I love the me I am with you, not because I need you to complete me or because I do not love myself alone.
I love the me that is part of us, because I think its the me I was meant to be and because I think this is the love I'm deserving of.
I love this me because I think who I was always meant to be was a me that had it in their heart to be a part of this us.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I Love This Me
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Beautiful Girl
She was beautiful and perfect,
despite knowing things less than perfect about her.
She comes across as well put together,
as close to perfect as one can get.
Then I saw her slowed down,
exposed and opened up to me,
saw every part of her,
all that keeps her closed off.
It was then that she was even more beautiful.
As she sits there "starfishing",
laughing at herself,
calling herself awkward,
she has completely won me over,
showed me herself at her most beautiful.
She'll never understand it,
how her complete realness,
letting me see that,
is what gives her the greatest beauty.
On the surface...
I love her hair,
its red and curls.
her eyes,
the glass blue.
But seeing her flaws,
letting me that close.
to see her heart,
into the soul of her being,
that is when I am astounded by her beauty.
despite knowing things less than perfect about her.
She comes across as well put together,
as close to perfect as one can get.
Then I saw her slowed down,
exposed and opened up to me,
saw every part of her,
all that keeps her closed off.
It was then that she was even more beautiful.
As she sits there "starfishing",
laughing at herself,
calling herself awkward,
she has completely won me over,
showed me herself at her most beautiful.
She'll never understand it,
how her complete realness,
letting me see that,
is what gives her the greatest beauty.
On the surface...
I love her hair,
its red and curls.
her eyes,
the glass blue.
But seeing her flaws,
letting me that close.
to see her heart,
into the soul of her being,
that is when I am astounded by her beauty.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Relationship Chatter...
Strange that this post wouldn't let me write it just days before it became irrelevant...
So I haven't been around much, been reading in and posting random stuff like things that are prompted but as far as the old relationshipy type stuff I used to post, its been a bit of a no go as of late...with that said I've got some relationshipy stuff going on and I need to blurt it all out in one place really quick and have it all aired!
So here it goes, there are several people involved in my latest relationship stuff...Dollface, Baby Boi and Chase.
Baby Boi and I have been friend for five years. When we first met I was dating someone and BB was infatuated with me. We spent several months being semi attached at the hip before he left the school we were both attending and became a little less attached to one another. We none the less held onto a pretty fair friendship for a good year or so. After which we became slightly more astaranged but still were very much so friends. During the course of relationships we had we grew further apart and especially based on a relationship I watched BB have with a friend I lost some of my respect and care for BB. We became pretty distanced but always cared enough that if something big was going on we checked in on each other. Fast forward to June when I was having a bit of an emotionally crazy life situation and caught a message he posted about wanting a cuddle buddy and responded with the fact that I could fill that position on a trip I'd be taking shortly to move to Minnesota by way of Milwaukee, where he lives. We decided to make that arrangment happen and in the process of plans being made ended talking about sex and our mutual lack of it recently, which made the purpose of the layover in Milwaukee cuddles and sex for us both. The whole plan was for this to be a chance for us both to get something we were in need of and no additional connection beyond the rekindling of the friendship. This however did not turn out that way.
While I was in Milwaukee we spent our time being gaggingly cute and anyone that saw the way we behaved would have undoubtably thought couple not friends. I spent several days more than I had planned there and in the process there seemed to be a beginning to something else, something bigger. I walked away from that trip calling him Baby Boi and making plans to do other things together, cry as I drove away. We've had four months now of whatever we're doing. In the begining things were great and I loved every minute of it. I wanted nothing more than to figure out how to get back perminantly and do the whole playing house thing together.
About two or three weeks into our we'll call it relationship to be simple the topic started of being open or poly. The discussion and decision to be was based in several things, one of them being the past experiences of each of us individually, and the other big one being the reappearance of Doll Face in both of our lives.
It seems about time to introduce Dollface now. I was saying she reappeared in both my life and Baby Boi's which means we've all got history. DF and I are also long time friends like BB and I. I have known DF for right around four years now. We were best friends for about six months or so, in whcih time her and BB we together. She is the freind I saw BB mistreat and lost respect for him over. She and I had our bout of what seemed like it could have become a relationship but at the time her and BB were together and due to them getting back together from a break up that never occured. She and I when we started talking again for the first time really explained this out to one another and had this realization that we both very much so wished to see what could possibly be of that. In talking to her the relationshp between BB and I came out and there was a period of her and I having long painful conversations. Eventually it was understood that if she could she would like a do over with each of us. There were ups and downs to this path but it eventually was come to.
There is now a triangular relationship of sorts occuring between the three of us. This realtionship is fairly current but the conversation behind it was discussed when she intially came into our lives again. As it currently stands there is within our grouping four relationships occuring symaltaneously. A relationship had on the paired level between each of us with the other along with our combined realtionshp all together as three people. This relationshp setting does not seem to cause issues for us, while BB has some jealousy issues they do not seem to be too terribly show with the grouping of us three, he wants all of my attention and affections but seems to have an easy enough time doing part with some to allow her to have some of it. At least this is the concept of things I have seen. The two of them both live in Milwaukee and seem to have really gotten into a swing of a solid friendship doing things together regularly and seeming to have a good time.
Learning to swallow my words, "feelings aren't about fair or equal" (sometimes its hard to take your own advice). Got to keep marching forward, getting hurt because you put it out there is better than getting hurt because you didn't know you could have had what you wanted until it was too late.
So I haven't been around much, been reading in and posting random stuff like things that are prompted but as far as the old relationshipy type stuff I used to post, its been a bit of a no go as of late...with that said I've got some relationshipy stuff going on and I need to blurt it all out in one place really quick and have it all aired!
So here it goes, there are several people involved in my latest relationship stuff...Dollface, Baby Boi and Chase.
Baby Boi and I have been friend for five years. When we first met I was dating someone and BB was infatuated with me. We spent several months being semi attached at the hip before he left the school we were both attending and became a little less attached to one another. We none the less held onto a pretty fair friendship for a good year or so. After which we became slightly more astaranged but still were very much so friends. During the course of relationships we had we grew further apart and especially based on a relationship I watched BB have with a friend I lost some of my respect and care for BB. We became pretty distanced but always cared enough that if something big was going on we checked in on each other. Fast forward to June when I was having a bit of an emotionally crazy life situation and caught a message he posted about wanting a cuddle buddy and responded with the fact that I could fill that position on a trip I'd be taking shortly to move to Minnesota by way of Milwaukee, where he lives. We decided to make that arrangment happen and in the process of plans being made ended talking about sex and our mutual lack of it recently, which made the purpose of the layover in Milwaukee cuddles and sex for us both. The whole plan was for this to be a chance for us both to get something we were in need of and no additional connection beyond the rekindling of the friendship. This however did not turn out that way.
While I was in Milwaukee we spent our time being gaggingly cute and anyone that saw the way we behaved would have undoubtably thought couple not friends. I spent several days more than I had planned there and in the process there seemed to be a beginning to something else, something bigger. I walked away from that trip calling him Baby Boi and making plans to do other things together, cry as I drove away. We've had four months now of whatever we're doing. In the begining things were great and I loved every minute of it. I wanted nothing more than to figure out how to get back perminantly and do the whole playing house thing together.
About two or three weeks into our we'll call it relationship to be simple the topic started of being open or poly. The discussion and decision to be was based in several things, one of them being the past experiences of each of us individually, and the other big one being the reappearance of Doll Face in both of our lives.
It seems about time to introduce Dollface now. I was saying she reappeared in both my life and Baby Boi's which means we've all got history. DF and I are also long time friends like BB and I. I have known DF for right around four years now. We were best friends for about six months or so, in whcih time her and BB we together. She is the freind I saw BB mistreat and lost respect for him over. She and I had our bout of what seemed like it could have become a relationship but at the time her and BB were together and due to them getting back together from a break up that never occured. She and I when we started talking again for the first time really explained this out to one another and had this realization that we both very much so wished to see what could possibly be of that. In talking to her the relationshp between BB and I came out and there was a period of her and I having long painful conversations. Eventually it was understood that if she could she would like a do over with each of us. There were ups and downs to this path but it eventually was come to.
There is now a triangular relationship of sorts occuring between the three of us. This realtionship is fairly current but the conversation behind it was discussed when she intially came into our lives again. As it currently stands there is within our grouping four relationships occuring symaltaneously. A relationship had on the paired level between each of us with the other along with our combined realtionshp all together as three people. This relationshp setting does not seem to cause issues for us, while BB has some jealousy issues they do not seem to be too terribly show with the grouping of us three, he wants all of my attention and affections but seems to have an easy enough time doing part with some to allow her to have some of it. At least this is the concept of things I have seen. The two of them both live in Milwaukee and seem to have really gotten into a swing of a solid friendship doing things together regularly and seeming to have a good time.
Learning to swallow my words, "feelings aren't about fair or equal" (sometimes its hard to take your own advice). Got to keep marching forward, getting hurt because you put it out there is better than getting hurt because you didn't know you could have had what you wanted until it was too late.
Friday, November 4, 2011
open up...
I wrote this just under a year ago and just found it, felt like sharing, maybe I shared it then too but I like it enough to post twice!
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
refuse to be written
Its interesting to me how things work. I sat down about two weeks ago to write a post about the feelings that were weighing on me with the relationships I was engaged in. I was polyamourously dating two of my close friends and while not looking for anyone new had found myself completely infatuated with someone I'd just met. This someone new being really only interested in monogamous relationships.
I was caught in this place of being unsure how I was feeling and where my strongest desires lied. There was something about my someone new that made me so much more content and happy and at peace with life than the other two. While I love my friends they were not necessarily making me as happy as I think I deserve. I started with one friend and our relationship seemed to be slowly killing itself starting with unmet promises, several times over, that seemed insignificant at the time but were adding up. Along with the promises was the stress of being three hundred miles apart. There was a change in the emotional connectivity of the relationship as well, something I was told I would have to live with because she was really this way not that way I had originally encountered. So as things compiled themselves leading to a break down in the relationship someone else was adding to my dilemma and making me happy by just being around, making it hard for me to keep just putting up with things.
Somewhere in the midst of my first relationship breaking down the second friend entered into the mix. We connected in a way that felt good and added to the original relationship. Along with the addition of a third partner came the reorganizing of priorities and new promises with the first partner. Things seemed great for a short period of time but surely began to fall apart. Contact with both of the friends was reduced and nearly non-existent once again with the second partner. All of the promises made with the first began to be broken like what had happened previously. Along with these break downs was the entering of the new someone and being made aware of the desire for only monogamy.
Anyhow, the point of this was to say its funny how things work. I sat down to write about all of this, in far more detail and with far more emotional turmoil behind it, and couldn't. I tried and wrote on it for nearly two hours and just nothing seemed to come our right, everything seemed far too wordy and it was terribly difficult to figure out how to progress through the relationship explanations. With all of that said, its funny because that post became unnecessary about three days after the post refused to let me write it. I original relationships fell apart. I gave in to understanding that I was unhappy and really let go of the relationships that were keeping me there.
I've began to explore what can be with my newest interest and I am beyond thrilled with that I've found there. The first partner and I are still friends and things are better than they had been for quite some time. The second partner and I have not spoken, but that was for several days before the relationship found an end and not outside of her usual behaviors. She has been a regular disappearing act for me, which is a big part of why the relationship terminated. I am looking for people I can count on and unfortunately right now she's not ready for that. I love her to death and will always, but at least for right now we cannot work.
I was caught in this place of being unsure how I was feeling and where my strongest desires lied. There was something about my someone new that made me so much more content and happy and at peace with life than the other two. While I love my friends they were not necessarily making me as happy as I think I deserve. I started with one friend and our relationship seemed to be slowly killing itself starting with unmet promises, several times over, that seemed insignificant at the time but were adding up. Along with the promises was the stress of being three hundred miles apart. There was a change in the emotional connectivity of the relationship as well, something I was told I would have to live with because she was really this way not that way I had originally encountered. So as things compiled themselves leading to a break down in the relationship someone else was adding to my dilemma and making me happy by just being around, making it hard for me to keep just putting up with things.
Somewhere in the midst of my first relationship breaking down the second friend entered into the mix. We connected in a way that felt good and added to the original relationship. Along with the addition of a third partner came the reorganizing of priorities and new promises with the first partner. Things seemed great for a short period of time but surely began to fall apart. Contact with both of the friends was reduced and nearly non-existent once again with the second partner. All of the promises made with the first began to be broken like what had happened previously. Along with these break downs was the entering of the new someone and being made aware of the desire for only monogamy.
Anyhow, the point of this was to say its funny how things work. I sat down to write about all of this, in far more detail and with far more emotional turmoil behind it, and couldn't. I tried and wrote on it for nearly two hours and just nothing seemed to come our right, everything seemed far too wordy and it was terribly difficult to figure out how to progress through the relationship explanations. With all of that said, its funny because that post became unnecessary about three days after the post refused to let me write it. I original relationships fell apart. I gave in to understanding that I was unhappy and really let go of the relationships that were keeping me there.
I've began to explore what can be with my newest interest and I am beyond thrilled with that I've found there. The first partner and I are still friends and things are better than they had been for quite some time. The second partner and I have not spoken, but that was for several days before the relationship found an end and not outside of her usual behaviors. She has been a regular disappearing act for me, which is a big part of why the relationship terminated. I am looking for people I can count on and unfortunately right now she's not ready for that. I love her to death and will always, but at least for right now we cannot work.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Stitch a chara,
I love you, to the ends of the world and back. You are amazing and beautiful and I am beyond grateful to have you in my life. I don't know how to talk to you about what's going on with me right now but I wish withe very fiber of my being that I could. I just don't know how to talk to you about the fact that I don't trust anyone, especially not myself. I love you and you love me. We both promised we knew what we were saying when we said it, that we truly meant it, so I do not in my rational mind doubt you in the least bit, even in my irrational mind it is not you that I question or doubt. I question myself I wonder if I even know what it is, do I know how to love well enough to deserve what you are giving me in loving me. I feel horrible that I fairly regularly asks you to reaffirm it, but I am beyond happy that you do, and without ever a word of unhappiness for the asking. You assure me that you are serious about loving me without my asking, you laugh along and assure me in my awkward fishing jokes, and whenever we talk about my issues you remind me that you still do; its something I certainly need, I am afraid to lose someone else I love for being too whatever it is I am. The last time I planned a future with someone I was unimaginably hurt and while you are different, this is so familiar that its hard not to think about it. I have to bring myself to see all that sets you apart from that situation, from every situations that's gotten me hurt and then I'll be able to avoid feeling afraid of you, of planning a life with you, and of loving you. You are not like she or any of them ever was. The most important thing is that you when I am with you or not are always on my mind, not in a creepy way but in a if there were to be one person I'd like to share this with kinda way. You are there because you're not interested in loving me with stipulations, with requirements of all of my time and energy and to the extent that I no longer exist when you're done with me. I see this and everyone important to me see this too. The last time I planned to plan out a life with someone I had a crowd of people telling me to be careful, make the decisions that were right for me, if she loves you she'll wait for it to be right for you. This time around everyone can only say they want to meet you, they're excited for me, they think you must be great because I care about you so much and that everything about me now seems happier, healthier. I love you for who you are and who I am with you, I love you for helping me to be someone I love. You found me in a rough patch and without meaning to you're helping me out of it, and when you mean to it helps too. If you can stand to live through this pit I'm in with me I am certain that we will find a place that we will find to be more beautiful that any we have ever known. You care to work and try and commit to this which is beyond amazing to me, I've never felt that entirely encompassed in love. You want to be there for me and comfort me even when you have no idea what to say you're still determined to say something. You say the wrong thing and it doesn't hurt or make me cry or anything because i disagree but because it is only wrong because you are the first person who gets it so well that you do not know how to sooth it away, you want to face it down and talk the details and the realities. I love you for this but I don't know how to deal with this because no one ever gets it enough to force me to deal with it. You when put on the spot answer everything the way they never could, the way I needed someone to, the way that makes me feel bad for having tested you because it feels so natural for you to answer the way you do, to react the way you do, that I never should have questioned it. You are the exact person I need right now, and I hope like hell that you'll be the exact person I need always. I hope you feel the same way and always will too. Be it fate, or destiny, or okcupid that is to blame for us finding each other I am happy that we both chose to move back to Michigan and that you out of nowhere decided to say hi to me again.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
i'm rambling again...
It however seems to be the only way I figure things out...seems like no one is reading any more so I guess this might as well be dear diary entries any more but it is what it is...
How do you collect your thoughts well enough to fully share what you are thinking and feeling with someone else?!
I know just barely enough to not lose my mind over the inner turmoil and craziness that ensues over you. Upon my recognition that I do indeed care for you at all. At the realization that I not only care for you but beyond that, I care greatly for you.
How do I share that I care for you to the point of some may say fault?!
To tell you "I love you", the full statement, in every connotation you may derive. to be sure I am ready to care that much, much less have you know that I do, that I am ready for me to know that I do. convincing myself has been hard, convincing others seems to be the only way I have come around to it, having to defend why I think its a good idea to think about much less do has made me understand that I apparently really do. I know that I needed to be sure to convince myself fully to say it with all that must be behind it to give you what you deserve. You deserve me to know that I fully mean and feel all that is in that statement, to feel and mean it with every fiber of my being and beat of my heart, breath that I breath and longing of my soul.
I feel ready to say I need, you. I feel comfortable and confident in needing you. I love that I need you, this time I have chosen it, not been deluded or deceived into it. I am however frightened that I need you, to need anyone is scary. However, I really do feel like I need you for the right reasons, I need you because I have chosen to need you, because I need you due to wanting you so badly, fully, truly. The need for you is not based in your ability to twist and turn my reality into believing that I need you. I do not think like I have in the past, I do not believe that I will cease to have you and thus cease to live if you pass out of my life. I understand that without you I would cease to live the life we have begun to create together, the elements of my life that I have come to have because of my connection to you. I would miss you and not enjoy things that have become important to me because of you or important to us as a unit. Those things that have tied my world together around you would not be the same ever again, might even be things to pass out of my life, despite my connection to them. Despite this I am certain that I would survive.
It sounds harsh to say I would survive without you, but its freeing for me. It sounds like something that should make your heart drop, you are not important to me, not even as much as people in my past. This is however not what I am saying. This concept that I could live without you, sure it sounds harsh but it means to me that I've chosen not to rather than feeling as though I cannot. This is a great feeling for me, an empowering feeling. It all means to me that I have chosen this, rather than being falsely brought to believe. It all means that I choose to keep you, all because I wish to, want to, like to; not because I am too afraid to let go, too afraid to cease to exist, unable to let go.
Thank you for being this for me!
How do you collect your thoughts well enough to fully share what you are thinking and feeling with someone else?!
I know just barely enough to not lose my mind over the inner turmoil and craziness that ensues over you. Upon my recognition that I do indeed care for you at all. At the realization that I not only care for you but beyond that, I care greatly for you.
How do I share that I care for you to the point of some may say fault?!
To tell you "I love you", the full statement, in every connotation you may derive. to be sure I am ready to care that much, much less have you know that I do, that I am ready for me to know that I do. convincing myself has been hard, convincing others seems to be the only way I have come around to it, having to defend why I think its a good idea to think about much less do has made me understand that I apparently really do. I know that I needed to be sure to convince myself fully to say it with all that must be behind it to give you what you deserve. You deserve me to know that I fully mean and feel all that is in that statement, to feel and mean it with every fiber of my being and beat of my heart, breath that I breath and longing of my soul.
I feel ready to say I need, you. I feel comfortable and confident in needing you. I love that I need you, this time I have chosen it, not been deluded or deceived into it. I am however frightened that I need you, to need anyone is scary. However, I really do feel like I need you for the right reasons, I need you because I have chosen to need you, because I need you due to wanting you so badly, fully, truly. The need for you is not based in your ability to twist and turn my reality into believing that I need you. I do not think like I have in the past, I do not believe that I will cease to have you and thus cease to live if you pass out of my life. I understand that without you I would cease to live the life we have begun to create together, the elements of my life that I have come to have because of my connection to you. I would miss you and not enjoy things that have become important to me because of you or important to us as a unit. Those things that have tied my world together around you would not be the same ever again, might even be things to pass out of my life, despite my connection to them. Despite this I am certain that I would survive.
It sounds harsh to say I would survive without you, but its freeing for me. It sounds like something that should make your heart drop, you are not important to me, not even as much as people in my past. This is however not what I am saying. This concept that I could live without you, sure it sounds harsh but it means to me that I've chosen not to rather than feeling as though I cannot. This is a great feeling for me, an empowering feeling. It all means to me that I have chosen this, rather than being falsely brought to believe. It all means that I choose to keep you, all because I wish to, want to, like to; not because I am too afraid to let go, too afraid to cease to exist, unable to let go.
Thank you for being this for me!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
One Month...
...believe me I won't stop at nothin' to see you, so I've started runnin'.
all that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughin' with you.
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after, after the life we've been through...
...what about now?
what about today?
what if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
what if...
baby before its too late...
...if you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
I don't understand, if I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
I don't know life so far away, but I know that its just a trip, we'll make it through...
I hope I love you all my life...
'cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right...
all that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughin' with you.
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after, after the life we've been through...
...what about now?
what about today?
what if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
what if...
baby before its too late...
...if you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
I don't understand, if I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
I don't know life so far away, but I know that its just a trip, we'll make it through...
I hope I love you all my life...
'cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right...
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Valentine's Day
This year I celebrated my first ever Valentine's Day. I know I'm posting this days late, but I feel the need to share a bit of it due to the fact that it is the only I've ever had.
Days in advance I started planning for what I wanted to be the greatest job I could possibly do. Decided I was going to make baby lots and lots of yummy things. I was going to make her a lovely breakfast and delicious dinner, and it was all going to be a surprise to her. I did both of these but not quite the way that I planned them, baby ended up helping me make everything and knew exactly what was to be made Monday by Sunday night...when she went shopping with me. I luckily have a pretty great boi because this went off without a hitch and baby even picked up making salad and dessert to help me out with getting everything done. This all seemed to me just a pain in the butt, but we realized Tuesday morning, I'm getting sick...which means you guessed it I gave baby sickness for Valentine's Day too.
I also got baby a last minute you have to have a actual presentable gift. I got her starburst...as I found out Sunday she loves them...and a card, it was sooo cute! I read the card I got her and I couldn't help but think this is totally our card!
Breakfast--heart shaped pancakes, strawberries, pineapples, and Sunny-D cocktail. Baby made the pancakes, she rocks....free handed hearts!
Dinner--sun dried tomato and cheese stuffed shells with Alfredo sauce, salad and Smirnoff Ice. Baby had the great idea of the drinks, and with grenadine to make it pink.
Dessert--Strawberry sorbet, warm fudge brownie and fresh strawberries.
Ok, so that's the stuff I did for baby, that I ended up getting lots of her help on...I'm feeling spoiled.
As for what baby did...she got me a Build-A-Bear...well really he's a dog. She under stuffed him so that he'd be extra cuddly...and I named him in my ever silly naming fashion. Our little boi is Cappie O'Ryaleigh...because baby is a Capricorn and works at O'Rielly's. We're going to go get him a collar and name tag today...she wanted to do these things on Valentine's Day but couldn't find anything that she liked. Also, as of Tuesday I have learned that the cutest thing about Cappie-O is the fact that baby put the "I Love You" heart in him.
For how short a time we've been together that frighten and excites me. I think it means good things that I'm excited at it...I mean really how can it not be good to be excited. As far as the fear, I don't attribute it to a I'm scared you can feel that, but that I wont be worthy of being loved. This fear of not being worth of other's love is something very common for me...but I'm I guess used to being the first to decide I love the other person so its easier to accept their love because I hope for love in return.
Days in advance I started planning for what I wanted to be the greatest job I could possibly do. Decided I was going to make baby lots and lots of yummy things. I was going to make her a lovely breakfast and delicious dinner, and it was all going to be a surprise to her. I did both of these but not quite the way that I planned them, baby ended up helping me make everything and knew exactly what was to be made Monday by Sunday night...when she went shopping with me. I luckily have a pretty great boi because this went off without a hitch and baby even picked up making salad and dessert to help me out with getting everything done. This all seemed to me just a pain in the butt, but we realized Tuesday morning, I'm getting sick...which means you guessed it I gave baby sickness for Valentine's Day too.
I also got baby a last minute you have to have a actual presentable gift. I got her starburst...as I found out Sunday she loves them...and a card, it was sooo cute! I read the card I got her and I couldn't help but think this is totally our card!
Breakfast--heart shaped pancakes, strawberries, pineapples, and Sunny-D cocktail. Baby made the pancakes, she rocks....free handed hearts!
Dinner--sun dried tomato and cheese stuffed shells with Alfredo sauce, salad and Smirnoff Ice. Baby had the great idea of the drinks, and with grenadine to make it pink.
Dessert--Strawberry sorbet, warm fudge brownie and fresh strawberries.
Ok, so that's the stuff I did for baby, that I ended up getting lots of her help on...I'm feeling spoiled.
As for what baby did...she got me a Build-A-Bear...well really he's a dog. She under stuffed him so that he'd be extra cuddly...and I named him in my ever silly naming fashion. Our little boi is Cappie O'Ryaleigh...because baby is a Capricorn and works at O'Rielly's. We're going to go get him a collar and name tag today...she wanted to do these things on Valentine's Day but couldn't find anything that she liked. Also, as of Tuesday I have learned that the cutest thing about Cappie-O is the fact that baby put the "I Love You" heart in him.
For how short a time we've been together that frighten and excites me. I think it means good things that I'm excited at it...I mean really how can it not be good to be excited. As far as the fear, I don't attribute it to a I'm scared you can feel that, but that I wont be worthy of being loved. This fear of not being worth of other's love is something very common for me...but I'm I guess used to being the first to decide I love the other person so its easier to accept their love because I hope for love in return.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
by the light of a neon moon
You approach and whisper sweet nothings in her ear
and all she hears is your gentle breath as she clings to every word
all she feels is your lips gently, swiftly moving,
her heart beating slower and faster all at the same time
and then, then she realizes that this feeling
this feeling she would love to feel again and again.
That tingle traveling down her spine,
paralyzing yet invigorating
without a doubt everything her dreams ever had in store
everything she ever dreamed for and more.
In these moments is when she comes to realize
she wants every little bit you have to give
and knows its her's to have if only she were to ask
your ability to do this she adores
as she's told you time and again.
and all she hears is your gentle breath as she clings to every word
all she feels is your lips gently, swiftly moving,
her heart beating slower and faster all at the same time
and then, then she realizes that this feeling
this feeling she would love to feel again and again.
That tingle traveling down her spine,
paralyzing yet invigorating
without a doubt everything her dreams ever had in store
everything she ever dreamed for and more.
In these moments is when she comes to realize
she wants every little bit you have to give
and knows its her's to have if only she were to ask
your ability to do this she adores
as she's told you time and again.
saturday...
If I had to describe a perfect Saturday...
Waking up to the pitter-patter of little feet running, getting closer and closer with every second. Rolling over and kissing you good morning, feeling that exhilarating feeling it alone can give. Both propping ourselves up in the bed, waiting for this visitor we're going to be getting. Nuzzled up near the head of the bed just awaiting the gorgeous little face we’ll see at any moment now. Hear the doorknob start turning and see that little face peek around the door. Without a moment of hesitations watch our little one come running and jumping up into the bed, scamper quickly up between us as we wrap them in our love. Lean back just the three of us, turn on music or cartoons and lay in bed talking about everything and nothing because we’re happy where we are.
Start to hear our tummies grumble and plot what breakfast should be. Head into the kitchen laughing and talking ready to cook. Put that gorgeous little one in a seat at the island to watch and still be close, while we pull out all the fixin's and start to cook. Waffles with fruit topping and whip cream, eggs with hot dogs and cheese in them, all the yummiest things we could think of all for the three of us. All the while we’re cooking being playful and just smiling and laughing, making silly faces and placing gentle kisses in passing.
Nothing but smiles and happiness, just one perfect day out of the week. Lie around and watch movies, play games, color in coloring books. Go to the park and swing on the swings, slide down the big slide, run across the bridges and crawl through the tunnels. Get ice cream on the way home or go home and make banana splits. Have comfort foods for lunch and/or dinner, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, or hearty stew. Or give in and make whatever it is our little one wants for dinner.
Curl up on the couch or in a pile of blankets on the floor and cuddle our little one to sleep. Carry them to their bedroom and tuck them into bed, placing gentle kisses on their forehead. Stand there in the doorway looking at this child of ours, once so tiny getting bigger with every passing day, this life we are responsible for, this child we adore. Stand there holding onto one another for what will never be long enough for as soon as we leave they will begin to change and grow, as soon as we blink once our child is a second older and closer to being all grown up. Walking off down the hall holding hands as we put the last few things left out of place into order and then take ourselves to bed.
Slip into our room and without words begin to undress each other. Watch closely all that is uncovered; memorize the shape and feel of each others body, the touch the other leaves on our own skin. Kiss deeply one another, in an effort to show just how much love we give the other. Just stand there holding each other close and placing gentle kisses on occasion. Finally pulling away from one another as one of us leads the way to the shower. Turn on the water and let it begin to warm the entire room as we stand there holding each other not wanting to let go. Slip into the shower and feel the warmth come over our bodies as we both fall under the streams of water. Gently run our fingers through each others hair and lean close for yet another breathtaking kiss. With only gentle whispers when necessary bath one another with care. Give kisses and run fingers and hands over each other’s body. Hold the other close and let them feel your love flowing out of every pore. Turn off the water and dry ourselves and each other off. Go back into our room and slip into bed, cuddle close and go to sleep. The last thing remembered before going to sleep is the sound of the other whispering I love you.
Waking up to the pitter-patter of little feet running, getting closer and closer with every second. Rolling over and kissing you good morning, feeling that exhilarating feeling it alone can give. Both propping ourselves up in the bed, waiting for this visitor we're going to be getting. Nuzzled up near the head of the bed just awaiting the gorgeous little face we’ll see at any moment now. Hear the doorknob start turning and see that little face peek around the door. Without a moment of hesitations watch our little one come running and jumping up into the bed, scamper quickly up between us as we wrap them in our love. Lean back just the three of us, turn on music or cartoons and lay in bed talking about everything and nothing because we’re happy where we are.
Start to hear our tummies grumble and plot what breakfast should be. Head into the kitchen laughing and talking ready to cook. Put that gorgeous little one in a seat at the island to watch and still be close, while we pull out all the fixin's and start to cook. Waffles with fruit topping and whip cream, eggs with hot dogs and cheese in them, all the yummiest things we could think of all for the three of us. All the while we’re cooking being playful and just smiling and laughing, making silly faces and placing gentle kisses in passing.
Nothing but smiles and happiness, just one perfect day out of the week. Lie around and watch movies, play games, color in coloring books. Go to the park and swing on the swings, slide down the big slide, run across the bridges and crawl through the tunnels. Get ice cream on the way home or go home and make banana splits. Have comfort foods for lunch and/or dinner, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, or hearty stew. Or give in and make whatever it is our little one wants for dinner.
Curl up on the couch or in a pile of blankets on the floor and cuddle our little one to sleep. Carry them to their bedroom and tuck them into bed, placing gentle kisses on their forehead. Stand there in the doorway looking at this child of ours, once so tiny getting bigger with every passing day, this life we are responsible for, this child we adore. Stand there holding onto one another for what will never be long enough for as soon as we leave they will begin to change and grow, as soon as we blink once our child is a second older and closer to being all grown up. Walking off down the hall holding hands as we put the last few things left out of place into order and then take ourselves to bed.
Slip into our room and without words begin to undress each other. Watch closely all that is uncovered; memorize the shape and feel of each others body, the touch the other leaves on our own skin. Kiss deeply one another, in an effort to show just how much love we give the other. Just stand there holding each other close and placing gentle kisses on occasion. Finally pulling away from one another as one of us leads the way to the shower. Turn on the water and let it begin to warm the entire room as we stand there holding each other not wanting to let go. Slip into the shower and feel the warmth come over our bodies as we both fall under the streams of water. Gently run our fingers through each others hair and lean close for yet another breathtaking kiss. With only gentle whispers when necessary bath one another with care. Give kisses and run fingers and hands over each other’s body. Hold the other close and let them feel your love flowing out of every pore. Turn off the water and dry ourselves and each other off. Go back into our room and slip into bed, cuddle close and go to sleep. The last thing remembered before going to sleep is the sound of the other whispering I love you.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
into the soul
Why I began to fall is not clear,
but I long to find myself in the depths of your soul,
by looking deep into your eyes,
find a crack in the corners of your smile...
to sneak in through.
If only I could learn everything by watching you sleep,
in those tiny moments inbetween,
inbetween everything,
everything you say and do,
everything everyone sees of you,
Your gestures give it all way,
yet they still keep your secrets...
some how persuading me,
to leave my line of questioning.
Everyone notices something,
but I notice everything...
you stand differently,
you walk differently,
you speak differently,
but only with me.
Others listen to your words passively,
I lust after them and long to hear all that you think.
Some how I only need from you is nothing and everything,
at the same time.
I want everything you are and can be,
I want nothing you are not or cannot be...
All I want is you and some how that is more than enough for me.
but I long to find myself in the depths of your soul,
by looking deep into your eyes,
find a crack in the corners of your smile...
to sneak in through.
If only I could learn everything by watching you sleep,
in those tiny moments inbetween,
inbetween everything,
everything you say and do,
everything everyone sees of you,
Your gestures give it all way,
yet they still keep your secrets...
some how persuading me,
to leave my line of questioning.
Everyone notices something,
but I notice everything...
you stand differently,
you walk differently,
you speak differently,
but only with me.
Others listen to your words passively,
I lust after them and long to hear all that you think.
Some how I only need from you is nothing and everything,
at the same time.
I want everything you are and can be,
I want nothing you are not or cannot be...
All I want is you and some how that is more than enough for me.
global emoticon
and there I am momentarily gone again
lost in the light hiding for me in your eyes
the sweet subtlety in your touch
feel my heart rush
lost in sweet elegance of your voice
what you say matters not
but I push myself to stay listening
to be here on the surface with you
I fight against my own will
I want to be lost in you
irrational over you
feel as never before because of you
you used to let me
welcome me into the nothing that for me was everything
I'm lost as how to proceed from here
do I find faults to run fast quickl
do I drop roots give all of me into this thing
I'm desperately trying to figure out where's the me
should I want any of anything you offer to me
is it wrong to want so whole heartedly
what you've never dreamed was your's to have half heartedly
I dream but how can this be
life beyond the fantasy
what do I owe thee
what do you expect of me
how is it that I cannot wake of this dream
oh please if there is but a higher being
let this fall at my feet shattered glass
the looking glass of my dreams
or make it not fragile enough to ever be such a thing
I feel myself drawn so wholly into it
will sooner now surrender everything
everything I cannot stand to lose
so this must be broken now
or eternal
no room for the in-between
so now I wonder
goddess
angel
what do you think
can you give this to me
you promised never to hurt me
so don't
give me my longed for eternity
please beautiful girl
learn nothing but to love me
do nothing but love me
be you the woman who will always love me
or be gone as harsh as it may be
lost in the light hiding for me in your eyes
the sweet subtlety in your touch
feel my heart rush
lost in sweet elegance of your voice
what you say matters not
but I push myself to stay listening
to be here on the surface with you
I fight against my own will
I want to be lost in you
irrational over you
feel as never before because of you
you used to let me
welcome me into the nothing that for me was everything
I'm lost as how to proceed from here
do I find faults to run fast quickl
do I drop roots give all of me into this thing
I'm desperately trying to figure out where's the me
should I want any of anything you offer to me
is it wrong to want so whole heartedly
what you've never dreamed was your's to have half heartedly
I dream but how can this be
life beyond the fantasy
what do I owe thee
what do you expect of me
how is it that I cannot wake of this dream
oh please if there is but a higher being
let this fall at my feet shattered glass
the looking glass of my dreams
or make it not fragile enough to ever be such a thing
I feel myself drawn so wholly into it
will sooner now surrender everything
everything I cannot stand to lose
so this must be broken now
or eternal
no room for the in-between
so now I wonder
goddess
angel
what do you think
can you give this to me
you promised never to hurt me
so don't
give me my longed for eternity
please beautiful girl
learn nothing but to love me
do nothing but love me
be you the woman who will always love me
or be gone as harsh as it may be
Monday, January 3, 2011
Reality over Fantasy
- Someone who feels like home
- Someone who can always be my first call
- Someone who makes me feel safe and protected
- Someone who knows how to make everything okay with a call or a hug
- Someone I never feel bad about wanting or needing for any reason
- Someone who when cuddled up together
*nothing else matters
*there is a complete sense of safety
*all that has gone bad can be forgotten - Someone that respects when I don’t want to talk about something, but is also all ears when I do.
- Someone who can be the source of a smile when I really need a happy distraction.
- Someone who knows that I can bold my own in hearted arguments, but doesn’t assume I like to have them
- Someone who is honest, and has no desire to lie to me
- Someone who is kind and compassionate
- Someone who wont cheat, and if they did they would be honest about it
- Someone who can be supportive of individuals goals, even when they add short term barriers to the relationship
- Someone who is not regularly passive-aggressive with me
- Someone who understand the weight of a promise and thus keeps all those they can
- Someone who loves me with only one condition, I love them as well.
- Someone who makes me feel like a priority
- Someone who understands that not everything will always be easy and we may have hard times where we have to work for our relationship
- Someone who sees all of my little imperfections and loves me for them not despite them
- Someone who knows love is not something that can be expressed simply through purchasable
- Someone who does not seek to always keep score (wrongs, sacrifices made, etc)
- Someone who does not have a defeatist attitude, especially when it is about our relationship
- Someone who can hold their own in intellectual conversation, or at least listen gracefully and learn something
- Someone who is passionate, whatever the topic
Mourning
There is a place where mourning begins.
There is also a place where mourning ends.
I await that place where it ends.
A place where we all live out second life,
which never ends.
A life where we all have enough time,
with all those we wish to have time with.
Where we don't fight over things,
any more serious than who loves who most,
in the silliest of tones.
A place where love is never wrong,
and we are free to love as we wish to love.
A place where light always wins,
hope always endures,
and love is alive,
everywhere.
There is also a place where mourning ends.
I await that place where it ends.
A place where we all live out second life,
which never ends.
A life where we all have enough time,
with all those we wish to have time with.
Where we don't fight over things,
any more serious than who loves who most,
in the silliest of tones.
A place where love is never wrong,
and we are free to love as we wish to love.
A place where light always wins,
hope always endures,
and love is alive,
everywhere.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Horoscopes
Leo Year 2011 Overview
This is the year of expanding your mental and physical horizons, Leo. Expect loads of travel and awesome adventure in 2011, especially between March and June when a barrage of planets enter fellow fire sign, Aries, sparking your sector of foreign travel and higher education. You'll be pondering some of the deeper existential questions like the meaning of life, who you are and why you're here on a daily basis. Nothing is taken for granted, as life becomes one giant college campus dishing out one lesson after another. An overwhelming desire to see the world, experiment with new philosophies and indulge in scholarly pursuits become potent themes for the course of this dynamic New Year!Mental pursuits of all stripe dominant your time and attention for another year as Saturn continues his residence in your communication sector. Finding your true voice becomes a spiritual practice. Expressing yourself through carefully cultivated word choice proves especially rewarding. If you've ever wanted to write a book, learn a new language, go back to school or take up some radical new course of study, 2011 is your year to take the risk and make your literary dreams come true.
Pluto continues working you to the bone in 2011 through the extended transit in your work and health sector. You're beginning to actually get accustomed to the emotional gutting as the Lord of the Underworld dredges up each and every repressed emotional issue you've ever had with authority figures. You're coming into your own power the hard way -- but this is the kind of self-possession and confidence that becomes an integral part of your being and thus can never be taken from you.
Leo Year 2011 Romantic
Saturn, the karmic taskmaster continues his tutelage in the realm of relationships for the entire year. Expect more testing on the self-love scales as you're called to evaluate which relationships pan out in a close to equal give and take ratio and which completely suck you dry. Any and all ties that waste your time and cut into self-esteem must be severed. It's high time you know your value Leo: no more settling, and definitely no more desperate measures.You'll no longer be able to give yourself short shrift or buy into co-dependent dynamics that put your needs on an eternal backburner. You're learning the hard way how to love yourself the way you want and deserve to be loved. Relationships must honor, dignify and respect your noble qualities to pass Saturn's stringent litmus test. But the good news is that you're learning to stand up and voice your romantic needs. No longer will you fall prey to the trap of giving in hopes of getting -- and that makes all the difference.
Beauty and love abound just in time to make it one glorious summer to remember. Venus, the goddess of beauty of love will grace your regal constellation. Book special beauty treatments, give yourself plenty of playtime and vamp up your online profile because mating season will have officially begun. And just as things start to get interesting Mars joins the romantic cause. The libidinal planet brings sexy back in October and November.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Ideologies
I would like to think that I have always been aware that everyone approaches situations with their own individual set of ideologies. These ideologies come from everything they have seen or heard or experienced in some fashion. What we have done is how we shape together what we wish to do again or never wish to do again. It is also contributing to the way we interpret others actions and behavior patterns and words. I have known this in many instinctual ways based if nothing else on own experience with my formation of these constructs. I was given the vocabulary to really talk about it in my studies since a big part of a social workers job is to recognize where clients are and meet them there without judgement or condemnation. Needless to say the whole topic is not one I am all too far from having a stew of thoughts going somewhere in my head.
I guess now would be where I make the point of my ramblings thus far. Even with the genuine strives towards acknowledging the fact that ideologies are present in all of us and can be found to conflict in any of a million ways on any of an infinite number of topics or rationalizations. I still find myself amazed that there is a sense of what it means to be safe and protected and loved that even among some that would seem well established to be close enough in ideology to place the statements on the topics into the world with similar constructs of meaning there is disagreement in very fundamental and crucially dividing ways.
I for one have always said that safety and security and protection are things i seek in life and thus the ability to make me feel that way a trait I seek in life partners. I am noticing what seems to be a divide in ideologies over my expression of this in my previous blog. I do not know if it is my left of center self expression that makes this desire in many senses entirely fundamentally different from that of other ideologies but i have never seen to be any great challenge to meet. I can not say I have before recently had anyone bring to my attention that it is not necessarily something they could do. It is to me a sign of fundamental differentiation that ultimately proves more in the lack of understanding or seeking of further clarification to me that shows it was a need that would not have been met not because it was impossible to ask but because the defeated attitude was already established so there would not be a high probability of trying to meet it.
I guess now would be where I make the point of my ramblings thus far. Even with the genuine strives towards acknowledging the fact that ideologies are present in all of us and can be found to conflict in any of a million ways on any of an infinite number of topics or rationalizations. I still find myself amazed that there is a sense of what it means to be safe and protected and loved that even among some that would seem well established to be close enough in ideology to place the statements on the topics into the world with similar constructs of meaning there is disagreement in very fundamental and crucially dividing ways.
I for one have always said that safety and security and protection are things i seek in life and thus the ability to make me feel that way a trait I seek in life partners. I am noticing what seems to be a divide in ideologies over my expression of this in my previous blog. I do not know if it is my left of center self expression that makes this desire in many senses entirely fundamentally different from that of other ideologies but i have never seen to be any great challenge to meet. I can not say I have before recently had anyone bring to my attention that it is not necessarily something they could do. It is to me a sign of fundamental differentiation that ultimately proves more in the lack of understanding or seeking of further clarification to me that shows it was a need that would not have been met not because it was impossible to ask but because the defeated attitude was already established so there would not be a high probability of trying to meet it.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
If ever...
If ever I'd hope that love would be enough
it would surely be now as I sit here in this wedding gown
tears falling down.If ever I'd hope that faith would be enough
it would surely be now as I sit broken in this church pew
with you.
If ever I'd hope that wisdom would be enough
it would surely be now as I recognize all that I know
hopeful it will show.
If ever I'd hope that this life would be enough
it would surely be now as I cherish what is true
before I am without you.
If ever I'd hope that enough would be enough
it would surely be now when life has fill-ith my cup to the brim
and I fear I cannot swim.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Reflex-ions
I say never say never, yet I write a list of things I'll never do...and then cross them off as things I have done or think I shall change my mind and add to the things I shall do list.
Shame my parents...unfortunately that came at a great price to us all and was in a way unavoidable to me that I had hoped would not. I always heard we'll love you no matter what and you can be whatever you want to be when you grew up...and watch as the concept of being a whole list of things came out as shamers. I am and always will be one of those things...gay/lesbian/queer...despite the word I use it all plays out the same way, they don't like it at all.
Be untrue to myself...I've done so too many time to recount but lets just say women and love have unfortunately been the leading factor in my demise on this front.
Be someone unlikable...I've yet to fully understand this one but for some reason the family of someone I thought would be a forever really did dislike me and lead to forever having an end date...December 27th that date haunts me more than any of the others that do, one of the few dates in my life period that I can give you a spot on the calender to place it.
Let myself off the hook for being someone other than who I always suspected I'd be...this has been something that has lead to me being much happier to be honest entirely. I am not who my childhood dream of me was, but I have learned far more options of what one can be and accepted that they are what is in store for my life and that I really do like it. I was always going to be a white picket fence, handsome husband and great life very early on, while holding down a teaching job and being an amazing parent kind of adult...I think I'd still like the fence and I'd love to be an amazing parent but I'm sure that the rest is not in my immediate scope and I've got five years to make my dream age for my 1st child come true and I'm no where near settled down or sure of exactly what I want out of a lifetime commitment enough to be close to conception day. Oh and that handsome husband thing, someone is a lot more likely to call me that than I them.
Know so much about myself that I realize I know nothing about myself, much less the world I attempt to exist well in.
Be someone who cries as easily and frequently as my mother...I was ashamed of how little of her emotional baggage she could take and how easily she let it crumple her as a child. I struggle every day to see strength in my need to express emotions so readily and not see myself as a weak person because of how little I let go before I reach emotional breaking points.
I'm scattered and skewed from what I expected, what anyone expected and I've yet to learn enough of myself to know if I mind it as much as I show or anyone else says I should. I've got my own expectations to define and live up to...and I know that the main one I've set for myself thus far is to set them all for myself.
Shame my parents...unfortunately that came at a great price to us all and was in a way unavoidable to me that I had hoped would not. I always heard we'll love you no matter what and you can be whatever you want to be when you grew up...and watch as the concept of being a whole list of things came out as shamers. I am and always will be one of those things...gay/lesbian/queer...despite the word I use it all plays out the same way, they don't like it at all.
Be untrue to myself...I've done so too many time to recount but lets just say women and love have unfortunately been the leading factor in my demise on this front.
Be someone unlikable...I've yet to fully understand this one but for some reason the family of someone I thought would be a forever really did dislike me and lead to forever having an end date...December 27th that date haunts me more than any of the others that do, one of the few dates in my life period that I can give you a spot on the calender to place it.
Let myself off the hook for being someone other than who I always suspected I'd be...this has been something that has lead to me being much happier to be honest entirely. I am not who my childhood dream of me was, but I have learned far more options of what one can be and accepted that they are what is in store for my life and that I really do like it. I was always going to be a white picket fence, handsome husband and great life very early on, while holding down a teaching job and being an amazing parent kind of adult...I think I'd still like the fence and I'd love to be an amazing parent but I'm sure that the rest is not in my immediate scope and I've got five years to make my dream age for my 1st child come true and I'm no where near settled down or sure of exactly what I want out of a lifetime commitment enough to be close to conception day. Oh and that handsome husband thing, someone is a lot more likely to call me that than I them.
Know so much about myself that I realize I know nothing about myself, much less the world I attempt to exist well in.
Be someone who cries as easily and frequently as my mother...I was ashamed of how little of her emotional baggage she could take and how easily she let it crumple her as a child. I struggle every day to see strength in my need to express emotions so readily and not see myself as a weak person because of how little I let go before I reach emotional breaking points.
I'm scattered and skewed from what I expected, what anyone expected and I've yet to learn enough of myself to know if I mind it as much as I show or anyone else says I should. I've got my own expectations to define and live up to...and I know that the main one I've set for myself thus far is to set them all for myself.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Putting the Past Out There
I gave more than I had to give,
and you gave less than I need to live,
you took more than you knew you did,
but getting it back will cost more than I have to bid.
and you gave less than I need to live,
you took more than you knew you did,
but getting it back will cost more than I have to bid.
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I hear
Bitter sweet rhythmic melodies
Promises made
Hearts left untamed!
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I wander off to find that place in your mind;
Where love has never been lost,
Where hurt has never been the cost.
I wander off to find that place in your soul;
Where there is a rip you’ll let me mend,
Let me care for it, for you until the end.
I wander off to find that place in your heart;
Where you hide all that you hold dear,
I only wish to see your treasure have no fear.
We wander off to find that place in this world;
Where you and I can learn to trust,
Baby this is something we must.
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I'm flirting with danger and crushing on fantasies, but I want to fall in-love with reality.
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