I love the me I am with you, not because I need you to complete me or because I do not love myself alone.
I love the me that is part of us, because I think its the me I was meant to be and because I think this is the love I'm deserving of.
I love this me because I think who I was always meant to be was a me that had it in their heart to be a part of this us.
Showing posts with label queerdom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label queerdom. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I Love This Me
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Relationship Chatter...
Strange that this post wouldn't let me write it just days before it became irrelevant...
So I haven't been around much, been reading in and posting random stuff like things that are prompted but as far as the old relationshipy type stuff I used to post, its been a bit of a no go as of late...with that said I've got some relationshipy stuff going on and I need to blurt it all out in one place really quick and have it all aired!
So here it goes, there are several people involved in my latest relationship stuff...Dollface, Baby Boi and Chase.
Baby Boi and I have been friend for five years. When we first met I was dating someone and BB was infatuated with me. We spent several months being semi attached at the hip before he left the school we were both attending and became a little less attached to one another. We none the less held onto a pretty fair friendship for a good year or so. After which we became slightly more astaranged but still were very much so friends. During the course of relationships we had we grew further apart and especially based on a relationship I watched BB have with a friend I lost some of my respect and care for BB. We became pretty distanced but always cared enough that if something big was going on we checked in on each other. Fast forward to June when I was having a bit of an emotionally crazy life situation and caught a message he posted about wanting a cuddle buddy and responded with the fact that I could fill that position on a trip I'd be taking shortly to move to Minnesota by way of Milwaukee, where he lives. We decided to make that arrangment happen and in the process of plans being made ended talking about sex and our mutual lack of it recently, which made the purpose of the layover in Milwaukee cuddles and sex for us both. The whole plan was for this to be a chance for us both to get something we were in need of and no additional connection beyond the rekindling of the friendship. This however did not turn out that way.
While I was in Milwaukee we spent our time being gaggingly cute and anyone that saw the way we behaved would have undoubtably thought couple not friends. I spent several days more than I had planned there and in the process there seemed to be a beginning to something else, something bigger. I walked away from that trip calling him Baby Boi and making plans to do other things together, cry as I drove away. We've had four months now of whatever we're doing. In the begining things were great and I loved every minute of it. I wanted nothing more than to figure out how to get back perminantly and do the whole playing house thing together.
About two or three weeks into our we'll call it relationship to be simple the topic started of being open or poly. The discussion and decision to be was based in several things, one of them being the past experiences of each of us individually, and the other big one being the reappearance of Doll Face in both of our lives.
It seems about time to introduce Dollface now. I was saying she reappeared in both my life and Baby Boi's which means we've all got history. DF and I are also long time friends like BB and I. I have known DF for right around four years now. We were best friends for about six months or so, in whcih time her and BB we together. She is the freind I saw BB mistreat and lost respect for him over. She and I had our bout of what seemed like it could have become a relationship but at the time her and BB were together and due to them getting back together from a break up that never occured. She and I when we started talking again for the first time really explained this out to one another and had this realization that we both very much so wished to see what could possibly be of that. In talking to her the relationshp between BB and I came out and there was a period of her and I having long painful conversations. Eventually it was understood that if she could she would like a do over with each of us. There were ups and downs to this path but it eventually was come to.
There is now a triangular relationship of sorts occuring between the three of us. This realtionship is fairly current but the conversation behind it was discussed when she intially came into our lives again. As it currently stands there is within our grouping four relationships occuring symaltaneously. A relationship had on the paired level between each of us with the other along with our combined realtionshp all together as three people. This relationshp setting does not seem to cause issues for us, while BB has some jealousy issues they do not seem to be too terribly show with the grouping of us three, he wants all of my attention and affections but seems to have an easy enough time doing part with some to allow her to have some of it. At least this is the concept of things I have seen. The two of them both live in Milwaukee and seem to have really gotten into a swing of a solid friendship doing things together regularly and seeming to have a good time.
Learning to swallow my words, "feelings aren't about fair or equal" (sometimes its hard to take your own advice). Got to keep marching forward, getting hurt because you put it out there is better than getting hurt because you didn't know you could have had what you wanted until it was too late.
So I haven't been around much, been reading in and posting random stuff like things that are prompted but as far as the old relationshipy type stuff I used to post, its been a bit of a no go as of late...with that said I've got some relationshipy stuff going on and I need to blurt it all out in one place really quick and have it all aired!
So here it goes, there are several people involved in my latest relationship stuff...Dollface, Baby Boi and Chase.
Baby Boi and I have been friend for five years. When we first met I was dating someone and BB was infatuated with me. We spent several months being semi attached at the hip before he left the school we were both attending and became a little less attached to one another. We none the less held onto a pretty fair friendship for a good year or so. After which we became slightly more astaranged but still were very much so friends. During the course of relationships we had we grew further apart and especially based on a relationship I watched BB have with a friend I lost some of my respect and care for BB. We became pretty distanced but always cared enough that if something big was going on we checked in on each other. Fast forward to June when I was having a bit of an emotionally crazy life situation and caught a message he posted about wanting a cuddle buddy and responded with the fact that I could fill that position on a trip I'd be taking shortly to move to Minnesota by way of Milwaukee, where he lives. We decided to make that arrangment happen and in the process of plans being made ended talking about sex and our mutual lack of it recently, which made the purpose of the layover in Milwaukee cuddles and sex for us both. The whole plan was for this to be a chance for us both to get something we were in need of and no additional connection beyond the rekindling of the friendship. This however did not turn out that way.
While I was in Milwaukee we spent our time being gaggingly cute and anyone that saw the way we behaved would have undoubtably thought couple not friends. I spent several days more than I had planned there and in the process there seemed to be a beginning to something else, something bigger. I walked away from that trip calling him Baby Boi and making plans to do other things together, cry as I drove away. We've had four months now of whatever we're doing. In the begining things were great and I loved every minute of it. I wanted nothing more than to figure out how to get back perminantly and do the whole playing house thing together.
About two or three weeks into our we'll call it relationship to be simple the topic started of being open or poly. The discussion and decision to be was based in several things, one of them being the past experiences of each of us individually, and the other big one being the reappearance of Doll Face in both of our lives.
It seems about time to introduce Dollface now. I was saying she reappeared in both my life and Baby Boi's which means we've all got history. DF and I are also long time friends like BB and I. I have known DF for right around four years now. We were best friends for about six months or so, in whcih time her and BB we together. She is the freind I saw BB mistreat and lost respect for him over. She and I had our bout of what seemed like it could have become a relationship but at the time her and BB were together and due to them getting back together from a break up that never occured. She and I when we started talking again for the first time really explained this out to one another and had this realization that we both very much so wished to see what could possibly be of that. In talking to her the relationshp between BB and I came out and there was a period of her and I having long painful conversations. Eventually it was understood that if she could she would like a do over with each of us. There were ups and downs to this path but it eventually was come to.
There is now a triangular relationship of sorts occuring between the three of us. This realtionship is fairly current but the conversation behind it was discussed when she intially came into our lives again. As it currently stands there is within our grouping four relationships occuring symaltaneously. A relationship had on the paired level between each of us with the other along with our combined realtionshp all together as three people. This relationshp setting does not seem to cause issues for us, while BB has some jealousy issues they do not seem to be too terribly show with the grouping of us three, he wants all of my attention and affections but seems to have an easy enough time doing part with some to allow her to have some of it. At least this is the concept of things I have seen. The two of them both live in Milwaukee and seem to have really gotten into a swing of a solid friendship doing things together regularly and seeming to have a good time.
Learning to swallow my words, "feelings aren't about fair or equal" (sometimes its hard to take your own advice). Got to keep marching forward, getting hurt because you put it out there is better than getting hurt because you didn't know you could have had what you wanted until it was too late.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Just had an interesting and out of the blue realization. I have since childhood looked at the things my father did and wanted to be more like him, do things with him, envied my cousin for the time he spent with my dad, the things they did together. I always thought it was just being a daddy's girl and jealous of his time spent with anyone else, but maybe it was deeper than that. (Truth: I gagged a little on the use of the term daddy's girl in reference to myself. I was definitely a little girl back then but it still bites a bit.)
So here's the realization and its kinda short and I dunno I haven't really thought fully into it but I felt the need to put it down while it was freshly in my head as not to forget that I had it and recognized it as something of importance to my thoughts on how I got here. I wonder if it has taken as long as it has for me to openly see my genderqueer self and fully feel the feelings of discomfort because of the birth control I was on for nearly ten years. When you have visual cues of masculinely identified traits they give you this to "correct" it. I just wonder if though that was not the intended purpose of my use that side effect produced itself. Maybe I would have wound up shaped, voiced, etc differently if I hadn't had so many issues with hormone levels. The fact that hormone level increase corrected my issue says to me that I didn't have enough of them and maybe life would be different if I hadn't popped a pill to "fix" that.
Ok, maybe they are totally unrelated and nothing would be different except I would have suffered more for the things that plagued me in those ten years. Maybe I'm just finally at a place with myself and the world where I don't care if people think I am different or strange, where I know there are safety nets and support systems that are available if I really need them. As much as I know that maybe its about the nurture sense right now...something inside churns from wondering if maybe there's some nature at play here too. Maybe there is both.
Its days like today, days I don't have often but they tend to plant themselves within my coming out processes that I think, I really wish I had not been so sheltered, I wish I had been allowed to see the people who are the "other" in our society. I grew up in Detroit and I can tell you a lot about families that were roughing it and kids that were only eating lunch because they couldn't afford to eat at home. I can tell you about the fact that it took me a long time to realize that my friends that had darker skin didn't simply tan better. I had a good deal of things that were open to me, but I think they were out of simply being there not anyone who was nurturing me wishing them into existence.
I however didn't know anything about being gay or it being a possible lifestyle, yeah that's what we'll call it, until my cousin came out and it was so shamefully discussed with me that I didn't ask what it was or think about it as a option for me. Even though I had already done homosexual things by that time, not that anyone outside of the person I had done them with knew. It took me stumbling upon a GSA in high school to really get any word on what it was, what it meant and be told, that while the bible says its so wrong which I don't even know that I had heard that argument yet, its just about who we love and its just as natural as being heterosexual.
As for trans, genderqueer, differently gendered etc, that took til high school too. I was introduced to the idea while I was in my senior year of high school and it spoke to me but I wasn't really sure how to get on board. I had been so heavily cultured into my femaleness that getting outside of that box was strange. I loved and appreciate the people I saw taking steps outside of the box of the sex they were born to, but felt behind, unaware, silly to try to open up the possibilities for myself, I told myself I was a girl, I liked girly things and just needed to stop trying to get on board with something I thought was a trendy thing. I thought it was just something new and different and forced myself not to think too much about it. Really I held myself back, how stupid was I? More afraid, I was just starting to come out as not straight and that was charging high enough tolls as it was.
Now though, now I'm starting to think through it more and realize that there is more to it, its not trendy and its not cool but its right for me. This box that was so neatly constructed for me to fit all of my femininity into is getting crowded because while others have been helping me pack a girl into here there's been someone else growing within me and there are just too many likes, dislikes, stories, loves, hurts, pains, traits and what-nots to fit into this place!
There is the part of me that takes comfort in being dad's babydoll and even on occasions mom's princess. There are parts of me that speak and swoon and giggle and talk about things in ways that fully keep up with the girls. The part of me that loves that I was in a sorority and loves my sisters. The part of me that even though I very very very rarely wear that insists that those dresses stay in the closet because she might need them, oh and those heels and tights and push up bras and all that other stuff she's collected for looking sexy lol.
At the same time and often in the same breath there is the part of me that takes comfort in being a significant other's baby boi, boifriend, teddy bare, that cringes at the thought of being someone's girlfriend and would much rather hear someone say he's mine. There is a part of me that speaks and laughs and tackles and punches and talks about things in ways that fully keep up with the boys. That belches and rates them, chugs a beer and thinks man-caves are the greatest shit ever. The part of me that loves my sisters but doesn't feel so comfortable with the sorority part because it lets people know I'm an F. The part of me that pushes those dresses into the back most corner of the closet and wears slacks and a dress shirt and tie, that loves the dark wash denim and dressing it up to look dapper as all get out whenever there's a good reason. Who cuts their hair short and keeps it groomed well, rocks the backwards ball cap and has an obsession with hats that is recently being kept in its place but new hats still find their way in on occasions. The part of me that thinks bras are ridiculous and painful and while binding is a bitch at times its way more comfortable most of the time...though if a sports bra could do the trick it'd be welcome to join daily use, but any way I can hide as much of my chest's fullness as possible is where I'm going to place my loyalties.
At this point I've lost track of where I was going with this so I'm gonna just stop. But its been nice to put this stuff into words and I guess I hope someone is actually reading and thinking and will say something to me about this, though harsh words can be kept to one's self.
So here's the realization and its kinda short and I dunno I haven't really thought fully into it but I felt the need to put it down while it was freshly in my head as not to forget that I had it and recognized it as something of importance to my thoughts on how I got here. I wonder if it has taken as long as it has for me to openly see my genderqueer self and fully feel the feelings of discomfort because of the birth control I was on for nearly ten years. When you have visual cues of masculinely identified traits they give you this to "correct" it. I just wonder if though that was not the intended purpose of my use that side effect produced itself. Maybe I would have wound up shaped, voiced, etc differently if I hadn't had so many issues with hormone levels. The fact that hormone level increase corrected my issue says to me that I didn't have enough of them and maybe life would be different if I hadn't popped a pill to "fix" that.
Ok, maybe they are totally unrelated and nothing would be different except I would have suffered more for the things that plagued me in those ten years. Maybe I'm just finally at a place with myself and the world where I don't care if people think I am different or strange, where I know there are safety nets and support systems that are available if I really need them. As much as I know that maybe its about the nurture sense right now...something inside churns from wondering if maybe there's some nature at play here too. Maybe there is both.
Its days like today, days I don't have often but they tend to plant themselves within my coming out processes that I think, I really wish I had not been so sheltered, I wish I had been allowed to see the people who are the "other" in our society. I grew up in Detroit and I can tell you a lot about families that were roughing it and kids that were only eating lunch because they couldn't afford to eat at home. I can tell you about the fact that it took me a long time to realize that my friends that had darker skin didn't simply tan better. I had a good deal of things that were open to me, but I think they were out of simply being there not anyone who was nurturing me wishing them into existence.
I however didn't know anything about being gay or it being a possible lifestyle, yeah that's what we'll call it, until my cousin came out and it was so shamefully discussed with me that I didn't ask what it was or think about it as a option for me. Even though I had already done homosexual things by that time, not that anyone outside of the person I had done them with knew. It took me stumbling upon a GSA in high school to really get any word on what it was, what it meant and be told, that while the bible says its so wrong which I don't even know that I had heard that argument yet, its just about who we love and its just as natural as being heterosexual.
As for trans, genderqueer, differently gendered etc, that took til high school too. I was introduced to the idea while I was in my senior year of high school and it spoke to me but I wasn't really sure how to get on board. I had been so heavily cultured into my femaleness that getting outside of that box was strange. I loved and appreciate the people I saw taking steps outside of the box of the sex they were born to, but felt behind, unaware, silly to try to open up the possibilities for myself, I told myself I was a girl, I liked girly things and just needed to stop trying to get on board with something I thought was a trendy thing. I thought it was just something new and different and forced myself not to think too much about it. Really I held myself back, how stupid was I? More afraid, I was just starting to come out as not straight and that was charging high enough tolls as it was.
Now though, now I'm starting to think through it more and realize that there is more to it, its not trendy and its not cool but its right for me. This box that was so neatly constructed for me to fit all of my femininity into is getting crowded because while others have been helping me pack a girl into here there's been someone else growing within me and there are just too many likes, dislikes, stories, loves, hurts, pains, traits and what-nots to fit into this place!
There is the part of me that takes comfort in being dad's babydoll and even on occasions mom's princess. There are parts of me that speak and swoon and giggle and talk about things in ways that fully keep up with the girls. The part of me that loves that I was in a sorority and loves my sisters. The part of me that even though I very very very rarely wear that insists that those dresses stay in the closet because she might need them, oh and those heels and tights and push up bras and all that other stuff she's collected for looking sexy lol.
At the same time and often in the same breath there is the part of me that takes comfort in being a significant other's baby boi, boifriend, teddy bare, that cringes at the thought of being someone's girlfriend and would much rather hear someone say he's mine. There is a part of me that speaks and laughs and tackles and punches and talks about things in ways that fully keep up with the boys. That belches and rates them, chugs a beer and thinks man-caves are the greatest shit ever. The part of me that loves my sisters but doesn't feel so comfortable with the sorority part because it lets people know I'm an F. The part of me that pushes those dresses into the back most corner of the closet and wears slacks and a dress shirt and tie, that loves the dark wash denim and dressing it up to look dapper as all get out whenever there's a good reason. Who cuts their hair short and keeps it groomed well, rocks the backwards ball cap and has an obsession with hats that is recently being kept in its place but new hats still find their way in on occasions. The part of me that thinks bras are ridiculous and painful and while binding is a bitch at times its way more comfortable most of the time...though if a sports bra could do the trick it'd be welcome to join daily use, but any way I can hide as much of my chest's fullness as possible is where I'm going to place my loyalties.
At this point I've lost track of where I was going with this so I'm gonna just stop. But its been nice to put this stuff into words and I guess I hope someone is actually reading and thinking and will say something to me about this, though harsh words can be kept to one's self.
Monday, September 26, 2011
butch grammar
I wrote this to submit to Butch 360 but missed the deadline, however wanted to still post so here it goes....
What pronouns/nouns/adjectives do you prefer others to use when talking to or about you? In comparison, are there any that you just can’t stand?
I have for awhile now not liked the use of pronouns at all, since they all connect to a specific gender/sex and I don't really care for that or fully identify with either. I've noticed I'm often less offended by male pronouns, but still resent the assumptions they imply. When any pronouns are used I tend to stick to non-gendered like they/their. While I've been ridiculed about the plural sounding choice, I still prefer them.
Being called someone's girlfriend is also something that pushes a few strange buttons in me, it feels alienating. I tend to stick to more neutral terms like partner or significant other, though boifriend is a fun play on normative relationship titles.
I also find that the person who uses the pronouns/nouns effects how I feel about their use. When it comes to my family for the most part I just smile and nod along with their use of extremely feminine verbage in reference to me, they saw me through the daddy's little girl, pretty princess, ballerina days. But when it comes to friends I have a bigger issue, especially those who declare themselves with in the LGBTQA community. When it comes to professional settings I tend to again smile and nod and put up with choices, though I am working on becoming more comfortable with coming out as not so comfortable with the feminine labels.
One of the biggest things that I am working on as far as words used in the discussion of me is the use of my legal name, its been about five years now that I have introduced myself in social settings by a name other than my given name(bare) and while I know some of my friends have been using that name others have not. I understand that there are people who have used my legal name in reference to me since we met, their making an attempt to not use it would be very much so appreciated and I'm having issues convincing some people to respect that request. I have very recently come up with a new nickname(JC), one that feels appropriate for me to use in both professional and social settings and have hopes that this name will find itself sticking better than the previous. I find this nickname as gender neutral as I seek to have in a name I am regularly regarded by and not quite as much of an eyebrow raiser.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
i'm rambling again...
It however seems to be the only way I figure things out...seems like no one is reading any more so I guess this might as well be dear diary entries any more but it is what it is...
How do you collect your thoughts well enough to fully share what you are thinking and feeling with someone else?!
I know just barely enough to not lose my mind over the inner turmoil and craziness that ensues over you. Upon my recognition that I do indeed care for you at all. At the realization that I not only care for you but beyond that, I care greatly for you.
How do I share that I care for you to the point of some may say fault?!
To tell you "I love you", the full statement, in every connotation you may derive. to be sure I am ready to care that much, much less have you know that I do, that I am ready for me to know that I do. convincing myself has been hard, convincing others seems to be the only way I have come around to it, having to defend why I think its a good idea to think about much less do has made me understand that I apparently really do. I know that I needed to be sure to convince myself fully to say it with all that must be behind it to give you what you deserve. You deserve me to know that I fully mean and feel all that is in that statement, to feel and mean it with every fiber of my being and beat of my heart, breath that I breath and longing of my soul.
I feel ready to say I need, you. I feel comfortable and confident in needing you. I love that I need you, this time I have chosen it, not been deluded or deceived into it. I am however frightened that I need you, to need anyone is scary. However, I really do feel like I need you for the right reasons, I need you because I have chosen to need you, because I need you due to wanting you so badly, fully, truly. The need for you is not based in your ability to twist and turn my reality into believing that I need you. I do not think like I have in the past, I do not believe that I will cease to have you and thus cease to live if you pass out of my life. I understand that without you I would cease to live the life we have begun to create together, the elements of my life that I have come to have because of my connection to you. I would miss you and not enjoy things that have become important to me because of you or important to us as a unit. Those things that have tied my world together around you would not be the same ever again, might even be things to pass out of my life, despite my connection to them. Despite this I am certain that I would survive.
It sounds harsh to say I would survive without you, but its freeing for me. It sounds like something that should make your heart drop, you are not important to me, not even as much as people in my past. This is however not what I am saying. This concept that I could live without you, sure it sounds harsh but it means to me that I've chosen not to rather than feeling as though I cannot. This is a great feeling for me, an empowering feeling. It all means to me that I have chosen this, rather than being falsely brought to believe. It all means that I choose to keep you, all because I wish to, want to, like to; not because I am too afraid to let go, too afraid to cease to exist, unable to let go.
Thank you for being this for me!
How do you collect your thoughts well enough to fully share what you are thinking and feeling with someone else?!
I know just barely enough to not lose my mind over the inner turmoil and craziness that ensues over you. Upon my recognition that I do indeed care for you at all. At the realization that I not only care for you but beyond that, I care greatly for you.
How do I share that I care for you to the point of some may say fault?!
To tell you "I love you", the full statement, in every connotation you may derive. to be sure I am ready to care that much, much less have you know that I do, that I am ready for me to know that I do. convincing myself has been hard, convincing others seems to be the only way I have come around to it, having to defend why I think its a good idea to think about much less do has made me understand that I apparently really do. I know that I needed to be sure to convince myself fully to say it with all that must be behind it to give you what you deserve. You deserve me to know that I fully mean and feel all that is in that statement, to feel and mean it with every fiber of my being and beat of my heart, breath that I breath and longing of my soul.
I feel ready to say I need, you. I feel comfortable and confident in needing you. I love that I need you, this time I have chosen it, not been deluded or deceived into it. I am however frightened that I need you, to need anyone is scary. However, I really do feel like I need you for the right reasons, I need you because I have chosen to need you, because I need you due to wanting you so badly, fully, truly. The need for you is not based in your ability to twist and turn my reality into believing that I need you. I do not think like I have in the past, I do not believe that I will cease to have you and thus cease to live if you pass out of my life. I understand that without you I would cease to live the life we have begun to create together, the elements of my life that I have come to have because of my connection to you. I would miss you and not enjoy things that have become important to me because of you or important to us as a unit. Those things that have tied my world together around you would not be the same ever again, might even be things to pass out of my life, despite my connection to them. Despite this I am certain that I would survive.
It sounds harsh to say I would survive without you, but its freeing for me. It sounds like something that should make your heart drop, you are not important to me, not even as much as people in my past. This is however not what I am saying. This concept that I could live without you, sure it sounds harsh but it means to me that I've chosen not to rather than feeling as though I cannot. This is a great feeling for me, an empowering feeling. It all means to me that I have chosen this, rather than being falsely brought to believe. It all means that I choose to keep you, all because I wish to, want to, like to; not because I am too afraid to let go, too afraid to cease to exist, unable to let go.
Thank you for being this for me!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
One Month...
...believe me I won't stop at nothin' to see you, so I've started runnin'.
all that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughin' with you.
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after, after the life we've been through...
...what about now?
what about today?
what if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
what if...
baby before its too late...
...if you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
I don't understand, if I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
I don't know life so far away, but I know that its just a trip, we'll make it through...
I hope I love you all my life...
'cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right...
all that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughin' with you.
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after, after the life we've been through...
...what about now?
what about today?
what if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
what if...
baby before its too late...
...if you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
I don't understand, if I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
I don't know life so far away, but I know that its just a trip, we'll make it through...
I hope I love you all my life...
'cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right...
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Valentine's Day
This year I celebrated my first ever Valentine's Day. I know I'm posting this days late, but I feel the need to share a bit of it due to the fact that it is the only I've ever had.
Days in advance I started planning for what I wanted to be the greatest job I could possibly do. Decided I was going to make baby lots and lots of yummy things. I was going to make her a lovely breakfast and delicious dinner, and it was all going to be a surprise to her. I did both of these but not quite the way that I planned them, baby ended up helping me make everything and knew exactly what was to be made Monday by Sunday night...when she went shopping with me. I luckily have a pretty great boi because this went off without a hitch and baby even picked up making salad and dessert to help me out with getting everything done. This all seemed to me just a pain in the butt, but we realized Tuesday morning, I'm getting sick...which means you guessed it I gave baby sickness for Valentine's Day too.
I also got baby a last minute you have to have a actual presentable gift. I got her starburst...as I found out Sunday she loves them...and a card, it was sooo cute! I read the card I got her and I couldn't help but think this is totally our card!
Breakfast--heart shaped pancakes, strawberries, pineapples, and Sunny-D cocktail. Baby made the pancakes, she rocks....free handed hearts!
Dinner--sun dried tomato and cheese stuffed shells with Alfredo sauce, salad and Smirnoff Ice. Baby had the great idea of the drinks, and with grenadine to make it pink.
Dessert--Strawberry sorbet, warm fudge brownie and fresh strawberries.
Ok, so that's the stuff I did for baby, that I ended up getting lots of her help on...I'm feeling spoiled.
As for what baby did...she got me a Build-A-Bear...well really he's a dog. She under stuffed him so that he'd be extra cuddly...and I named him in my ever silly naming fashion. Our little boi is Cappie O'Ryaleigh...because baby is a Capricorn and works at O'Rielly's. We're going to go get him a collar and name tag today...she wanted to do these things on Valentine's Day but couldn't find anything that she liked. Also, as of Tuesday I have learned that the cutest thing about Cappie-O is the fact that baby put the "I Love You" heart in him.
For how short a time we've been together that frighten and excites me. I think it means good things that I'm excited at it...I mean really how can it not be good to be excited. As far as the fear, I don't attribute it to a I'm scared you can feel that, but that I wont be worthy of being loved. This fear of not being worth of other's love is something very common for me...but I'm I guess used to being the first to decide I love the other person so its easier to accept their love because I hope for love in return.
Days in advance I started planning for what I wanted to be the greatest job I could possibly do. Decided I was going to make baby lots and lots of yummy things. I was going to make her a lovely breakfast and delicious dinner, and it was all going to be a surprise to her. I did both of these but not quite the way that I planned them, baby ended up helping me make everything and knew exactly what was to be made Monday by Sunday night...when she went shopping with me. I luckily have a pretty great boi because this went off without a hitch and baby even picked up making salad and dessert to help me out with getting everything done. This all seemed to me just a pain in the butt, but we realized Tuesday morning, I'm getting sick...which means you guessed it I gave baby sickness for Valentine's Day too.
I also got baby a last minute you have to have a actual presentable gift. I got her starburst...as I found out Sunday she loves them...and a card, it was sooo cute! I read the card I got her and I couldn't help but think this is totally our card!
Breakfast--heart shaped pancakes, strawberries, pineapples, and Sunny-D cocktail. Baby made the pancakes, she rocks....free handed hearts!
Dinner--sun dried tomato and cheese stuffed shells with Alfredo sauce, salad and Smirnoff Ice. Baby had the great idea of the drinks, and with grenadine to make it pink.
Dessert--Strawberry sorbet, warm fudge brownie and fresh strawberries.
Ok, so that's the stuff I did for baby, that I ended up getting lots of her help on...I'm feeling spoiled.
As for what baby did...she got me a Build-A-Bear...well really he's a dog. She under stuffed him so that he'd be extra cuddly...and I named him in my ever silly naming fashion. Our little boi is Cappie O'Ryaleigh...because baby is a Capricorn and works at O'Rielly's. We're going to go get him a collar and name tag today...she wanted to do these things on Valentine's Day but couldn't find anything that she liked. Also, as of Tuesday I have learned that the cutest thing about Cappie-O is the fact that baby put the "I Love You" heart in him.
For how short a time we've been together that frighten and excites me. I think it means good things that I'm excited at it...I mean really how can it not be good to be excited. As far as the fear, I don't attribute it to a I'm scared you can feel that, but that I wont be worthy of being loved. This fear of not being worth of other's love is something very common for me...but I'm I guess used to being the first to decide I love the other person so its easier to accept their love because I hope for love in return.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
cliches...running through my head
There are these cliche little things that run through my head whenever someone new comes around, whenever a turning point in a relationship happens, whenever I start to doubt or feel too comfortable, they race through at unsurmountable speeds. Somehow I always think them and on regular occasion find myself realizing that I've waited too long to second check a realtionship on these points, or once its over I've been making excuses why its okay just this once, anything to not let go. I find myself again checking someone on this list of things. This time around I'm finding myself happily suprised by the results...but still sure that I need to be more careful than I am being...
take a look around and be sure before you make your decisions...
I try to look around but I'm noticing myself putting on the blinders
jump in feet first if you're going to take a leap at all...
I am definitely going feet first...but I feel my heart migraiting, so maybe I wont bump my head and wake up in six months terribly unhappy but my heart will still be broken if I do find myself losing this one
slow and steady if it's meant to be it'll stand the test of time...
It feels steady, but nothing about this is going slowly. This I find a bit suprising to realize since we talked about both of us wanting to take it slowly and we've still managed to ignore our own decisions, because it just feels right, which is always a good reason but still a detour from the plans.
make sure you're head says go before you let your heart decide...
There is definitely a level of my head being the major factor going right now, but there are just some statements and actions that can't be kept from causing a reaction in one's heart. Seriously she makes me feel warm and fuzzy sometimes and I like that feeling all too well.
absense makes the heart grow fonder...
Boo...seriously I don't want absense...I know its good to have personal time and alla that but I don't like the waiting between seeing one another, there's something so comfortable about being together that I can't seem to not want to be there whenever it is possible!
don't make someone a priority, who makes you only an option...
Now this I've got the lock on, there is no way I will let myself take this trap again. Infact this is the reason we've even started talking, I walked away from the last person who made me feel this way and happened upon this new and amazing person. I've officially deemed her my upgrade. lol
take a look around and be sure before you make your decisions...
I try to look around but I'm noticing myself putting on the blinders
jump in feet first if you're going to take a leap at all...
I am definitely going feet first...but I feel my heart migraiting, so maybe I wont bump my head and wake up in six months terribly unhappy but my heart will still be broken if I do find myself losing this one
slow and steady if it's meant to be it'll stand the test of time...
It feels steady, but nothing about this is going slowly. This I find a bit suprising to realize since we talked about both of us wanting to take it slowly and we've still managed to ignore our own decisions, because it just feels right, which is always a good reason but still a detour from the plans.
make sure you're head says go before you let your heart decide...
There is definitely a level of my head being the major factor going right now, but there are just some statements and actions that can't be kept from causing a reaction in one's heart. Seriously she makes me feel warm and fuzzy sometimes and I like that feeling all too well.
absense makes the heart grow fonder...
Boo...seriously I don't want absense...I know its good to have personal time and alla that but I don't like the waiting between seeing one another, there's something so comfortable about being together that I can't seem to not want to be there whenever it is possible!
don't make someone a priority, who makes you only an option...
Now this I've got the lock on, there is no way I will let myself take this trap again. Infact this is the reason we've even started talking, I walked away from the last person who made me feel this way and happened upon this new and amazing person. I've officially deemed her my upgrade. lol
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
we're writting a story...weave me a web baby
There were once a pair of lovers, two lovely bois, trapped in an apartment that one had just moved into. All the areas of the apartment so new and shiny looking as neither had really become accustom to it yet, still filled with that smell of cleanness. All the furniture, not yet truly used. They found themselves trapped here due to a snow storm raging just on the other side of the windows.
As they stay trapped inside this apartment together they watch as the flurries flash by and live by the light of candles in the night. The apartment so cold that they spend most of their time curled up in bed under many covers. One pointing out that her father had once said you stay warmer if you remove the barriers between yourself and the warmth of the covers, so they choose sleeping together naked and sharing body heat. They pass away their time trapped here talking about just about anything, everything and nothing quite honestly. They find themselves fading in and out of sleep together quite harmoniously. One waking up slowly to the others breaking deeply and slowly, softly running finger tips lightly over skin. The other beginning to wake as the pressure of her lovers body grows against her back. The first's hips begin to rock and the second falls into sink, they rock they're hips together. The first moves her hand over her lover's hip holding them together and keeping the slow calm rhythm.
Once the rhythm of their bodies is set the first begins to run her hand along the other's side, tracing patterns down it. Gently bringing her lover to wakefulness, waiting for that single movement or sound that will illustrate she has roused her fully. That response that means I am completely awake and entirely craving you. This sign comes and the first wraps her arms around the other, one under the pillow and the other over top around the chest pulling her lover in close. Slowly kissing along the neck, increasing intensity moving to bite along the neck and shoulder. Then nuzzling into the neck as she begins to slide a hand down the lovers body along the leg. Now, running that hand inward, slowing brushing finger tips over her lover and feeling a slight wetness as she teases her lover, and the feeling of inhaling deeply says more than words, this is working.
The other laying in this place of barely wakefulness as the nuzzling begins, feels breaths gently grazing over her neck and shoulders and begins to push back against her lover. She feels her lovers hand sliding along her leg and begins to pray that it will move in further, and it does. The thought crosses her mind, oh god she must be able to read my mind. Eyes roll back slightly as her lover's hand grazes over her hip and continues downward. She begins to feel her body begging as she is teased by her lover's hand, inhaling deeply to maintanin any control. Feeling the moans stiffled in her throat becoming harder and harder to hold in.
The first backs away slowly, slightly tugging on her lover until she turn to face her. Softly kisses her lover, with one arm still under her head and the other lazily play with the hair on back of her neck. Moving the hand away to begin slowly working its way back down her lover's body. Beginning to kiss deeper and slides hand between her legs, lifting one and laying it acroos hers. Sliding the hand back along the lovers inner thigh and running a finger tip lightly along the clit. Kissing deeper yet as they slide the finger into their lover.
The second, feels her lovers body move away and a hand pulling against her hip ever so gently, rolls into the pull. Wrapping her arm around her lover as thier lips meet in the first kiss. Running fingers along the small of her lovers back as the hair at the nape of her neck is played with. Cooing gently between kisses at the sparks felt through each touching down of finger tips. Feeling the intensity of kisses grow and her lovers hand begin to move, pulling her hand up to graps onto her lover's face and intensify their kisses further. Feeling her lovers hand run along her leg and every feeling receptor stand on end, giving in to her lovers moving her body to take it. Letting her leg be moved over her lovers and shivering slightly as her lover's hand moves long her inner thigh. Moaning gently into her lovers kiss as they slide their finger tip over her clit. Gasping for air and pulling away from their kiss slightly as she feels her lovers fingers slide into her. Quickly shoving their lips back together and rocking into her lovers hand. Pulling her lovers hips in closer and opening herself up further to her lover.
As they stay trapped inside this apartment together they watch as the flurries flash by and live by the light of candles in the night. The apartment so cold that they spend most of their time curled up in bed under many covers. One pointing out that her father had once said you stay warmer if you remove the barriers between yourself and the warmth of the covers, so they choose sleeping together naked and sharing body heat. They pass away their time trapped here talking about just about anything, everything and nothing quite honestly. They find themselves fading in and out of sleep together quite harmoniously. One waking up slowly to the others breaking deeply and slowly, softly running finger tips lightly over skin. The other beginning to wake as the pressure of her lovers body grows against her back. The first's hips begin to rock and the second falls into sink, they rock they're hips together. The first moves her hand over her lover's hip holding them together and keeping the slow calm rhythm.
Once the rhythm of their bodies is set the first begins to run her hand along the other's side, tracing patterns down it. Gently bringing her lover to wakefulness, waiting for that single movement or sound that will illustrate she has roused her fully. That response that means I am completely awake and entirely craving you. This sign comes and the first wraps her arms around the other, one under the pillow and the other over top around the chest pulling her lover in close. Slowly kissing along the neck, increasing intensity moving to bite along the neck and shoulder. Then nuzzling into the neck as she begins to slide a hand down the lovers body along the leg. Now, running that hand inward, slowing brushing finger tips over her lover and feeling a slight wetness as she teases her lover, and the feeling of inhaling deeply says more than words, this is working.
The other laying in this place of barely wakefulness as the nuzzling begins, feels breaths gently grazing over her neck and shoulders and begins to push back against her lover. She feels her lovers hand sliding along her leg and begins to pray that it will move in further, and it does. The thought crosses her mind, oh god she must be able to read my mind. Eyes roll back slightly as her lover's hand grazes over her hip and continues downward. She begins to feel her body begging as she is teased by her lover's hand, inhaling deeply to maintanin any control. Feeling the moans stiffled in her throat becoming harder and harder to hold in.
The first backs away slowly, slightly tugging on her lover until she turn to face her. Softly kisses her lover, with one arm still under her head and the other lazily play with the hair on back of her neck. Moving the hand away to begin slowly working its way back down her lover's body. Beginning to kiss deeper and slides hand between her legs, lifting one and laying it acroos hers. Sliding the hand back along the lovers inner thigh and running a finger tip lightly along the clit. Kissing deeper yet as they slide the finger into their lover.
The second, feels her lovers body move away and a hand pulling against her hip ever so gently, rolls into the pull. Wrapping her arm around her lover as thier lips meet in the first kiss. Running fingers along the small of her lovers back as the hair at the nape of her neck is played with. Cooing gently between kisses at the sparks felt through each touching down of finger tips. Feeling the intensity of kisses grow and her lovers hand begin to move, pulling her hand up to graps onto her lover's face and intensify their kisses further. Feeling her lovers hand run along her leg and every feeling receptor stand on end, giving in to her lovers moving her body to take it. Letting her leg be moved over her lovers and shivering slightly as her lover's hand moves long her inner thigh. Moaning gently into her lovers kiss as they slide their finger tip over her clit. Gasping for air and pulling away from their kiss slightly as she feels her lovers fingers slide into her. Quickly shoving their lips back together and rocking into her lovers hand. Pulling her lovers hips in closer and opening herself up further to her lover.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I can't figure out how to even begin to talk about this, this is something entirely new to my world, I don't think I have the words in my vocabulary. I have a pretty great vocabulary, in the arena of discussing relationships I almost never have a lose for words . When it comes to figuring out how to express how I feel, how others feel, the ins and outs of how or why I've pretty much got no shortcomings what-so-ever. I may take issue to expressing my feelings, espeically when they feel bigger than life, directly to the face of the one they're towards but I've still always got the words to process out somewhere. In this case I find myself using cliches and idiocycratic catch phrases. I have never felt so entirely goofy happy or stupid for someone or purely me with someone, especially not this quickly. We talk about the most awkward of topics but they just kinda roll of our tongues as if we're talking about the weather.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
If I Could Just Kiss the Girl I Am Pretty Sure I Would Like It!!!
I don't even know where to begin...
I've been seeing someone for about two weeks now, we've had one official date but we've also seen each other nearly every day. On our first date she was super nervous about hugging me when it was over, she divulged this through a text message once I had gotten home. I went and got as best a hug as was appropriate from her at work the next day.
Since then when we see each other its usually lunch before I give her a ride to work, and when she gets out of the car she always initiates a hug. We have done more than the quick meal once, which was an entire day spent together, or damn near to. We went to a movie with my cousin whom I teenagersit, then slept in our respective homes until we went to breakfast the next morning and then hung out at the mall followed by a trip to Ann Arbor, nothing super significant happened but there was a sense of really seeing into each other's world simply by the amount of time spent together.
So the moral of all of this story is I really really like her and I don't know how to, I guess you could call it, take the next step. I've had a desire on some level to kiss her since the first picture message she sent me roughly a month ago, sometimes you just look at a person and wonder what it would be like. Now a month, a date and two weeks of hanging out I still want to, and everyone I am close to who has heard this story already is giving me shit about not just doing it. IT IS SOOO NOT JUST THAT EASY!!!!! I am terrified that the reason there has not been a second official date is that we're in friends zone, that she'll freak out and not be able to be my friend if I do try to kiss her, and I'll be totally freaked out if I get rejected(I'm pretty phobic!).
So I have been googling all morning trying to figure out how one makes themself exude the kiss me vibes and how one goes for a first kiss, I'll go with gracefully. The search has come up with some pretty funny finds but not so much useful stuff, mostly because its all stuff I feel like I'm already doing or it just sounds way simpler in their words than it would be in real time.
Here is where I say anyone reading this advice please!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
the gem of my searching lol
I've been seeing someone for about two weeks now, we've had one official date but we've also seen each other nearly every day. On our first date she was super nervous about hugging me when it was over, she divulged this through a text message once I had gotten home. I went and got as best a hug as was appropriate from her at work the next day.
Since then when we see each other its usually lunch before I give her a ride to work, and when she gets out of the car she always initiates a hug. We have done more than the quick meal once, which was an entire day spent together, or damn near to. We went to a movie with my cousin whom I teenagersit, then slept in our respective homes until we went to breakfast the next morning and then hung out at the mall followed by a trip to Ann Arbor, nothing super significant happened but there was a sense of really seeing into each other's world simply by the amount of time spent together.
So the moral of all of this story is I really really like her and I don't know how to, I guess you could call it, take the next step. I've had a desire on some level to kiss her since the first picture message she sent me roughly a month ago, sometimes you just look at a person and wonder what it would be like. Now a month, a date and two weeks of hanging out I still want to, and everyone I am close to who has heard this story already is giving me shit about not just doing it. IT IS SOOO NOT JUST THAT EASY!!!!! I am terrified that the reason there has not been a second official date is that we're in friends zone, that she'll freak out and not be able to be my friend if I do try to kiss her, and I'll be totally freaked out if I get rejected(I'm pretty phobic!).
So I have been googling all morning trying to figure out how one makes themself exude the kiss me vibes and how one goes for a first kiss, I'll go with gracefully. The search has come up with some pretty funny finds but not so much useful stuff, mostly because its all stuff I feel like I'm already doing or it just sounds way simpler in their words than it would be in real time.
Here is where I say anyone reading this advice please!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
the gem of my searching lol
Monday, January 10, 2011
left to my own devices i'm addicted its a crisis!
These lyrics seem to sum up what's going on right about now...
Caught me by surprise.
All I did was to sit right down,
Stare into your eyes.
Just a fool for you baby.
And I'll be your fool tonight.
Well I've been down this crazy road,
But not like this before.
Had the blues when I heard the news,
But I'm not worried no more.
-38 Special
Caught me by surprise.
All I did was to sit right down,
Stare into your eyes.
Just a fool for you baby.
And I'll be your fool tonight.
Well I've been down this crazy road,
But not like this before.
Had the blues when I heard the news,
But I'm not worried no more.
-38 Special
Sunday, January 9, 2011
...inexperienced at giving up...
That I am,
but dealing with women...
now that can be a way to teach me,
and pretty damn quick!
I don't know how to deal,
with this whirling,
swirling,
too damn much,
craziness!
I am so close...
to saying I quit,
and meaning it,
maybe its not a bad plan.
I dunno just not ok,
not ok with questioning,
I wonder if I'm saying,
I wonder if I'm doing,
I wonder if I'm acting,
the wrong way,
constantly!
but dealing with women...
now that can be a way to teach me,
and pretty damn quick!
I don't know how to deal,
with this whirling,
swirling,
too damn much,
craziness!
I am so close...
to saying I quit,
and meaning it,
maybe its not a bad plan.
I dunno just not ok,
not ok with questioning,
I wonder if I'm saying,
I wonder if I'm doing,
I wonder if I'm acting,
the wrong way,
constantly!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Lyrical, Prose Forced to Poetics...Beat! No, there lacks a rhythm...
Music,
a beating,
a pulsing,
a commonality.
Commonality,
a thing in both,
a foundation in both,
a string to tie together.
One day,
taken in stride,
just a breakfast,
then a mall walk,
then a trip,
A2 comith we.
One trip,
the traffic,
the snow,
the stops...
U of M,
Chipolte,
Panera,
Chipolte again,
back to the traffic,
back to the snow,
back home.
Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!
U of M,
free money.
Chipolte,
community found.
Panera,
free food,
cheap food,
venturing back.
Chipolte,
a gift cherished.
Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!
Home,
long enough,
only to shower.
The terror trip,
the first adventure back,
seeing the old place,
yes I went back to P707,
yes I remember our number,
I was 263 got that one too.
Soup getting achieved,
just a quick delivery,
soup delivery,
enjoy!
The thankfulness,
you're amazing,
you're the bomb,
thank you.
Your soup,
deemed worth it,
worth the terror.
Adventure off to home,
I'm staying this time!
Night well slept,
but a fear upon waking,
missing father,
he eventually checked in,
two hours later,
early morning,
not appreciated!
Now the ponderence,
a poeticesk beginning,
discussion of music,
discussion of commonality,
where did that stream go,
nowhere is the truth!
I've told much,
yet withheld just as much,
I've shared things,
words,
poetically,
lyrically,
beat fashion perhaps,
I've told nothing of substance,
what happened,
had less to do with this,
more to do with that,
yet I've given the insight of our day,
who'd've though you can give it all,
and nothing this way?!
Hang on this cliff,
the one I've left,
but don't expect me to come back,
as much as I've told I've said,
I will hold the truth of its importance,
in my depth...
fortress of secrets,
hidden where only the brave dare to go,
none come back the same,
and our secrets will be kept,
for it is only the makers,
who see what the memories have left.
(musicallities posted seperately)
a beating,
a pulsing,
a commonality.
Commonality,
a thing in both,
a foundation in both,
a string to tie together.
One day,
taken in stride,
just a breakfast,
then a mall walk,
then a trip,
A2 comith we.
One trip,
the traffic,
the snow,
the stops...
U of M,
Chipolte,
Panera,
Chipolte again,
back to the traffic,
back to the snow,
back home.
Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!
U of M,
free money.
Chipolte,
community found.
Panera,
free food,
cheap food,
venturing back.
Chipolte,
a gift cherished.
Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!
Home,
long enough,
only to shower.
The terror trip,
the first adventure back,
seeing the old place,
yes I went back to P707,
yes I remember our number,
I was 263 got that one too.
Soup getting achieved,
just a quick delivery,
soup delivery,
enjoy!
The thankfulness,
you're amazing,
you're the bomb,
thank you.
Your soup,
deemed worth it,
worth the terror.
Adventure off to home,
I'm staying this time!
Night well slept,
but a fear upon waking,
missing father,
he eventually checked in,
two hours later,
early morning,
not appreciated!
Now the ponderence,
a poeticesk beginning,
discussion of music,
discussion of commonality,
where did that stream go,
nowhere is the truth!
I've told much,
yet withheld just as much,
I've shared things,
words,
poetically,
lyrically,
beat fashion perhaps,
I've told nothing of substance,
what happened,
had less to do with this,
more to do with that,
yet I've given the insight of our day,
who'd've though you can give it all,
and nothing this way?!
Hang on this cliff,
the one I've left,
but don't expect me to come back,
as much as I've told I've said,
I will hold the truth of its importance,
in my depth...
fortress of secrets,
hidden where only the brave dare to go,
none come back the same,
and our secrets will be kept,
for it is only the makers,
who see what the memories have left.
(musicallities posted seperately)
The Musicallities
Such a musical day,
I want to remember every song,
but alas I don't,
so very many songs we shared.
We shared so much music,
yet the radio was so little of it,
we shared lyrics of our day,
some so random based on radio,
some so random based on topics,
something so random based on nothing.
This touch of music between us,
commonality,
drawing us in,
pushing us past comfort,
strange and new,
how'd it happen,
it's a miracle,
after all that's your name,
right.
Trying to piece it together,
tear it apart,
enough to figure out the song's name,
enough to understand why it came up,
enough to explain where it came from,
enough to explain why it is important.
What if I told you it was all meant to be,
would you believe me,
would you agree?
Everything changes but beauty remains,
something so tender I can't explain.
-Kelly Clarkson "A Moment Like This"
How can it not be,
meeting someone who,
makes you feel free to be,
who makes you feel appreciated,
who smirks and thinks others crazy,
at the though of you're the first...
person to treat me well, really.
So everything has changed,
the understanding that it's deserve,
the understanding that you are different,
the understand that this is what I want,
despite what it may be,
feeling treated well,
like a person with you.
You say you're here to make others smile,
mission successful!
The song that drug us in,
into our game of lyrical determination,
what is that song,
how does it go again,
and we started to piece it together,
first lyric of the song we got,
not in order though,
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
the original lyric that stared it all from me,
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad
and then the chime in of you,
When you say that you love 'em
And you really know
Everything that used to matter, don't matter no more
Like my money, all my cars
Flowers, cards and candy
Said I'm fortunate to have you girl
I want you to know
I really adore you
and once it started it never stopped...
All my people who know what's going on
Look at your mate, help me sing my song
Tell her I'm your man, you're my girl
I'm gonna tell it to the whole wide world
Ladies say I'm your girl, you're my man
Promise to love you the best I can,
-Usher "U Got It Bad"
we decided it was only appropriate then to YouTube it,
listened to the whole thing through!
Looking out the windows at that snow and traffic,
came the lyrics of the day's descriptions,
a song new to me but appropriate,
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life,
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I am glad I survived.
-System of a Down "Loneliest Day of My Life"
the song went on,
but this was what we really took to!
Random favorites,
I'd forgotten about,
still hitting your register,
brought back to me,
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
-Staind "Outside"
The lyrics I recalled,
the lyrics that we screamed.
It was among the few,
the few that we listened to,
that happened upon us,
from the radio speakers,
"Just the Way You Are"-Bruno Mars,
hit a sync,
without meaning to,
I signed it,
you noticed,
interestingly fun time,
a single interesting interaction,
who'd've guessed,
no one ever notices that.
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile,
cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
A grand turning point,
where our sing along,
became don't forget the lyrics,
and the musical of our day,
took root.
I was thinkin' about her, thinkin' bout me!
Thinkin' 'bout us, what we gonna be.
Open my eyes, it was only just a dream.
So, I travel back, down the road.
When she'll come back? No one knows.
I realized that it was only just a dream.
-Usher? Nelly? "Just a Dream"
Last to be mentioned,
second to be heard,
only to not really matter,
the beat was great,
made us start our Usher debate,
fin.
I want to remember every song,
but alas I don't,
so very many songs we shared.
We shared so much music,
yet the radio was so little of it,
we shared lyrics of our day,
some so random based on radio,
some so random based on topics,
something so random based on nothing.
This touch of music between us,
commonality,
drawing us in,
pushing us past comfort,
strange and new,
how'd it happen,
it's a miracle,
after all that's your name,
right.
Trying to piece it together,
tear it apart,
enough to figure out the song's name,
enough to understand why it came up,
enough to explain where it came from,
enough to explain why it is important.
What if I told you it was all meant to be,
would you believe me,
would you agree?
Everything changes but beauty remains,
something so tender I can't explain.
-Kelly Clarkson "A Moment Like This"
How can it not be,
meeting someone who,
makes you feel free to be,
who makes you feel appreciated,
who smirks and thinks others crazy,
at the though of you're the first...
person to treat me well, really.
So everything has changed,
the understanding that it's deserve,
the understanding that you are different,
the understand that this is what I want,
despite what it may be,
feeling treated well,
like a person with you.
You say you're here to make others smile,
mission successful!
The song that drug us in,
into our game of lyrical determination,
what is that song,
how does it go again,
and we started to piece it together,
first lyric of the song we got,
not in order though,
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
the original lyric that stared it all from me,
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad
and then the chime in of you,
When you say that you love 'em
And you really know
Everything that used to matter, don't matter no more
Like my money, all my cars
Flowers, cards and candy
Said I'm fortunate to have you girl
I want you to know
I really adore you
and once it started it never stopped...
All my people who know what's going on
Look at your mate, help me sing my song
Tell her I'm your man, you're my girl
I'm gonna tell it to the whole wide world
Ladies say I'm your girl, you're my man
Promise to love you the best I can,
-Usher "U Got It Bad"
we decided it was only appropriate then to YouTube it,
listened to the whole thing through!
Looking out the windows at that snow and traffic,
came the lyrics of the day's descriptions,
a song new to me but appropriate,
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life,
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I am glad I survived.
-System of a Down "Loneliest Day of My Life"
the song went on,
but this was what we really took to!
Random favorites,
I'd forgotten about,
still hitting your register,
brought back to me,
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
-Staind "Outside"
The lyrics I recalled,
the lyrics that we screamed.
It was among the few,
the few that we listened to,
that happened upon us,
from the radio speakers,
"Just the Way You Are"-Bruno Mars,
hit a sync,
without meaning to,
I signed it,
you noticed,
interestingly fun time,
a single interesting interaction,
who'd've guessed,
no one ever notices that.
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile,
cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
A grand turning point,
where our sing along,
became don't forget the lyrics,
and the musical of our day,
took root.
I was thinkin' about her, thinkin' bout me!
Thinkin' 'bout us, what we gonna be.
Open my eyes, it was only just a dream.
So, I travel back, down the road.
When she'll come back? No one knows.
I realized that it was only just a dream.
-Usher? Nelly? "Just a Dream"
Last to be mentioned,
second to be heard,
only to not really matter,
the beat was great,
made us start our Usher debate,
fin.
Friday, January 7, 2011
cruelty
My head and heart are so cruel to me! Well not really my heart, more my stomache, I mean maybe my heart has some play in it. I dunno, whatever organs of mine are in on the scheme matters not because its happening despite which ones they are.
I spend two or three days being irritable about how to move forward, why am I initiating conversation all the time, why did I go a whole day with not response, why do I randomly not get responses when I feel like they should have come already. Feeling like I said something stupid and freaking out that I might be done talking forever, going nuts over every little thing.
Today, I pick the lets see if you contact me game, you do, I even get you to come out and do stuff with me and D. Ok so now you want me to go do something entirely foolish and instead of feeling the need to play the hard to get card some more like hte you contact me game was intended, I'm actually planning to do it.
Why I am letting one person throw me through a gammet of reactions within several days, even hours, I don't get it. Grrrrrrrrrr I hope this doesn't bite me in the ass, I've had enough of that for a bit!
I spend two or three days being irritable about how to move forward, why am I initiating conversation all the time, why did I go a whole day with not response, why do I randomly not get responses when I feel like they should have come already. Feeling like I said something stupid and freaking out that I might be done talking forever, going nuts over every little thing.
Today, I pick the lets see if you contact me game, you do, I even get you to come out and do stuff with me and D. Ok so now you want me to go do something entirely foolish and instead of feeling the need to play the hard to get card some more like hte you contact me game was intended, I'm actually planning to do it.
Why I am letting one person throw me through a gammet of reactions within several days, even hours, I don't get it. Grrrrrrrrrr I hope this doesn't bite me in the ass, I've had enough of that for a bit!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
...hold tight...
yes i do…
i want you to hold me,
is it wrong to want you to?
you asked me if i did the other night,
i responded with a sidelong look.
maybe you didn’t understand what it meant,
my look meant dear god please do.
i don’t think you got that.
guess if there is a next time you ask,
my answer will have to be please do.
just be more forward about wants/needs…
then you’ll be less shy or nervous,
then you’ll wrap your arm around me,
then you’ll feel comfortable hugging me,
then maybe you’ll more than hug me,
then you’ll sit closer during our movies,
then you wont bite your nails,
then you’ll get its not a mistake,
you’ll understand I’m touching you purposefully.
i hope you ask me again,
i really truly do.
i want you to hold me,
is it wrong to want you to?
you asked me if i did the other night,
i responded with a sidelong look.
maybe you didn’t understand what it meant,
my look meant dear god please do.
i don’t think you got that.
guess if there is a next time you ask,
my answer will have to be please do.
just be more forward about wants/needs…
then you’ll be less shy or nervous,
then you’ll wrap your arm around me,
then you’ll feel comfortable hugging me,
then maybe you’ll more than hug me,
then you’ll sit closer during our movies,
then you wont bite your nails,
then you’ll get its not a mistake,
you’ll understand I’m touching you purposefully.
i hope you ask me again,
i really truly do.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
by the light of a neon moon
You approach and whisper sweet nothings in her ear
and all she hears is your gentle breath as she clings to every word
all she feels is your lips gently, swiftly moving,
her heart beating slower and faster all at the same time
and then, then she realizes that this feeling
this feeling she would love to feel again and again.
That tingle traveling down her spine,
paralyzing yet invigorating
without a doubt everything her dreams ever had in store
everything she ever dreamed for and more.
In these moments is when she comes to realize
she wants every little bit you have to give
and knows its her's to have if only she were to ask
your ability to do this she adores
as she's told you time and again.
and all she hears is your gentle breath as she clings to every word
all she feels is your lips gently, swiftly moving,
her heart beating slower and faster all at the same time
and then, then she realizes that this feeling
this feeling she would love to feel again and again.
That tingle traveling down her spine,
paralyzing yet invigorating
without a doubt everything her dreams ever had in store
everything she ever dreamed for and more.
In these moments is when she comes to realize
she wants every little bit you have to give
and knows its her's to have if only she were to ask
your ability to do this she adores
as she's told you time and again.
saturday...
If I had to describe a perfect Saturday...
Waking up to the pitter-patter of little feet running, getting closer and closer with every second. Rolling over and kissing you good morning, feeling that exhilarating feeling it alone can give. Both propping ourselves up in the bed, waiting for this visitor we're going to be getting. Nuzzled up near the head of the bed just awaiting the gorgeous little face we’ll see at any moment now. Hear the doorknob start turning and see that little face peek around the door. Without a moment of hesitations watch our little one come running and jumping up into the bed, scamper quickly up between us as we wrap them in our love. Lean back just the three of us, turn on music or cartoons and lay in bed talking about everything and nothing because we’re happy where we are.
Start to hear our tummies grumble and plot what breakfast should be. Head into the kitchen laughing and talking ready to cook. Put that gorgeous little one in a seat at the island to watch and still be close, while we pull out all the fixin's and start to cook. Waffles with fruit topping and whip cream, eggs with hot dogs and cheese in them, all the yummiest things we could think of all for the three of us. All the while we’re cooking being playful and just smiling and laughing, making silly faces and placing gentle kisses in passing.
Nothing but smiles and happiness, just one perfect day out of the week. Lie around and watch movies, play games, color in coloring books. Go to the park and swing on the swings, slide down the big slide, run across the bridges and crawl through the tunnels. Get ice cream on the way home or go home and make banana splits. Have comfort foods for lunch and/or dinner, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, or hearty stew. Or give in and make whatever it is our little one wants for dinner.
Curl up on the couch or in a pile of blankets on the floor and cuddle our little one to sleep. Carry them to their bedroom and tuck them into bed, placing gentle kisses on their forehead. Stand there in the doorway looking at this child of ours, once so tiny getting bigger with every passing day, this life we are responsible for, this child we adore. Stand there holding onto one another for what will never be long enough for as soon as we leave they will begin to change and grow, as soon as we blink once our child is a second older and closer to being all grown up. Walking off down the hall holding hands as we put the last few things left out of place into order and then take ourselves to bed.
Slip into our room and without words begin to undress each other. Watch closely all that is uncovered; memorize the shape and feel of each others body, the touch the other leaves on our own skin. Kiss deeply one another, in an effort to show just how much love we give the other. Just stand there holding each other close and placing gentle kisses on occasion. Finally pulling away from one another as one of us leads the way to the shower. Turn on the water and let it begin to warm the entire room as we stand there holding each other not wanting to let go. Slip into the shower and feel the warmth come over our bodies as we both fall under the streams of water. Gently run our fingers through each others hair and lean close for yet another breathtaking kiss. With only gentle whispers when necessary bath one another with care. Give kisses and run fingers and hands over each other’s body. Hold the other close and let them feel your love flowing out of every pore. Turn off the water and dry ourselves and each other off. Go back into our room and slip into bed, cuddle close and go to sleep. The last thing remembered before going to sleep is the sound of the other whispering I love you.
Waking up to the pitter-patter of little feet running, getting closer and closer with every second. Rolling over and kissing you good morning, feeling that exhilarating feeling it alone can give. Both propping ourselves up in the bed, waiting for this visitor we're going to be getting. Nuzzled up near the head of the bed just awaiting the gorgeous little face we’ll see at any moment now. Hear the doorknob start turning and see that little face peek around the door. Without a moment of hesitations watch our little one come running and jumping up into the bed, scamper quickly up between us as we wrap them in our love. Lean back just the three of us, turn on music or cartoons and lay in bed talking about everything and nothing because we’re happy where we are.
Start to hear our tummies grumble and plot what breakfast should be. Head into the kitchen laughing and talking ready to cook. Put that gorgeous little one in a seat at the island to watch and still be close, while we pull out all the fixin's and start to cook. Waffles with fruit topping and whip cream, eggs with hot dogs and cheese in them, all the yummiest things we could think of all for the three of us. All the while we’re cooking being playful and just smiling and laughing, making silly faces and placing gentle kisses in passing.
Nothing but smiles and happiness, just one perfect day out of the week. Lie around and watch movies, play games, color in coloring books. Go to the park and swing on the swings, slide down the big slide, run across the bridges and crawl through the tunnels. Get ice cream on the way home or go home and make banana splits. Have comfort foods for lunch and/or dinner, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, or hearty stew. Or give in and make whatever it is our little one wants for dinner.
Curl up on the couch or in a pile of blankets on the floor and cuddle our little one to sleep. Carry them to their bedroom and tuck them into bed, placing gentle kisses on their forehead. Stand there in the doorway looking at this child of ours, once so tiny getting bigger with every passing day, this life we are responsible for, this child we adore. Stand there holding onto one another for what will never be long enough for as soon as we leave they will begin to change and grow, as soon as we blink once our child is a second older and closer to being all grown up. Walking off down the hall holding hands as we put the last few things left out of place into order and then take ourselves to bed.
Slip into our room and without words begin to undress each other. Watch closely all that is uncovered; memorize the shape and feel of each others body, the touch the other leaves on our own skin. Kiss deeply one another, in an effort to show just how much love we give the other. Just stand there holding each other close and placing gentle kisses on occasion. Finally pulling away from one another as one of us leads the way to the shower. Turn on the water and let it begin to warm the entire room as we stand there holding each other not wanting to let go. Slip into the shower and feel the warmth come over our bodies as we both fall under the streams of water. Gently run our fingers through each others hair and lean close for yet another breathtaking kiss. With only gentle whispers when necessary bath one another with care. Give kisses and run fingers and hands over each other’s body. Hold the other close and let them feel your love flowing out of every pore. Turn off the water and dry ourselves and each other off. Go back into our room and slip into bed, cuddle close and go to sleep. The last thing remembered before going to sleep is the sound of the other whispering I love you.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
into the soul
Why I began to fall is not clear,
but I long to find myself in the depths of your soul,
by looking deep into your eyes,
find a crack in the corners of your smile...
to sneak in through.
If only I could learn everything by watching you sleep,
in those tiny moments inbetween,
inbetween everything,
everything you say and do,
everything everyone sees of you,
Your gestures give it all way,
yet they still keep your secrets...
some how persuading me,
to leave my line of questioning.
Everyone notices something,
but I notice everything...
you stand differently,
you walk differently,
you speak differently,
but only with me.
Others listen to your words passively,
I lust after them and long to hear all that you think.
Some how I only need from you is nothing and everything,
at the same time.
I want everything you are and can be,
I want nothing you are not or cannot be...
All I want is you and some how that is more than enough for me.
but I long to find myself in the depths of your soul,
by looking deep into your eyes,
find a crack in the corners of your smile...
to sneak in through.
If only I could learn everything by watching you sleep,
in those tiny moments inbetween,
inbetween everything,
everything you say and do,
everything everyone sees of you,
Your gestures give it all way,
yet they still keep your secrets...
some how persuading me,
to leave my line of questioning.
Everyone notices something,
but I notice everything...
you stand differently,
you walk differently,
you speak differently,
but only with me.
Others listen to your words passively,
I lust after them and long to hear all that you think.
Some how I only need from you is nothing and everything,
at the same time.
I want everything you are and can be,
I want nothing you are not or cannot be...
All I want is you and some how that is more than enough for me.
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