Lessons...I've got strong feelings today....

Settle in,

pay me mind.

All I request is your time,

a chance to make you think,

before your mouth sets into words,

before your apologies will be eternally too late.

There's this word I wish to explore...

HOMOPHOBIA,

at its roots its pretty simple,

sameness and fear,

the fear of being the same. 

To be honest,

at that meaning,

its a word I quite like to hear.

Everyone should know it and exercise it,

everyone should fear being completely the same,

everyone should seek to be different and their own person.

However, 

that is not the connotation it carries,

it carries that of a hateful nature,

it refers to a set of feelings about homosexuals. 

The word is used to spread hatred,

to induce fear,

to teach that treating someone wrongly is right.

It is not about one's own fear, 

it is about the fear that one spreads.

Lets be honest there is nothing to be feared,

not by those who attach themselves to groups that act on it.

There is fear to be felt by those on the receiving end,

the knowledge that someone else does not like and will mistreat them.

There is not fear on the giving end.

How can there be?!

What is there to fear?

You cannot "catch" it,

you cannot "get" it,

you've said yourself that it is a choice,

so you do not have the gene for it.

You've said it is something that must be chosen,

and you will never make that fateful mistake.

There is however fear on the receiving end.

How couldn't there be?!

There are so many acts committed against them,

all the hate crimes in the news just continue to prove.

From beatings to rapes,

from losing family to losing ones own life.

Before you open your mouth to tell me its a lie,

realize I'm not just speaking from the words of television,

I've seen the crimes,

with  my own eyes.

I may have evaded or escaped,

I may have seen and not felt,

but I was there and it was happening.

The threats were made,

and the fear was set into me. 

If your next thought is to tell me it was deserved,

you are wrong,

for believing there was any provocation,

for believing that any human deserves such treatment!

So, before you seek to "teach" me,

slow down a second and answer me this...

is it the greater sin to love,

or to hate, judge, belittle, condemn,

beat, batter, bruise,

and/or rape,

one of God's beloved children?! 

Do you still think you'll teach  me the error of my ways?

Because I think you've got more to learn,

I think your lesson to be learned from me,

is more important that the one you seek to teach me.

The lesson on love and caring I have to share seems to outweigh,

the lesson you want to teach  me because I "chose" the "wrong" mate.

Plunge

Not sure why I had these posts on here that were just sitting in draft mode...went through and posted them all...will have to go back and read all the lovely things I was keeping hidden up here...but now everyone can. Hopefully all the embarrassing stuff that I may choose to delete the next time I can sit down with it will not be read before then lol

Relationship Chatter...

Strange that this post wouldn't let me write it just days before it became irrelevant...



So I haven't been around much, been reading in and posting random stuff like things that are prompted but as far as the old relationshipy type stuff I used to post, its been a bit of a no go as of late...with that said I've got some relationshipy stuff going on and I need to blurt it all out in one place really quick and have it all aired!

So here it goes, there are several people involved in my latest relationship stuff...Dollface, Baby Boi and Chase.

Baby Boi and I have been friend for five years. When we first met I was dating someone and BB was infatuated with me. We spent several months being semi attached at the hip before he left the school we were both attending and became a little less attached to one another. We none the less held onto a pretty fair friendship for a good year or so. After which we became slightly more astaranged but still were very much so friends. During the course of relationships we had we grew further apart and especially based on a relationship I watched BB have with a friend I lost some of my respect and care for BB. We became pretty distanced but always cared enough that if something big was going on we checked in on each other. Fast forward to June when I was having a bit of an emotionally crazy life situation and caught a message he posted about wanting a cuddle buddy and responded with the fact that I could fill that position on a trip I'd be taking shortly to  move to Minnesota by way of Milwaukee, where he lives.  We decided to make that arrangment happen and in the process of plans being made ended talking about sex and our mutual lack of it recently, which made the purpose of the layover in Milwaukee cuddles and sex for us both. The whole plan was for this to be a chance for us both to get something we were in need of and no additional connection beyond the rekindling of the friendship. This however did not turn out that way.


While I was in Milwaukee we spent our time being gaggingly cute and anyone that saw the way we behaved would have undoubtably thought couple not friends. I spent several days more than I had planned there and in the process there seemed to be a beginning to something else, something bigger. I walked away from that trip calling him Baby Boi and making plans to do other things together, cry as I drove away. We've had four months now of whatever we're doing. In the begining things were great and I loved every minute of it. I wanted nothing more than to figure out how to get back perminantly and do the whole playing house thing together.

About two or three weeks into our we'll call it relationship to be simple the topic started of being open or poly. The discussion and decision to be was based in several things, one of them being the past experiences of each of us individually, and the other big one being the reappearance of Doll Face in both of our lives.


It seems about time to introduce Dollface now. I was saying she reappeared in both my life and Baby Boi's which means we've all got history. DF and I are also long time friends like BB and I. I have known DF for right around four years now. We were best friends for about six months or so, in whcih time her and BB we together. She is the freind I saw BB mistreat and lost respect for him over. She and I had our bout of what seemed like it could have become a relationship but at the time her and BB were together and due to them getting back together from a break up that never occured. She and I when we started talking again for the first time really explained this out to one another and had this realization that we both very much so wished to see what could possibly be of that. In talking to her the relationshp between BB and I came out and there was a period of her and I having long painful conversations. Eventually it was understood that if she could she would like a do over with each of us. There were ups and downs to this path but it eventually was come to.


There is now a triangular relationship of sorts occuring between the three of us. This realtionship is fairly current but the conversation behind it was discussed when she intially came into our lives again. As it currently stands there is within our grouping four relationships occuring symaltaneously. A relationship had on the paired level between each of us with the other along with our combined realtionshp all together as three people. This relationshp setting does not seem to cause issues for us, while BB has some jealousy issues they do not seem to be too terribly show with the grouping of us three, he wants all of my attention and affections but seems to have an easy enough time doing part with some to allow her to have some of it. At least this is the concept of things I have seen. The two of them both live in Milwaukee and seem to have really gotten into a swing of a solid friendship doing things together regularly and seeming to have a good time.




Learning to swallow my words, "feelings aren't about fair or equal" (sometimes its hard to take your own advice). Got to keep marching forward, getting hurt because you put it out there is better than getting hurt because you didn't know you could have had what you wanted until it was too late.

Questions...

1-Can you sleep in socks?
2-What is your favorite animal?
3-How many living grandparents do you have?
4-What do you or did you call your grandparents?
5-Who is the most important person in your life?
6-If you were engaged to someone and they got into an accident that left them paraplegic, would you still marry them or back out?
7-Do you think your friends believe your sex life is better or worst than it actually is?
8-If you wanted to have sex but your partner didn't would you rather they turn you down or go through with it for your benefit?
9-What is something silly you've been known to do to your significant others? What reaction do you generally get?
10-When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
11-What are your pet peeves?
12-Cake or pie?
13-Do you prefer nights in or nights out?
14-Do you prefer to be hot or cold?
15-Are you a covers hog?
16-What is your favorite drink? (alcoholic and/or nonalcoholic)
17-What is your favorite meal?
18-What is your favorite kid of food?
19-What is your favorite sandwich?
20-What is your favorite kind of pizza? (crust, sauce, toppings)
21-What is your biggest fear?
22-Where would you most like to be right now?
23-Where would you least like to be right now?
24-What nationality are you?
25-What is your favorite scent?
26-Color or black and white photographs?
27-How long do you really take to get ready in the morning?
28-Do you dance in the car?
29-What is your favorite part of the day?
30-What is your favorite season?
31-Sunrises or sunsets?
32-What is your favorite flower?
33-what is your favorite color?
34-When do you prefer to shower?
35-Have you been outside of the United States?
36-Where would you like to visit, US and Internationally?
37-Do you prefer to drive or be the passenger?
38-What is your dream home? (location and house design)
39-When you're made to you sulk up or talk about it?
40-What do you prefer to sleep in?
41-How many people have you dated?
42-How many people have you slept with?
43-What is your perfect date?
44-What is the best gift someone has ever given you?
45-What did you want to be when you grew up?
46-What level of PDA do you generally show?
47-Do you have any phobias?
48-Is is creepy or cute to wake up to your partner watching you sleep?
49-Is it weird or a turn on to wake up receiving oral?
50-What are you allergic to?
51-What is your favorite type of museum?
52-Do you like theme parks?
53-Favorite article of clothing?
54-How many pillows do you sleep with?
55-What is your favorite cereal?
56-Preferred partner grooming level?
57-Have you ever been cheated on?
58-Have you ever cheated?
59-Craziest place you've had sex?
60-Preferred undergarments, on yourself and a partner?
61-Little spoon or big spoon?
61-Most erotic place you can be touched?
63-Feelings about strap-ons?
64-How often would you have sex preferably?
65-Favorite place to take time alone?
66-Do you like having your hair played with?
67-What do you go to first on the playground?
68-Favorite snack food?
69-What's your favorite color?
70-Do you have and piercings or tattoos?

This blog has been a long time coming and yet much of it has only come to me tonight, well fully materialized itself. I love going new places and being shown things I've been looking for the words/images/means of expression for but been unable to communicate myself.

I don't know where to begin this, it has many beginnings, instances that have sparked different thoughts.

Tonight I watched a slide show/performance that hit home and re-sparked my desire to say something about this internal and external struggle with gender, gendering myself, and being gendered by others. I watched images of women from television, newspapers, magazines, etc be displayed as clothing with terms were removed and destroyed, symbolizing at least to me the ripping off and disconnecting from them. Words like women, beauty, sex, princess...words that have and are connected to me by other people but are not wholly my own claim, at least not any longer. There are so many words that have been placed upon me by outsiders but they don't see what I feel, they cannot see what is on the inside looking out, they are not even on the outside looking in, they're just looking at.

I understand that for many of the people who say and do things that make me feel gendered, they do not understand the dynamic and ever present for me difference between sex and gender. While it does not leave me feeling a good feeling on the insides there are different letters, words, identifies that are used for not all of us but some of us, a group I belong to, to express these two. If you tell me I need to fill out a legal document and all of that fun, or not so fun legality of, its perjury if I don't answer in a way that the government has me listed based on what that doctor saw when he helped usher me into the world.  If that's the requirements you give me I'll put an F down on your paper...I'll go along with the discussion, I'll even be so kind as to fill out the affirmative action paperwork and put it there as well. But if you ask me where I put myself and really care to listen and care about my story I'll tell you something more along the lines of GQ, genderqueer, I'll go into the details you need or want. I'll speak to you to whatever end you wish to hear. If you catch me on a day when I'm not as sharing, or you feel a little less open to the whole discussion I'll just tell you to put me in the M box.

Just had an interesting and out of the blue realization. I have since childhood looked at the things my father did and wanted to be more like him, do things with him, envied my cousin for the time he spent with my dad, the things they did together. I always thought it was just being a daddy's girl and jealous of his time spent with anyone else, but maybe it was deeper than that. (Truth: I gagged a little on the use of the term daddy's girl in reference to myself. I was definitely a little girl back then but it still bites a bit.)

So here's the realization and its kinda short and I dunno I haven't really thought fully into it but I felt the need to put it down while it was freshly in my head as not to forget that I had it and recognized it as something of importance to my thoughts on how I got here. I wonder if it has taken as long as it has for me to openly see my genderqueer self and fully feel the feelings of discomfort because of the birth control I was on for nearly ten years. When you have visual cues of masculinely identified traits they give you this to "correct" it. I just wonder if though that was not the intended purpose of my use that side effect produced itself. Maybe I would have wound up shaped, voiced, etc differently if I hadn't had so many issues with hormone levels. The fact that hormone level increase corrected my issue says to me that I didn't have enough of them and maybe life would be different if I hadn't popped a pill to "fix" that.

Ok, maybe they are totally unrelated and nothing would be different except I would have suffered more for the things that plagued me in those ten years. Maybe I'm just finally at a place with myself and the world where I don't care if people think I am different or strange, where I know there are safety nets and support systems that are available if I really need them. As much as I know that maybe its about the nurture sense right now...something inside churns from wondering if maybe there's some nature at play here too. Maybe there is both.

Its days like today, days I don't have often but they tend to plant themselves within my coming out processes that I think, I really wish I had not been so sheltered, I wish I had been allowed to see the people who are the "other" in our society. I grew up in Detroit and I can tell you a lot about families that were roughing it and kids that were only eating lunch because they couldn't afford to eat at home. I can tell you about the fact that it took me a long time to realize that my friends that had darker skin didn't simply tan better. I had a good deal of things that were open to me, but I think they were out of simply being there not anyone who was nurturing me wishing them into existence.

I however didn't know anything about being gay or it being a possible lifestyle, yeah that's what we'll call it, until my cousin came out and it was so shamefully discussed with me that I didn't ask what it was or think about it as a option for me. Even though I had already done homosexual things by that time, not that anyone outside of the person I had done them with knew. It took me stumbling upon a GSA in high school to really get any word on what it was, what it meant and be told, that while the bible says its so wrong which I don't even know that I had heard that argument yet, its just about who we love and its just as natural as being heterosexual.

As for trans, genderqueer, differently gendered etc, that took til high school too. I was introduced to the idea while I was in my senior year of high school and it spoke to me but I wasn't really sure how to get on board. I had been so heavily cultured into my femaleness that getting outside of that box was strange. I loved and appreciate the people I saw taking steps outside of the box of the sex they were born to, but felt behind, unaware, silly to try to open up the possibilities for myself, I told myself I was a girl, I liked girly things and just needed to stop trying to get on board with something I thought was a trendy thing. I thought it was just something new and different and forced myself not to think too much about it. Really I held myself back, how stupid was I? More afraid, I was just starting to come out as not straight and that was charging high enough tolls as it was.

Now though, now I'm starting to think through it more and realize this isn't just trendy, this is who I am. I've just got to allow myself to open up to it.

A Friend From the Past--someone you lost in any way

There are these inspirations,
they say you pick who stays and goes,
but I never would have let you go.
I barely got to knowing you,
I remember little moments,
weekends together and fast one's I tried to pull.
They say not many knew the things I learned,
it all just seemed so natural to have caught you that one time,
you know what I'm talking about,
it took years for me to tell anyone what I saw that day.
but once I finally caught the nerve to share what had happened,
that's when I finally realized why you reacted in the way you did,
you were gonna beat my butt so bad...
I just thought you were crazy.
I always thought you were a little off your rocker,
but I figured that was a southern grandmothers thing,
hell years later I met me another one,
she brought back some of the funniest memories.
When I lost her it was a little like losing you again too.
I have so few memories of you,
just wasn't old enough to hold onto everything,
I remember bits and pieces,
at the strangest of times.
Something happens and I'm drawn back,
bits and pieces but never wholes,
just bits and pieces,
until slowly if I'm lucky I'll put together most of a story.
I've just got these little things.
My obsession with juicy fruit.
My longing for welfare cheese,
it really does make the best grilled cheese ever!
Oh and don't forget Vernor's Colada,
drinking those puts me at ease,
and can right so many things.
If it was my choice I'd crash into those memories,
I'd run headlong into anything there was to collect of what we did,
drive myself carelessly into that like kids on dodgems.
I wish at six I would have known how much I had lost,
known better how to hold onto you and our memories,
I was only six when you became my last grandmother.
At that age if I had known what I know now,
I never would have complained about a single day,
I would have spent more time with you,
asked you to tell me more of your story.
Beyond what they told me about you I didn't,
I don't know much.
I know you're from the south and you grew up on a farm,
at least that's why you said you refused to drink milk...
all the drinking straight from the cow made you full of milk,
you didn't need any more after all of those years.
I just knew I loved you and repeated the things I heard said.
You never seemed to hold any of the stuff I repeated against me.
Only ever telling me to knock it off when I was being too crazy,
like trying to eat your whole brick of cheese in a day...
I think that thing was my weight in cheese.
If I had known then that Vernor's Coladas would be a pick-me-up,
I wouldn't have thought my parents were crazy for buying the stuff every time I came over.
Regardless of their intentions they gave me something to hold onto you with and I'm thankful.
While I'm talking of the things that keep me thinking of you in the happiest of ways,
we've got this obsession with juicy fruit,
I know it has to do with you,
in the way that winterfresh is about Grama...
but you see I remember why I attach that to her but I don't really know why juicy fruit is you...
I imagine you must have chewed it...
trying to think back to our time together in your apartment,
I'm drawing nothing but blanks.
I can nearly recall every rug burn I got from that hallway running for your door,
sitting here now I can picture taking a walk down that hall.
Back in those days I would have sworn you were clairvoyant,
the way I wouldn't say anything but you'd still look over and tell me off.
You were just trying to tame me,
that's about the only way you at your age and with all of your medical crap,
was going to keep up and put up with me at such a young and wild-child age.
There is no way your agility was anywhere near that of me,
I was young and a crazy little dancer,
who could get away with just about anything,
mostly because I could get away from nearly anyone.
If only holding onto everything would have been easier,
your value in my life hadn't been so obscure to me back then.