she screams I love you [in her whispered voice] after you as you walk away
she is so very scared they are the last words she'll ever say
she hopes with all her heart and soul you've heard her exclamation
she knows whether or not you do you'll still stay turned away
she watches the tension in you change and wonders if it because of what she had to say
she wonders if you are relieved that you are gone from her to stay
she wonders if this is you happy that she's said it because you needed it, always will
she really only can wonder for now what will come of this, all of the emotions, there will be many a day
she will wait many days to find out if you are gone away or will return to stay
she will cry many tears listening to you say the things you always meant to say
she will cry many tears hearing in her own head the things she meant to say
she will be hurt for many days and night and never be quiet again alright
she is the girl you leave behind when you turn your back, out of mind and out of sight
Showing posts with label reposts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reposts. Show all posts
Friday, November 4, 2011
open up...
I wrote this just under a year ago and just found it, felt like sharing, maybe I shared it then too but I like it enough to post twice!
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
by the light of a neon moon
You approach and whisper sweet nothings in her ear
and all she hears is your gentle breath as she clings to every word
all she feels is your lips gently, swiftly moving,
her heart beating slower and faster all at the same time
and then, then she realizes that this feeling
this feeling she would love to feel again and again.
That tingle traveling down her spine,
paralyzing yet invigorating
without a doubt everything her dreams ever had in store
everything she ever dreamed for and more.
In these moments is when she comes to realize
she wants every little bit you have to give
and knows its her's to have if only she were to ask
your ability to do this she adores
as she's told you time and again.
and all she hears is your gentle breath as she clings to every word
all she feels is your lips gently, swiftly moving,
her heart beating slower and faster all at the same time
and then, then she realizes that this feeling
this feeling she would love to feel again and again.
That tingle traveling down her spine,
paralyzing yet invigorating
without a doubt everything her dreams ever had in store
everything she ever dreamed for and more.
In these moments is when she comes to realize
she wants every little bit you have to give
and knows its her's to have if only she were to ask
your ability to do this she adores
as she's told you time and again.
saturday...
If I had to describe a perfect Saturday...
Waking up to the pitter-patter of little feet running, getting closer and closer with every second. Rolling over and kissing you good morning, feeling that exhilarating feeling it alone can give. Both propping ourselves up in the bed, waiting for this visitor we're going to be getting. Nuzzled up near the head of the bed just awaiting the gorgeous little face we’ll see at any moment now. Hear the doorknob start turning and see that little face peek around the door. Without a moment of hesitations watch our little one come running and jumping up into the bed, scamper quickly up between us as we wrap them in our love. Lean back just the three of us, turn on music or cartoons and lay in bed talking about everything and nothing because we’re happy where we are.
Start to hear our tummies grumble and plot what breakfast should be. Head into the kitchen laughing and talking ready to cook. Put that gorgeous little one in a seat at the island to watch and still be close, while we pull out all the fixin's and start to cook. Waffles with fruit topping and whip cream, eggs with hot dogs and cheese in them, all the yummiest things we could think of all for the three of us. All the while we’re cooking being playful and just smiling and laughing, making silly faces and placing gentle kisses in passing.
Nothing but smiles and happiness, just one perfect day out of the week. Lie around and watch movies, play games, color in coloring books. Go to the park and swing on the swings, slide down the big slide, run across the bridges and crawl through the tunnels. Get ice cream on the way home or go home and make banana splits. Have comfort foods for lunch and/or dinner, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, or hearty stew. Or give in and make whatever it is our little one wants for dinner.
Curl up on the couch or in a pile of blankets on the floor and cuddle our little one to sleep. Carry them to their bedroom and tuck them into bed, placing gentle kisses on their forehead. Stand there in the doorway looking at this child of ours, once so tiny getting bigger with every passing day, this life we are responsible for, this child we adore. Stand there holding onto one another for what will never be long enough for as soon as we leave they will begin to change and grow, as soon as we blink once our child is a second older and closer to being all grown up. Walking off down the hall holding hands as we put the last few things left out of place into order and then take ourselves to bed.
Slip into our room and without words begin to undress each other. Watch closely all that is uncovered; memorize the shape and feel of each others body, the touch the other leaves on our own skin. Kiss deeply one another, in an effort to show just how much love we give the other. Just stand there holding each other close and placing gentle kisses on occasion. Finally pulling away from one another as one of us leads the way to the shower. Turn on the water and let it begin to warm the entire room as we stand there holding each other not wanting to let go. Slip into the shower and feel the warmth come over our bodies as we both fall under the streams of water. Gently run our fingers through each others hair and lean close for yet another breathtaking kiss. With only gentle whispers when necessary bath one another with care. Give kisses and run fingers and hands over each other’s body. Hold the other close and let them feel your love flowing out of every pore. Turn off the water and dry ourselves and each other off. Go back into our room and slip into bed, cuddle close and go to sleep. The last thing remembered before going to sleep is the sound of the other whispering I love you.
Waking up to the pitter-patter of little feet running, getting closer and closer with every second. Rolling over and kissing you good morning, feeling that exhilarating feeling it alone can give. Both propping ourselves up in the bed, waiting for this visitor we're going to be getting. Nuzzled up near the head of the bed just awaiting the gorgeous little face we’ll see at any moment now. Hear the doorknob start turning and see that little face peek around the door. Without a moment of hesitations watch our little one come running and jumping up into the bed, scamper quickly up between us as we wrap them in our love. Lean back just the three of us, turn on music or cartoons and lay in bed talking about everything and nothing because we’re happy where we are.
Start to hear our tummies grumble and plot what breakfast should be. Head into the kitchen laughing and talking ready to cook. Put that gorgeous little one in a seat at the island to watch and still be close, while we pull out all the fixin's and start to cook. Waffles with fruit topping and whip cream, eggs with hot dogs and cheese in them, all the yummiest things we could think of all for the three of us. All the while we’re cooking being playful and just smiling and laughing, making silly faces and placing gentle kisses in passing.
Nothing but smiles and happiness, just one perfect day out of the week. Lie around and watch movies, play games, color in coloring books. Go to the park and swing on the swings, slide down the big slide, run across the bridges and crawl through the tunnels. Get ice cream on the way home or go home and make banana splits. Have comfort foods for lunch and/or dinner, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, or hearty stew. Or give in and make whatever it is our little one wants for dinner.
Curl up on the couch or in a pile of blankets on the floor and cuddle our little one to sleep. Carry them to their bedroom and tuck them into bed, placing gentle kisses on their forehead. Stand there in the doorway looking at this child of ours, once so tiny getting bigger with every passing day, this life we are responsible for, this child we adore. Stand there holding onto one another for what will never be long enough for as soon as we leave they will begin to change and grow, as soon as we blink once our child is a second older and closer to being all grown up. Walking off down the hall holding hands as we put the last few things left out of place into order and then take ourselves to bed.
Slip into our room and without words begin to undress each other. Watch closely all that is uncovered; memorize the shape and feel of each others body, the touch the other leaves on our own skin. Kiss deeply one another, in an effort to show just how much love we give the other. Just stand there holding each other close and placing gentle kisses on occasion. Finally pulling away from one another as one of us leads the way to the shower. Turn on the water and let it begin to warm the entire room as we stand there holding each other not wanting to let go. Slip into the shower and feel the warmth come over our bodies as we both fall under the streams of water. Gently run our fingers through each others hair and lean close for yet another breathtaking kiss. With only gentle whispers when necessary bath one another with care. Give kisses and run fingers and hands over each other’s body. Hold the other close and let them feel your love flowing out of every pore. Turn off the water and dry ourselves and each other off. Go back into our room and slip into bed, cuddle close and go to sleep. The last thing remembered before going to sleep is the sound of the other whispering I love you.
bitter-sweet...
She falls asleep,
to the bitter-sweet,
rhythmic melodies,
inside her head,
of hopes and dreams.
Yet she fears,
because she fell inlove with you,
but she is unsure,
"did you ever fall inlove with me?"
Though you said it and still do,
she still wonders,
tries not to regret,
and disbelieves,
the simple things,
she hopes you meant,
and still mean.
The things you said,
echoing,
inside her head,
as she dreams,
in disbelief.
She falls asleep,
into a slumber so sweet,
in disbelieve,
of the sweet things,
you said,
still echoing,
inside her head,
breaking her heart,
and,
soon she'll have to be,
making up her mind,
in you does she see,
what she needed to find?
to the bitter-sweet,
rhythmic melodies,
inside her head,
of hopes and dreams.
Yet she fears,
because she fell inlove with you,
but she is unsure,
"did you ever fall inlove with me?"
Though you said it and still do,
she still wonders,
tries not to regret,
and disbelieves,
the simple things,
she hopes you meant,
and still mean.
The things you said,
echoing,
inside her head,
as she dreams,
in disbelief.
She falls asleep,
into a slumber so sweet,
in disbelieve,
of the sweet things,
you said,
still echoing,
inside her head,
breaking her heart,
and,
soon she'll have to be,
making up her mind,
in you does she see,
what she needed to find?
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
into the soul
Why I began to fall is not clear,
but I long to find myself in the depths of your soul,
by looking deep into your eyes,
find a crack in the corners of your smile...
to sneak in through.
If only I could learn everything by watching you sleep,
in those tiny moments inbetween,
inbetween everything,
everything you say and do,
everything everyone sees of you,
Your gestures give it all way,
yet they still keep your secrets...
some how persuading me,
to leave my line of questioning.
Everyone notices something,
but I notice everything...
you stand differently,
you walk differently,
you speak differently,
but only with me.
Others listen to your words passively,
I lust after them and long to hear all that you think.
Some how I only need from you is nothing and everything,
at the same time.
I want everything you are and can be,
I want nothing you are not or cannot be...
All I want is you and some how that is more than enough for me.
but I long to find myself in the depths of your soul,
by looking deep into your eyes,
find a crack in the corners of your smile...
to sneak in through.
If only I could learn everything by watching you sleep,
in those tiny moments inbetween,
inbetween everything,
everything you say and do,
everything everyone sees of you,
Your gestures give it all way,
yet they still keep your secrets...
some how persuading me,
to leave my line of questioning.
Everyone notices something,
but I notice everything...
you stand differently,
you walk differently,
you speak differently,
but only with me.
Others listen to your words passively,
I lust after them and long to hear all that you think.
Some how I only need from you is nothing and everything,
at the same time.
I want everything you are and can be,
I want nothing you are not or cannot be...
All I want is you and some how that is more than enough for me.
apparently I've been writing these for ages...
Looking out for this:
midnight car rides to absolutely nowhere with someone who
understands the entire point of the game is just to play it
kisses that scramble your brain processes and numb your body
but to the tingles and sparks they create in you
that person who helps you understand the statement
"Time Flies When You're Having Fun"
that touch that stops everything, not long enough
to be noticed by anyone else but the two of you,
but lets you know that there is something absolutely perfect
and magical there
that voice that can make you forget your fears and
help you to dry your tears
that look that both calms and excites you,
even when its just for a split second across a crowded room
that one who sees past all of the fronts
the one who in perfect silence you can express so much more
than can be said with anyone else in words
the one who makes you say, "so we do all that shit I've always
made fun of others for, but I don't even care that they're making
fun of us for it now"
that one whom as you scamper off to curl up in your corner
with the things you use to bring yourself warmth and comfort,
a part of all you use to woo yourself to sleep is thoughts of them
midnight car rides to absolutely nowhere with someone who
understands the entire point of the game is just to play it
kisses that scramble your brain processes and numb your body
but to the tingles and sparks they create in you
that person who helps you understand the statement
"Time Flies When You're Having Fun"
that touch that stops everything, not long enough
to be noticed by anyone else but the two of you,
but lets you know that there is something absolutely perfect
and magical there
that voice that can make you forget your fears and
help you to dry your tears
that look that both calms and excites you,
even when its just for a split second across a crowded room
that one who sees past all of the fronts
the one who in perfect silence you can express so much more
than can be said with anyone else in words
the one who makes you say, "so we do all that shit I've always
made fun of others for, but I don't even care that they're making
fun of us for it now"
that one whom as you scamper off to curl up in your corner
with the things you use to bring yourself warmth and comfort,
a part of all you use to woo yourself to sleep is thoughts of them
global emoticon
and there I am momentarily gone again
lost in the light hiding for me in your eyes
the sweet subtlety in your touch
feel my heart rush
lost in sweet elegance of your voice
what you say matters not
but I push myself to stay listening
to be here on the surface with you
I fight against my own will
I want to be lost in you
irrational over you
feel as never before because of you
you used to let me
welcome me into the nothing that for me was everything
I'm lost as how to proceed from here
do I find faults to run fast quickl
do I drop roots give all of me into this thing
I'm desperately trying to figure out where's the me
should I want any of anything you offer to me
is it wrong to want so whole heartedly
what you've never dreamed was your's to have half heartedly
I dream but how can this be
life beyond the fantasy
what do I owe thee
what do you expect of me
how is it that I cannot wake of this dream
oh please if there is but a higher being
let this fall at my feet shattered glass
the looking glass of my dreams
or make it not fragile enough to ever be such a thing
I feel myself drawn so wholly into it
will sooner now surrender everything
everything I cannot stand to lose
so this must be broken now
or eternal
no room for the in-between
so now I wonder
goddess
angel
what do you think
can you give this to me
you promised never to hurt me
so don't
give me my longed for eternity
please beautiful girl
learn nothing but to love me
do nothing but love me
be you the woman who will always love me
or be gone as harsh as it may be
lost in the light hiding for me in your eyes
the sweet subtlety in your touch
feel my heart rush
lost in sweet elegance of your voice
what you say matters not
but I push myself to stay listening
to be here on the surface with you
I fight against my own will
I want to be lost in you
irrational over you
feel as never before because of you
you used to let me
welcome me into the nothing that for me was everything
I'm lost as how to proceed from here
do I find faults to run fast quickl
do I drop roots give all of me into this thing
I'm desperately trying to figure out where's the me
should I want any of anything you offer to me
is it wrong to want so whole heartedly
what you've never dreamed was your's to have half heartedly
I dream but how can this be
life beyond the fantasy
what do I owe thee
what do you expect of me
how is it that I cannot wake of this dream
oh please if there is but a higher being
let this fall at my feet shattered glass
the looking glass of my dreams
or make it not fragile enough to ever be such a thing
I feel myself drawn so wholly into it
will sooner now surrender everything
everything I cannot stand to lose
so this must be broken now
or eternal
no room for the in-between
so now I wonder
goddess
angel
what do you think
can you give this to me
you promised never to hurt me
so don't
give me my longed for eternity
please beautiful girl
learn nothing but to love me
do nothing but love me
be you the woman who will always love me
or be gone as harsh as it may be
...emotions...
I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
fear me and the damage,
you alone are capable of.
I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
I will likely crumple,
I but a frailty in your hands.
I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
I like dried out flowers,
disintegrating at your touch.
I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
my heart is shattered,
damage you have already done.
dare not touch me,
fear me and the damage,
you alone are capable of.
I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
I will likely crumple,
I but a frailty in your hands.
I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
I like dried out flowers,
disintegrating at your touch.
I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
my heart is shattered,
damage you have already done.
Twenty-Five List
Roughly two years ago there was this trend on facebook to put up a list of twenty-five I guess you could call them facts or confessions.
These are those I wrote then...I think they're pretty much the same these days, I read through and made minor adjustments...seems I'm not changing very quickly.
#1
When I filled this in I couldn't decided on what should be most or least important I just filled the spaces in completely out of order. I couldn't figure out what to do with number one; no matter what, whatever I put here, it gives off an impression of me, so I decided to tell you how I filled it in. This says something about me, this says something really big...I just hope no one understands it because its a trait I'm not entirely proud of myself for...yet.
#2
For a very long time I had absolutely zero nicknames and I hated it, and then now I look at it and realize I have a lot of them, they just kinda happened and as much as some of them are only one person I love it. They make me feel like I have accomplished something, they make me feel kinda important, I dunno I like it though.
#3
I never give up on people, they may fall out of my life and we don't talk for a very long time but somewhere deep down I will always care for you if I have ever cared for you. I am always just on the other end of a post card, note, letter, phone call, shit stop by and visit I don't care, I am always there. I have one hundred and seventy-seven numbers in my phone and I use on average probably ten of them in any given month. I keep any mode of communication I have/had with a person just in case they need me, trust me there have been people who've suddenly popped back in...and been surprised that I hadn't deleted them from my life.
#4
I love my family to death but I am not very close to any of them any more, I've lived so far from half of them that things kinda just never formed to amazingly there and I'd love to make it happen, I really am debating on moving to be near them after everything is over just to be able to be close to them because I feel like they're the more closely knit, family typed side of my family. I have lived near the other side of the family all of my life and I feel like they've come to a point where almost everyone has become completely involved in their own lives and its just pointless to drag them out of it, they still get together for the holidays specifically but it just doesn't feel like enough.
#5
I am in a sorority and for as much shit as I get for it I still love it, and the girls. Almost everyone I know thinks its hilarious that I would do something like that to myself and can't believe it, I don't know if they ever will some of them. As much shit as I get and get put through to be a part of this, I feel like these ladies are a big part of my life and I'm grateful for them, even the ones that drive me up the wall every chance they get. They are my family and always will be, its taken me a very long time to realize what they mean and be able to say it out loud but they're very important and very much so family to me.
#6
I have dated more guys than girls and this fact often shocks people.
#7
Since I have come out, I have slowly but surely become more and more butch in appearance and attitude. Each time I come out to a new person, I think the person I am tends to comes out just a little bit more. (I now realize that this is oh so true, the only thing is that I have also realized that I can be whomever I want to be. I am now coming to terms with being whomever I want to be and I love it! I am pretty much so fully out and learning with it to be fully me in every way that I have dropped to stop just fitting into what others expect of me and picked up whatever I want to to be me.)
#8
I am a blonde and I feel like I break the stereotypes. I don't tend to have any more "blonde moments" than anyone with not a single blonde hair in their head. I say or do silly and totally off the wall, make no sense things sometimes...but its not because of my hair color, I blame my friends for rubbing off lol, that and I figure with how perfectly logical, mother hen I am 90% of the time, at least, I need to have some pretty big totally off moments to reconcile that I am no where near the age to be doing that for everyone. I'm still a kid for the most part and well the silly stuff balances it out so I seem to maybe act my age every once in a while.
#9
I have always had a house to go to but for a very long time I have not really considered anywhere home. I've been trying to make somewhere home so I tend to say I am going home whenever I am going to anywhere I will be staying for awhile, both of my parents houses and school have gotten this title in the last few years. I recently thought I was going to find myself a home, but those plans fell through so we'll see if I get them again.
#10
I have never had sex with anyone of the male species, as far as I know. I have had plenty of opportunities and did not take them, and will likely not be taking any any time soon. I do however think that I will try to make a baby the all natural way if I ever do decide to get pregnant.
#11
I feel as though I can safely say I've been truly in-love once in my twenty years. I fell very quickly for this person, I loved them with my entire heart, I know for certain that they will always be a part of who I am, especially because they have effected my manorisms and speech patters in their time in my life. I can honestly say that I don't feel like I made any mistakes with them, I look back and wish I would have done some things now but I think they'd have been great but were not things to regret not doing. I have loved many before that person, I will likely love many after that person, but no one will ever be that person and I am not yet sure if I will be truly in-love again after them, I can only hope.
(Side note: this is the only one that I put on a specific number for a specific reason.)
#12
No matter what my life turns out to be, I know for certain that I want it to be something worth someone remembering. I want to be in someone's heart when I pass away. I want people to remember me for something nice I said or did, something life changing that I was apart of, I just don't want to be gone forever when I die, I want to live on in someone's memory for just a little while longer than I live on in this world.
#13
I have this saying and I think it's true...I am the girl your parents didn't warn you about, but they should not feel bad for not warning you about me because I try to be someone they truly hoped you would meet. I want to be the person parents love that their child has.
#14
I have fallen out of touch with a lot of people in my life, my plans to go home for school I think will be good for getting myself reacquainted with these people, I have numbers and addresses and I really think I'll try to put them to good use and see these people because they have really made me the person I am, they were best friends, first crushes, the family that isn't really related but they are just or more important.
#15
I am terrified of the future, I think I've started to figure some things out, like where I want to go to grad school, a decision that was really needing to be come up with pretty quickly, but I don't really have my life figured past that. I know I want to go somewhere that isn't home and do something amazing for people, I really think I'm going to pursue the corrections end of social work, it just feels right and I think it might be fun to do that in a big city. I just don't know where to go, I fear change so often and hate being all alone in new places so I don't know what to do. I'd like to move really far away but I think I'd be afraid to never see anyone again, and I am most afraid that I'll wind up staying home for the rest of my life, I mean get a place of my own but never branch out and do the things I've put into my head that I need to do for me.
#16
I don't like new places, they terrify me, I don't like being alone in the world and I've always felt like a small not even blimp on the radar. I am good at going places when I have just one or two people I know I can fall back on, sorta my fail safe so that I don't have to instantly start finding new people and figuring things out past just surviving. I am constantly told that I leave a great mark on all those who know me, or of me and in high school one of our star football players put me down as his senior crush, I didn't even know my name was known in those kinds of circles...
#17
I love quotes, I don't always remember them but I do love them. I could probably sit around and read them all day and not be bored. I get them sent to my phone and need to start putting them on my computer so that I can continue to receive text messages since they're clogging up my inbox far too much.
#18
I don't think I've really truly worked my ass off for anything in my life. This is not because I am lazy, I just haven't ever really wanted something outside of my ability to get with little or no work. My parents have always taken exceptionally good care of me and had the money to give me things like a college education, clothes on my back, food to eat, those wonderful things. I have never been one to be exceptionally materialistic, if I want it and I can't afford it I generally realize I don't really need it or I can have it later when I can afford it, I've saved a few times for stuff but I didn't have to bust my ass to get the savings together. I dunno maybe I need to expect more of and for myself but I just don't tend to see the point.
#19
I was one of those people who went to college knowing exactly what they wanted to do with their life, major already figured out and declared...and then I changed my mind. I don't know if I changed my mind because of the program here not being one that I was interested in being a part of or if it was truly about wanting to pursue something different than what I started with, I stayed fairly close to my original goals for a year and a half before I changed my mind. I know however now that regardless of what got me here I really think I'll be happy with what I am doing and would never have quite found my way to it in the original choice I came in with made up for myself. I have far more passion for this and will do a better job in the end I feel.
#20
I am a major flirt, I don't do it on purpose, I tend to not notice when I am doing it,and apparently even my shy tendencies come off as cute and flirty. More recently I've come to realize that I flirt in many ways common to boys and girls, and depending on whether or not I really like someone changes which I end up doing more...
#21
I define myself as monotheistic, this scares my father for reason I don't understand. This for me atleast simply means, I believe there is one higher being, for simplicity sake I tend to call this being God. I believe that this being has a hand in all that has and will happen in the life of everyone and everything everywhere. I am completely open to hearing what others thoughts are, but I hate when I am made to feel stupid because I can't quote you back the bible or tell you somewhere to find exactly why I have the feelings I do about things...my feelings about religion and my own religion have come from my own experiences, my own interactions and reactions to "my God", I have always had this understanding of God being like a best friend, someone who you can tell anything and everything and while it is said that they already know it all, I still stand by the idea of free-will so God does nothing about it until I have asked for something to be done, at least in matters that need be my choice.
#22
I do not know much of my life but two things I have always know is that I want to have a home of my own, with or without a spouse, though I'd love to have someone by my side through this crazy game of life. Also, I want to have children, adopted, birthed, fostered...however it works I want them and I want to make a very good impact on their lives.
#23
I read through other peoples lists of twenty five as I was writing mine to come up with ideas for what to write about myself because I don't tend to think about who I am and what that means very often so I hit a wall on coming up with my own ideas of what might be good to know about me.
#24
I constantly underestimate myself and get yelled at about it. I just don't think I am all that special and the things that people see about me to be special I feel like are things that everyone should have or do. Why is is soo great to get good grades, be kind to others, care about people who may or may not care about you, see someone having a hard time or bad day and actually want to do something to make their life better even if its just for a second to stop and make them smile...I dunno I guess I'm different than most in these regards.
#25
I rely on people far more than I should sometimes and I think that's a reason why they love me. As bad as it is I don't think I'll ever change that about myself, I am learning to be more independent and self reliant I just don't want to ever become completely capable of taking care of myself entirely without anyone else. I want to grow up to have a rock...I don't care what anyone else thinks of it, I want to have someone who keeps me rooted where I am and takes care of me whenever I need it, whether I want it or not.
( This is sorta like an extra one...this took me far longer than I expected it to, I put myself under the microscope and really thought about these so I really hope that you have read all of these and enjoyed them because I put myself on the line and really forced myself to think a lot while writing this.)
These are those I wrote then...I think they're pretty much the same these days, I read through and made minor adjustments...seems I'm not changing very quickly.
#1
When I filled this in I couldn't decided on what should be most or least important I just filled the spaces in completely out of order. I couldn't figure out what to do with number one; no matter what, whatever I put here, it gives off an impression of me, so I decided to tell you how I filled it in. This says something about me, this says something really big...I just hope no one understands it because its a trait I'm not entirely proud of myself for...yet.
#2
For a very long time I had absolutely zero nicknames and I hated it, and then now I look at it and realize I have a lot of them, they just kinda happened and as much as some of them are only one person I love it. They make me feel like I have accomplished something, they make me feel kinda important, I dunno I like it though.
#3
I never give up on people, they may fall out of my life and we don't talk for a very long time but somewhere deep down I will always care for you if I have ever cared for you. I am always just on the other end of a post card, note, letter, phone call, shit stop by and visit I don't care, I am always there. I have one hundred and seventy-seven numbers in my phone and I use on average probably ten of them in any given month. I keep any mode of communication I have/had with a person just in case they need me, trust me there have been people who've suddenly popped back in...and been surprised that I hadn't deleted them from my life.
#4
I love my family to death but I am not very close to any of them any more, I've lived so far from half of them that things kinda just never formed to amazingly there and I'd love to make it happen, I really am debating on moving to be near them after everything is over just to be able to be close to them because I feel like they're the more closely knit, family typed side of my family. I have lived near the other side of the family all of my life and I feel like they've come to a point where almost everyone has become completely involved in their own lives and its just pointless to drag them out of it, they still get together for the holidays specifically but it just doesn't feel like enough.
#5
I am in a sorority and for as much shit as I get for it I still love it, and the girls. Almost everyone I know thinks its hilarious that I would do something like that to myself and can't believe it, I don't know if they ever will some of them. As much shit as I get and get put through to be a part of this, I feel like these ladies are a big part of my life and I'm grateful for them, even the ones that drive me up the wall every chance they get. They are my family and always will be, its taken me a very long time to realize what they mean and be able to say it out loud but they're very important and very much so family to me.
#6
I have dated more guys than girls and this fact often shocks people.
#7
Since I have come out, I have slowly but surely become more and more butch in appearance and attitude. Each time I come out to a new person, I think the person I am tends to comes out just a little bit more. (I now realize that this is oh so true, the only thing is that I have also realized that I can be whomever I want to be. I am now coming to terms with being whomever I want to be and I love it! I am pretty much so fully out and learning with it to be fully me in every way that I have dropped to stop just fitting into what others expect of me and picked up whatever I want to to be me.)
#8
I am a blonde and I feel like I break the stereotypes. I don't tend to have any more "blonde moments" than anyone with not a single blonde hair in their head. I say or do silly and totally off the wall, make no sense things sometimes...but its not because of my hair color, I blame my friends for rubbing off lol, that and I figure with how perfectly logical, mother hen I am 90% of the time, at least, I need to have some pretty big totally off moments to reconcile that I am no where near the age to be doing that for everyone. I'm still a kid for the most part and well the silly stuff balances it out so I seem to maybe act my age every once in a while.
#9
I have always had a house to go to but for a very long time I have not really considered anywhere home. I've been trying to make somewhere home so I tend to say I am going home whenever I am going to anywhere I will be staying for awhile, both of my parents houses and school have gotten this title in the last few years. I recently thought I was going to find myself a home, but those plans fell through so we'll see if I get them again.
#10
I have never had sex with anyone of the male species, as far as I know. I have had plenty of opportunities and did not take them, and will likely not be taking any any time soon. I do however think that I will try to make a baby the all natural way if I ever do decide to get pregnant.
#11
I feel as though I can safely say I've been truly in-love once in my twenty years. I fell very quickly for this person, I loved them with my entire heart, I know for certain that they will always be a part of who I am, especially because they have effected my manorisms and speech patters in their time in my life. I can honestly say that I don't feel like I made any mistakes with them, I look back and wish I would have done some things now but I think they'd have been great but were not things to regret not doing. I have loved many before that person, I will likely love many after that person, but no one will ever be that person and I am not yet sure if I will be truly in-love again after them, I can only hope.
(Side note: this is the only one that I put on a specific number for a specific reason.)
#12
No matter what my life turns out to be, I know for certain that I want it to be something worth someone remembering. I want to be in someone's heart when I pass away. I want people to remember me for something nice I said or did, something life changing that I was apart of, I just don't want to be gone forever when I die, I want to live on in someone's memory for just a little while longer than I live on in this world.
#13
I have this saying and I think it's true...I am the girl your parents didn't warn you about, but they should not feel bad for not warning you about me because I try to be someone they truly hoped you would meet. I want to be the person parents love that their child has.
#14
I have fallen out of touch with a lot of people in my life, my plans to go home for school I think will be good for getting myself reacquainted with these people, I have numbers and addresses and I really think I'll try to put them to good use and see these people because they have really made me the person I am, they were best friends, first crushes, the family that isn't really related but they are just or more important.
#15
I am terrified of the future, I think I've started to figure some things out, like where I want to go to grad school, a decision that was really needing to be come up with pretty quickly, but I don't really have my life figured past that. I know I want to go somewhere that isn't home and do something amazing for people, I really think I'm going to pursue the corrections end of social work, it just feels right and I think it might be fun to do that in a big city. I just don't know where to go, I fear change so often and hate being all alone in new places so I don't know what to do. I'd like to move really far away but I think I'd be afraid to never see anyone again, and I am most afraid that I'll wind up staying home for the rest of my life, I mean get a place of my own but never branch out and do the things I've put into my head that I need to do for me.
#16
I don't like new places, they terrify me, I don't like being alone in the world and I've always felt like a small not even blimp on the radar. I am good at going places when I have just one or two people I know I can fall back on, sorta my fail safe so that I don't have to instantly start finding new people and figuring things out past just surviving. I am constantly told that I leave a great mark on all those who know me, or of me and in high school one of our star football players put me down as his senior crush, I didn't even know my name was known in those kinds of circles...
#17
I love quotes, I don't always remember them but I do love them. I could probably sit around and read them all day and not be bored. I get them sent to my phone and need to start putting them on my computer so that I can continue to receive text messages since they're clogging up my inbox far too much.
#18
I don't think I've really truly worked my ass off for anything in my life. This is not because I am lazy, I just haven't ever really wanted something outside of my ability to get with little or no work. My parents have always taken exceptionally good care of me and had the money to give me things like a college education, clothes on my back, food to eat, those wonderful things. I have never been one to be exceptionally materialistic, if I want it and I can't afford it I generally realize I don't really need it or I can have it later when I can afford it, I've saved a few times for stuff but I didn't have to bust my ass to get the savings together. I dunno maybe I need to expect more of and for myself but I just don't tend to see the point.
#19
I was one of those people who went to college knowing exactly what they wanted to do with their life, major already figured out and declared...and then I changed my mind. I don't know if I changed my mind because of the program here not being one that I was interested in being a part of or if it was truly about wanting to pursue something different than what I started with, I stayed fairly close to my original goals for a year and a half before I changed my mind. I know however now that regardless of what got me here I really think I'll be happy with what I am doing and would never have quite found my way to it in the original choice I came in with made up for myself. I have far more passion for this and will do a better job in the end I feel.
#20
I am a major flirt, I don't do it on purpose, I tend to not notice when I am doing it,and apparently even my shy tendencies come off as cute and flirty. More recently I've come to realize that I flirt in many ways common to boys and girls, and depending on whether or not I really like someone changes which I end up doing more...
#21
I define myself as monotheistic, this scares my father for reason I don't understand. This for me atleast simply means, I believe there is one higher being, for simplicity sake I tend to call this being God. I believe that this being has a hand in all that has and will happen in the life of everyone and everything everywhere. I am completely open to hearing what others thoughts are, but I hate when I am made to feel stupid because I can't quote you back the bible or tell you somewhere to find exactly why I have the feelings I do about things...my feelings about religion and my own religion have come from my own experiences, my own interactions and reactions to "my God", I have always had this understanding of God being like a best friend, someone who you can tell anything and everything and while it is said that they already know it all, I still stand by the idea of free-will so God does nothing about it until I have asked for something to be done, at least in matters that need be my choice.
#22
I do not know much of my life but two things I have always know is that I want to have a home of my own, with or without a spouse, though I'd love to have someone by my side through this crazy game of life. Also, I want to have children, adopted, birthed, fostered...however it works I want them and I want to make a very good impact on their lives.
#23
I read through other peoples lists of twenty five as I was writing mine to come up with ideas for what to write about myself because I don't tend to think about who I am and what that means very often so I hit a wall on coming up with my own ideas of what might be good to know about me.
#24
I constantly underestimate myself and get yelled at about it. I just don't think I am all that special and the things that people see about me to be special I feel like are things that everyone should have or do. Why is is soo great to get good grades, be kind to others, care about people who may or may not care about you, see someone having a hard time or bad day and actually want to do something to make their life better even if its just for a second to stop and make them smile...I dunno I guess I'm different than most in these regards.
#25
I rely on people far more than I should sometimes and I think that's a reason why they love me. As bad as it is I don't think I'll ever change that about myself, I am learning to be more independent and self reliant I just don't want to ever become completely capable of taking care of myself entirely without anyone else. I want to grow up to have a rock...I don't care what anyone else thinks of it, I want to have someone who keeps me rooted where I am and takes care of me whenever I need it, whether I want it or not.
( This is sorta like an extra one...this took me far longer than I expected it to, I put myself under the microscope and really thought about these so I really hope that you have read all of these and enjoyed them because I put myself on the line and really forced myself to think a lot while writing this.)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Relationship Needs...
I posted this somewhere else but I've decided to start funneling everything onto here so here it is...
In relationships safe and protected are at the top of my list of feelings I look for, for it to be a mutual feeling.
There is nothing I love more than to know
1.that person can make everything okay again, even when my world's been turned on its head, with just a hug or by hearing their voice.
2.that they can be my first call, because it just makes sense to want them to make it better, and that there is never a time that I cannot call, even if its just to say hi because I miss them, but especially when I need to be talked down from a bad dream or horrible event.
3.laying down together, wrapped up in each other's arms, the world disappears because nothing matters more than that moment, and feeling the safest possible in the whole world right there.
Without a doubt I wouldn't love it nearly as much if it wasn't something that it goes both ways.
In relationships safe and protected are at the top of my list of feelings I look for, for it to be a mutual feeling.
There is nothing I love more than to know
1.that person can make everything okay again, even when my world's been turned on its head, with just a hug or by hearing their voice.
2.that they can be my first call, because it just makes sense to want them to make it better, and that there is never a time that I cannot call, even if its just to say hi because I miss them, but especially when I need to be talked down from a bad dream or horrible event.
3.laying down together, wrapped up in each other's arms, the world disappears because nothing matters more than that moment, and feeling the safest possible in the whole world right there.
Without a doubt I wouldn't love it nearly as much if it wasn't something that it goes both ways.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Putting the Past Out There
I gave more than I had to give,
and you gave less than I need to live,
you took more than you knew you did,
but getting it back will cost more than I have to bid.
and you gave less than I need to live,
you took more than you knew you did,
but getting it back will cost more than I have to bid.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I hear
Bitter sweet rhythmic melodies
Promises made
Hearts left untamed!
---------------------------------------------------------------
I wander off to find that place in your mind;
Where love has never been lost,
Where hurt has never been the cost.
I wander off to find that place in your soul;
Where there is a rip you’ll let me mend,
Let me care for it, for you until the end.
I wander off to find that place in your heart;
Where you hide all that you hold dear,
I only wish to see your treasure have no fear.
We wander off to find that place in this world;
Where you and I can learn to trust,
Baby this is something we must.
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I'm flirting with danger and crushing on fantasies, but I want to fall in-love with reality.
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