I love the me I am with you, not because I need you to complete me or because I do not love myself alone.
I love the me that is part of us, because I think its the me I was meant to be and because I think this is the love I'm deserving of.
I love this me because I think who I was always meant to be was a me that had it in their heart to be a part of this us.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I Love This Me
Saturday, March 24, 2012
the great divide
I so rarely go here that I had forgotten how much it bothers me, irritates me, hurts me and leaves me feeling torn in half...I'd really completely forgotten how it makes me feel all together.
I've been in a baseline, moderate, whole place for several months now and this feeling of the great divide ripping me in two seems to hurt extra, tearing at a wound that had healed up so much better this time around, the tear is almost fresh...
dearest mania,
I love you,
how couldn't I?!
marvelous depression,
I love you,
you cradle me sweetly,
we hide together so well!
on nights like these,
when you've both evaded me,
been gone out of my daily for so long,
I don't know who to pick.
nails on the canvas,
sounds so much more beautiful than it feels,
or maybe I liked the way it feels...
I can't recall but I remember crying the last time I thought about it,
maybe it hurts or maybe I just don't like that any more...
oh darling depression I forget so much of you,
I apologize but we know it was safe and wise,
we weren't meant to be together forever,
it was always a losing race.
car into a brick wall,
well that'd sure make it hard to get anywhere else,
but maybe I wouldn't need to go anywhere else any how,
maybe barbie and I could just take our final ride...
maybe just speed around town with the windows down,
its even warm enough to not freeze to death,
not sure if that's good or bad yet...
I image its just a detail.
ah the loveliness of a midnight drive to nowhere,
the speeding on empty streets,
the peace that comes,
if I could only control the crazy right now it might be great...
I know we're hanging out,
hanging tight so tight,
strangle you if you try to get away tight,
right now mania...
I know you'll win and get me into trouble...
I'm not sure of the rules of this game,
the places where its safe to be unsafe,
I know it'd end badly...
without knowledge of the safe havens tonight.
there are so many enemies to the baseline,
two of them the things that rip me in two,
both enemies,
both out to get the baseline...
who'll likely be back tomorrow,
into a place they don't want to be...
maybe they'll be scars,
maybe they'll be legal repercussions,
maybe they'll be someone laying next to us in bed,
all the maybes that depression and mania could lead baseline to...
why must such wicked enemies hide behind these green hues?!
I know I said I love you,
I do...
but when we last departed
I was happy to have seen the last of yous.
I've been in a baseline, moderate, whole place for several months now and this feeling of the great divide ripping me in two seems to hurt extra, tearing at a wound that had healed up so much better this time around, the tear is almost fresh...
dearest mania,
I love you,
how couldn't I?!
marvelous depression,
I love you,
you cradle me sweetly,
we hide together so well!
on nights like these,
when you've both evaded me,
been gone out of my daily for so long,
I don't know who to pick.
nails on the canvas,
sounds so much more beautiful than it feels,
or maybe I liked the way it feels...
I can't recall but I remember crying the last time I thought about it,
maybe it hurts or maybe I just don't like that any more...
oh darling depression I forget so much of you,
I apologize but we know it was safe and wise,
we weren't meant to be together forever,
it was always a losing race.
car into a brick wall,
well that'd sure make it hard to get anywhere else,
but maybe I wouldn't need to go anywhere else any how,
maybe barbie and I could just take our final ride...
maybe just speed around town with the windows down,
its even warm enough to not freeze to death,
not sure if that's good or bad yet...
I image its just a detail.
ah the loveliness of a midnight drive to nowhere,
the speeding on empty streets,
the peace that comes,
if I could only control the crazy right now it might be great...
I know we're hanging out,
hanging tight so tight,
strangle you if you try to get away tight,
right now mania...
I know you'll win and get me into trouble...
I'm not sure of the rules of this game,
the places where its safe to be unsafe,
I know it'd end badly...
without knowledge of the safe havens tonight.
there are so many enemies to the baseline,
two of them the things that rip me in two,
both enemies,
both out to get the baseline...
who'll likely be back tomorrow,
into a place they don't want to be...
maybe they'll be scars,
maybe they'll be legal repercussions,
maybe they'll be someone laying next to us in bed,
all the maybes that depression and mania could lead baseline to...
why must such wicked enemies hide behind these green hues?!
I know I said I love you,
I do...
but when we last departed
I was happy to have seen the last of yous.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Just had an interesting and out of the blue realization. I have since childhood looked at the things my father did and wanted to be more like him, do things with him, envied my cousin for the time he spent with my dad, the things they did together. I always thought it was just being a daddy's girl and jealous of his time spent with anyone else, but maybe it was deeper than that. (Truth: I gagged a little on the use of the term daddy's girl in reference to myself. I was definitely a little girl back then but it still bites a bit.)
So here's the realization and its kinda short and I dunno I haven't really thought fully into it but I felt the need to put it down while it was freshly in my head as not to forget that I had it and recognized it as something of importance to my thoughts on how I got here. I wonder if it has taken as long as it has for me to openly see my genderqueer self and fully feel the feelings of discomfort because of the birth control I was on for nearly ten years. When you have visual cues of masculinely identified traits they give you this to "correct" it. I just wonder if though that was not the intended purpose of my use that side effect produced itself. Maybe I would have wound up shaped, voiced, etc differently if I hadn't had so many issues with hormone levels. The fact that hormone level increase corrected my issue says to me that I didn't have enough of them and maybe life would be different if I hadn't popped a pill to "fix" that.
Ok, maybe they are totally unrelated and nothing would be different except I would have suffered more for the things that plagued me in those ten years. Maybe I'm just finally at a place with myself and the world where I don't care if people think I am different or strange, where I know there are safety nets and support systems that are available if I really need them. As much as I know that maybe its about the nurture sense right now...something inside churns from wondering if maybe there's some nature at play here too. Maybe there is both.
Its days like today, days I don't have often but they tend to plant themselves within my coming out processes that I think, I really wish I had not been so sheltered, I wish I had been allowed to see the people who are the "other" in our society. I grew up in Detroit and I can tell you a lot about families that were roughing it and kids that were only eating lunch because they couldn't afford to eat at home. I can tell you about the fact that it took me a long time to realize that my friends that had darker skin didn't simply tan better. I had a good deal of things that were open to me, but I think they were out of simply being there not anyone who was nurturing me wishing them into existence.
I however didn't know anything about being gay or it being a possible lifestyle, yeah that's what we'll call it, until my cousin came out and it was so shamefully discussed with me that I didn't ask what it was or think about it as a option for me. Even though I had already done homosexual things by that time, not that anyone outside of the person I had done them with knew. It took me stumbling upon a GSA in high school to really get any word on what it was, what it meant and be told, that while the bible says its so wrong which I don't even know that I had heard that argument yet, its just about who we love and its just as natural as being heterosexual.
As for trans, genderqueer, differently gendered etc, that took til high school too. I was introduced to the idea while I was in my senior year of high school and it spoke to me but I wasn't really sure how to get on board. I had been so heavily cultured into my femaleness that getting outside of that box was strange. I loved and appreciate the people I saw taking steps outside of the box of the sex they were born to, but felt behind, unaware, silly to try to open up the possibilities for myself, I told myself I was a girl, I liked girly things and just needed to stop trying to get on board with something I thought was a trendy thing. I thought it was just something new and different and forced myself not to think too much about it. Really I held myself back, how stupid was I? More afraid, I was just starting to come out as not straight and that was charging high enough tolls as it was.
Now though, now I'm starting to think through it more and realize that there is more to it, its not trendy and its not cool but its right for me. This box that was so neatly constructed for me to fit all of my femininity into is getting crowded because while others have been helping me pack a girl into here there's been someone else growing within me and there are just too many likes, dislikes, stories, loves, hurts, pains, traits and what-nots to fit into this place!
There is the part of me that takes comfort in being dad's babydoll and even on occasions mom's princess. There are parts of me that speak and swoon and giggle and talk about things in ways that fully keep up with the girls. The part of me that loves that I was in a sorority and loves my sisters. The part of me that even though I very very very rarely wear that insists that those dresses stay in the closet because she might need them, oh and those heels and tights and push up bras and all that other stuff she's collected for looking sexy lol.
At the same time and often in the same breath there is the part of me that takes comfort in being a significant other's baby boi, boifriend, teddy bare, that cringes at the thought of being someone's girlfriend and would much rather hear someone say he's mine. There is a part of me that speaks and laughs and tackles and punches and talks about things in ways that fully keep up with the boys. That belches and rates them, chugs a beer and thinks man-caves are the greatest shit ever. The part of me that loves my sisters but doesn't feel so comfortable with the sorority part because it lets people know I'm an F. The part of me that pushes those dresses into the back most corner of the closet and wears slacks and a dress shirt and tie, that loves the dark wash denim and dressing it up to look dapper as all get out whenever there's a good reason. Who cuts their hair short and keeps it groomed well, rocks the backwards ball cap and has an obsession with hats that is recently being kept in its place but new hats still find their way in on occasions. The part of me that thinks bras are ridiculous and painful and while binding is a bitch at times its way more comfortable most of the time...though if a sports bra could do the trick it'd be welcome to join daily use, but any way I can hide as much of my chest's fullness as possible is where I'm going to place my loyalties.
At this point I've lost track of where I was going with this so I'm gonna just stop. But its been nice to put this stuff into words and I guess I hope someone is actually reading and thinking and will say something to me about this, though harsh words can be kept to one's self.
So here's the realization and its kinda short and I dunno I haven't really thought fully into it but I felt the need to put it down while it was freshly in my head as not to forget that I had it and recognized it as something of importance to my thoughts on how I got here. I wonder if it has taken as long as it has for me to openly see my genderqueer self and fully feel the feelings of discomfort because of the birth control I was on for nearly ten years. When you have visual cues of masculinely identified traits they give you this to "correct" it. I just wonder if though that was not the intended purpose of my use that side effect produced itself. Maybe I would have wound up shaped, voiced, etc differently if I hadn't had so many issues with hormone levels. The fact that hormone level increase corrected my issue says to me that I didn't have enough of them and maybe life would be different if I hadn't popped a pill to "fix" that.
Ok, maybe they are totally unrelated and nothing would be different except I would have suffered more for the things that plagued me in those ten years. Maybe I'm just finally at a place with myself and the world where I don't care if people think I am different or strange, where I know there are safety nets and support systems that are available if I really need them. As much as I know that maybe its about the nurture sense right now...something inside churns from wondering if maybe there's some nature at play here too. Maybe there is both.
Its days like today, days I don't have often but they tend to plant themselves within my coming out processes that I think, I really wish I had not been so sheltered, I wish I had been allowed to see the people who are the "other" in our society. I grew up in Detroit and I can tell you a lot about families that were roughing it and kids that were only eating lunch because they couldn't afford to eat at home. I can tell you about the fact that it took me a long time to realize that my friends that had darker skin didn't simply tan better. I had a good deal of things that were open to me, but I think they were out of simply being there not anyone who was nurturing me wishing them into existence.
I however didn't know anything about being gay or it being a possible lifestyle, yeah that's what we'll call it, until my cousin came out and it was so shamefully discussed with me that I didn't ask what it was or think about it as a option for me. Even though I had already done homosexual things by that time, not that anyone outside of the person I had done them with knew. It took me stumbling upon a GSA in high school to really get any word on what it was, what it meant and be told, that while the bible says its so wrong which I don't even know that I had heard that argument yet, its just about who we love and its just as natural as being heterosexual.
As for trans, genderqueer, differently gendered etc, that took til high school too. I was introduced to the idea while I was in my senior year of high school and it spoke to me but I wasn't really sure how to get on board. I had been so heavily cultured into my femaleness that getting outside of that box was strange. I loved and appreciate the people I saw taking steps outside of the box of the sex they were born to, but felt behind, unaware, silly to try to open up the possibilities for myself, I told myself I was a girl, I liked girly things and just needed to stop trying to get on board with something I thought was a trendy thing. I thought it was just something new and different and forced myself not to think too much about it. Really I held myself back, how stupid was I? More afraid, I was just starting to come out as not straight and that was charging high enough tolls as it was.
Now though, now I'm starting to think through it more and realize that there is more to it, its not trendy and its not cool but its right for me. This box that was so neatly constructed for me to fit all of my femininity into is getting crowded because while others have been helping me pack a girl into here there's been someone else growing within me and there are just too many likes, dislikes, stories, loves, hurts, pains, traits and what-nots to fit into this place!
There is the part of me that takes comfort in being dad's babydoll and even on occasions mom's princess. There are parts of me that speak and swoon and giggle and talk about things in ways that fully keep up with the girls. The part of me that loves that I was in a sorority and loves my sisters. The part of me that even though I very very very rarely wear that insists that those dresses stay in the closet because she might need them, oh and those heels and tights and push up bras and all that other stuff she's collected for looking sexy lol.
At the same time and often in the same breath there is the part of me that takes comfort in being a significant other's baby boi, boifriend, teddy bare, that cringes at the thought of being someone's girlfriend and would much rather hear someone say he's mine. There is a part of me that speaks and laughs and tackles and punches and talks about things in ways that fully keep up with the boys. That belches and rates them, chugs a beer and thinks man-caves are the greatest shit ever. The part of me that loves my sisters but doesn't feel so comfortable with the sorority part because it lets people know I'm an F. The part of me that pushes those dresses into the back most corner of the closet and wears slacks and a dress shirt and tie, that loves the dark wash denim and dressing it up to look dapper as all get out whenever there's a good reason. Who cuts their hair short and keeps it groomed well, rocks the backwards ball cap and has an obsession with hats that is recently being kept in its place but new hats still find their way in on occasions. The part of me that thinks bras are ridiculous and painful and while binding is a bitch at times its way more comfortable most of the time...though if a sports bra could do the trick it'd be welcome to join daily use, but any way I can hide as much of my chest's fullness as possible is where I'm going to place my loyalties.
At this point I've lost track of where I was going with this so I'm gonna just stop. But its been nice to put this stuff into words and I guess I hope someone is actually reading and thinking and will say something to me about this, though harsh words can be kept to one's self.
Friday, November 4, 2011
open up...
I wrote this just under a year ago and just found it, felt like sharing, maybe I shared it then too but I like it enough to post twice!
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Stitch a chara,
I love you, to the ends of the world and back. You are amazing and beautiful and I am beyond grateful to have you in my life. I don't know how to talk to you about what's going on with me right now but I wish withe very fiber of my being that I could. I just don't know how to talk to you about the fact that I don't trust anyone, especially not myself. I love you and you love me. We both promised we knew what we were saying when we said it, that we truly meant it, so I do not in my rational mind doubt you in the least bit, even in my irrational mind it is not you that I question or doubt. I question myself I wonder if I even know what it is, do I know how to love well enough to deserve what you are giving me in loving me. I feel horrible that I fairly regularly asks you to reaffirm it, but I am beyond happy that you do, and without ever a word of unhappiness for the asking. You assure me that you are serious about loving me without my asking, you laugh along and assure me in my awkward fishing jokes, and whenever we talk about my issues you remind me that you still do; its something I certainly need, I am afraid to lose someone else I love for being too whatever it is I am. The last time I planned a future with someone I was unimaginably hurt and while you are different, this is so familiar that its hard not to think about it. I have to bring myself to see all that sets you apart from that situation, from every situations that's gotten me hurt and then I'll be able to avoid feeling afraid of you, of planning a life with you, and of loving you. You are not like she or any of them ever was. The most important thing is that you when I am with you or not are always on my mind, not in a creepy way but in a if there were to be one person I'd like to share this with kinda way. You are there because you're not interested in loving me with stipulations, with requirements of all of my time and energy and to the extent that I no longer exist when you're done with me. I see this and everyone important to me see this too. The last time I planned to plan out a life with someone I had a crowd of people telling me to be careful, make the decisions that were right for me, if she loves you she'll wait for it to be right for you. This time around everyone can only say they want to meet you, they're excited for me, they think you must be great because I care about you so much and that everything about me now seems happier, healthier. I love you for who you are and who I am with you, I love you for helping me to be someone I love. You found me in a rough patch and without meaning to you're helping me out of it, and when you mean to it helps too. If you can stand to live through this pit I'm in with me I am certain that we will find a place that we will find to be more beautiful that any we have ever known. You care to work and try and commit to this which is beyond amazing to me, I've never felt that entirely encompassed in love. You want to be there for me and comfort me even when you have no idea what to say you're still determined to say something. You say the wrong thing and it doesn't hurt or make me cry or anything because i disagree but because it is only wrong because you are the first person who gets it so well that you do not know how to sooth it away, you want to face it down and talk the details and the realities. I love you for this but I don't know how to deal with this because no one ever gets it enough to force me to deal with it. You when put on the spot answer everything the way they never could, the way I needed someone to, the way that makes me feel bad for having tested you because it feels so natural for you to answer the way you do, to react the way you do, that I never should have questioned it. You are the exact person I need right now, and I hope like hell that you'll be the exact person I need always. I hope you feel the same way and always will too. Be it fate, or destiny, or okcupid that is to blame for us finding each other I am happy that we both chose to move back to Michigan and that you out of nowhere decided to say hi to me again.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Lyrical, Prose Forced to Poetics...Beat! No, there lacks a rhythm...
Music,
a beating,
a pulsing,
a commonality.
Commonality,
a thing in both,
a foundation in both,
a string to tie together.
One day,
taken in stride,
just a breakfast,
then a mall walk,
then a trip,
A2 comith we.
One trip,
the traffic,
the snow,
the stops...
U of M,
Chipolte,
Panera,
Chipolte again,
back to the traffic,
back to the snow,
back home.
Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!
U of M,
free money.
Chipolte,
community found.
Panera,
free food,
cheap food,
venturing back.
Chipolte,
a gift cherished.
Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!
Home,
long enough,
only to shower.
The terror trip,
the first adventure back,
seeing the old place,
yes I went back to P707,
yes I remember our number,
I was 263 got that one too.
Soup getting achieved,
just a quick delivery,
soup delivery,
enjoy!
The thankfulness,
you're amazing,
you're the bomb,
thank you.
Your soup,
deemed worth it,
worth the terror.
Adventure off to home,
I'm staying this time!
Night well slept,
but a fear upon waking,
missing father,
he eventually checked in,
two hours later,
early morning,
not appreciated!
Now the ponderence,
a poeticesk beginning,
discussion of music,
discussion of commonality,
where did that stream go,
nowhere is the truth!
I've told much,
yet withheld just as much,
I've shared things,
words,
poetically,
lyrically,
beat fashion perhaps,
I've told nothing of substance,
what happened,
had less to do with this,
more to do with that,
yet I've given the insight of our day,
who'd've though you can give it all,
and nothing this way?!
Hang on this cliff,
the one I've left,
but don't expect me to come back,
as much as I've told I've said,
I will hold the truth of its importance,
in my depth...
fortress of secrets,
hidden where only the brave dare to go,
none come back the same,
and our secrets will be kept,
for it is only the makers,
who see what the memories have left.
(musicallities posted seperately)
a beating,
a pulsing,
a commonality.
Commonality,
a thing in both,
a foundation in both,
a string to tie together.
One day,
taken in stride,
just a breakfast,
then a mall walk,
then a trip,
A2 comith we.
One trip,
the traffic,
the snow,
the stops...
U of M,
Chipolte,
Panera,
Chipolte again,
back to the traffic,
back to the snow,
back home.
Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!
U of M,
free money.
Chipolte,
community found.
Panera,
free food,
cheap food,
venturing back.
Chipolte,
a gift cherished.
Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!
Home,
long enough,
only to shower.
The terror trip,
the first adventure back,
seeing the old place,
yes I went back to P707,
yes I remember our number,
I was 263 got that one too.
Soup getting achieved,
just a quick delivery,
soup delivery,
enjoy!
The thankfulness,
you're amazing,
you're the bomb,
thank you.
Your soup,
deemed worth it,
worth the terror.
Adventure off to home,
I'm staying this time!
Night well slept,
but a fear upon waking,
missing father,
he eventually checked in,
two hours later,
early morning,
not appreciated!
Now the ponderence,
a poeticesk beginning,
discussion of music,
discussion of commonality,
where did that stream go,
nowhere is the truth!
I've told much,
yet withheld just as much,
I've shared things,
words,
poetically,
lyrically,
beat fashion perhaps,
I've told nothing of substance,
what happened,
had less to do with this,
more to do with that,
yet I've given the insight of our day,
who'd've though you can give it all,
and nothing this way?!
Hang on this cliff,
the one I've left,
but don't expect me to come back,
as much as I've told I've said,
I will hold the truth of its importance,
in my depth...
fortress of secrets,
hidden where only the brave dare to go,
none come back the same,
and our secrets will be kept,
for it is only the makers,
who see what the memories have left.
(musicallities posted seperately)
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
saturday...
If I had to describe a perfect Saturday...
Waking up to the pitter-patter of little feet running, getting closer and closer with every second. Rolling over and kissing you good morning, feeling that exhilarating feeling it alone can give. Both propping ourselves up in the bed, waiting for this visitor we're going to be getting. Nuzzled up near the head of the bed just awaiting the gorgeous little face we’ll see at any moment now. Hear the doorknob start turning and see that little face peek around the door. Without a moment of hesitations watch our little one come running and jumping up into the bed, scamper quickly up between us as we wrap them in our love. Lean back just the three of us, turn on music or cartoons and lay in bed talking about everything and nothing because we’re happy where we are.
Start to hear our tummies grumble and plot what breakfast should be. Head into the kitchen laughing and talking ready to cook. Put that gorgeous little one in a seat at the island to watch and still be close, while we pull out all the fixin's and start to cook. Waffles with fruit topping and whip cream, eggs with hot dogs and cheese in them, all the yummiest things we could think of all for the three of us. All the while we’re cooking being playful and just smiling and laughing, making silly faces and placing gentle kisses in passing.
Nothing but smiles and happiness, just one perfect day out of the week. Lie around and watch movies, play games, color in coloring books. Go to the park and swing on the swings, slide down the big slide, run across the bridges and crawl through the tunnels. Get ice cream on the way home or go home and make banana splits. Have comfort foods for lunch and/or dinner, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, or hearty stew. Or give in and make whatever it is our little one wants for dinner.
Curl up on the couch or in a pile of blankets on the floor and cuddle our little one to sleep. Carry them to their bedroom and tuck them into bed, placing gentle kisses on their forehead. Stand there in the doorway looking at this child of ours, once so tiny getting bigger with every passing day, this life we are responsible for, this child we adore. Stand there holding onto one another for what will never be long enough for as soon as we leave they will begin to change and grow, as soon as we blink once our child is a second older and closer to being all grown up. Walking off down the hall holding hands as we put the last few things left out of place into order and then take ourselves to bed.
Slip into our room and without words begin to undress each other. Watch closely all that is uncovered; memorize the shape and feel of each others body, the touch the other leaves on our own skin. Kiss deeply one another, in an effort to show just how much love we give the other. Just stand there holding each other close and placing gentle kisses on occasion. Finally pulling away from one another as one of us leads the way to the shower. Turn on the water and let it begin to warm the entire room as we stand there holding each other not wanting to let go. Slip into the shower and feel the warmth come over our bodies as we both fall under the streams of water. Gently run our fingers through each others hair and lean close for yet another breathtaking kiss. With only gentle whispers when necessary bath one another with care. Give kisses and run fingers and hands over each other’s body. Hold the other close and let them feel your love flowing out of every pore. Turn off the water and dry ourselves and each other off. Go back into our room and slip into bed, cuddle close and go to sleep. The last thing remembered before going to sleep is the sound of the other whispering I love you.
Waking up to the pitter-patter of little feet running, getting closer and closer with every second. Rolling over and kissing you good morning, feeling that exhilarating feeling it alone can give. Both propping ourselves up in the bed, waiting for this visitor we're going to be getting. Nuzzled up near the head of the bed just awaiting the gorgeous little face we’ll see at any moment now. Hear the doorknob start turning and see that little face peek around the door. Without a moment of hesitations watch our little one come running and jumping up into the bed, scamper quickly up between us as we wrap them in our love. Lean back just the three of us, turn on music or cartoons and lay in bed talking about everything and nothing because we’re happy where we are.
Start to hear our tummies grumble and plot what breakfast should be. Head into the kitchen laughing and talking ready to cook. Put that gorgeous little one in a seat at the island to watch and still be close, while we pull out all the fixin's and start to cook. Waffles with fruit topping and whip cream, eggs with hot dogs and cheese in them, all the yummiest things we could think of all for the three of us. All the while we’re cooking being playful and just smiling and laughing, making silly faces and placing gentle kisses in passing.
Nothing but smiles and happiness, just one perfect day out of the week. Lie around and watch movies, play games, color in coloring books. Go to the park and swing on the swings, slide down the big slide, run across the bridges and crawl through the tunnels. Get ice cream on the way home or go home and make banana splits. Have comfort foods for lunch and/or dinner, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, or hearty stew. Or give in and make whatever it is our little one wants for dinner.
Curl up on the couch or in a pile of blankets on the floor and cuddle our little one to sleep. Carry them to their bedroom and tuck them into bed, placing gentle kisses on their forehead. Stand there in the doorway looking at this child of ours, once so tiny getting bigger with every passing day, this life we are responsible for, this child we adore. Stand there holding onto one another for what will never be long enough for as soon as we leave they will begin to change and grow, as soon as we blink once our child is a second older and closer to being all grown up. Walking off down the hall holding hands as we put the last few things left out of place into order and then take ourselves to bed.
Slip into our room and without words begin to undress each other. Watch closely all that is uncovered; memorize the shape and feel of each others body, the touch the other leaves on our own skin. Kiss deeply one another, in an effort to show just how much love we give the other. Just stand there holding each other close and placing gentle kisses on occasion. Finally pulling away from one another as one of us leads the way to the shower. Turn on the water and let it begin to warm the entire room as we stand there holding each other not wanting to let go. Slip into the shower and feel the warmth come over our bodies as we both fall under the streams of water. Gently run our fingers through each others hair and lean close for yet another breathtaking kiss. With only gentle whispers when necessary bath one another with care. Give kisses and run fingers and hands over each other’s body. Hold the other close and let them feel your love flowing out of every pore. Turn off the water and dry ourselves and each other off. Go back into our room and slip into bed, cuddle close and go to sleep. The last thing remembered before going to sleep is the sound of the other whispering I love you.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Twenty-Five List
Roughly two years ago there was this trend on facebook to put up a list of twenty-five I guess you could call them facts or confessions.
These are those I wrote then...I think they're pretty much the same these days, I read through and made minor adjustments...seems I'm not changing very quickly.
#1
When I filled this in I couldn't decided on what should be most or least important I just filled the spaces in completely out of order. I couldn't figure out what to do with number one; no matter what, whatever I put here, it gives off an impression of me, so I decided to tell you how I filled it in. This says something about me, this says something really big...I just hope no one understands it because its a trait I'm not entirely proud of myself for...yet.
#2
For a very long time I had absolutely zero nicknames and I hated it, and then now I look at it and realize I have a lot of them, they just kinda happened and as much as some of them are only one person I love it. They make me feel like I have accomplished something, they make me feel kinda important, I dunno I like it though.
#3
I never give up on people, they may fall out of my life and we don't talk for a very long time but somewhere deep down I will always care for you if I have ever cared for you. I am always just on the other end of a post card, note, letter, phone call, shit stop by and visit I don't care, I am always there. I have one hundred and seventy-seven numbers in my phone and I use on average probably ten of them in any given month. I keep any mode of communication I have/had with a person just in case they need me, trust me there have been people who've suddenly popped back in...and been surprised that I hadn't deleted them from my life.
#4
I love my family to death but I am not very close to any of them any more, I've lived so far from half of them that things kinda just never formed to amazingly there and I'd love to make it happen, I really am debating on moving to be near them after everything is over just to be able to be close to them because I feel like they're the more closely knit, family typed side of my family. I have lived near the other side of the family all of my life and I feel like they've come to a point where almost everyone has become completely involved in their own lives and its just pointless to drag them out of it, they still get together for the holidays specifically but it just doesn't feel like enough.
#5
I am in a sorority and for as much shit as I get for it I still love it, and the girls. Almost everyone I know thinks its hilarious that I would do something like that to myself and can't believe it, I don't know if they ever will some of them. As much shit as I get and get put through to be a part of this, I feel like these ladies are a big part of my life and I'm grateful for them, even the ones that drive me up the wall every chance they get. They are my family and always will be, its taken me a very long time to realize what they mean and be able to say it out loud but they're very important and very much so family to me.
#6
I have dated more guys than girls and this fact often shocks people.
#7
Since I have come out, I have slowly but surely become more and more butch in appearance and attitude. Each time I come out to a new person, I think the person I am tends to comes out just a little bit more. (I now realize that this is oh so true, the only thing is that I have also realized that I can be whomever I want to be. I am now coming to terms with being whomever I want to be and I love it! I am pretty much so fully out and learning with it to be fully me in every way that I have dropped to stop just fitting into what others expect of me and picked up whatever I want to to be me.)
#8
I am a blonde and I feel like I break the stereotypes. I don't tend to have any more "blonde moments" than anyone with not a single blonde hair in their head. I say or do silly and totally off the wall, make no sense things sometimes...but its not because of my hair color, I blame my friends for rubbing off lol, that and I figure with how perfectly logical, mother hen I am 90% of the time, at least, I need to have some pretty big totally off moments to reconcile that I am no where near the age to be doing that for everyone. I'm still a kid for the most part and well the silly stuff balances it out so I seem to maybe act my age every once in a while.
#9
I have always had a house to go to but for a very long time I have not really considered anywhere home. I've been trying to make somewhere home so I tend to say I am going home whenever I am going to anywhere I will be staying for awhile, both of my parents houses and school have gotten this title in the last few years. I recently thought I was going to find myself a home, but those plans fell through so we'll see if I get them again.
#10
I have never had sex with anyone of the male species, as far as I know. I have had plenty of opportunities and did not take them, and will likely not be taking any any time soon. I do however think that I will try to make a baby the all natural way if I ever do decide to get pregnant.
#11
I feel as though I can safely say I've been truly in-love once in my twenty years. I fell very quickly for this person, I loved them with my entire heart, I know for certain that they will always be a part of who I am, especially because they have effected my manorisms and speech patters in their time in my life. I can honestly say that I don't feel like I made any mistakes with them, I look back and wish I would have done some things now but I think they'd have been great but were not things to regret not doing. I have loved many before that person, I will likely love many after that person, but no one will ever be that person and I am not yet sure if I will be truly in-love again after them, I can only hope.
(Side note: this is the only one that I put on a specific number for a specific reason.)
#12
No matter what my life turns out to be, I know for certain that I want it to be something worth someone remembering. I want to be in someone's heart when I pass away. I want people to remember me for something nice I said or did, something life changing that I was apart of, I just don't want to be gone forever when I die, I want to live on in someone's memory for just a little while longer than I live on in this world.
#13
I have this saying and I think it's true...I am the girl your parents didn't warn you about, but they should not feel bad for not warning you about me because I try to be someone they truly hoped you would meet. I want to be the person parents love that their child has.
#14
I have fallen out of touch with a lot of people in my life, my plans to go home for school I think will be good for getting myself reacquainted with these people, I have numbers and addresses and I really think I'll try to put them to good use and see these people because they have really made me the person I am, they were best friends, first crushes, the family that isn't really related but they are just or more important.
#15
I am terrified of the future, I think I've started to figure some things out, like where I want to go to grad school, a decision that was really needing to be come up with pretty quickly, but I don't really have my life figured past that. I know I want to go somewhere that isn't home and do something amazing for people, I really think I'm going to pursue the corrections end of social work, it just feels right and I think it might be fun to do that in a big city. I just don't know where to go, I fear change so often and hate being all alone in new places so I don't know what to do. I'd like to move really far away but I think I'd be afraid to never see anyone again, and I am most afraid that I'll wind up staying home for the rest of my life, I mean get a place of my own but never branch out and do the things I've put into my head that I need to do for me.
#16
I don't like new places, they terrify me, I don't like being alone in the world and I've always felt like a small not even blimp on the radar. I am good at going places when I have just one or two people I know I can fall back on, sorta my fail safe so that I don't have to instantly start finding new people and figuring things out past just surviving. I am constantly told that I leave a great mark on all those who know me, or of me and in high school one of our star football players put me down as his senior crush, I didn't even know my name was known in those kinds of circles...
#17
I love quotes, I don't always remember them but I do love them. I could probably sit around and read them all day and not be bored. I get them sent to my phone and need to start putting them on my computer so that I can continue to receive text messages since they're clogging up my inbox far too much.
#18
I don't think I've really truly worked my ass off for anything in my life. This is not because I am lazy, I just haven't ever really wanted something outside of my ability to get with little or no work. My parents have always taken exceptionally good care of me and had the money to give me things like a college education, clothes on my back, food to eat, those wonderful things. I have never been one to be exceptionally materialistic, if I want it and I can't afford it I generally realize I don't really need it or I can have it later when I can afford it, I've saved a few times for stuff but I didn't have to bust my ass to get the savings together. I dunno maybe I need to expect more of and for myself but I just don't tend to see the point.
#19
I was one of those people who went to college knowing exactly what they wanted to do with their life, major already figured out and declared...and then I changed my mind. I don't know if I changed my mind because of the program here not being one that I was interested in being a part of or if it was truly about wanting to pursue something different than what I started with, I stayed fairly close to my original goals for a year and a half before I changed my mind. I know however now that regardless of what got me here I really think I'll be happy with what I am doing and would never have quite found my way to it in the original choice I came in with made up for myself. I have far more passion for this and will do a better job in the end I feel.
#20
I am a major flirt, I don't do it on purpose, I tend to not notice when I am doing it,and apparently even my shy tendencies come off as cute and flirty. More recently I've come to realize that I flirt in many ways common to boys and girls, and depending on whether or not I really like someone changes which I end up doing more...
#21
I define myself as monotheistic, this scares my father for reason I don't understand. This for me atleast simply means, I believe there is one higher being, for simplicity sake I tend to call this being God. I believe that this being has a hand in all that has and will happen in the life of everyone and everything everywhere. I am completely open to hearing what others thoughts are, but I hate when I am made to feel stupid because I can't quote you back the bible or tell you somewhere to find exactly why I have the feelings I do about things...my feelings about religion and my own religion have come from my own experiences, my own interactions and reactions to "my God", I have always had this understanding of God being like a best friend, someone who you can tell anything and everything and while it is said that they already know it all, I still stand by the idea of free-will so God does nothing about it until I have asked for something to be done, at least in matters that need be my choice.
#22
I do not know much of my life but two things I have always know is that I want to have a home of my own, with or without a spouse, though I'd love to have someone by my side through this crazy game of life. Also, I want to have children, adopted, birthed, fostered...however it works I want them and I want to make a very good impact on their lives.
#23
I read through other peoples lists of twenty five as I was writing mine to come up with ideas for what to write about myself because I don't tend to think about who I am and what that means very often so I hit a wall on coming up with my own ideas of what might be good to know about me.
#24
I constantly underestimate myself and get yelled at about it. I just don't think I am all that special and the things that people see about me to be special I feel like are things that everyone should have or do. Why is is soo great to get good grades, be kind to others, care about people who may or may not care about you, see someone having a hard time or bad day and actually want to do something to make their life better even if its just for a second to stop and make them smile...I dunno I guess I'm different than most in these regards.
#25
I rely on people far more than I should sometimes and I think that's a reason why they love me. As bad as it is I don't think I'll ever change that about myself, I am learning to be more independent and self reliant I just don't want to ever become completely capable of taking care of myself entirely without anyone else. I want to grow up to have a rock...I don't care what anyone else thinks of it, I want to have someone who keeps me rooted where I am and takes care of me whenever I need it, whether I want it or not.
( This is sorta like an extra one...this took me far longer than I expected it to, I put myself under the microscope and really thought about these so I really hope that you have read all of these and enjoyed them because I put myself on the line and really forced myself to think a lot while writing this.)
These are those I wrote then...I think they're pretty much the same these days, I read through and made minor adjustments...seems I'm not changing very quickly.
#1
When I filled this in I couldn't decided on what should be most or least important I just filled the spaces in completely out of order. I couldn't figure out what to do with number one; no matter what, whatever I put here, it gives off an impression of me, so I decided to tell you how I filled it in. This says something about me, this says something really big...I just hope no one understands it because its a trait I'm not entirely proud of myself for...yet.
#2
For a very long time I had absolutely zero nicknames and I hated it, and then now I look at it and realize I have a lot of them, they just kinda happened and as much as some of them are only one person I love it. They make me feel like I have accomplished something, they make me feel kinda important, I dunno I like it though.
#3
I never give up on people, they may fall out of my life and we don't talk for a very long time but somewhere deep down I will always care for you if I have ever cared for you. I am always just on the other end of a post card, note, letter, phone call, shit stop by and visit I don't care, I am always there. I have one hundred and seventy-seven numbers in my phone and I use on average probably ten of them in any given month. I keep any mode of communication I have/had with a person just in case they need me, trust me there have been people who've suddenly popped back in...and been surprised that I hadn't deleted them from my life.
#4
I love my family to death but I am not very close to any of them any more, I've lived so far from half of them that things kinda just never formed to amazingly there and I'd love to make it happen, I really am debating on moving to be near them after everything is over just to be able to be close to them because I feel like they're the more closely knit, family typed side of my family. I have lived near the other side of the family all of my life and I feel like they've come to a point where almost everyone has become completely involved in their own lives and its just pointless to drag them out of it, they still get together for the holidays specifically but it just doesn't feel like enough.
#5
I am in a sorority and for as much shit as I get for it I still love it, and the girls. Almost everyone I know thinks its hilarious that I would do something like that to myself and can't believe it, I don't know if they ever will some of them. As much shit as I get and get put through to be a part of this, I feel like these ladies are a big part of my life and I'm grateful for them, even the ones that drive me up the wall every chance they get. They are my family and always will be, its taken me a very long time to realize what they mean and be able to say it out loud but they're very important and very much so family to me.
#6
I have dated more guys than girls and this fact often shocks people.
#7
Since I have come out, I have slowly but surely become more and more butch in appearance and attitude. Each time I come out to a new person, I think the person I am tends to comes out just a little bit more. (I now realize that this is oh so true, the only thing is that I have also realized that I can be whomever I want to be. I am now coming to terms with being whomever I want to be and I love it! I am pretty much so fully out and learning with it to be fully me in every way that I have dropped to stop just fitting into what others expect of me and picked up whatever I want to to be me.)
#8
I am a blonde and I feel like I break the stereotypes. I don't tend to have any more "blonde moments" than anyone with not a single blonde hair in their head. I say or do silly and totally off the wall, make no sense things sometimes...but its not because of my hair color, I blame my friends for rubbing off lol, that and I figure with how perfectly logical, mother hen I am 90% of the time, at least, I need to have some pretty big totally off moments to reconcile that I am no where near the age to be doing that for everyone. I'm still a kid for the most part and well the silly stuff balances it out so I seem to maybe act my age every once in a while.
#9
I have always had a house to go to but for a very long time I have not really considered anywhere home. I've been trying to make somewhere home so I tend to say I am going home whenever I am going to anywhere I will be staying for awhile, both of my parents houses and school have gotten this title in the last few years. I recently thought I was going to find myself a home, but those plans fell through so we'll see if I get them again.
#10
I have never had sex with anyone of the male species, as far as I know. I have had plenty of opportunities and did not take them, and will likely not be taking any any time soon. I do however think that I will try to make a baby the all natural way if I ever do decide to get pregnant.
#11
I feel as though I can safely say I've been truly in-love once in my twenty years. I fell very quickly for this person, I loved them with my entire heart, I know for certain that they will always be a part of who I am, especially because they have effected my manorisms and speech patters in their time in my life. I can honestly say that I don't feel like I made any mistakes with them, I look back and wish I would have done some things now but I think they'd have been great but were not things to regret not doing. I have loved many before that person, I will likely love many after that person, but no one will ever be that person and I am not yet sure if I will be truly in-love again after them, I can only hope.
(Side note: this is the only one that I put on a specific number for a specific reason.)
#12
No matter what my life turns out to be, I know for certain that I want it to be something worth someone remembering. I want to be in someone's heart when I pass away. I want people to remember me for something nice I said or did, something life changing that I was apart of, I just don't want to be gone forever when I die, I want to live on in someone's memory for just a little while longer than I live on in this world.
#13
I have this saying and I think it's true...I am the girl your parents didn't warn you about, but they should not feel bad for not warning you about me because I try to be someone they truly hoped you would meet. I want to be the person parents love that their child has.
#14
I have fallen out of touch with a lot of people in my life, my plans to go home for school I think will be good for getting myself reacquainted with these people, I have numbers and addresses and I really think I'll try to put them to good use and see these people because they have really made me the person I am, they were best friends, first crushes, the family that isn't really related but they are just or more important.
#15
I am terrified of the future, I think I've started to figure some things out, like where I want to go to grad school, a decision that was really needing to be come up with pretty quickly, but I don't really have my life figured past that. I know I want to go somewhere that isn't home and do something amazing for people, I really think I'm going to pursue the corrections end of social work, it just feels right and I think it might be fun to do that in a big city. I just don't know where to go, I fear change so often and hate being all alone in new places so I don't know what to do. I'd like to move really far away but I think I'd be afraid to never see anyone again, and I am most afraid that I'll wind up staying home for the rest of my life, I mean get a place of my own but never branch out and do the things I've put into my head that I need to do for me.
#16
I don't like new places, they terrify me, I don't like being alone in the world and I've always felt like a small not even blimp on the radar. I am good at going places when I have just one or two people I know I can fall back on, sorta my fail safe so that I don't have to instantly start finding new people and figuring things out past just surviving. I am constantly told that I leave a great mark on all those who know me, or of me and in high school one of our star football players put me down as his senior crush, I didn't even know my name was known in those kinds of circles...
#17
I love quotes, I don't always remember them but I do love them. I could probably sit around and read them all day and not be bored. I get them sent to my phone and need to start putting them on my computer so that I can continue to receive text messages since they're clogging up my inbox far too much.
#18
I don't think I've really truly worked my ass off for anything in my life. This is not because I am lazy, I just haven't ever really wanted something outside of my ability to get with little or no work. My parents have always taken exceptionally good care of me and had the money to give me things like a college education, clothes on my back, food to eat, those wonderful things. I have never been one to be exceptionally materialistic, if I want it and I can't afford it I generally realize I don't really need it or I can have it later when I can afford it, I've saved a few times for stuff but I didn't have to bust my ass to get the savings together. I dunno maybe I need to expect more of and for myself but I just don't tend to see the point.
#19
I was one of those people who went to college knowing exactly what they wanted to do with their life, major already figured out and declared...and then I changed my mind. I don't know if I changed my mind because of the program here not being one that I was interested in being a part of or if it was truly about wanting to pursue something different than what I started with, I stayed fairly close to my original goals for a year and a half before I changed my mind. I know however now that regardless of what got me here I really think I'll be happy with what I am doing and would never have quite found my way to it in the original choice I came in with made up for myself. I have far more passion for this and will do a better job in the end I feel.
#20
I am a major flirt, I don't do it on purpose, I tend to not notice when I am doing it,and apparently even my shy tendencies come off as cute and flirty. More recently I've come to realize that I flirt in many ways common to boys and girls, and depending on whether or not I really like someone changes which I end up doing more...
#21
I define myself as monotheistic, this scares my father for reason I don't understand. This for me atleast simply means, I believe there is one higher being, for simplicity sake I tend to call this being God. I believe that this being has a hand in all that has and will happen in the life of everyone and everything everywhere. I am completely open to hearing what others thoughts are, but I hate when I am made to feel stupid because I can't quote you back the bible or tell you somewhere to find exactly why I have the feelings I do about things...my feelings about religion and my own religion have come from my own experiences, my own interactions and reactions to "my God", I have always had this understanding of God being like a best friend, someone who you can tell anything and everything and while it is said that they already know it all, I still stand by the idea of free-will so God does nothing about it until I have asked for something to be done, at least in matters that need be my choice.
#22
I do not know much of my life but two things I have always know is that I want to have a home of my own, with or without a spouse, though I'd love to have someone by my side through this crazy game of life. Also, I want to have children, adopted, birthed, fostered...however it works I want them and I want to make a very good impact on their lives.
#23
I read through other peoples lists of twenty five as I was writing mine to come up with ideas for what to write about myself because I don't tend to think about who I am and what that means very often so I hit a wall on coming up with my own ideas of what might be good to know about me.
#24
I constantly underestimate myself and get yelled at about it. I just don't think I am all that special and the things that people see about me to be special I feel like are things that everyone should have or do. Why is is soo great to get good grades, be kind to others, care about people who may or may not care about you, see someone having a hard time or bad day and actually want to do something to make their life better even if its just for a second to stop and make them smile...I dunno I guess I'm different than most in these regards.
#25
I rely on people far more than I should sometimes and I think that's a reason why they love me. As bad as it is I don't think I'll ever change that about myself, I am learning to be more independent and self reliant I just don't want to ever become completely capable of taking care of myself entirely without anyone else. I want to grow up to have a rock...I don't care what anyone else thinks of it, I want to have someone who keeps me rooted where I am and takes care of me whenever I need it, whether I want it or not.
( This is sorta like an extra one...this took me far longer than I expected it to, I put myself under the microscope and really thought about these so I really hope that you have read all of these and enjoyed them because I put myself on the line and really forced myself to think a lot while writing this.)
tears
cry those tears beautiful
cry them ever so queitly
cry them into your pillow
cry them for yourself
cry them for others who wont
cry it out there is no other way
cry it out maybe it will pass
cry, cry, cry...
cry without anyone knowing
cry to the silence of your room
do whatever you have to,
just get rid of it!
whatever you do,
crying
is
THE
only
outlet
you
are
allowed!
cry them ever so queitly
cry them into your pillow
cry them for yourself
cry them for others who wont
cry it out there is no other way
cry it out maybe it will pass
cry, cry, cry...
cry without anyone knowing
cry to the silence of your room
do whatever you have to,
just get rid of it!
whatever you do,
crying
is
THE
only
outlet
you
are
allowed!
Princess Boy
NBC News Proudly Presents 'The Princess Boy'
Any semblance of objectivity grew fairy wings and flew out the window on the January 3 broadcast of NBC'S "Today Show." Host Meredith Vieira promoted a book by Cheryl Kilodavis, titled "My Princess Boy," an illustrated children's book that promotes the tolerance of cross-dressing boys.
NBC's "Today's Family" segment featured Kilodavis and her son Dyson in an eight-minute story and interview. Dyson likes to wear girls' clothes and do girl things. Mom likes to make money off her son's proclivities. And "Today" wants to educate viewers about "tolerating" little boys who wear dresses. The a perfectly unbalanced segment full of liberal propaganda drew on the opinion of only one expert. Not surprisingly, he was squarely in favor of widespread acceptance, praising the mother for her boldness.
NBC's "Today's Family" segment featured Kilodavis and her son Dyson in an eight-minute story and interview. Dyson likes to wear girls' clothes and do girl things. Mom likes to make money off her son's proclivities. And "Today" wants to educate viewers about "tolerating" little boys who wear dresses. The a perfectly unbalanced segment full of liberal propaganda drew on the opinion of only one expert. Not surprisingly, he was squarely in favor of widespread acceptance, praising the mother for her boldness.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Horoscopes
Leo Year 2011 Overview
This is the year of expanding your mental and physical horizons, Leo. Expect loads of travel and awesome adventure in 2011, especially between March and June when a barrage of planets enter fellow fire sign, Aries, sparking your sector of foreign travel and higher education. You'll be pondering some of the deeper existential questions like the meaning of life, who you are and why you're here on a daily basis. Nothing is taken for granted, as life becomes one giant college campus dishing out one lesson after another. An overwhelming desire to see the world, experiment with new philosophies and indulge in scholarly pursuits become potent themes for the course of this dynamic New Year!Mental pursuits of all stripe dominant your time and attention for another year as Saturn continues his residence in your communication sector. Finding your true voice becomes a spiritual practice. Expressing yourself through carefully cultivated word choice proves especially rewarding. If you've ever wanted to write a book, learn a new language, go back to school or take up some radical new course of study, 2011 is your year to take the risk and make your literary dreams come true.
Pluto continues working you to the bone in 2011 through the extended transit in your work and health sector. You're beginning to actually get accustomed to the emotional gutting as the Lord of the Underworld dredges up each and every repressed emotional issue you've ever had with authority figures. You're coming into your own power the hard way -- but this is the kind of self-possession and confidence that becomes an integral part of your being and thus can never be taken from you.
Leo Year 2011 Romantic
Saturn, the karmic taskmaster continues his tutelage in the realm of relationships for the entire year. Expect more testing on the self-love scales as you're called to evaluate which relationships pan out in a close to equal give and take ratio and which completely suck you dry. Any and all ties that waste your time and cut into self-esteem must be severed. It's high time you know your value Leo: no more settling, and definitely no more desperate measures.You'll no longer be able to give yourself short shrift or buy into co-dependent dynamics that put your needs on an eternal backburner. You're learning the hard way how to love yourself the way you want and deserve to be loved. Relationships must honor, dignify and respect your noble qualities to pass Saturn's stringent litmus test. But the good news is that you're learning to stand up and voice your romantic needs. No longer will you fall prey to the trap of giving in hopes of getting -- and that makes all the difference.
Beauty and love abound just in time to make it one glorious summer to remember. Venus, the goddess of beauty of love will grace your regal constellation. Book special beauty treatments, give yourself plenty of playtime and vamp up your online profile because mating season will have officially begun. And just as things start to get interesting Mars joins the romantic cause. The libidinal planet brings sexy back in October and November.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Ideologies
I would like to think that I have always been aware that everyone approaches situations with their own individual set of ideologies. These ideologies come from everything they have seen or heard or experienced in some fashion. What we have done is how we shape together what we wish to do again or never wish to do again. It is also contributing to the way we interpret others actions and behavior patterns and words. I have known this in many instinctual ways based if nothing else on own experience with my formation of these constructs. I was given the vocabulary to really talk about it in my studies since a big part of a social workers job is to recognize where clients are and meet them there without judgement or condemnation. Needless to say the whole topic is not one I am all too far from having a stew of thoughts going somewhere in my head.
I guess now would be where I make the point of my ramblings thus far. Even with the genuine strives towards acknowledging the fact that ideologies are present in all of us and can be found to conflict in any of a million ways on any of an infinite number of topics or rationalizations. I still find myself amazed that there is a sense of what it means to be safe and protected and loved that even among some that would seem well established to be close enough in ideology to place the statements on the topics into the world with similar constructs of meaning there is disagreement in very fundamental and crucially dividing ways.
I for one have always said that safety and security and protection are things i seek in life and thus the ability to make me feel that way a trait I seek in life partners. I am noticing what seems to be a divide in ideologies over my expression of this in my previous blog. I do not know if it is my left of center self expression that makes this desire in many senses entirely fundamentally different from that of other ideologies but i have never seen to be any great challenge to meet. I can not say I have before recently had anyone bring to my attention that it is not necessarily something they could do. It is to me a sign of fundamental differentiation that ultimately proves more in the lack of understanding or seeking of further clarification to me that shows it was a need that would not have been met not because it was impossible to ask but because the defeated attitude was already established so there would not be a high probability of trying to meet it.
I guess now would be where I make the point of my ramblings thus far. Even with the genuine strives towards acknowledging the fact that ideologies are present in all of us and can be found to conflict in any of a million ways on any of an infinite number of topics or rationalizations. I still find myself amazed that there is a sense of what it means to be safe and protected and loved that even among some that would seem well established to be close enough in ideology to place the statements on the topics into the world with similar constructs of meaning there is disagreement in very fundamental and crucially dividing ways.
I for one have always said that safety and security and protection are things i seek in life and thus the ability to make me feel that way a trait I seek in life partners. I am noticing what seems to be a divide in ideologies over my expression of this in my previous blog. I do not know if it is my left of center self expression that makes this desire in many senses entirely fundamentally different from that of other ideologies but i have never seen to be any great challenge to meet. I can not say I have before recently had anyone bring to my attention that it is not necessarily something they could do. It is to me a sign of fundamental differentiation that ultimately proves more in the lack of understanding or seeking of further clarification to me that shows it was a need that would not have been met not because it was impossible to ask but because the defeated attitude was already established so there would not be a high probability of trying to meet it.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thinking Thinking Thinking...Thought
I realized the random-est of things in the last few days. When I am in need of a place all to myself, I no longer use my words and whispers to tell myself my needs, wants, desires...I sign them to myself. I find myself signing as much as possible but I literally have self communication sessions with myself. I find myself sitting in my car signing everything I think, I must remember the signs, my way to practice yet don't see it as practicing any longer, I enjoy the use of sign language to talk to myself, to express my thoughts, feelings and needs with myself. This new means of communication is the best gift I've given myself in a long time, and as much as I will use it wisely in my career in the future, it is doing great empowering things for me right now in my own little one person world.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
If ever...
If ever I'd hope that love would be enough
it would surely be now as I sit here in this wedding gown
tears falling down.If ever I'd hope that faith would be enough
it would surely be now as I sit broken in this church pew
with you.
If ever I'd hope that wisdom would be enough
it would surely be now as I recognize all that I know
hopeful it will show.
If ever I'd hope that this life would be enough
it would surely be now as I cherish what is true
before I am without you.
If ever I'd hope that enough would be enough
it would surely be now when life has fill-ith my cup to the brim
and I fear I cannot swim.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Reflex-ions
I say never say never, yet I write a list of things I'll never do...and then cross them off as things I have done or think I shall change my mind and add to the things I shall do list.
Shame my parents...unfortunately that came at a great price to us all and was in a way unavoidable to me that I had hoped would not. I always heard we'll love you no matter what and you can be whatever you want to be when you grew up...and watch as the concept of being a whole list of things came out as shamers. I am and always will be one of those things...gay/lesbian/queer...despite the word I use it all plays out the same way, they don't like it at all.
Be untrue to myself...I've done so too many time to recount but lets just say women and love have unfortunately been the leading factor in my demise on this front.
Be someone unlikable...I've yet to fully understand this one but for some reason the family of someone I thought would be a forever really did dislike me and lead to forever having an end date...December 27th that date haunts me more than any of the others that do, one of the few dates in my life period that I can give you a spot on the calender to place it.
Let myself off the hook for being someone other than who I always suspected I'd be...this has been something that has lead to me being much happier to be honest entirely. I am not who my childhood dream of me was, but I have learned far more options of what one can be and accepted that they are what is in store for my life and that I really do like it. I was always going to be a white picket fence, handsome husband and great life very early on, while holding down a teaching job and being an amazing parent kind of adult...I think I'd still like the fence and I'd love to be an amazing parent but I'm sure that the rest is not in my immediate scope and I've got five years to make my dream age for my 1st child come true and I'm no where near settled down or sure of exactly what I want out of a lifetime commitment enough to be close to conception day. Oh and that handsome husband thing, someone is a lot more likely to call me that than I them.
Know so much about myself that I realize I know nothing about myself, much less the world I attempt to exist well in.
Be someone who cries as easily and frequently as my mother...I was ashamed of how little of her emotional baggage she could take and how easily she let it crumple her as a child. I struggle every day to see strength in my need to express emotions so readily and not see myself as a weak person because of how little I let go before I reach emotional breaking points.
I'm scattered and skewed from what I expected, what anyone expected and I've yet to learn enough of myself to know if I mind it as much as I show or anyone else says I should. I've got my own expectations to define and live up to...and I know that the main one I've set for myself thus far is to set them all for myself.
Shame my parents...unfortunately that came at a great price to us all and was in a way unavoidable to me that I had hoped would not. I always heard we'll love you no matter what and you can be whatever you want to be when you grew up...and watch as the concept of being a whole list of things came out as shamers. I am and always will be one of those things...gay/lesbian/queer...despite the word I use it all plays out the same way, they don't like it at all.
Be untrue to myself...I've done so too many time to recount but lets just say women and love have unfortunately been the leading factor in my demise on this front.
Be someone unlikable...I've yet to fully understand this one but for some reason the family of someone I thought would be a forever really did dislike me and lead to forever having an end date...December 27th that date haunts me more than any of the others that do, one of the few dates in my life period that I can give you a spot on the calender to place it.
Let myself off the hook for being someone other than who I always suspected I'd be...this has been something that has lead to me being much happier to be honest entirely. I am not who my childhood dream of me was, but I have learned far more options of what one can be and accepted that they are what is in store for my life and that I really do like it. I was always going to be a white picket fence, handsome husband and great life very early on, while holding down a teaching job and being an amazing parent kind of adult...I think I'd still like the fence and I'd love to be an amazing parent but I'm sure that the rest is not in my immediate scope and I've got five years to make my dream age for my 1st child come true and I'm no where near settled down or sure of exactly what I want out of a lifetime commitment enough to be close to conception day. Oh and that handsome husband thing, someone is a lot more likely to call me that than I them.
Know so much about myself that I realize I know nothing about myself, much less the world I attempt to exist well in.
Be someone who cries as easily and frequently as my mother...I was ashamed of how little of her emotional baggage she could take and how easily she let it crumple her as a child. I struggle every day to see strength in my need to express emotions so readily and not see myself as a weak person because of how little I let go before I reach emotional breaking points.
I'm scattered and skewed from what I expected, what anyone expected and I've yet to learn enough of myself to know if I mind it as much as I show or anyone else says I should. I've got my own expectations to define and live up to...and I know that the main one I've set for myself thus far is to set them all for myself.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Putting the Past Out There
I gave more than I had to give,
and you gave less than I need to live,
you took more than you knew you did,
but getting it back will cost more than I have to bid.
and you gave less than I need to live,
you took more than you knew you did,
but getting it back will cost more than I have to bid.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I hear
Bitter sweet rhythmic melodies
Promises made
Hearts left untamed!
---------------------------------------------------------------
I wander off to find that place in your mind;
Where love has never been lost,
Where hurt has never been the cost.
I wander off to find that place in your soul;
Where there is a rip you’ll let me mend,
Let me care for it, for you until the end.
I wander off to find that place in your heart;
Where you hide all that you hold dear,
I only wish to see your treasure have no fear.
We wander off to find that place in this world;
Where you and I can learn to trust,
Baby this is something we must.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm flirting with danger and crushing on fantasies, but I want to fall in-love with reality.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Learning Me
I am...
slow to love
fast to forgive
not one to forget
hard to read
easily reading others
hard to hold onto
nearly impossible to lose
hard to get back
easy to love
hard to forget
not one to take things lightly
seeking out the true me with every step
seeking to know the true you with every breath
looking for love everywhere
dying without love would be my grandest regret
defining love differently than most
defining love in multiple ways
loving others for being themself
loathing others for be things I wish to be or not to be
impressed by self expression textual, auditory and visualt
tired of being put into boxes, labels, categories
running an uphill in a battle against the world
the toughest obstacle being myself
questioning everything internally
afraid to put many of my questions out there
seeking a life with less opportunities for regret
regretting nothing, I'd rather learn from it than feel shame for it
experimenting and experiencing
letting my true self live out my life, finally
unsure of how to express some of the things I wish to
learning to be okay with others reactions to my expressions
losing the fear of rejection, unfortunately by being rejected
a Leo, that's a fire sign, as much as I'm not religious about astrology I get it
one to start fires, figuratively...though sometimes literally
a bridge burner when I am angry
a tire burner when I am racing into something
one to get passionate about things and go headlong for them
a very monogamous creature
unsure of what else to say, yet sure there is more to say also...
going to come back and edit this again soon probably.
slow to love
fast to forgive
not one to forget
hard to read
easily reading others
hard to hold onto
nearly impossible to lose
hard to get back
easy to love
hard to forget
not one to take things lightly
seeking out the true me with every step
seeking to know the true you with every breath
looking for love everywhere
dying without love would be my grandest regret
defining love differently than most
defining love in multiple ways
loving others for being themself
loathing others for be things I wish to be or not to be
impressed by self expression textual, auditory and visualt
tired of being put into boxes, labels, categories
running an uphill in a battle against the world
the toughest obstacle being myself
questioning everything internally
afraid to put many of my questions out there
seeking a life with less opportunities for regret
regretting nothing, I'd rather learn from it than feel shame for it
experimenting and experiencing
letting my true self live out my life, finally
unsure of how to express some of the things I wish to
learning to be okay with others reactions to my expressions
losing the fear of rejection, unfortunately by being rejected
a Leo, that's a fire sign, as much as I'm not religious about astrology I get it
one to start fires, figuratively...though sometimes literally
a bridge burner when I am angry
a tire burner when I am racing into something
one to get passionate about things and go headlong for them
a very monogamous creature
unsure of what else to say, yet sure there is more to say also...
going to come back and edit this again soon probably.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Start of a World of New Things
I recently began reading a friend's blog on here and decided that it was about time I had somewhere I expressed things in a formal fashion. I don't do diaries because I feel like putting it in a book never to really be touched again is boring, but I'm going to try out the idea of putting it here and maybe even finding my way into posting into circles. I have an idea for a first really great blog but I am far too tired at this point to put it out there right now. I need to work on getting that blog written but until then I thought I should get the de-virginization done with.
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