It however seems to be the only way I figure things out...seems like no one is reading any more so I guess this might as well be dear diary entries any more but it is what it is...
How do you collect your thoughts well enough to fully share what you are thinking and feeling with someone else?!
I know just barely enough to not lose my mind over the inner turmoil and craziness that ensues over you. Upon my recognition that I do indeed care for you at all. At the realization that I not only care for you but beyond that, I care greatly for you.
How do I share that I care for you to the point of some may say fault?!
To tell you "I love you", the full statement, in every connotation you may derive. to be sure I am ready to care that much, much less have you know that I do, that I am ready for me to know that I do. convincing myself has been hard, convincing others seems to be the only way I have come around to it, having to defend why I think its a good idea to think about much less do has made me understand that I apparently really do. I know that I needed to be sure to convince myself fully to say it with all that must be behind it to give you what you deserve. You deserve me to know that I fully mean and feel all that is in that statement, to feel and mean it with every fiber of my being and beat of my heart, breath that I breath and longing of my soul.
I feel ready to say I need, you. I feel comfortable and confident in needing you. I love that I need you, this time I have chosen it, not been deluded or deceived into it. I am however frightened that I need you, to need anyone is scary. However, I really do feel like I need you for the right reasons, I need you because I have chosen to need you, because I need you due to wanting you so badly, fully, truly. The need for you is not based in your ability to twist and turn my reality into believing that I need you. I do not think like I have in the past, I do not believe that I will cease to have you and thus cease to live if you pass out of my life. I understand that without you I would cease to live the life we have begun to create together, the elements of my life that I have come to have because of my connection to you. I would miss you and not enjoy things that have become important to me because of you or important to us as a unit. Those things that have tied my world together around you would not be the same ever again, might even be things to pass out of my life, despite my connection to them. Despite this I am certain that I would survive.
It sounds harsh to say I would survive without you, but its freeing for me. It sounds like something that should make your heart drop, you are not important to me, not even as much as people in my past. This is however not what I am saying. This concept that I could live without you, sure it sounds harsh but it means to me that I've chosen not to rather than feeling as though I cannot. This is a great feeling for me, an empowering feeling. It all means to me that I have chosen this, rather than being falsely brought to believe. It all means that I choose to keep you, all because I wish to, want to, like to; not because I am too afraid to let go, too afraid to cease to exist, unable to let go.
Thank you for being this for me!
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