Relationship Chatter...

Strange that this post wouldn't let me write it just days before it became irrelevant...



So I haven't been around much, been reading in and posting random stuff like things that are prompted but as far as the old relationshipy type stuff I used to post, its been a bit of a no go as of late...with that said I've got some relationshipy stuff going on and I need to blurt it all out in one place really quick and have it all aired!

So here it goes, there are several people involved in my latest relationship stuff...Dollface, Baby Boi and Chase.

Baby Boi and I have been friend for five years. When we first met I was dating someone and BB was infatuated with me. We spent several months being semi attached at the hip before he left the school we were both attending and became a little less attached to one another. We none the less held onto a pretty fair friendship for a good year or so. After which we became slightly more astaranged but still were very much so friends. During the course of relationships we had we grew further apart and especially based on a relationship I watched BB have with a friend I lost some of my respect and care for BB. We became pretty distanced but always cared enough that if something big was going on we checked in on each other. Fast forward to June when I was having a bit of an emotionally crazy life situation and caught a message he posted about wanting a cuddle buddy and responded with the fact that I could fill that position on a trip I'd be taking shortly to  move to Minnesota by way of Milwaukee, where he lives.  We decided to make that arrangment happen and in the process of plans being made ended talking about sex and our mutual lack of it recently, which made the purpose of the layover in Milwaukee cuddles and sex for us both. The whole plan was for this to be a chance for us both to get something we were in need of and no additional connection beyond the rekindling of the friendship. This however did not turn out that way.


While I was in Milwaukee we spent our time being gaggingly cute and anyone that saw the way we behaved would have undoubtably thought couple not friends. I spent several days more than I had planned there and in the process there seemed to be a beginning to something else, something bigger. I walked away from that trip calling him Baby Boi and making plans to do other things together, cry as I drove away. We've had four months now of whatever we're doing. In the begining things were great and I loved every minute of it. I wanted nothing more than to figure out how to get back perminantly and do the whole playing house thing together.

About two or three weeks into our we'll call it relationship to be simple the topic started of being open or poly. The discussion and decision to be was based in several things, one of them being the past experiences of each of us individually, and the other big one being the reappearance of Doll Face in both of our lives.


It seems about time to introduce Dollface now. I was saying she reappeared in both my life and Baby Boi's which means we've all got history. DF and I are also long time friends like BB and I. I have known DF for right around four years now. We were best friends for about six months or so, in whcih time her and BB we together. She is the freind I saw BB mistreat and lost respect for him over. She and I had our bout of what seemed like it could have become a relationship but at the time her and BB were together and due to them getting back together from a break up that never occured. She and I when we started talking again for the first time really explained this out to one another and had this realization that we both very much so wished to see what could possibly be of that. In talking to her the relationshp between BB and I came out and there was a period of her and I having long painful conversations. Eventually it was understood that if she could she would like a do over with each of us. There were ups and downs to this path but it eventually was come to.


There is now a triangular relationship of sorts occuring between the three of us. This realtionship is fairly current but the conversation behind it was discussed when she intially came into our lives again. As it currently stands there is within our grouping four relationships occuring symaltaneously. A relationship had on the paired level between each of us with the other along with our combined realtionshp all together as three people. This relationshp setting does not seem to cause issues for us, while BB has some jealousy issues they do not seem to be too terribly show with the grouping of us three, he wants all of my attention and affections but seems to have an easy enough time doing part with some to allow her to have some of it. At least this is the concept of things I have seen. The two of them both live in Milwaukee and seem to have really gotten into a swing of a solid friendship doing things together regularly and seeming to have a good time.




Learning to swallow my words, "feelings aren't about fair or equal" (sometimes its hard to take your own advice). Got to keep marching forward, getting hurt because you put it out there is better than getting hurt because you didn't know you could have had what you wanted until it was too late.

the great divide

I so rarely go here that I had forgotten how much it bothers me, irritates me, hurts me and leaves me feeling torn in half...I'd really completely forgotten how it makes me feel all together.

I've been in a baseline, moderate, whole place for several months now and this feeling of the great divide ripping me in two seems to hurt extra, tearing at a wound that had healed up so much better this time around, the tear is almost fresh...


dearest mania,
I love you,
how couldn't I?!

marvelous depression,
I love you,
you cradle me sweetly,
we hide together so well!

on nights like these,
when you've both evaded me,
been gone out of my daily for so long,
I don't know who to pick.

nails on the canvas,
sounds so much more beautiful than it feels,
or maybe I liked the way it feels...
I can't recall but I remember crying the last time I thought about it,
maybe it hurts or maybe I just don't like that any more...
oh darling depression I forget so much of you,
I apologize but we know it was safe and wise,
we weren't meant to be together forever,
it was always a losing race.

car into a brick wall,
well that'd sure make it hard to get anywhere else,
but maybe I wouldn't need to go anywhere else any how,
maybe barbie and I could just take our final ride...
maybe just speed around town with the windows down,
its even warm enough to not freeze to death,
not sure if that's good or bad yet...
I image its just a detail.
ah the loveliness of a midnight drive to nowhere,
the speeding on empty streets,
the peace that comes,
if I could only control the crazy right now it might be great...
I know we're hanging out,
hanging tight so tight,
strangle you if you try to get away tight,
right now mania...
I know you'll win and get me into trouble...
I'm not sure of the rules of this game,
the places where its safe to be unsafe,
I know it'd end badly...
without knowledge of the safe havens tonight.

there are so many enemies to the baseline,
two of them the things that rip  me in two,
both enemies,
both out to get the baseline...
who'll likely be back tomorrow,
into a place they don't want to be...
maybe they'll be scars,
maybe they'll be legal repercussions,
maybe they'll be someone laying next to us in bed,
all the maybes that depression and mania could lead baseline to...
why must such wicked enemies hide behind these green hues?!

I know I said I love you,
I do...
but when we last departed
I was happy to have seen the last of yous.

if you don't mind...

if you don't mind
i'll be just fine
if you'll just let me
let me take your hand in mine
if you don't mine
i'll be okay
as long as you don't
don't go astray
if you don't mind
i'll hold you here until eternity
just stand in this circle
this circle here with me
if you don't mind
i'll give you  my heart
if you promise me you weren't
you weren't lying from the start

open up...

I wrote this just under a year ago and just found it, felt like sharing, maybe I shared it then too but I like it enough to post twice!


Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.

Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.

refuse to be written

Its interesting to me how things work. I sat down about two weeks ago to write a post about the feelings that were weighing on me with the relationships I was engaged in. I was polyamourously dating two of my close friends and while not looking for anyone new had found myself completely infatuated with someone I'd just met. This someone new being really only interested in monogamous relationships.

I was caught in this place of being unsure how I was feeling and where my strongest desires lied. There was something about my someone new that made me so much more content and happy and at peace with life than the other two. While I love my friends they were not necessarily making me as happy as I think I deserve. I started with one friend and our relationship seemed to be slowly killing itself starting with unmet promises, several times over, that seemed insignificant at the time but were adding up. Along with the promises was the stress of being three hundred miles apart. There was a change in the emotional connectivity of the relationship as well, something I was told I would have to live with because she was really this way not that way I had originally encountered. So as things compiled themselves leading to a break down in the relationship someone else was adding to my dilemma and making me happy by just being around, making it hard for me to keep just putting up with things.

Somewhere in the midst of my first relationship breaking down the second friend entered into the mix. We connected in a way that felt good and added to the original relationship. Along with the addition of a third partner came the reorganizing of priorities and new promises with the first partner. Things seemed great for a short period of time but surely began to fall apart. Contact with both of the friends was reduced and nearly non-existent once again with the second partner. All of the promises made with the first began to be broken like what had happened previously. Along with these break downs was the entering of the new someone and being made aware of the desire for only monogamy.

Anyhow, the point of this was to say its funny how things work. I sat down to write about all of this, in far more detail and with far more emotional turmoil behind it, and couldn't. I tried and wrote on it for nearly two hours and just nothing seemed to come our right, everything seemed far too wordy and it was terribly difficult to figure out how to progress through the relationship explanations. With all of that said, its funny because that post became unnecessary about three days after the post refused to let me write it. I original relationships fell apart. I gave in to understanding that I was unhappy and really let go of the relationships that were keeping me there.

I've began to explore what can be with my newest interest and I am beyond thrilled with that I've found there. The first partner and I are still friends and things are better than they had been for quite some time. The second partner and I have not spoken, but that was for several days before the relationship found an end and not outside of her usual behaviors. She has been a regular disappearing act for me, which is a big part of why the relationship terminated. I am looking for people I can count on and unfortunately right now she's not ready for that. I love her to death and will always, but at least for right now we cannot work.

Stitch a chara,

I love you, to the ends of the world and back. You are amazing and beautiful and I am beyond grateful to have you in my life. I don't know how to talk to you about what's going on with me right now but I wish withe very fiber of my being that I could. I just don't know how to talk to you about the fact that I don't trust anyone, especially not myself. I love you and you love me. We both promised we knew what we were saying when we said it, that we truly meant it, so I do not in my rational mind doubt you in the least bit, even in my irrational mind it is not you that I question or doubt. I question myself I wonder if I even know what it is, do I know how to love well enough to deserve what you are giving me in loving me. I feel horrible that I fairly regularly asks you to reaffirm it, but I am beyond happy that you do, and without ever a word of unhappiness for the asking. You assure me that you are serious about loving me without my asking, you laugh along and assure me in my awkward fishing jokes, and whenever we talk about my issues you remind me that you still do; its something I certainly need, I am afraid to lose someone else I love for being too whatever it is I am. The last time I planned a future with someone I was unimaginably hurt and while you are different, this is so familiar that its hard not to think about it. I have to bring myself to see all that sets you apart from that situation, from every situations that's gotten me hurt and then I'll be able to avoid feeling afraid of you, of planning a life with you, and of loving you. You are not like she or any of them ever was. The most important thing is that you when I am with you or not are always on my mind, not in a creepy way but in a if there were to be one person I'd like to share this with kinda way. You are there because you're not interested in loving me with stipulations, with requirements of all of my time and energy and to the extent that I no longer exist when you're done with me. I see this and everyone important to me see this too. The last time I planned to plan out a life with someone I had a crowd of people telling me to be careful, make the decisions that were right for me, if she loves you she'll wait for it to be right for you. This time around everyone can only say they want to meet you, they're excited for me, they think you must be great because I care about you so much and that everything about me now seems happier, healthier. I love you for who you are and who I am with you, I love you for helping me to be someone I love. You found me in a rough patch and without meaning to you're helping me out of it, and when you mean to it helps too. If you can stand to live through this pit I'm in with me I am certain that we will find a place that we will find to be more beautiful that any we have ever known. You care to work and try and commit to this which is beyond amazing to me, I've never felt that entirely encompassed in love. You want to be there for me and comfort me even when you have no idea what to say you're still determined to say something. You say the wrong thing and it doesn't hurt or make me cry or anything because i disagree but because it is only wrong because you are the first person who gets it so well that you do not know how to sooth it away, you want to face it down and talk the details and the realities. I love you for this but I don't know how to deal with this because no one ever gets it enough to force me to deal with it. You when put on the spot answer everything the way they never could, the way I needed someone to, the way that makes me feel bad for having tested you because it feels so natural for you to answer the way you do, to react the way you do, that I never should have questioned it. You are the exact person I need right now, and I hope like hell that you'll be the exact person I need always. I hope you feel the same way and always will too. Be it fate, or destiny, or okcupid that is to blame for us finding each other I am happy that we both chose to move back to Michigan and that you out of nowhere decided to say hi to me again.

...I'll be damned...

If I were a cutter there'd be gashes...
If I were a burner they'd be 3rd degree...

If I were a druggie I'd be higher than the sky...
If I were an alcoholic I'd be comatose...
If I knew how to kill myself you'd never be reading this....
If I listened to nothing else he said, I can tell you...
If I am asked, that dad says suicides leave notes and tell others hoping they'll be stopped...
If I can make no other promise it is that...
If I really wanted to do this...
If I really knew how, there'd be not attempt just success!

every one's got answers but never solutions, so we all figure out how to deal in our own ways...

i'm rambling again...

It however seems to be the only way I figure things out...seems like no one is reading any more so I guess this might as well be dear diary entries any more but it is what it is...


How do you collect your thoughts well enough to fully share what you are thinking and feeling with someone else?!
I know just barely enough to not lose my mind over the inner turmoil and craziness that ensues over you. Upon my recognition that I do indeed care for you at all. At the realization that I not only care for you but beyond that, I care greatly for you.
How do I share that I care for you to the point of some may say fault?!
To tell you "I love you", the full statement, in every connotation you may derive. to be sure I am ready to care that much, much less have you know that I do, that I am ready for me to know that I do. convincing myself has been hard, convincing others seems to be the only way I have come around to it, having to defend why I think its a good idea to think about much less do has made me understand that I apparently really do. I know that I needed to be sure to convince myself fully to say it with all that must be behind it to give you what you deserve. You deserve me to know that I fully mean and feel all that is in that statement, to feel and mean it with every fiber of my being and beat of my heart, breath that I breath and longing of my soul.
I feel ready to say I need, you. I feel comfortable and confident in needing you. I love that I need you, this time I have chosen it, not been deluded or deceived into it. I am however frightened that I need you, to need anyone is scary. However, I really do feel like I need you for the right reasons, I need you because I have chosen to need you, because I need you due to wanting you so badly, fully, truly. The need for you is not based in your ability to twist and turn my reality into believing that I need you. I do not think like I have in the past, I do not believe that I will cease to have you and thus cease to live if you pass out of my life. I understand that without you I would cease to live the life we have begun to create together, the elements of my life that I have come to have because of my connection to you. I would miss you and not enjoy things that have become important to me because of you or important to us as a unit. Those things that have tied my world together around you would not be the same ever again, might even be things to pass out of my life, despite my connection to them. Despite this I am certain that I would survive.
It sounds harsh to say I would survive without you, but its freeing for me. It sounds like something that should make your heart drop, you are not important to me, not even as much as people in my past. This is however not what I am saying. This concept that I could live without you, sure it sounds harsh but it means to me that I've chosen not to rather than feeling as though I cannot. This is a great feeling for me, an empowering feeling. It all means to me that I have chosen this, rather than being falsely brought to believe. It all means that I choose to keep you, all because I wish to, want to, like to; not because I am too afraid to let go, too afraid to cease to exist, unable to let go.
Thank you for being this for me!

One Month...

...believe me I won't stop at nothin' to see you, so I've started runnin'.
all that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughin' with you.
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after, after the life we've been through...

...what about now?
what about today?
what if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
what if...
baby before its too late...

...if you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
I don't understand, if I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
I don't know life so far away, but I know that its just a trip, we'll make it through...
I hope I love you all my life...
'cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right...

Valentine's Day

This year I celebrated my first ever Valentine's Day. I know I'm posting this days late, but I feel the need to share a bit of it due to the fact that it is the only I've ever had.

Days in advance I started planning for what I wanted to be the greatest job I could possibly do. Decided I was going to make baby lots and lots of yummy things. I was going to make her a lovely breakfast and delicious dinner, and it was all going to be a surprise to her. I did both of these but not quite the way that I planned them, baby ended up helping me make everything and knew exactly what was to be made Monday by Sunday night...when she went shopping with me. I luckily have a pretty great boi because this went off without a hitch and baby even picked up making salad and dessert to help me out with getting everything done. This all seemed to me just a pain in the butt, but we realized Tuesday morning, I'm getting sick...which means you guessed it I gave baby sickness for Valentine's Day too.

I also got baby a last minute you have to have a actual presentable gift. I got her starburst...as I found out Sunday she loves them...and a card, it was sooo cute! I read the card I got her and I couldn't help but think this is totally our card!

Breakfast--heart shaped pancakes, strawberries, pineapples, and Sunny-D cocktail. Baby made the pancakes, she rocks....free handed hearts!

Dinner--sun dried tomato and cheese stuffed shells with Alfredo sauce, salad and Smirnoff Ice. Baby had the great idea of the drinks, and with grenadine to make it pink.

Dessert--Strawberry sorbet, warm fudge brownie and fresh strawberries.

Ok, so that's the stuff I did for baby, that I ended up getting lots of her help on...I'm feeling spoiled.

As for what baby did...she got me a Build-A-Bear...well really he's a dog. She under stuffed him so that he'd be extra cuddly...and I named him in my ever silly naming fashion. Our little boi is Cappie O'Ryaleigh...because baby is a Capricorn and works at O'Rielly's. We're going to go get him a collar and name tag today...she wanted to do these things on Valentine's Day but couldn't find anything that she liked. Also, as of Tuesday I have learned that the cutest thing about Cappie-O is the fact that baby put the "I Love You" heart in him.

For how short a time we've been together that frighten and excites me. I think it means good things that I'm excited at it...I mean really how can it not be good to be excited. As far as the fear, I don't attribute it to a I'm scared you can feel that, but that I wont be worthy of being loved. This fear of not being worth of other's love is something very common for me...but I'm I guess used to being the first to decide I love the other person so its easier to accept their love because I hope for love in return.

cliches...running through my head

There are these cliche little things that run through my head whenever someone new comes around, whenever a turning point in a relationship happens, whenever I start to doubt or feel too comfortable, they race through at unsurmountable speeds. Somehow I always think them and on regular occasion find myself realizing that I've waited too long to second check a realtionship on these points, or once its over I've been making excuses why its okay just this once, anything to not let go. I find myself again checking someone on this list of things. This time around I'm finding myself happily suprised by the results...but still sure that I need to be more careful than I am being...

take a look around and be sure before you make your decisions...
I try to look around but I'm noticing myself putting on the blinders

jump in feet first if you're going to take a leap at all...
I am definitely going feet first...but I feel my heart migraiting, so maybe I wont bump my head and wake up in six months terribly unhappy but my heart will still be broken if I do find myself losing this one

slow and steady if it's meant to be it'll stand the test of time...
It feels steady, but nothing about this is going slowly. This I find a bit suprising to realize since we talked about both of us wanting to take it slowly and we've still managed to ignore our own decisions, because it just feels right, which is always a good reason but still a detour from the plans.

make sure you're head says go before you let your heart decide...
There is definitely a level of my head being the major factor going right now, but there are just some statements and actions that can't be kept from causing a reaction in one's heart. Seriously she makes me feel warm and fuzzy sometimes and I like that feeling all too well.

absense makes the heart grow fonder...
Boo...seriously I don't want absense...I know its good to have personal time and alla that but I don't like the waiting between seeing one another, there's something so comfortable about being together that I can't seem to not want to be there whenever it is possible!

don't make someone a priority, who makes you only an option...
Now this I've got the lock on, there is no way I will let myself take this trap again. Infact this is the reason we've even started talking, I walked away from the last person who made me feel this way and happened upon this new and amazing person. I've officially deemed her my upgrade. lol

I can't figure out how to even begin to talk about this, this is something entirely new to my world, I don't think I have the words in my vocabulary. I have a pretty great vocabulary, in the arena of discussing relationships I almost never have a lose for words . When it comes to figuring out how to express how I feel, how others feel, the ins and outs of how or why I've pretty much got no shortcomings what-so-ever. I may take issue to expressing my feelings, espeically when they feel bigger than life, directly to the face of the one they're towards but I've still always got the words to process out somewhere. In this case I find myself using cliches and idiocycratic catch phrases. I have never felt so entirely goofy happy or stupid for someone or purely me with someone, especially not this quickly. We talk about the most awkward of topics but they just kinda roll of our tongues as if we're talking about the weather.

...inexperienced at giving up...

That I am,
but dealing with women...
now that can be a way to teach me,
and pretty damn quick!

I don't know how to deal,
with this whirling,
swirling,
too damn much,
craziness!

I am so close...
to saying I quit,
and meaning it,
maybe its not a bad plan.

I dunno just not ok,
not ok with questioning,
I wonder if I'm saying,
I wonder if I'm doing,
I wonder if I'm acting,
the wrong way,
constantly!

Lyrical, Prose Forced to Poetics...Beat! No, there lacks a rhythm...

Music,
a beating,
a pulsing,
a commonality.

Commonality,
a thing in both,
a foundation in both,
a string to tie together.

One day,
taken in stride,
just a breakfast,
then a mall walk,
then a trip,
A2 comith we.

One trip,
the traffic,
the snow,
the stops...
U of M,
Chipolte,
Panera,
Chipolte again,
back to the traffic,
back to the snow,
back home.

Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!

U of M,
free money.

Chipolte,
community found.

Panera,
free food,
cheap food,
venturing back.

Chipolte,
a gift cherished.

Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!

Home,
long enough,
only to shower.

The terror trip,
the first adventure back,
seeing the old place,
yes I went back to P707,
yes I remember our number,
I was 263 got that one too.

Soup getting achieved,
just a quick delivery,
soup delivery,
enjoy!

The thankfulness,
you're amazing,
you're the bomb,
thank you.

Your soup,
deemed worth it,
worth the terror.

Adventure off to home,
I'm staying this time!

Night well slept,
but a fear upon waking,
missing father,
he eventually checked in,
two hours later,
early morning,
not appreciated!

Now the ponderence,
a poeticesk beginning,
discussion of music,
discussion of commonality,
where did that stream go,
nowhere is the truth!

I've told much,
yet withheld just as much,
I've shared things,
words,
poetically,
lyrically,
beat fashion perhaps,
I've told nothing of substance,
what happened,
had less to do with this,
more to do with that,
yet I've given the insight of our day,
who'd've though you can give it all,
and nothing this way?!

Hang on this cliff,
the one I've left,
but don't expect me to come back,
as much as I've told I've said,
I will hold the truth of its importance,
in my depth...
fortress of secrets,
hidden where only the brave dare to go,
none come back the same,
and our secrets will be kept,
for it is only the makers,
who see what the memories have left.

(musicallities posted seperately)

...hold tight...

yes i do…
i want you to hold me,
is it wrong to want you to?
you asked me if i did the other night,
i responded with a sidelong look.
maybe you didn’t understand what it meant,
my look meant dear god please do.
i don’t think you got that.
guess if there is a next time you ask,
my answer will have to be please do.
just be more forward about wants/needs…
then you’ll be less shy or nervous,
then you’ll wrap your arm around me,
then you’ll feel comfortable hugging me,
then maybe you’ll more than hug me,
then you’ll sit closer during our movies,
then you wont bite your nails,
then you’ll get its not a mistake,
you’ll understand I’m touching you purposefully.
i hope you ask me again,
i really truly do.

...emotions...

I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
fear me and the damage,
you alone are capable of.

I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
I will likely crumple,
I but a frailty in your hands.

I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
I like dried out flowers,
disintegrating at your touch.

I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
my heart is shattered,
damage you have already done.

tears

cry those tears beautiful
cry them ever so queitly
cry them into your pillow
cry them for yourself
cry them for others who wont
cry it out there is no other way
cry it out maybe it will pass
cry, cry, cry...
cry without anyone knowing
cry to the silence of your room

do whatever you have to,
just get rid of it!

whatever you do,
crying
is
THE
only
outlet
you
are
allowed!

Ideologies

I would like to think that I have always been aware that everyone approaches situations with their own individual set of ideologies. These ideologies come from everything they have seen or heard or experienced in some fashion. What we have done is how we shape together what we wish to do again or never wish to do again. It is also contributing to the way we interpret others actions and behavior patterns and words. I have known this in many instinctual ways based if nothing else on own experience with my formation of these constructs. I was given the vocabulary to really talk about it in my studies since a big part of a social workers job is to recognize where clients are and meet them there without judgement or condemnation. Needless to say the whole topic is not one I am all too far from having a stew of thoughts going somewhere in my head.
I guess now would be where I make the point of my ramblings thus far. Even with the genuine strives towards acknowledging the fact that ideologies are present in all of us and can be found to conflict in any of a million ways on any of an infinite number of topics or rationalizations. I still find myself amazed that there is a sense of what it means to be safe and protected and loved that even among some that would seem well established to be close enough in ideology to place the statements on the topics into the world with similar constructs of meaning there is disagreement in very fundamental and crucially dividing ways.
I for one have always said that safety and security and protection are things i seek in life and thus the ability to make me feel that way a trait I seek in life partners. I am noticing what seems to be a divide in ideologies over my expression of this in my previous blog. I do not know if it is my left of center self expression that makes this desire in many senses entirely fundamentally different from that of other ideologies but i have never seen to be any great challenge to meet. I can not say I have before recently had anyone bring to my attention that it is not necessarily something they could do. It is to me a sign of fundamental differentiation that ultimately proves more in the lack of understanding or seeking of further clarification to me that shows it was a need that would not have been met not because it was impossible to ask but because the defeated attitude was already established so there would not be a high probability of trying to meet it.

Screaming Infidelities

Screaming...loudness I'm refusing to hold back any longer
Infidelities...a lack of christian faith...a breach of trust or a disloyal act, a transgression.
 
Why am I left to feel myself in this horrible place of only being only describable with those two words?  

How did I get myself to here? Why do I stay here? 
How do I let myself be that person? Why do I continue down the path that gets me here? 
How do I let myself stay with someone who makes it true? Why do I let you put me in this place?
How do I end up in this? Why do I stay? 
How do I say I have to leave it? Why don't we both adapt to not need this?
How do I not hurt anyone in my departure? Why does anyone have to be hurt? Why do I have to depart? 

I can't answer, wont answer, must answer, mighty break...who's to blame?!

Poems...

sad eyes look upon sad eyes,

an open heart plays closed in both people,

they know it, but don't like it, they're one in the same,

two hearts, thump the same beating, pacing, thump cycle,

it makes sense, how couldn't it?

they're realistically cut from the same cloth,

at least parts, many parts of them, at least half,

two cloths intertwined to make the child come to life,

the cloth of two combined and one heart beats,

perfectly yet imperfectly in-sync, yet just slightly out of sync,

two the parents, a third the child,

no one questions how of why they would be so much the same.