if you don't mind
i'll be just fine
if you'll just let me
let me take your hand in mine
if you don't mine
i'll be okay
as long as you don't
don't go astray
if you don't mind
i'll hold you here until eternity
just stand in this circle
this circle here with me
if you don't mind
i'll give you my heart
if you promise me you weren't
you weren't lying from the start
Monday, November 7, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
poem from back in the day...
she screams I love you [in her whispered voice] after you as you walk away
she is so very scared they are the last words she'll ever say
she hopes with all her heart and soul you've heard her exclamation
she knows whether or not you do you'll still stay turned away
she watches the tension in you change and wonders if it because of what she had to say
she wonders if you are relieved that you are gone from her to stay
she wonders if this is you happy that she's said it because you needed it, always will
she really only can wonder for now what will come of this, all of the emotions, there will be many a day
she will wait many days to find out if you are gone away or will return to stay
she will cry many tears listening to you say the things you always meant to say
she will cry many tears hearing in her own head the things she meant to say
she will be hurt for many days and night and never be quiet again alright
she is the girl you leave behind when you turn your back, out of mind and out of sight
she is so very scared they are the last words she'll ever say
she hopes with all her heart and soul you've heard her exclamation
she knows whether or not you do you'll still stay turned away
she watches the tension in you change and wonders if it because of what she had to say
she wonders if you are relieved that you are gone from her to stay
she wonders if this is you happy that she's said it because you needed it, always will
she really only can wonder for now what will come of this, all of the emotions, there will be many a day
she will wait many days to find out if you are gone away or will return to stay
she will cry many tears listening to you say the things you always meant to say
she will cry many tears hearing in her own head the things she meant to say
she will be hurt for many days and night and never be quiet again alright
she is the girl you leave behind when you turn your back, out of mind and out of sight
open up...
I wrote this just under a year ago and just found it, felt like sharing, maybe I shared it then too but I like it enough to post twice!
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
refuse to be written
Its interesting to me how things work. I sat down about two weeks ago to write a post about the feelings that were weighing on me with the relationships I was engaged in. I was polyamourously dating two of my close friends and while not looking for anyone new had found myself completely infatuated with someone I'd just met. This someone new being really only interested in monogamous relationships.
I was caught in this place of being unsure how I was feeling and where my strongest desires lied. There was something about my someone new that made me so much more content and happy and at peace with life than the other two. While I love my friends they were not necessarily making me as happy as I think I deserve. I started with one friend and our relationship seemed to be slowly killing itself starting with unmet promises, several times over, that seemed insignificant at the time but were adding up. Along with the promises was the stress of being three hundred miles apart. There was a change in the emotional connectivity of the relationship as well, something I was told I would have to live with because she was really this way not that way I had originally encountered. So as things compiled themselves leading to a break down in the relationship someone else was adding to my dilemma and making me happy by just being around, making it hard for me to keep just putting up with things.
Somewhere in the midst of my first relationship breaking down the second friend entered into the mix. We connected in a way that felt good and added to the original relationship. Along with the addition of a third partner came the reorganizing of priorities and new promises with the first partner. Things seemed great for a short period of time but surely began to fall apart. Contact with both of the friends was reduced and nearly non-existent once again with the second partner. All of the promises made with the first began to be broken like what had happened previously. Along with these break downs was the entering of the new someone and being made aware of the desire for only monogamy.
Anyhow, the point of this was to say its funny how things work. I sat down to write about all of this, in far more detail and with far more emotional turmoil behind it, and couldn't. I tried and wrote on it for nearly two hours and just nothing seemed to come our right, everything seemed far too wordy and it was terribly difficult to figure out how to progress through the relationship explanations. With all of that said, its funny because that post became unnecessary about three days after the post refused to let me write it. I original relationships fell apart. I gave in to understanding that I was unhappy and really let go of the relationships that were keeping me there.
I've began to explore what can be with my newest interest and I am beyond thrilled with that I've found there. The first partner and I are still friends and things are better than they had been for quite some time. The second partner and I have not spoken, but that was for several days before the relationship found an end and not outside of her usual behaviors. She has been a regular disappearing act for me, which is a big part of why the relationship terminated. I am looking for people I can count on and unfortunately right now she's not ready for that. I love her to death and will always, but at least for right now we cannot work.
I was caught in this place of being unsure how I was feeling and where my strongest desires lied. There was something about my someone new that made me so much more content and happy and at peace with life than the other two. While I love my friends they were not necessarily making me as happy as I think I deserve. I started with one friend and our relationship seemed to be slowly killing itself starting with unmet promises, several times over, that seemed insignificant at the time but were adding up. Along with the promises was the stress of being three hundred miles apart. There was a change in the emotional connectivity of the relationship as well, something I was told I would have to live with because she was really this way not that way I had originally encountered. So as things compiled themselves leading to a break down in the relationship someone else was adding to my dilemma and making me happy by just being around, making it hard for me to keep just putting up with things.
Somewhere in the midst of my first relationship breaking down the second friend entered into the mix. We connected in a way that felt good and added to the original relationship. Along with the addition of a third partner came the reorganizing of priorities and new promises with the first partner. Things seemed great for a short period of time but surely began to fall apart. Contact with both of the friends was reduced and nearly non-existent once again with the second partner. All of the promises made with the first began to be broken like what had happened previously. Along with these break downs was the entering of the new someone and being made aware of the desire for only monogamy.
Anyhow, the point of this was to say its funny how things work. I sat down to write about all of this, in far more detail and with far more emotional turmoil behind it, and couldn't. I tried and wrote on it for nearly two hours and just nothing seemed to come our right, everything seemed far too wordy and it was terribly difficult to figure out how to progress through the relationship explanations. With all of that said, its funny because that post became unnecessary about three days after the post refused to let me write it. I original relationships fell apart. I gave in to understanding that I was unhappy and really let go of the relationships that were keeping me there.
I've began to explore what can be with my newest interest and I am beyond thrilled with that I've found there. The first partner and I are still friends and things are better than they had been for quite some time. The second partner and I have not spoken, but that was for several days before the relationship found an end and not outside of her usual behaviors. She has been a regular disappearing act for me, which is a big part of why the relationship terminated. I am looking for people I can count on and unfortunately right now she's not ready for that. I love her to death and will always, but at least for right now we cannot work.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Changes...
Life changes at the flip of a coin,
at the batting of an eyelash,
at the moment when the words reach the end of your tongue
or you find your lips coming into contact with a new smile.
I looked into your eyes so many times,
but now I see no longer those emotions.
I gazed upon your smile and it inspired me,
it is simply the lovely smile of a friend any more.
Moving past you is not something I shall do,
moving with you and through you,
seeing us both grow and change and develope into happiness,
that I shall lovingly do,
just not with you in the ways you may choose.
Sometimes our hearts lead us,
they take us somewhere we did not see coming,
somewhere that was not obvious to our heads.
That smile of his,
the eyes that mezmorize my thoughts,
that is in this moment where I find my bliss.
at the batting of an eyelash,
at the moment when the words reach the end of your tongue
or you find your lips coming into contact with a new smile.
I looked into your eyes so many times,
but now I see no longer those emotions.
I gazed upon your smile and it inspired me,
it is simply the lovely smile of a friend any more.
Moving past you is not something I shall do,
moving with you and through you,
seeing us both grow and change and develope into happiness,
that I shall lovingly do,
just not with you in the ways you may choose.
Sometimes our hearts lead us,
they take us somewhere we did not see coming,
somewhere that was not obvious to our heads.
That smile of his,
the eyes that mezmorize my thoughts,
that is in this moment where I find my bliss.
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