, this is so familiar that its hard not to think about it. I have to bring myself to see all that sets you apart from that situation, from every situations that's gotten me hurt and then I'll be able to avoid feeling afraid of you, of planning a life with you, and of loving you. You are not like she or any of them ever was. The most important thing is that you when I am with you or not are always on my mind, not in a creepy way but in a if there were to be one person I'd like to share this with kinda way. You are there because you're not interested in loving me with stipulations, with requirements of all of my time and energy and to the extent that I no longer exist when you're done with me. I see this and everyone important to me see this too. The last time I planned to plan out a life with someone I had a crowd of people telling me to be careful, make the decisions that were right for me, if she loves you she'll wait for it to be right for you. This time around everyone can only say they want to meet you, they're excited for me, they think you must be great because I care about you so much and that everything about me now seems happier, healthier. I love you for who you are and who I am with you, I love you for helping me to be someone I love. You found me in a rough patch and without meaning to you're helping me out of it, and when you mean to it helps too. If you can stand to live through this pit I'm in with me I am certain that we will find a place that we will find to be more beautiful that any we have ever known. You care to work and try and commit to this which is beyond amazing to me, I've never felt that entirely encompassed in love. You want to be there for me and comfort me even when you have no idea what to say you're still determined to say something. You say the wrong thing and it doesn't hurt or make me cry or anything because i disagree but because it is only wrong because you are the first person who gets it so well that you do not know how to sooth it away, you want to face it down and talk the details and the realities. I love you for this but I don't know how to deal with this because no one ever gets it enough to force me to deal with it. You when put on the spot answer everything the way they never could, the way I needed someone to, the way that makes me feel bad for having tested you because it feels so natural for you to answer the way you do, to react the way you do, that I never should have questioned it. You are the exact person I need right now, and I hope like hell that you'll be the exact person I need always. I hope you feel the same way and always will too. Be it fate, or destiny, or okcupid that is to blame for us finding each other I am happy that we both chose to move back to Michigan and that you out of nowhere decided to say hi to me again.

i'm rambling again...

It however seems to be the only way I figure things out...seems like no one is reading any more so I guess this might as well be dear diary entries any more but it is what it is...


How do you collect your thoughts well enough to fully share what you are thinking and feeling with someone else?!
I know just barely enough to not lose my mind over the inner turmoil and craziness that ensues over you. Upon my recognition that I do indeed care for you at all. At the realization that I not only care for you but beyond that, I care greatly for you.
How do I share that I care for you to the point of some may say fault?!
To tell you "I love you", the full statement, in every connotation you may derive. to be sure I am ready to care that much, much less have you know that I do, that I am ready for me to know that I do. convincing myself has been hard, convincing others seems to be the only way I have come around to it, having to defend why I think its a good idea to think about much less do has made me understand that I apparently really do. I know that I needed to be sure to convince myself fully to say it with all that must be behind it to give you what you deserve. You deserve me to know that I fully mean and feel all that is in that statement, to feel and mean it with every fiber of my being and beat of my heart, breath that I breath and longing of my soul.
I feel ready to say I need, you. I feel comfortable and confident in needing you. I love that I need you, this time I have chosen it, not been deluded or deceived into it. I am however frightened that I need you, to need anyone is scary. However, I really do feel like I need you for the right reasons, I need you because I have chosen to need you, because I need you due to wanting you so badly, fully, truly. The need for you is not based in your ability to twist and turn my reality into believing that I need you. I do not think like I have in the past, I do not believe that I will cease to have you and thus cease to live if you pass out of my life. I understand that without you I would cease to live the life we have begun to create together, the elements of my life that I have come to have because of my connection to you. I would miss you and not enjoy things that have become important to me because of you or important to us as a unit. Those things that have tied my world together around you would not be the same ever again, might even be things to pass out of my life, despite my connection to them. Despite this I am certain that I would survive.
It sounds harsh to say I would survive without you, but its freeing for me. It sounds like something that should make your heart drop, you are not important to me, not even as much as people in my past. This is however not what I am saying. This concept that I could live without you, sure it sounds harsh but it means to me that I've chosen not to rather than feeling as though I cannot. This is a great feeling for me, an empowering feeling. It all means to me that I have chosen this, rather than being falsely brought to believe. It all means that I choose to keep you, all because I wish to, want to, like to; not because I am too afraid to let go, too afraid to cease to exist, unable to let go.
Thank you for being this for me!

cliches...running through my head

There are these cliche little things that run through my head whenever someone new comes around, whenever a turning point in a relationship happens, whenever I start to doubt or feel too comfortable, they race through at unsurmountable speeds. Somehow I always think them and on regular occasion find myself realizing that I've waited too long to second check a realtionship on these points, or once its over I've been making excuses why its okay just this once, anything to not let go. I find myself again checking someone on this list of things. This time around I'm finding myself happily suprised by the results...but still sure that I need to be more careful than I am being...

take a look around and be sure before you make your decisions...
I try to look around but I'm noticing myself putting on the blinders

jump in feet first if you're going to take a leap at all...
I am definitely going feet first...but I feel my heart migraiting, so maybe I wont bump my head and wake up in six months terribly unhappy but my heart will still be broken if I do find myself losing this one

slow and steady if it's meant to be it'll stand the test of time...
It feels steady, but nothing about this is going slowly. This I find a bit suprising to realize since we talked about both of us wanting to take it slowly and we've still managed to ignore our own decisions, because it just feels right, which is always a good reason but still a detour from the plans.

make sure you're head says go before you let your heart decide...
There is definitely a level of my head being the major factor going right now, but there are just some statements and actions that can't be kept from causing a reaction in one's heart. Seriously she makes me feel warm and fuzzy sometimes and I like that feeling all too well.

absense makes the heart grow fonder...
Boo...seriously I don't want absense...I know its good to have personal time and alla that but I don't like the waiting between seeing one another, there's something so comfortable about being together that I can't seem to not want to be there whenever it is possible!

don't make someone a priority, who makes you only an option...
Now this I've got the lock on, there is no way I will let myself take this trap again. Infact this is the reason we've even started talking, I walked away from the last person who made me feel this way and happened upon this new and amazing person. I've officially deemed her my upgrade. lol

I can't figure out how to even begin to talk about this, this is something entirely new to my world, I don't think I have the words in my vocabulary. I have a pretty great vocabulary, in the arena of discussing relationships I almost never have a lose for words . When it comes to figuring out how to express how I feel, how others feel, the ins and outs of how or why I've pretty much got no shortcomings what-so-ever. I may take issue to expressing my feelings, espeically when they feel bigger than life, directly to the face of the one they're towards but I've still always got the words to process out somewhere. In this case I find myself using cliches and idiocycratic catch phrases. I have never felt so entirely goofy happy or stupid for someone or purely me with someone, especially not this quickly. We talk about the most awkward of topics but they just kinda roll of our tongues as if we're talking about the weather.

Lyrical, Prose Forced to Poetics...Beat! No, there lacks a rhythm...

Music,
a beating,
a pulsing,
a commonality.

Commonality,
a thing in both,
a foundation in both,
a string to tie together.

One day,
taken in stride,
just a breakfast,
then a mall walk,
then a trip,
A2 comith we.

One trip,
the traffic,
the snow,
the stops...
U of M,
Chipolte,
Panera,
Chipolte again,
back to the traffic,
back to the snow,
back home.

Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!

U of M,
free money.

Chipolte,
community found.

Panera,
free food,
cheap food,
venturing back.

Chipolte,
a gift cherished.

Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!

Home,
long enough,
only to shower.

The terror trip,
the first adventure back,
seeing the old place,
yes I went back to P707,
yes I remember our number,
I was 263 got that one too.

Soup getting achieved,
just a quick delivery,
soup delivery,
enjoy!

The thankfulness,
you're amazing,
you're the bomb,
thank you.

Your soup,
deemed worth it,
worth the terror.

Adventure off to home,
I'm staying this time!

Night well slept,
but a fear upon waking,
missing father,
he eventually checked in,
two hours later,
early morning,
not appreciated!

Now the ponderence,
a poeticesk beginning,
discussion of music,
discussion of commonality,
where did that stream go,
nowhere is the truth!

I've told much,
yet withheld just as much,
I've shared things,
words,
poetically,
lyrically,
beat fashion perhaps,
I've told nothing of substance,
what happened,
had less to do with this,
more to do with that,
yet I've given the insight of our day,
who'd've though you can give it all,
and nothing this way?!

Hang on this cliff,
the one I've left,
but don't expect me to come back,
as much as I've told I've said,
I will hold the truth of its importance,
in my depth...
fortress of secrets,
hidden where only the brave dare to go,
none come back the same,
and our secrets will be kept,
for it is only the makers,
who see what the memories have left.

(musicallities posted seperately)

The Musicallities

Such a musical day,
I want to remember every song,
but alas I don't,
so very many songs we shared.

We shared so much music,
yet the radio was so little of it,
we shared lyrics of our day,
some so random based on radio,
some so random based on topics,
something so random based on nothing.

This touch of music between us,
commonality,
drawing us in,
pushing us past comfort,
strange and new,
how'd it happen,
it's a miracle,
after all that's your name,
right.

Trying to piece it together,
tear it apart,
enough to figure out the song's name,
enough to understand why it came up,
enough to explain where it came from,
enough to explain why it is important.

What if I told you it was all meant to be,
would you believe me,
would you agree?

Everything changes but beauty remains,
something so tender I can't explain.
-Kelly Clarkson "A Moment Like This"

How can it not be,
meeting someone who,
makes you feel free to be,
who makes you feel appreciated,
who smirks and thinks others crazy,
at the though of you're the first...
person to treat me well, really.

So everything has changed,
the understanding that it's deserve,
the understanding that you are different,
the understand that this is what I want,
despite what it may be,
feeling treated well,
like a person with you.
You say you're here to make others smile,
mission successful!

The song that drug us in,
into our game of lyrical determination,
what is that song,
how does it go again,
and we started to piece it together,
first lyric of the song we got,
not in order though,

When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about

the original lyric that stared it all from me,
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad

and then the chime in of you,
When you say that you love 'em
And you really know
Everything that used to matter, don't matter no more
Like my money, all my cars
Flowers, cards and candy
Said I'm fortunate to have you girl
I want you to know
I really adore you

and once it started it never stopped...
All my people who know what's going on
Look at your mate, help me sing my song
Tell her I'm your man, you're my girl
I'm gonna tell it to the whole wide world
Ladies say I'm your girl, you're my man
Promise to love you the best I can,
-Usher "U Got It Bad"

we decided it was only appropriate then to YouTube it,
listened to the whole thing through!

Looking out the windows at that snow and traffic,
came the lyrics of the day's descriptions,
a song new to me but appropriate,
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life,
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I am glad I survived. 
-System of a Down "Loneliest Day of My Life"
the song went on,
but this was what we really took to!

Random favorites,
I'd forgotten about,
still hitting your register,
brought back to me,
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
-Staind "Outside"
The lyrics I recalled,
the lyrics that we screamed.

It was among the few,
the few that we listened to,
that happened upon us,
from the radio speakers,
"Just the Way You Are"-Bruno Mars,
hit a sync,
without meaning to,
I signed it,
you noticed,
interestingly fun time,
a single interesting interaction,
who'd've guessed,
no one ever notices that.

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile,
cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

A grand turning point,
where our sing along,
became don't forget the lyrics,
and the musical of our day,
took root.

I was thinkin' about her, thinkin' bout me!
Thinkin' 'bout us, what we gonna be.
Open my eyes, it was only just a dream.
So, I travel back, down the road.
When she'll come back? No one knows.
I realized that it was only just a dream.
-Usher? Nelly? "Just a Dream"

Last to be mentioned,
second to be heard,
only to not really matter,
the beat was great,
made us start our Usher debate,
fin.

...hold tight...

yes i do…
i want you to hold me,
is it wrong to want you to?
you asked me if i did the other night,
i responded with a sidelong look.
maybe you didn’t understand what it meant,
my look meant dear god please do.
i don’t think you got that.
guess if there is a next time you ask,
my answer will have to be please do.
just be more forward about wants/needs…
then you’ll be less shy or nervous,
then you’ll wrap your arm around me,
then you’ll feel comfortable hugging me,
then maybe you’ll more than hug me,
then you’ll sit closer during our movies,
then you wont bite your nails,
then you’ll get its not a mistake,
you’ll understand I’m touching you purposefully.
i hope you ask me again,
i really truly do.

apparently I've been writing these for ages...

Looking out for this:
midnight car rides to absolutely nowhere with someone who
understands the entire point of the game is just to play it
kisses that scramble your brain processes and numb your body
but to the tingles and sparks they create in you

that person who helps you understand the statement
"Time Flies When You're Having Fun"
that touch that stops everything, not long enough
to be noticed by anyone else but the two of you,
but lets you know that there is something absolutely perfect
 and magical there

that voice that can make you forget your fears and
help you to dry your tears

that look that both calms and excites you,
 even when its just for a split second across a crowded room

that one who sees past all of the fronts

the one who in perfect silence you can express so much more
than can be said with anyone else in words

the one who makes you say, "so we do all that shit I've always
made fun of others for, but I don't even care that they're making
fun of us for it now"

that one whom as you scamper off to curl up in your corner
with the things you use to bring yourself warmth and comfort,
a part of all you use to woo yourself to sleep is thoughts of them

Twenty-Five List

Roughly two years ago there was this trend on facebook to put up a list of twenty-five I guess you could call them facts or confessions.


These are those I wrote then...I think they're pretty much the same these days, I read through and made minor adjustments...seems I'm not changing very quickly.


#1
When I filled this in I couldn't decided on what should be most or least important I just filled the spaces in completely out of order. I couldn't figure out what to do with number one; no matter what, whatever I put here, it gives off an impression of me, so I decided to tell you how I filled it in. This says something about me, this says something really big...I just hope no one understands it because its a trait I'm not entirely proud of myself for...yet.


#2
For a very long time I had absolutely zero nicknames and I hated it, and then now I look at it and realize I have a lot of them, they just kinda happened and as much as some of them are only one person I love it. They make me feel like I have accomplished something, they make me feel kinda important, I dunno I like it though.


#3
I never give up on people, they may fall out of my life and we don't talk for a very long time but somewhere deep down I will always care for you if I have ever cared for you. I am always just on the other end of a post card, note, letter, phone call, shit stop by and visit I don't care, I am always there. I have one hundred and seventy-seven numbers in my phone and I use on average probably ten of them in any given month. I keep any mode of communication I have/had with a person just in case they need me, trust me there have been people who've suddenly popped back in...and been surprised that I hadn't deleted them from my life.


#4
I love my family to death but I am not very close to any of them any more, I've lived so far from half of them that things kinda just never formed to amazingly there and I'd love to make it happen, I really am debating on moving to be near them after everything is over just to be able to be close to them because I feel like they're the more closely knit, family typed side of my family. I have lived near the other side of the family all of my life and I feel like they've come to a point where almost everyone has become completely involved in their own lives and its just pointless to drag them out of it, they still get together for the holidays specifically but it just doesn't feel like enough.

#5
I am in a sorority and for as much shit as I get for it I still love it, and the girls. Almost everyone I know thinks its hilarious that I would do something like that to myself and can't believe it, I don't know if they ever will some of them. As much shit as I get and get put through to be a part of this, I feel like these ladies are a big part of my life and I'm grateful for them, even the ones that drive me up the wall every chance they get. They are my family and always will be, its taken me a very long time to realize what they mean and be able to say it out loud but they're very important and very much so family to me.


#6
I have dated more guys than girls and this fact often shocks people.


#7
Since I have come out, I have slowly but surely become more and more butch in appearance and attitude. Each time I come out to a new person, I think the person I am tends to comes out just a little bit more. (I now realize that this is oh so true, the only thing is that I have also  realized that I can be whomever I want to be. I am now coming to terms with being whomever I want to be and I love it! I am pretty much so fully out and learning with it to be fully me in every way that I have dropped to stop just fitting into what others expect of me and picked up whatever I want to to be me.)


#8
I am a blonde and I feel like I break the stereotypes. I don't tend to have any more "blonde moments" than anyone with not a single blonde hair in their head. I say or do silly and totally off the wall, make no sense things sometimes...but its not because of my hair color, I blame my friends for rubbing off lol, that and I figure with how perfectly logical, mother hen I am 90% of the time, at least, I need to have some pretty big totally off moments to reconcile that I am no where near the age to be doing that for everyone. I'm still a kid for the most part and well the silly stuff balances it out so I seem to maybe act my age every once in a while.


#9
I have always had a house to go to but for a very long time I have not really considered anywhere home. I've been trying to make somewhere home so I tend to say I am going home whenever I am going to anywhere I will be staying for awhile, both of my parents houses and school have gotten this title in the last few years. I recently thought I was going to find myself a home, but those plans fell through so we'll see if I get them again.


#10
I have never had sex with anyone of the male species, as far as I know. I have had plenty of opportunities and did not take them, and will likely not be taking any any time soon. I do however think that I will try to make a baby the all natural way if I ever do decide to get pregnant.


#11
I feel as though I can safely say I've been truly in-love once in my twenty years. I fell very quickly for this person, I loved them with my entire heart, I know for certain that they will always be a part of who I am, especially because they have effected my manorisms and speech patters in their time in my life. I can honestly say that I don't feel like I made any mistakes with them, I look back and wish I would have done some things now but I think they'd have been great but were not things to regret not doing. I have loved many before that person, I will likely love many after that person, but no one will ever be that person and I am not yet sure if I will be truly in-love again after them, I can only hope.
(Side note: this is the only one that I put on a specific number for a specific reason.)


#12
No matter what my life turns out to be, I know for certain that I want it to be something worth someone remembering. I want to be in someone's heart when I pass away. I want people to remember me for something nice I said or did, something life changing that I was apart of, I just don't want to be gone forever when I die, I want to live on in someone's memory for just a little while longer than I live on in this world.


#13
I have this saying and I think it's true...I am the girl your parents didn't warn you about, but they should not feel bad for not warning you about me because I try to be someone they truly hoped you would meet. I want to be the person parents love that their child has.


#14
I have fallen out of touch with a lot of people in my life, my plans to go home for school I think will be good for getting myself reacquainted with these people, I have numbers and addresses and I really think I'll try to put them to good use and see these people because they have really made me the person I am, they were best friends, first crushes, the family that isn't really related but they are just or more important.

#15
I am terrified of the future, I think I've started to figure some things out, like where I want to go to grad school, a decision that was really needing to be come up with pretty quickly, but I don't really have my life figured past that. I know I want to go somewhere that isn't home and do something amazing for people, I really think I'm going to pursue the corrections end of social work, it just feels right and I think it might be fun to do that in a big city. I just don't know where to go, I fear change so often and hate being all alone in new places so I don't know what to do. I'd like to move really far away but I think I'd be afraid to never see anyone again, and I am most afraid that I'll wind up staying home for the rest of my life, I mean get a place of my own but never branch out and do the things I've put into my head that I need to do for me.


#16
I don't like new places, they terrify me, I don't like being alone in the world and I've always felt like a small not even blimp on the radar. I am good at going places when I have just one or two people I know I can fall back on, sorta my fail safe so that I don't have to instantly start finding new people and figuring things out past just surviving. I am constantly told that I leave a great mark on all those who know me, or of me and in high school one of our star football players put me down as his senior crush, I didn't even know my name was known in those kinds of circles...


#17
I love quotes, I don't always remember them but I do love them. I could probably sit around and read them all day and not be bored. I get them sent to my phone and need to start putting them on my computer so that I can continue to receive text messages since they're clogging up my inbox far too much.


#18
I don't think I've really truly worked my ass off for anything in my life. This is not because I am lazy, I just haven't ever really wanted something outside of my ability to get with little or no work. My parents have always taken exceptionally good care of me and had the money to give me things like a college education, clothes on my back, food to eat, those wonderful things. I have never been one to be exceptionally materialistic, if I want it and I can't afford it I generally realize I don't really need it or I can have it later when I can afford it, I've saved a few times for stuff but I didn't have to bust my ass to get the savings together. I dunno maybe I need to expect more of and for myself but I just don't tend to see the point.


#19
I was one of those people who went to college knowing exactly what they wanted to do with their life, major already figured out and declared...and then I changed my mind. I don't know if I changed my mind because of the program here not being one that I was interested in being a part of or if it was truly about wanting to pursue something different than what I started with, I stayed fairly close to my original goals for a year and a half before I changed my mind. I know however now that regardless of what got me here I really think I'll be happy with what I am doing and would never have quite found my way to it in the original choice I came in with made up for myself. I have far more passion for this and will do a better job in the end I feel.


#20
I am a major flirt, I don't do it on purpose, I tend to not notice when I am doing it,and apparently even my shy tendencies come off as cute and flirty. More recently I've come to realize that I flirt in many ways common to boys and girls, and depending on whether or not I really like someone changes which I end up doing more...


#21
I define myself as monotheistic, this scares my father for reason I don't understand. This for me atleast simply means, I believe there is one higher being, for simplicity sake I tend to call this being God. I believe that this being has a hand in all that has and will happen in the life of everyone and everything everywhere. I am completely open to hearing what others thoughts are, but I hate when I am made to feel stupid because I can't quote you back the bible or tell you somewhere to find exactly why I have the feelings I do about things...my feelings about religion and my own religion have come from my own experiences, my own interactions and reactions to "my God", I have always had this understanding of God being like a best friend, someone who you can tell anything and everything and while it is said that they already know it all, I still stand by the idea of free-will so God does nothing about it until I have asked for something to be done, at least in matters that need be my choice.


#22
I do not know much of my life but two things I have always know is that I want to have a home of my own, with or without a spouse, though I'd love to have someone by my side through this crazy game of life. Also, I want to have children, adopted, birthed, fostered...however it works I want them and I want to make a very good impact on their lives.


#23
I read through other peoples lists of twenty five as I was writing mine to come up with ideas for what to write about myself because I don't tend to think about who I am and what that means very often so I hit a wall on coming up with my own ideas of what might be good to know about me.


#24
I constantly underestimate myself and get yelled at about it. I just don't think I am all that special and the things that people see about me to be special I feel like are things that everyone should have or do. Why is is soo great to get good grades, be kind to others, care about people who may or may not care about you, see someone having a hard time or bad day and actually want to do something to make their life better even if its just for a second to stop and make them smile...I dunno I guess I'm different than most in these regards.


#25
I rely on people far more than I should sometimes and I think that's a reason why they love me. As bad as it is I don't think I'll ever change that about myself, I am learning to be more independent and self reliant I just don't want to ever become completely capable of taking care of myself entirely without anyone else. I want to grow up to have a rock...I don't care what anyone else thinks of it, I want to have someone who keeps me rooted where I am and takes care of me whenever I need it, whether I want it or not.


( This is sorta like an extra one...this took me far longer than I expected it to, I put myself under the microscope and really thought about these so I really hope that you have read all of these and enjoyed them because I put myself on the line and really forced myself to think a lot while writing this.)

Reality over Fantasy

• Someone who feels like home
• Someone who can always be my first call
• Someone who makes me feel safe and protected
• Someone who knows how to make everything okay with a call or a hug
• Someone I never feel bad about wanting or needing for any reason
• Someone who when cuddled up together
  *nothing else matters
  *there is a complete sense of safety
  *all that has gone bad can be forgotten
• Someone that respects when I don’t want to talk about something, but is also all ears when I do.
• Someone who can be the source of a smile when I really need a happy distraction.
• Someone who knows that I can bold my own in hearted arguments, but doesn’t assume I like to have them
• Someone who is honest, and has no desire to lie to me
• Someone who is kind and compassionate
• Someone who wont cheat, and if they did they would be honest about it
• Someone who can be supportive of individuals goals, even when they add short term barriers to the relationship
• Someone who is not regularly passive-aggressive with me
• Someone who understand the weight of a promise and thus keeps all those they can
• Someone who loves me with only one condition, I love them as well.
• Someone who makes me feel like a priority
• Someone who understands that not everything will always be easy and we may have hard times where we have to work for our relationship
• Someone who sees all of my little imperfections and loves me for them not despite them
• Someone who knows love is not something that can be expressed simply through purchasable
• Someone who does not seek to always keep score (wrongs, sacrifices made, etc)
• Someone who does not have a defeatist attitude, especially when it is about our relationship
• Someone who can hold their own in intellectual conversation, or at least listen gracefully and learn something
• Someone who is passionate, whatever the topic

redefining self

The predicament...

Going on a date where I feel out butched is a really an interestingly strange place for me to be. I have never felt out butched by anyone I've ever been with, there has always been some element of the relationship that left butchness of each member of the pair relatively equivalent. Even when I identified femme of center I never found myself feeling out butched, which is really a strangely powerful statement when considered.

As someone who has come to really find butch of center a place I can call home it is a strange feeling to feel out butched, I don't have an issue with it, I know that there are a great deal of individuals who are "more butch" than me. There are tons of characteristics that one attributes to butchness and I am very aware that I am not as butch as the stereotypical butch with all of the tough around the edges and emotionally in control, all of that "boi crap". There have just not been situations where I have been interested mutually in someone who leaves me with that feeling.

Despite my butch of center identification, this sense of being out butched and the grrl is an interestingly strange and new homely place. I've never really found myself falling into the hetero normalizing of my relationships. The idea that one person is the boi and the other the grrl has never appealed to me, maybe because it has simply never happened or maybe because I don't like it, I don't know that I've ever had to consider that before. I have always been a soft butch, I've always embarrassed the position. I have always had an attraction to others who are identified as butch of center as well. With that said I think there has been so much of no need for boi and grrl because there is so much equality in the butch-ness and femme-ness and whatever-ness there is to be present in a person. I have never found the proportions of a relationships to be quite as cut and dry as to be placed into the hetero normative positions.Being in the situation to have to think about it, I don't mind it so much. Strangely enough, when discussing the fact that it was once said, "I am the boi," about a family questioning session; I couldn't help but think, "yes you are!" and even smile a little at the though.

All of this brings back my once present far more femininely expressed physical presentation. The way that I was when I first began to accept my own orientation, when I kept myself far more feminine in an effort to "pass".  Since then I've noticed myself moving towards a far more masculine presentation, being the butch boi that I am expected to be based on some of the internal identifications and the far more stereotypical "lesbian" look and feel. I'm really noting that my choice to present that way is a lot less to do with my personal desires to physically look the way I do and more to do with how I am expected to. I'm growing into being myself whatever that means and despite what that makes others feel or think, but seemingly this being out butched and the grrl in the situation really seems to be a great place to be with this new choice. Having a sense of being in a place to be whoever I will, and that it'll be taken at face value, that I am not expected to be anything more or less than exactly who I am. There feels like so much more of a I want to know what this can be than expectations of who or what I am or should be.

Thinking about all of this has left me redefining myself and my own place in the continuum, where I want to be verses where I have allowed myself to be or others perceive me to be. I still connect very whole heartedly to my butch of center identity I know that for certain. I'm finding the idea of butch and boi to not have to be synonymous, and liking it. I have not thought it needed to but the longer I do find myself identifying butch the more I've been expected to be boish. I am finding myself comfortably set into being grrl and butch and the two really coexisting in one space and person without conflict. It is an interestingly strange place to be where I feel like I can be both, after years standing behind the butch boi toughness and hardened wall. This place where I can call myself, grrl/boi/grrly boi/whatever I want to choose today is entirely gratifying and freeing. The feeling that I can be and share all of my butch of center tough and soft all at the same time.

I love the new labeling I'm finding for myself where I don't have to be anything I don't want to and can be everything I wish to...Butch Grrl, that's me and it's the best me I've ever been! Now all I have to do is figure out what the hell that even means?! This is me setting off on a new adventure to figure out how I define this new self labeling, this label that feels so much realer than just butch ever did, than boi ever did and lets me embrace grrl without the strange and uncomfortable feelings its left me with before.

super heros

Topic: Who is/was your favorite superhero? Why? (Bonus points if you owned the Underoos)

I was never really encouraged in my butcher ways as a child, ballet was much more acceptable in my home. This being said I never really got into the whole super heros following as a child with comics or cartoons. I still haven’t really gotten around to much of it but based on the super hero knowledge I have acquired later in life I’d say its a tie between Spiderman and Batman. I really like Spidy’s story and the movies. However Batman has a pretty awesome story himself, and well maybe some of the movies are a little as a friend once put it out right DUMB! that’s the directors not the hero.
All of that being said, I tend to lean towards Batman more, for the silliest of reasons but its my own and I own it. One of my ex fiancee’s best friends gave me the nickname of Batman. This happened when he saw a picture of me on her phone and thought that I was her boyfriend because of the butchness of my appearance in it. She then showed him a picture of me much more femininely dress and he then decided I looked so differently between the two that I must have an alterego like a super hero. This was the day when butch me became Batman and femme me became Bruce Wayne.
As for owning the underoos, I’ll do you one better, I’ve got a full get up (boxers,t-shirt, and hat)…that I may wear on occasion to “strut my stuff” lol.

accesorizing lol

Topic: What one accessory or piece of clothing makes you feel the most butch?

I would have to say my hats are what make me feel most butch as far as a physical item goes. I feel a sense of always being able to hide what usually is the most dictated by someone else and giving away of my femininity. I am regularly asked for various reasons to grow my hair out and my ball caps and other hats are sort of my security blanket into this strange world of female identity fully visual.

favorite season

Topic: What is your favorite season? Is there one in particular that speaks to your butch identity?

My favorite season would definitely have to be Fall. The weather allows me to break out some of my favorite clothes, many of them being my more gender blending of items. The cooler weather really lends itself to these items very nicely. A big one is that Fall binding is way easier; my binding never seems to be overwhelming or sweaty to be in, its cool enough that the wearing of it makes me feel nicely warm, keeping my body heat to myself. In contrast the summer is a very unappealing time for me with binding as I get sweaty and clammy and tend to experience a good deal of breathing issues.

As for these clothing items I so love, its never too warm for a nice button down, or a sweater vest. I have a Henley that is probably one of my favorite clothing items, it makes me feel soo at home with myself and my appearance. The use of baggier clothing that hide certain more feminine features is highly possible in the fall. Along with baggier clothing its easier to layer in things that add a more masculine feel than the summer necessity to wear as little as possible whenever possible. I feel a lot of my personality expression in clothing is centered around a nice pair of jeans or fun pair of shorts (I’m especially fond of plaids), a quirky t-shirt and just right fitting hoodie, all of which feel just a little bit more me when I can use my binding, or the items themselves, to hide some things mother nature felt more necessary than I. I also find that the shoe wear for fall is much more blending for me as well, the use of closed toe seems to make me feel more masculine at least. Finally the weather being cooler is much more appealing for hats, an item I have previously blogged about being something that feels like a security blanket for me, I bring out more hats and wear them more frequently in the fall which makes me a very happy boi.

I’ve already mentioned the major reason why Summer is absolutely off the list. As for winter and spring, I’d say spring is probably a tie for this, but something about fall makes me feel more warm and fuzzy so it got the bid. Winter however has a very clear rule out like summer. Winter for me is a time of over bundling and really dressing far more for necessity than style/fashion/anything else. I like the fashionably warm looks I can pull off in Fall. I also find that no matter how hard I wish for it, my body does not conform to the traditional cuts of a male body, this being said many winter jackets and other masculinely defined winter items fit me in the “boyfriend’s jeans” kinda way…I don’t want them to look like I stole them from a boy, I want to look like I’m the boi who’s closet they are from.

Ideologies

I would like to think that I have always been aware that everyone approaches situations with their own individual set of ideologies. These ideologies come from everything they have seen or heard or experienced in some fashion. What we have done is how we shape together what we wish to do again or never wish to do again. It is also contributing to the way we interpret others actions and behavior patterns and words. I have known this in many instinctual ways based if nothing else on own experience with my formation of these constructs. I was given the vocabulary to really talk about it in my studies since a big part of a social workers job is to recognize where clients are and meet them there without judgement or condemnation. Needless to say the whole topic is not one I am all too far from having a stew of thoughts going somewhere in my head.
I guess now would be where I make the point of my ramblings thus far. Even with the genuine strives towards acknowledging the fact that ideologies are present in all of us and can be found to conflict in any of a million ways on any of an infinite number of topics or rationalizations. I still find myself amazed that there is a sense of what it means to be safe and protected and loved that even among some that would seem well established to be close enough in ideology to place the statements on the topics into the world with similar constructs of meaning there is disagreement in very fundamental and crucially dividing ways.
I for one have always said that safety and security and protection are things i seek in life and thus the ability to make me feel that way a trait I seek in life partners. I am noticing what seems to be a divide in ideologies over my expression of this in my previous blog. I do not know if it is my left of center self expression that makes this desire in many senses entirely fundamentally different from that of other ideologies but i have never seen to be any great challenge to meet. I can not say I have before recently had anyone bring to my attention that it is not necessarily something they could do. It is to me a sign of fundamental differentiation that ultimately proves more in the lack of understanding or seeking of further clarification to me that shows it was a need that would not have been met not because it was impossible to ask but because the defeated attitude was already established so there would not be a high probability of trying to meet it.

Relationship Needs...

I posted this somewhere else but I've decided to start funneling everything onto here so here it is...


In relationships safe and protected are at the top of my list of feelings I look for, for it to be a mutual feeling.
There is nothing I love more than to know
1.that person can make everything okay again, even when my world's been turned on its head, with just a hug or by hearing their voice.
2.that they can be my first call, because it just makes sense to want them to make it better, and that there is never a time that I cannot call, even if its just to say hi because I miss them, but especially when I need to be talked down from a bad dream or horrible event.
3.laying down together, wrapped up in each other's arms, the world disappears because nothing matters more than that moment, and feeling the safest possible in the whole world right there.
Without a doubt I wouldn't love it nearly as much if it wasn't something that it goes both ways.

Screaming Infidelities

Screaming...loudness I'm refusing to hold back any longer
Infidelities...a lack of christian faith...a breach of trust or a disloyal act, a transgression.
 
Why am I left to feel myself in this horrible place of only being only describable with those two words?  

How did I get myself to here? Why do I stay here? 
How do I let myself be that person? Why do I continue down the path that gets me here? 
How do I let myself stay with someone who makes it true? Why do I let you put me in this place?
How do I end up in this? Why do I stay? 
How do I say I have to leave it? Why don't we both adapt to not need this?
How do I not hurt anyone in my departure? Why does anyone have to be hurt? Why do I have to depart? 

I can't answer, wont answer, must answer, mighty break...who's to blame?!

Thinking Thinking Thinking...Thought

I realized the random-est of things in the last few days. When I am in need of a place all to myself, I no longer use my words and whispers to tell myself my needs, wants, desires...I sign them to myself. I find myself signing as much as possible but I literally have self communication sessions with myself. I find myself sitting in my car signing everything I think, I must remember the signs, my way to practice yet don't see it as practicing any longer, I enjoy the use of sign language to talk to myself, to express my thoughts, feelings and needs with myself. This new means of communication is the best gift I've given myself in a long time, and as much as I will use it wisely in my career in the future, it is doing great empowering things for me right now in my own little one person world.