I can't figure out how to even begin to talk about this, this is something entirely new to my world, I don't think I have the words in my vocabulary. I have a pretty great vocabulary, in the arena of discussing relationships I almost never have a lose for words . When it comes to figuring out how to express how I feel, how others feel, the ins and outs of how or why I've pretty much got no shortcomings what-so-ever. I may take issue to expressing my feelings, espeically when they feel bigger than life, directly to the face of the one they're towards but I've still always got the words to process out somewhere. In this case I find myself using cliches and idiocycratic catch phrases. I have never felt so entirely goofy happy or stupid for someone or purely me with someone, especially not this quickly. We talk about the most awkward of topics but they just kinda roll of our tongues as if we're talking about the weather.

Love Like...

I want a love like Johnny and June,
hell no boo,
I want a love like me and you!
Gosh that sounds so cliche...but its so damn true.
I don't want the hurt or pain they put each other through.
I want something purer to be what we do.

I want a love like Romeo and Juliet,
hell no pet,
I don't want pain for who I've choosen you to beget.
I want the love they put in songs and lovers but on a mixed cassette.
If you want the drama of thier love affair me you should forget,
I want someone who's matching me in that aspect.

If I Could Just Kiss the Girl I Am Pretty Sure I Would Like It!!!

I don't even know where to begin...
I've been seeing someone for about two weeks now, we've had one official date but we've also seen each other nearly every day. On our first date she was super nervous about hugging me when it was over, she divulged this through a text message once I had gotten home. I went and got as best a hug as was appropriate from her at work the next day.
Since then when we see each other its usually lunch before I give her a ride to work, and when she gets out of the car she always initiates a hug. We have done more than the quick meal once, which was an entire day spent together, or damn near to. We went to a movie with my cousin whom I teenagersit, then slept in our respective homes until we went to breakfast the next morning and then hung out at the mall followed by a trip to Ann Arbor, nothing super significant happened but there was a sense of really seeing into each other's world simply by the amount of time spent together.
So the moral of all of this story is I really really like her and I don't know how to, I guess you could call it, take the next step. I've had a desire on some level to kiss her since the first picture message she sent me roughly a month ago, sometimes you just look at a person and wonder what it would be like. Now a month, a date and two weeks of hanging out I still want to, and everyone I am close to who has heard this story already is giving me shit about not just doing it. IT IS SOOO NOT JUST THAT EASY!!!!! I am terrified that the reason there has not been a second official date is that we're in friends zone, that she'll freak out and not be able to be my friend if I do try to kiss her, and I'll be totally freaked out if I get rejected(I'm pretty phobic!).
So I have been googling all morning trying to figure out how one makes themself exude the kiss me vibes and how one goes for a first kiss, I'll go with gracefully. The search has come up with some pretty funny finds but not so much useful stuff, mostly because its all stuff I feel like I'm already doing or it just sounds way simpler in their words than it would be in real time.

Here is where I say anyone reading this advice please!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

the gem of my searching lol

left to my own devices i'm addicted its a crisis!

These lyrics seem to sum up what's going on right about now...

Caught me by surprise.
All I did was to sit right down,
Stare into your eyes.

Just a fool for you baby.
And I'll be your fool tonight.

Well I've been down this crazy road,
But not like this before.
Had the blues when I heard the news,
But I'm not worried no more.
-38 Special

...inexperienced at giving up...

That I am,
but dealing with women...
now that can be a way to teach me,
and pretty damn quick!

I don't know how to deal,
with this whirling,
swirling,
too damn much,
craziness!

I am so close...
to saying I quit,
and meaning it,
maybe its not a bad plan.

I dunno just not ok,
not ok with questioning,
I wonder if I'm saying,
I wonder if I'm doing,
I wonder if I'm acting,
the wrong way,
constantly!

Lyrical, Prose Forced to Poetics...Beat! No, there lacks a rhythm...

Music,
a beating,
a pulsing,
a commonality.

Commonality,
a thing in both,
a foundation in both,
a string to tie together.

One day,
taken in stride,
just a breakfast,
then a mall walk,
then a trip,
A2 comith we.

One trip,
the traffic,
the snow,
the stops...
U of M,
Chipolte,
Panera,
Chipolte again,
back to the traffic,
back to the snow,
back home.

Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!

U of M,
free money.

Chipolte,
community found.

Panera,
free food,
cheap food,
venturing back.

Chipolte,
a gift cherished.

Traffic,
Snow,
Annoying!

Home,
long enough,
only to shower.

The terror trip,
the first adventure back,
seeing the old place,
yes I went back to P707,
yes I remember our number,
I was 263 got that one too.

Soup getting achieved,
just a quick delivery,
soup delivery,
enjoy!

The thankfulness,
you're amazing,
you're the bomb,
thank you.

Your soup,
deemed worth it,
worth the terror.

Adventure off to home,
I'm staying this time!

Night well slept,
but a fear upon waking,
missing father,
he eventually checked in,
two hours later,
early morning,
not appreciated!

Now the ponderence,
a poeticesk beginning,
discussion of music,
discussion of commonality,
where did that stream go,
nowhere is the truth!

I've told much,
yet withheld just as much,
I've shared things,
words,
poetically,
lyrically,
beat fashion perhaps,
I've told nothing of substance,
what happened,
had less to do with this,
more to do with that,
yet I've given the insight of our day,
who'd've though you can give it all,
and nothing this way?!

Hang on this cliff,
the one I've left,
but don't expect me to come back,
as much as I've told I've said,
I will hold the truth of its importance,
in my depth...
fortress of secrets,
hidden where only the brave dare to go,
none come back the same,
and our secrets will be kept,
for it is only the makers,
who see what the memories have left.

(musicallities posted seperately)

The Musicallities

Such a musical day,
I want to remember every song,
but alas I don't,
so very many songs we shared.

We shared so much music,
yet the radio was so little of it,
we shared lyrics of our day,
some so random based on radio,
some so random based on topics,
something so random based on nothing.

This touch of music between us,
commonality,
drawing us in,
pushing us past comfort,
strange and new,
how'd it happen,
it's a miracle,
after all that's your name,
right.

Trying to piece it together,
tear it apart,
enough to figure out the song's name,
enough to understand why it came up,
enough to explain where it came from,
enough to explain why it is important.

What if I told you it was all meant to be,
would you believe me,
would you agree?

Everything changes but beauty remains,
something so tender I can't explain.
-Kelly Clarkson "A Moment Like This"

How can it not be,
meeting someone who,
makes you feel free to be,
who makes you feel appreciated,
who smirks and thinks others crazy,
at the though of you're the first...
person to treat me well, really.

So everything has changed,
the understanding that it's deserve,
the understanding that you are different,
the understand that this is what I want,
despite what it may be,
feeling treated well,
like a person with you.
You say you're here to make others smile,
mission successful!

The song that drug us in,
into our game of lyrical determination,
what is that song,
how does it go again,
and we started to piece it together,
first lyric of the song we got,
not in order though,

When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about

the original lyric that stared it all from me,
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad

and then the chime in of you,
When you say that you love 'em
And you really know
Everything that used to matter, don't matter no more
Like my money, all my cars
Flowers, cards and candy
Said I'm fortunate to have you girl
I want you to know
I really adore you

and once it started it never stopped...
All my people who know what's going on
Look at your mate, help me sing my song
Tell her I'm your man, you're my girl
I'm gonna tell it to the whole wide world
Ladies say I'm your girl, you're my man
Promise to love you the best I can,
-Usher "U Got It Bad"

we decided it was only appropriate then to YouTube it,
listened to the whole thing through!

Looking out the windows at that snow and traffic,
came the lyrics of the day's descriptions,
a song new to me but appropriate,
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life,
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I am glad I survived. 
-System of a Down "Loneliest Day of My Life"
the song went on,
but this was what we really took to!

Random favorites,
I'd forgotten about,
still hitting your register,
brought back to me,
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
-Staind "Outside"
The lyrics I recalled,
the lyrics that we screamed.

It was among the few,
the few that we listened to,
that happened upon us,
from the radio speakers,
"Just the Way You Are"-Bruno Mars,
hit a sync,
without meaning to,
I signed it,
you noticed,
interestingly fun time,
a single interesting interaction,
who'd've guessed,
no one ever notices that.

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile,
cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

A grand turning point,
where our sing along,
became don't forget the lyrics,
and the musical of our day,
took root.

I was thinkin' about her, thinkin' bout me!
Thinkin' 'bout us, what we gonna be.
Open my eyes, it was only just a dream.
So, I travel back, down the road.
When she'll come back? No one knows.
I realized that it was only just a dream.
-Usher? Nelly? "Just a Dream"

Last to be mentioned,
second to be heard,
only to not really matter,
the beat was great,
made us start our Usher debate,
fin.

cruelty

My head and heart are so cruel to me! Well not really my heart, more my stomache, I mean maybe my heart has some play in it. I dunno, whatever organs of mine are in on the scheme matters not because its happening despite which ones they are.

I spend two or three days being irritable about how to move forward, why am I initiating conversation all the time, why did I go a whole day with not response, why do I randomly not get responses when I feel like they should have come already. Feeling like I said something stupid and freaking out that I might be done talking forever, going nuts over every little thing.

Today, I pick the lets see if you contact me game, you do, I even get you to come out and do stuff with me and D. Ok so now you want me to go do something entirely foolish and instead of feeling the need to play the hard to get card some more like hte you contact me game was intended, I'm actually planning to do it.

Why I am letting one person throw me through a gammet of reactions within several days, even hours, I don't get it. Grrrrrrrrrr I hope this doesn't bite me in the ass, I've had enough of that for a bit!

...hold tight...

yes i do…
i want you to hold me,
is it wrong to want you to?
you asked me if i did the other night,
i responded with a sidelong look.
maybe you didn’t understand what it meant,
my look meant dear god please do.
i don’t think you got that.
guess if there is a next time you ask,
my answer will have to be please do.
just be more forward about wants/needs…
then you’ll be less shy or nervous,
then you’ll wrap your arm around me,
then you’ll feel comfortable hugging me,
then maybe you’ll more than hug me,
then you’ll sit closer during our movies,
then you wont bite your nails,
then you’ll get its not a mistake,
you’ll understand I’m touching you purposefully.
i hope you ask me again,
i really truly do.

by the light of a neon moon

You approach and whisper sweet nothings in her ear
and all she hears is your gentle breath as she clings to every word
all she feels is your lips gently, swiftly moving,
her heart beating slower and faster all at the same time
and then, then she realizes that this feeling
this feeling she would love to feel again and again.
That tingle traveling down her spine,
paralyzing yet invigorating
without a doubt everything her dreams ever had in store
everything she ever dreamed for and more.
In these moments is when she comes to realize
she wants every little bit you have to give
and knows its her's to have if only she were to ask
your ability to do this she adores
as she's told you time and again.

saturday...

If I had to describe a perfect Saturday...


Waking up to the pitter-patter of little feet running, getting closer and closer with every second. Rolling over and kissing you good morning, feeling that exhilarating feeling it alone can give. Both propping ourselves up in the bed, waiting for this visitor we're going to be getting. Nuzzled up near the head of the bed just awaiting the gorgeous little face we’ll see at any moment now. Hear the doorknob start turning and see that little face peek around the door. Without a moment of hesitations watch our little one come running and jumping up into the bed, scamper quickly up between us as we wrap them in our love. Lean back just the three of us, turn on music or cartoons and lay in bed talking about everything and nothing because we’re happy where we are.
Start to hear our tummies grumble and plot what breakfast should be. Head into the kitchen laughing and talking ready to cook. Put that gorgeous little one in a seat at the island to watch and still be close, while we pull out all the fixin's and start to cook. Waffles with fruit topping and whip cream, eggs with hot dogs and cheese in them, all the yummiest things we could think of all for the three of us. All the while we’re cooking being playful and just smiling and laughing, making silly faces and placing gentle kisses in passing.
Nothing but smiles and happiness, just one perfect day out of the week. Lie around and watch movies, play games, color in coloring books. Go to the park and swing on the swings, slide down the big slide, run across the bridges and crawl through the tunnels. Get ice cream on the way home or go home and make banana splits. Have comfort foods for lunch and/or dinner, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, or hearty stew. Or give in and make whatever it is our little one wants for dinner.
Curl up on the couch or in a pile of blankets on the floor and cuddle our little one to sleep. Carry them to their bedroom and tuck them into bed, placing gentle kisses on their forehead. Stand there in the doorway looking at this child of ours, once so tiny getting bigger with every passing day, this life we are responsible for, this child we adore. Stand there holding onto one another for what will never be long enough for as soon as we leave they will begin to change and grow, as soon as we blink once our child is a second older and closer to being all grown up. Walking off down the hall holding hands as we put the last few things left out of place into order and then take ourselves to bed.
Slip into our room and without words begin to undress each other. Watch closely all that is uncovered; memorize the shape and feel of each others body, the touch the other leaves on our own skin. Kiss deeply one another, in an effort to show just how much love we give the other. Just stand there holding each other close and placing gentle kisses on occasion. Finally pulling away from one another as one of us leads the way to the shower. Turn on the water and let it begin to warm the entire room as we stand there holding each other not wanting to let go. Slip into the shower and feel the warmth come over our bodies as we both fall under the streams of water. Gently run our fingers through each others hair and lean close for yet another breathtaking kiss. With only gentle whispers when necessary bath one another with care. Give kisses and run fingers and hands over each other’s body. Hold the other close and let them feel your love flowing out of every pore. Turn off the water and dry ourselves and each other off. Go back into our room and slip into bed, cuddle close and go to sleep. The last thing remembered before going to sleep is the sound of the other whispering I love you.

bitter-sweet...

She falls asleep,
to the bitter-sweet,
rhythmic melodies,
inside her head,
of hopes and dreams.
Yet she fears,
because she fell inlove with you,
but she is unsure,
"did you ever fall inlove with me?"
Though you said it and still do,
she still wonders,
tries not to regret,
and disbelieves,
the simple things,
she hopes you meant,
and still mean.
The things you said,
echoing,
inside her head,
as she dreams,
in disbelief.

She falls asleep,
into a slumber so sweet,
in disbelieve,
of the sweet things,
you said,
still echoing,
inside her head,
breaking her heart,
and,
soon she'll have to be,
making up her mind,
in you does she see,
what she needed to find?

into the soul

Why I began to fall is not clear,
but I long to find myself in the depths of your soul,
by looking deep into your eyes,
find a crack in the corners of your smile...
to sneak in through.

If only I could learn everything by watching you sleep,
in those tiny moments inbetween,
inbetween everything,
everything you say and do,
everything everyone sees of you,
Your gestures give it all way,
yet they still keep your secrets...
some how persuading me,
to leave my line of questioning.

Everyone notices something,
but I notice everything...
you stand differently,
you walk differently,
you speak differently,
but only with me.

Others listen to your words passively,
I lust after them and long to hear all that you think.

Some how I only need from you is nothing and everything,
at the same time.
I want everything you are and can be,
I want nothing you are not or cannot be...
All I want is you and some how that is more than enough for me.

apparently I've been writing these for ages...

Looking out for this:
midnight car rides to absolutely nowhere with someone who
understands the entire point of the game is just to play it
kisses that scramble your brain processes and numb your body
but to the tingles and sparks they create in you

that person who helps you understand the statement
"Time Flies When You're Having Fun"
that touch that stops everything, not long enough
to be noticed by anyone else but the two of you,
but lets you know that there is something absolutely perfect
 and magical there

that voice that can make you forget your fears and
help you to dry your tears

that look that both calms and excites you,
 even when its just for a split second across a crowded room

that one who sees past all of the fronts

the one who in perfect silence you can express so much more
than can be said with anyone else in words

the one who makes you say, "so we do all that shit I've always
made fun of others for, but I don't even care that they're making
fun of us for it now"

that one whom as you scamper off to curl up in your corner
with the things you use to bring yourself warmth and comfort,
a part of all you use to woo yourself to sleep is thoughts of them

global emoticon

and there I am momentarily gone again
lost in the light hiding for me in your eyes
the sweet subtlety in your touch
feel my heart rush
lost in sweet elegance of your voice
what you say matters not
but I push myself to stay listening
to be here on the surface with you
I fight against my own will
I want to be lost in you
irrational over you
feel as never before because of you
you used to let me
welcome me into the nothing that for me was everything
I'm lost as how to proceed from here
do I find faults to run fast quickl
do I drop roots give all of me into this thing
I'm desperately trying to figure out where's the me
should I want any of anything you offer to me
is it wrong to want so whole heartedly
what you've never dreamed was your's to have half heartedly
I dream but how can this be
life beyond the fantasy
what do I owe thee
what do you expect of me
how is it that I cannot wake of this dream
oh please if there is but a higher being
let this fall at my feet shattered glass
the looking glass of my dreams
or make it not fragile enough to ever be such a thing
I feel myself drawn so wholly into it
will sooner now surrender everything
everything I cannot stand to lose
so this must be broken now
or eternal
no room for the in-between
so now I wonder
goddess
angel
what do you think
can you give this to me
you promised never to hurt me
so don't
give me my longed for eternity
please beautiful girl
learn nothing but to love me
do nothing but love me
be you the woman who will always love me
or be gone as harsh as it may be

...emotions...

I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
fear me and the damage,
you alone are capable of.

I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
I will likely crumple,
I but a frailty in your hands.

I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
I like dried out flowers,
disintegrating at your touch.

I am fragile,
dare not touch me,
my heart is shattered,
damage you have already done.

Twenty-Five List

Roughly two years ago there was this trend on facebook to put up a list of twenty-five I guess you could call them facts or confessions.


These are those I wrote then...I think they're pretty much the same these days, I read through and made minor adjustments...seems I'm not changing very quickly.


#1
When I filled this in I couldn't decided on what should be most or least important I just filled the spaces in completely out of order. I couldn't figure out what to do with number one; no matter what, whatever I put here, it gives off an impression of me, so I decided to tell you how I filled it in. This says something about me, this says something really big...I just hope no one understands it because its a trait I'm not entirely proud of myself for...yet.


#2
For a very long time I had absolutely zero nicknames and I hated it, and then now I look at it and realize I have a lot of them, they just kinda happened and as much as some of them are only one person I love it. They make me feel like I have accomplished something, they make me feel kinda important, I dunno I like it though.


#3
I never give up on people, they may fall out of my life and we don't talk for a very long time but somewhere deep down I will always care for you if I have ever cared for you. I am always just on the other end of a post card, note, letter, phone call, shit stop by and visit I don't care, I am always there. I have one hundred and seventy-seven numbers in my phone and I use on average probably ten of them in any given month. I keep any mode of communication I have/had with a person just in case they need me, trust me there have been people who've suddenly popped back in...and been surprised that I hadn't deleted them from my life.


#4
I love my family to death but I am not very close to any of them any more, I've lived so far from half of them that things kinda just never formed to amazingly there and I'd love to make it happen, I really am debating on moving to be near them after everything is over just to be able to be close to them because I feel like they're the more closely knit, family typed side of my family. I have lived near the other side of the family all of my life and I feel like they've come to a point where almost everyone has become completely involved in their own lives and its just pointless to drag them out of it, they still get together for the holidays specifically but it just doesn't feel like enough.

#5
I am in a sorority and for as much shit as I get for it I still love it, and the girls. Almost everyone I know thinks its hilarious that I would do something like that to myself and can't believe it, I don't know if they ever will some of them. As much shit as I get and get put through to be a part of this, I feel like these ladies are a big part of my life and I'm grateful for them, even the ones that drive me up the wall every chance they get. They are my family and always will be, its taken me a very long time to realize what they mean and be able to say it out loud but they're very important and very much so family to me.


#6
I have dated more guys than girls and this fact often shocks people.


#7
Since I have come out, I have slowly but surely become more and more butch in appearance and attitude. Each time I come out to a new person, I think the person I am tends to comes out just a little bit more. (I now realize that this is oh so true, the only thing is that I have also  realized that I can be whomever I want to be. I am now coming to terms with being whomever I want to be and I love it! I am pretty much so fully out and learning with it to be fully me in every way that I have dropped to stop just fitting into what others expect of me and picked up whatever I want to to be me.)


#8
I am a blonde and I feel like I break the stereotypes. I don't tend to have any more "blonde moments" than anyone with not a single blonde hair in their head. I say or do silly and totally off the wall, make no sense things sometimes...but its not because of my hair color, I blame my friends for rubbing off lol, that and I figure with how perfectly logical, mother hen I am 90% of the time, at least, I need to have some pretty big totally off moments to reconcile that I am no where near the age to be doing that for everyone. I'm still a kid for the most part and well the silly stuff balances it out so I seem to maybe act my age every once in a while.


#9
I have always had a house to go to but for a very long time I have not really considered anywhere home. I've been trying to make somewhere home so I tend to say I am going home whenever I am going to anywhere I will be staying for awhile, both of my parents houses and school have gotten this title in the last few years. I recently thought I was going to find myself a home, but those plans fell through so we'll see if I get them again.


#10
I have never had sex with anyone of the male species, as far as I know. I have had plenty of opportunities and did not take them, and will likely not be taking any any time soon. I do however think that I will try to make a baby the all natural way if I ever do decide to get pregnant.


#11
I feel as though I can safely say I've been truly in-love once in my twenty years. I fell very quickly for this person, I loved them with my entire heart, I know for certain that they will always be a part of who I am, especially because they have effected my manorisms and speech patters in their time in my life. I can honestly say that I don't feel like I made any mistakes with them, I look back and wish I would have done some things now but I think they'd have been great but were not things to regret not doing. I have loved many before that person, I will likely love many after that person, but no one will ever be that person and I am not yet sure if I will be truly in-love again after them, I can only hope.
(Side note: this is the only one that I put on a specific number for a specific reason.)


#12
No matter what my life turns out to be, I know for certain that I want it to be something worth someone remembering. I want to be in someone's heart when I pass away. I want people to remember me for something nice I said or did, something life changing that I was apart of, I just don't want to be gone forever when I die, I want to live on in someone's memory for just a little while longer than I live on in this world.


#13
I have this saying and I think it's true...I am the girl your parents didn't warn you about, but they should not feel bad for not warning you about me because I try to be someone they truly hoped you would meet. I want to be the person parents love that their child has.


#14
I have fallen out of touch with a lot of people in my life, my plans to go home for school I think will be good for getting myself reacquainted with these people, I have numbers and addresses and I really think I'll try to put them to good use and see these people because they have really made me the person I am, they were best friends, first crushes, the family that isn't really related but they are just or more important.

#15
I am terrified of the future, I think I've started to figure some things out, like where I want to go to grad school, a decision that was really needing to be come up with pretty quickly, but I don't really have my life figured past that. I know I want to go somewhere that isn't home and do something amazing for people, I really think I'm going to pursue the corrections end of social work, it just feels right and I think it might be fun to do that in a big city. I just don't know where to go, I fear change so often and hate being all alone in new places so I don't know what to do. I'd like to move really far away but I think I'd be afraid to never see anyone again, and I am most afraid that I'll wind up staying home for the rest of my life, I mean get a place of my own but never branch out and do the things I've put into my head that I need to do for me.


#16
I don't like new places, they terrify me, I don't like being alone in the world and I've always felt like a small not even blimp on the radar. I am good at going places when I have just one or two people I know I can fall back on, sorta my fail safe so that I don't have to instantly start finding new people and figuring things out past just surviving. I am constantly told that I leave a great mark on all those who know me, or of me and in high school one of our star football players put me down as his senior crush, I didn't even know my name was known in those kinds of circles...


#17
I love quotes, I don't always remember them but I do love them. I could probably sit around and read them all day and not be bored. I get them sent to my phone and need to start putting them on my computer so that I can continue to receive text messages since they're clogging up my inbox far too much.


#18
I don't think I've really truly worked my ass off for anything in my life. This is not because I am lazy, I just haven't ever really wanted something outside of my ability to get with little or no work. My parents have always taken exceptionally good care of me and had the money to give me things like a college education, clothes on my back, food to eat, those wonderful things. I have never been one to be exceptionally materialistic, if I want it and I can't afford it I generally realize I don't really need it or I can have it later when I can afford it, I've saved a few times for stuff but I didn't have to bust my ass to get the savings together. I dunno maybe I need to expect more of and for myself but I just don't tend to see the point.


#19
I was one of those people who went to college knowing exactly what they wanted to do with their life, major already figured out and declared...and then I changed my mind. I don't know if I changed my mind because of the program here not being one that I was interested in being a part of or if it was truly about wanting to pursue something different than what I started with, I stayed fairly close to my original goals for a year and a half before I changed my mind. I know however now that regardless of what got me here I really think I'll be happy with what I am doing and would never have quite found my way to it in the original choice I came in with made up for myself. I have far more passion for this and will do a better job in the end I feel.


#20
I am a major flirt, I don't do it on purpose, I tend to not notice when I am doing it,and apparently even my shy tendencies come off as cute and flirty. More recently I've come to realize that I flirt in many ways common to boys and girls, and depending on whether or not I really like someone changes which I end up doing more...


#21
I define myself as monotheistic, this scares my father for reason I don't understand. This for me atleast simply means, I believe there is one higher being, for simplicity sake I tend to call this being God. I believe that this being has a hand in all that has and will happen in the life of everyone and everything everywhere. I am completely open to hearing what others thoughts are, but I hate when I am made to feel stupid because I can't quote you back the bible or tell you somewhere to find exactly why I have the feelings I do about things...my feelings about religion and my own religion have come from my own experiences, my own interactions and reactions to "my God", I have always had this understanding of God being like a best friend, someone who you can tell anything and everything and while it is said that they already know it all, I still stand by the idea of free-will so God does nothing about it until I have asked for something to be done, at least in matters that need be my choice.


#22
I do not know much of my life but two things I have always know is that I want to have a home of my own, with or without a spouse, though I'd love to have someone by my side through this crazy game of life. Also, I want to have children, adopted, birthed, fostered...however it works I want them and I want to make a very good impact on their lives.


#23
I read through other peoples lists of twenty five as I was writing mine to come up with ideas for what to write about myself because I don't tend to think about who I am and what that means very often so I hit a wall on coming up with my own ideas of what might be good to know about me.


#24
I constantly underestimate myself and get yelled at about it. I just don't think I am all that special and the things that people see about me to be special I feel like are things that everyone should have or do. Why is is soo great to get good grades, be kind to others, care about people who may or may not care about you, see someone having a hard time or bad day and actually want to do something to make their life better even if its just for a second to stop and make them smile...I dunno I guess I'm different than most in these regards.


#25
I rely on people far more than I should sometimes and I think that's a reason why they love me. As bad as it is I don't think I'll ever change that about myself, I am learning to be more independent and self reliant I just don't want to ever become completely capable of taking care of myself entirely without anyone else. I want to grow up to have a rock...I don't care what anyone else thinks of it, I want to have someone who keeps me rooted where I am and takes care of me whenever I need it, whether I want it or not.


( This is sorta like an extra one...this took me far longer than I expected it to, I put myself under the microscope and really thought about these so I really hope that you have read all of these and enjoyed them because I put myself on the line and really forced myself to think a lot while writing this.)

tears

cry those tears beautiful
cry them ever so queitly
cry them into your pillow
cry them for yourself
cry them for others who wont
cry it out there is no other way
cry it out maybe it will pass
cry, cry, cry...
cry without anyone knowing
cry to the silence of your room

do whatever you have to,
just get rid of it!

whatever you do,
crying
is
THE
only
outlet
you
are
allowed!

Princess Boy

NBC News Proudly Presents 'The Princess Boy'

Any semblance of objectivity grew fairy wings and flew out the window on the January 3 broadcast of NBC'S "Today Show." Host Meredith Vieira promoted a book by Cheryl Kilodavis, titled "My Princess Boy," an illustrated children's book that promotes the tolerance of cross-dressing boys.
NBC's "Today's Family" segment featured Kilodavis and her son Dyson in an eight-minute story and interview. Dyson likes to wear girls' clothes and do girl things. Mom likes to make money off her son's proclivities. And "Today" wants to educate viewers about "tolerating" little boys who wear dresses. The a perfectly unbalanced segment full of liberal propaganda drew on the opinion of only one expert. Not surprisingly, he was squarely in favor of widespread acceptance, praising the mother for her boldness.

Reality over Fantasy

• Someone who feels like home
• Someone who can always be my first call
• Someone who makes me feel safe and protected
• Someone who knows how to make everything okay with a call or a hug
• Someone I never feel bad about wanting or needing for any reason
• Someone who when cuddled up together
  *nothing else matters
  *there is a complete sense of safety
  *all that has gone bad can be forgotten
• Someone that respects when I don’t want to talk about something, but is also all ears when I do.
• Someone who can be the source of a smile when I really need a happy distraction.
• Someone who knows that I can bold my own in hearted arguments, but doesn’t assume I like to have them
• Someone who is honest, and has no desire to lie to me
• Someone who is kind and compassionate
• Someone who wont cheat, and if they did they would be honest about it
• Someone who can be supportive of individuals goals, even when they add short term barriers to the relationship
• Someone who is not regularly passive-aggressive with me
• Someone who understand the weight of a promise and thus keeps all those they can
• Someone who loves me with only one condition, I love them as well.
• Someone who makes me feel like a priority
• Someone who understands that not everything will always be easy and we may have hard times where we have to work for our relationship
• Someone who sees all of my little imperfections and loves me for them not despite them
• Someone who knows love is not something that can be expressed simply through purchasable
• Someone who does not seek to always keep score (wrongs, sacrifices made, etc)
• Someone who does not have a defeatist attitude, especially when it is about our relationship
• Someone who can hold their own in intellectual conversation, or at least listen gracefully and learn something
• Someone who is passionate, whatever the topic

Mourning

There is a place where mourning begins.
There is also a place where mourning ends.
I await that place where it ends.
A place where we all live out second life,
which never ends.
A life where we all have enough time,
with all those we wish to have time with.
Where we don't fight over things,
any more serious than who loves who most,
in the silliest of tones.
A place where love is never wrong,
and we are free to love as we wish to love.
A place where light always wins,
hope always endures,
and love is alive,
everywhere.

redefining self

The predicament...

Going on a date where I feel out butched is a really an interestingly strange place for me to be. I have never felt out butched by anyone I've ever been with, there has always been some element of the relationship that left butchness of each member of the pair relatively equivalent. Even when I identified femme of center I never found myself feeling out butched, which is really a strangely powerful statement when considered.

As someone who has come to really find butch of center a place I can call home it is a strange feeling to feel out butched, I don't have an issue with it, I know that there are a great deal of individuals who are "more butch" than me. There are tons of characteristics that one attributes to butchness and I am very aware that I am not as butch as the stereotypical butch with all of the tough around the edges and emotionally in control, all of that "boi crap". There have just not been situations where I have been interested mutually in someone who leaves me with that feeling.

Despite my butch of center identification, this sense of being out butched and the grrl is an interestingly strange and new homely place. I've never really found myself falling into the hetero normalizing of my relationships. The idea that one person is the boi and the other the grrl has never appealed to me, maybe because it has simply never happened or maybe because I don't like it, I don't know that I've ever had to consider that before. I have always been a soft butch, I've always embarrassed the position. I have always had an attraction to others who are identified as butch of center as well. With that said I think there has been so much of no need for boi and grrl because there is so much equality in the butch-ness and femme-ness and whatever-ness there is to be present in a person. I have never found the proportions of a relationships to be quite as cut and dry as to be placed into the hetero normative positions.Being in the situation to have to think about it, I don't mind it so much. Strangely enough, when discussing the fact that it was once said, "I am the boi," about a family questioning session; I couldn't help but think, "yes you are!" and even smile a little at the though.

All of this brings back my once present far more femininely expressed physical presentation. The way that I was when I first began to accept my own orientation, when I kept myself far more feminine in an effort to "pass".  Since then I've noticed myself moving towards a far more masculine presentation, being the butch boi that I am expected to be based on some of the internal identifications and the far more stereotypical "lesbian" look and feel. I'm really noting that my choice to present that way is a lot less to do with my personal desires to physically look the way I do and more to do with how I am expected to. I'm growing into being myself whatever that means and despite what that makes others feel or think, but seemingly this being out butched and the grrl in the situation really seems to be a great place to be with this new choice. Having a sense of being in a place to be whoever I will, and that it'll be taken at face value, that I am not expected to be anything more or less than exactly who I am. There feels like so much more of a I want to know what this can be than expectations of who or what I am or should be.

Thinking about all of this has left me redefining myself and my own place in the continuum, where I want to be verses where I have allowed myself to be or others perceive me to be. I still connect very whole heartedly to my butch of center identity I know that for certain. I'm finding the idea of butch and boi to not have to be synonymous, and liking it. I have not thought it needed to but the longer I do find myself identifying butch the more I've been expected to be boish. I am finding myself comfortably set into being grrl and butch and the two really coexisting in one space and person without conflict. It is an interestingly strange place to be where I feel like I can be both, after years standing behind the butch boi toughness and hardened wall. This place where I can call myself, grrl/boi/grrly boi/whatever I want to choose today is entirely gratifying and freeing. The feeling that I can be and share all of my butch of center tough and soft all at the same time.

I love the new labeling I'm finding for myself where I don't have to be anything I don't want to and can be everything I wish to...Butch Grrl, that's me and it's the best me I've ever been! Now all I have to do is figure out what the hell that even means?! This is me setting off on a new adventure to figure out how I define this new self labeling, this label that feels so much realer than just butch ever did, than boi ever did and lets me embrace grrl without the strange and uncomfortable feelings its left me with before.

Horoscopes

Leo Year 2011 Overview

This is the year of expanding your mental and physical horizons, Leo. Expect loads of travel and awesome adventure in 2011, especially between March and June when a barrage of planets enter fellow fire sign, Aries, sparking your sector of foreign travel and higher education. You'll be pondering some of the deeper existential questions like the meaning of life, who you are and why you're here on a daily basis. Nothing is taken for granted, as life becomes one giant college campus dishing out one lesson after another. An overwhelming desire to see the world, experiment with new philosophies and indulge in scholarly pursuits become potent themes for the course of this dynamic New Year!
Mental pursuits of all stripe dominant your time and attention for another year as Saturn continues his residence in your communication sector. Finding your true voice becomes a spiritual practice. Expressing yourself through carefully cultivated word choice proves especially rewarding. If you've ever wanted to write a book, learn a new language, go back to school or take up some radical new course of study, 2011 is your year to take the risk and make your literary dreams come true.
Pluto continues working you to the bone in 2011 through the extended transit in your work and health sector. You're beginning to actually get accustomed to the emotional gutting as the Lord of the Underworld dredges up each and every repressed emotional issue you've ever had with authority figures. You're coming into your own power the hard way -- but this is the kind of self-possession and confidence that becomes an integral part of your being and thus can never be taken from you.

Leo Year 2011 Romantic

Saturn, the karmic taskmaster continues his tutelage in the realm of relationships for the entire year. Expect more testing on the self-love scales as you're called to evaluate which relationships pan out in a close to equal give and take ratio and which completely suck you dry. Any and all ties that waste your time and cut into self-esteem must be severed. It's high time you know your value Leo: no more settling, and definitely no more desperate measures.
You'll no longer be able to give yourself short shrift or buy into co-dependent dynamics that put your needs on an eternal backburner. You're learning the hard way how to love yourself the way you want and deserve to be loved. Relationships must honor, dignify and respect your noble qualities to pass Saturn's stringent litmus test. But the good news is that you're learning to stand up and voice your romantic needs. No longer will you fall prey to the trap of giving in hopes of getting -- and that makes all the difference.
Beauty and love abound just in time to make it one glorious summer to remember. Venus, the goddess of beauty of love will grace your regal constellation. Book special beauty treatments, give yourself plenty of playtime and vamp up your online profile because mating season will have officially begun. And just as things start to get interesting Mars joins the romantic cause. The libidinal planet brings sexy back in October and November.