super heros

Topic: Who is/was your favorite superhero? Why? (Bonus points if you owned the Underoos)

I was never really encouraged in my butcher ways as a child, ballet was much more acceptable in my home. This being said I never really got into the whole super heros following as a child with comics or cartoons. I still haven’t really gotten around to much of it but based on the super hero knowledge I have acquired later in life I’d say its a tie between Spiderman and Batman. I really like Spidy’s story and the movies. However Batman has a pretty awesome story himself, and well maybe some of the movies are a little as a friend once put it out right DUMB! that’s the directors not the hero.
All of that being said, I tend to lean towards Batman more, for the silliest of reasons but its my own and I own it. One of my ex fiancee’s best friends gave me the nickname of Batman. This happened when he saw a picture of me on her phone and thought that I was her boyfriend because of the butchness of my appearance in it. She then showed him a picture of me much more femininely dress and he then decided I looked so differently between the two that I must have an alterego like a super hero. This was the day when butch me became Batman and femme me became Bruce Wayne.
As for owning the underoos, I’ll do you one better, I’ve got a full get up (boxers,t-shirt, and hat)…that I may wear on occasion to “strut my stuff” lol.

accesorizing lol

Topic: What one accessory or piece of clothing makes you feel the most butch?

I would have to say my hats are what make me feel most butch as far as a physical item goes. I feel a sense of always being able to hide what usually is the most dictated by someone else and giving away of my femininity. I am regularly asked for various reasons to grow my hair out and my ball caps and other hats are sort of my security blanket into this strange world of female identity fully visual.

favorite season

Topic: What is your favorite season? Is there one in particular that speaks to your butch identity?

My favorite season would definitely have to be Fall. The weather allows me to break out some of my favorite clothes, many of them being my more gender blending of items. The cooler weather really lends itself to these items very nicely. A big one is that Fall binding is way easier; my binding never seems to be overwhelming or sweaty to be in, its cool enough that the wearing of it makes me feel nicely warm, keeping my body heat to myself. In contrast the summer is a very unappealing time for me with binding as I get sweaty and clammy and tend to experience a good deal of breathing issues.

As for these clothing items I so love, its never too warm for a nice button down, or a sweater vest. I have a Henley that is probably one of my favorite clothing items, it makes me feel soo at home with myself and my appearance. The use of baggier clothing that hide certain more feminine features is highly possible in the fall. Along with baggier clothing its easier to layer in things that add a more masculine feel than the summer necessity to wear as little as possible whenever possible. I feel a lot of my personality expression in clothing is centered around a nice pair of jeans or fun pair of shorts (I’m especially fond of plaids), a quirky t-shirt and just right fitting hoodie, all of which feel just a little bit more me when I can use my binding, or the items themselves, to hide some things mother nature felt more necessary than I. I also find that the shoe wear for fall is much more blending for me as well, the use of closed toe seems to make me feel more masculine at least. Finally the weather being cooler is much more appealing for hats, an item I have previously blogged about being something that feels like a security blanket for me, I bring out more hats and wear them more frequently in the fall which makes me a very happy boi.

I’ve already mentioned the major reason why Summer is absolutely off the list. As for winter and spring, I’d say spring is probably a tie for this, but something about fall makes me feel more warm and fuzzy so it got the bid. Winter however has a very clear rule out like summer. Winter for me is a time of over bundling and really dressing far more for necessity than style/fashion/anything else. I like the fashionably warm looks I can pull off in Fall. I also find that no matter how hard I wish for it, my body does not conform to the traditional cuts of a male body, this being said many winter jackets and other masculinely defined winter items fit me in the “boyfriend’s jeans” kinda way…I don’t want them to look like I stole them from a boy, I want to look like I’m the boi who’s closet they are from.

openess...

Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.

Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.

Ideologies

I would like to think that I have always been aware that everyone approaches situations with their own individual set of ideologies. These ideologies come from everything they have seen or heard or experienced in some fashion. What we have done is how we shape together what we wish to do again or never wish to do again. It is also contributing to the way we interpret others actions and behavior patterns and words. I have known this in many instinctual ways based if nothing else on own experience with my formation of these constructs. I was given the vocabulary to really talk about it in my studies since a big part of a social workers job is to recognize where clients are and meet them there without judgement or condemnation. Needless to say the whole topic is not one I am all too far from having a stew of thoughts going somewhere in my head.
I guess now would be where I make the point of my ramblings thus far. Even with the genuine strives towards acknowledging the fact that ideologies are present in all of us and can be found to conflict in any of a million ways on any of an infinite number of topics or rationalizations. I still find myself amazed that there is a sense of what it means to be safe and protected and loved that even among some that would seem well established to be close enough in ideology to place the statements on the topics into the world with similar constructs of meaning there is disagreement in very fundamental and crucially dividing ways.
I for one have always said that safety and security and protection are things i seek in life and thus the ability to make me feel that way a trait I seek in life partners. I am noticing what seems to be a divide in ideologies over my expression of this in my previous blog. I do not know if it is my left of center self expression that makes this desire in many senses entirely fundamentally different from that of other ideologies but i have never seen to be any great challenge to meet. I can not say I have before recently had anyone bring to my attention that it is not necessarily something they could do. It is to me a sign of fundamental differentiation that ultimately proves more in the lack of understanding or seeking of further clarification to me that shows it was a need that would not have been met not because it was impossible to ask but because the defeated attitude was already established so there would not be a high probability of trying to meet it.

Relationship Needs...

I posted this somewhere else but I've decided to start funneling everything onto here so here it is...


In relationships safe and protected are at the top of my list of feelings I look for, for it to be a mutual feeling.
There is nothing I love more than to know
1.that person can make everything okay again, even when my world's been turned on its head, with just a hug or by hearing their voice.
2.that they can be my first call, because it just makes sense to want them to make it better, and that there is never a time that I cannot call, even if its just to say hi because I miss them, but especially when I need to be talked down from a bad dream or horrible event.
3.laying down together, wrapped up in each other's arms, the world disappears because nothing matters more than that moment, and feeling the safest possible in the whole world right there.
Without a doubt I wouldn't love it nearly as much if it wasn't something that it goes both ways.