Screaming Infidelities

Screaming...loudness I'm refusing to hold back any longer
Infidelities...a lack of christian faith...a breach of trust or a disloyal act, a transgression.
 
Why am I left to feel myself in this horrible place of only being only describable with those two words?  

How did I get myself to here? Why do I stay here? 
How do I let myself be that person? Why do I continue down the path that gets me here? 
How do I let myself stay with someone who makes it true? Why do I let you put me in this place?
How do I end up in this? Why do I stay? 
How do I say I have to leave it? Why don't we both adapt to not need this?
How do I not hurt anyone in my departure? Why does anyone have to be hurt? Why do I have to depart? 

I can't answer, wont answer, must answer, mighty break...who's to blame?!

Viewpoints...

I see you there, I know your words are for me, I don't hear them. Your words fall on deaf ears, not of my choosing. Standing here seeing moving lips, I don't read at all well enough to get your point. You scream it out, I see it in your face (red) and body language (the tension). I try not to let on, you'll be angered by my facials, your kind always are. I sign tiny, just out of your frame of vision, if you catch it, you'll think I'm different and wrong. You do catch it, you have a crazy look, that "oh shit, a deaf one" look. I can read that face anywhere. I watch you regroup, looking around trying to figure out how to solve this, you catch sight of someone you know who signs. I watch as you catch their eye and call them over. The first sign you ask them to feed to me is an apology. I am still hurt, but realizing you're not like others, not entirely at least. Maybe your face of oh shit was not about me but about your own behaviors and assumptions. I guess this wont be as bad as I thought, maybe I'll be okay here.

(This is not by any means me saying I know what it is like or choosing to say I am truly reflecting what it is like to be deaf but...I've got some ideas on what I'm trying to say and really just want to put out there the prose I wrote in my Orientation to Deafness Class as I watched a show about being deaf and after several conversations, chapters read, and shows both fictional and nonfiction viewed. )

Poems...

sad eyes look upon sad eyes,

an open heart plays closed in both people,

they know it, but don't like it, they're one in the same,

two hearts, thump the same beating, pacing, thump cycle,

it makes sense, how couldn't it?

they're realistically cut from the same cloth,

at least parts, many parts of them, at least half,

two cloths intertwined to make the child come to life,

the cloth of two combined and one heart beats,

perfectly yet imperfectly in-sync, yet just slightly out of sync,

two the parents, a third the child,

no one questions how of why they would be so much the same.

Thinking Thinking Thinking...Thought

I realized the random-est of things in the last few days. When I am in need of a place all to myself, I no longer use my words and whispers to tell myself my needs, wants, desires...I sign them to myself. I find myself signing as much as possible but I literally have self communication sessions with myself. I find myself sitting in my car signing everything I think, I must remember the signs, my way to practice yet don't see it as practicing any longer, I enjoy the use of sign language to talk to myself, to express my thoughts, feelings and needs with myself. This new means of communication is the best gift I've given myself in a long time, and as much as I will use it wisely in my career in the future, it is doing great empowering things for me right now in my own little one person world.