the great divide

I so rarely go here that I had forgotten how much it bothers me, irritates me, hurts me and leaves me feeling torn in half...I'd really completely forgotten how it makes me feel all together.

I've been in a baseline, moderate, whole place for several months now and this feeling of the great divide ripping me in two seems to hurt extra, tearing at a wound that had healed up so much better this time around, the tear is almost fresh...


dearest mania,
I love you,
how couldn't I?!

marvelous depression,
I love you,
you cradle me sweetly,
we hide together so well!

on nights like these,
when you've both evaded me,
been gone out of my daily for so long,
I don't know who to pick.

nails on the canvas,
sounds so much more beautiful than it feels,
or maybe I liked the way it feels...
I can't recall but I remember crying the last time I thought about it,
maybe it hurts or maybe I just don't like that any more...
oh darling depression I forget so much of you,
I apologize but we know it was safe and wise,
we weren't meant to be together forever,
it was always a losing race.

car into a brick wall,
well that'd sure make it hard to get anywhere else,
but maybe I wouldn't need to go anywhere else any how,
maybe barbie and I could just take our final ride...
maybe just speed around town with the windows down,
its even warm enough to not freeze to death,
not sure if that's good or bad yet...
I image its just a detail.
ah the loveliness of a midnight drive to nowhere,
the speeding on empty streets,
the peace that comes,
if I could only control the crazy right now it might be great...
I know we're hanging out,
hanging tight so tight,
strangle you if you try to get away tight,
right now mania...
I know you'll win and get me into trouble...
I'm not sure of the rules of this game,
the places where its safe to be unsafe,
I know it'd end badly...
without knowledge of the safe havens tonight.

there are so many enemies to the baseline,
two of them the things that rip  me in two,
both enemies,
both out to get the baseline...
who'll likely be back tomorrow,
into a place they don't want to be...
maybe they'll be scars,
maybe they'll be legal repercussions,
maybe they'll be someone laying next to us in bed,
all the maybes that depression and mania could lead baseline to...
why must such wicked enemies hide behind these green hues?!

I know I said I love you,
I do...
but when we last departed
I was happy to have seen the last of yous.

Come On, And Learn Me

To the tune of Come On, Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

I hate the sound of my voice,

I love the soft of my skin,

I hate the curves of my body,

not a reflexion of what's within'. 

Oh if I could walk on water, 

if I could tell you who I am,

I'd make you believe,

you'd help me forget.

So come on and learn me, 

loosen my grips,

love and acceptance,

oh the words from your lips.

Just pull me down hard,

and drown me in love.

So come on and learn me, 

loosen my grips,

love and acceptance,

oh the words from your lips.

Just pull me down hard,

and drown me in love.

I hate the sound of my voice,

loudest thing in my head,

and I ache to remember,

all the judging, cold, hurtful words that they said.

If I could walk on water, 

if I could tell you who I am,

I'd make you believe, 

you'd help me forget.

So come on and learn me, 

loosen my grips,

love and acceptance,

oh the words from your lips.

Just pull me down hard,

and drown me in love.

So come on and learn me, 

loosen my grips,

love and acceptance,

oh the words from your lips.

Just pull me down hard,

and drown me in love.

I hate the look in their eyes,

I taste the spite in their tone,

I see allies and haters and God,

when I speak up, 

shout out, 

shout out, 

shout out, 

shout out,

screamin' sha la la la la,

screamin' sha la la la la la,

So come on and learn me, 

loosen my grips,

love and acceptance,

oh the words from your lips.

Just pull me down hard,

and drown me in love.

So come on and learn me, 

loosen my grips,

love and acceptance,

oh the words from your lips.

Just pull me down hard,

and drown me,

drown me in love.

So wrong,

so wrong,

so wrong,

so right. 

So come on and learn me.

So come on and learn me.

Cause everyone learns,

yes, everyone learns in the end.

Just had an interesting and out of the blue realization. I have since childhood looked at the things my father did and wanted to be more like him, do things with him, envied my cousin for the time he spent with my dad, the things they did together. I always thought it was just being a daddy's girl and jealous of his time spent with anyone else, but maybe it was deeper than that. (Truth: I gagged a little on the use of the term daddy's girl in reference to myself. I was definitely a little girl back then but it still bites a bit.)

So here's the realization and its kinda short and I dunno I haven't really thought fully into it but I felt the need to put it down while it was freshly in my head as not to forget that I had it and recognized it as something of importance to my thoughts on how I got here. I wonder if it has taken as long as it has for me to openly see my genderqueer self and fully feel the feelings of discomfort because of the birth control I was on for nearly ten years. When you have visual cues of masculinely identified traits they give you this to "correct" it. I just wonder if though that was not the intended purpose of my use that side effect produced itself. Maybe I would have wound up shaped, voiced, etc differently if I hadn't had so many issues with hormone levels. The fact that hormone level increase corrected my issue says to me that I didn't have enough of them and maybe life would be different if I hadn't popped a pill to "fix" that.

Ok, maybe they are totally unrelated and nothing would be different except I would have suffered more for the things that plagued me in those ten years. Maybe I'm just finally at a place with myself and the world where I don't care if people think I am different or strange, where I know there are safety nets and support systems that are available if I really need them. As much as I know that maybe its about the nurture sense right now...something inside churns from wondering if maybe there's some nature at play here too. Maybe there is both.

Its days like today, days I don't have often but they tend to plant themselves within my coming out processes that I think, I really wish I had not been so sheltered, I wish I had been allowed to see the people who are the "other" in our society. I grew up in Detroit and I can tell you a lot about families that were roughing it and kids that were only eating lunch because they couldn't afford to eat at home. I can tell you about the fact that it took me a long time to realize that my friends that had darker skin didn't simply tan better. I had a good deal of things that were open to me, but I think they were out of simply being there not anyone who was nurturing me wishing them into existence.

I however didn't know anything about being gay or it being a possible lifestyle, yeah that's what we'll call it, until my cousin came out and it was so shamefully discussed with me that I didn't ask what it was or think about it as a option for me. Even though I had already done homosexual things by that time, not that anyone outside of the person I had done them with knew. It took me stumbling upon a GSA in high school to really get any word on what it was, what it meant and be told, that while the bible says its so wrong which I don't even know that I had heard that argument yet, its just about who we love and its just as natural as being heterosexual.

As for trans, genderqueer, differently gendered etc, that took til high school too. I was introduced to the idea while I was in my senior year of high school and it spoke to me but I wasn't really sure how to get on board. I had been so heavily cultured into my femaleness that getting outside of that box was strange. I loved and appreciate the people I saw taking steps outside of the box of the sex they were born to, but felt behind, unaware, silly to try to open up the possibilities for myself, I told myself I was a girl, I liked girly things and just needed to stop trying to get on board with something I thought was a trendy thing. I thought it was just something new and different and forced myself not to think too much about it. Really I held myself back, how stupid was I? More afraid, I was just starting to come out as not straight and that was charging high enough tolls as it was.

Now though, now I'm starting to think through it more and realize that there is more to it, its not trendy and its not cool but its right for me. This box that was so neatly constructed for me to fit all of my femininity into is getting crowded because while others have been helping me pack a girl into here there's been someone else growing within me and there are just too many likes, dislikes, stories, loves, hurts, pains, traits and what-nots to fit into this place!

There is the part of me that takes comfort in being dad's babydoll and even on occasions mom's princess. There are parts of me that speak and swoon and giggle and talk about things in ways that fully keep up with the girls. The part of me that loves that I was in a sorority and loves my sisters. The part of me that even though I very very very rarely wear that insists that those dresses stay in the closet because she might need them, oh and those heels and tights and push up bras and all that other stuff she's collected for looking sexy lol.

At the same time and often in the same breath there is the part of me that takes comfort in being a significant other's baby boi, boifriend, teddy bare, that cringes at the thought of being someone's girlfriend and would much rather hear someone say he's mine. There is a part of me that speaks and laughs and tackles and punches and talks about things in ways that fully keep up with the boys. That belches and rates them, chugs a beer and thinks man-caves are the greatest shit ever. The part of me that loves my sisters but doesn't feel so comfortable with the sorority part because it lets people know I'm an F. The part of me that pushes those dresses into the back most corner of the closet and wears slacks and a dress shirt and tie, that loves the dark wash denim and dressing it up to look dapper as all get out whenever there's a good reason. Who cuts their hair short and keeps it groomed well, rocks the backwards ball cap and has an obsession with hats that is recently being kept in its place but new hats still find their way in on occasions. The part of me that thinks bras are ridiculous and painful and while binding is a bitch at times its way more comfortable most of the time...though if a sports bra could do the trick it'd be welcome to join daily use, but any way I can hide as much of my chest's fullness as possible is where I'm going to place my loyalties.

At this point I've lost track of where I was going with this so I'm gonna just stop. But its been nice to put this stuff into words and I guess I hope someone is actually reading and thinking and will say something to me about this, though harsh words can be kept to one's self.

if you don't mind...

if you don't mind
i'll be just fine
if you'll just let me
let me take your hand in mine
if you don't mine
i'll be okay
as long as you don't
don't go astray
if you don't mind
i'll hold you here until eternity
just stand in this circle
this circle here with me
if you don't mind
i'll give you  my heart
if you promise me you weren't
you weren't lying from the start

poem from back in the day...

she screams I love you [in her whispered voice] after you as you walk away
she is so very scared they are the last words she'll ever say
she hopes with all her heart and soul you've heard her exclamation
she knows whether or not you do you'll still stay turned away
she watches the tension in you change and wonders if it because of what she had to say
she wonders if you are relieved that you are gone from her to stay
she wonders if this is you happy that she's said it because you needed it, always will
she really only can wonder for now what will come of this, all of the emotions, there will be many a day
she will wait many days to find out if you are gone away or will return to stay
she will cry many tears listening to you say the things you always meant to say
she will cry many tears hearing in her own head the things she meant to say
she will be hurt for many days and night and never be quiet again alright
she is the girl you leave behind when you turn your back, out of mind and out of sight

open up...

I wrote this just under a year ago and just found it, felt like sharing, maybe I shared it then too but I like it enough to post twice!


Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.

Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.

refuse to be written

Its interesting to me how things work. I sat down about two weeks ago to write a post about the feelings that were weighing on me with the relationships I was engaged in. I was polyamourously dating two of my close friends and while not looking for anyone new had found myself completely infatuated with someone I'd just met. This someone new being really only interested in monogamous relationships.

I was caught in this place of being unsure how I was feeling and where my strongest desires lied. There was something about my someone new that made me so much more content and happy and at peace with life than the other two. While I love my friends they were not necessarily making me as happy as I think I deserve. I started with one friend and our relationship seemed to be slowly killing itself starting with unmet promises, several times over, that seemed insignificant at the time but were adding up. Along with the promises was the stress of being three hundred miles apart. There was a change in the emotional connectivity of the relationship as well, something I was told I would have to live with because she was really this way not that way I had originally encountered. So as things compiled themselves leading to a break down in the relationship someone else was adding to my dilemma and making me happy by just being around, making it hard for me to keep just putting up with things.

Somewhere in the midst of my first relationship breaking down the second friend entered into the mix. We connected in a way that felt good and added to the original relationship. Along with the addition of a third partner came the reorganizing of priorities and new promises with the first partner. Things seemed great for a short period of time but surely began to fall apart. Contact with both of the friends was reduced and nearly non-existent once again with the second partner. All of the promises made with the first began to be broken like what had happened previously. Along with these break downs was the entering of the new someone and being made aware of the desire for only monogamy.

Anyhow, the point of this was to say its funny how things work. I sat down to write about all of this, in far more detail and with far more emotional turmoil behind it, and couldn't. I tried and wrote on it for nearly two hours and just nothing seemed to come our right, everything seemed far too wordy and it was terribly difficult to figure out how to progress through the relationship explanations. With all of that said, its funny because that post became unnecessary about three days after the post refused to let me write it. I original relationships fell apart. I gave in to understanding that I was unhappy and really let go of the relationships that were keeping me there.

I've began to explore what can be with my newest interest and I am beyond thrilled with that I've found there. The first partner and I are still friends and things are better than they had been for quite some time. The second partner and I have not spoken, but that was for several days before the relationship found an end and not outside of her usual behaviors. She has been a regular disappearing act for me, which is a big part of why the relationship terminated. I am looking for people I can count on and unfortunately right now she's not ready for that. I love her to death and will always, but at least for right now we cannot work.

Changes...

Life changes at the flip of a coin,
at the batting of an eyelash,
at the moment when the words reach the end of your tongue
or you find your lips coming into contact with a new smile.

I looked into your eyes so many times,
but now I see no longer those emotions.
I gazed upon your smile and it inspired me,
it is simply the lovely smile of a friend any more.

Moving past you is not something I shall do,
moving with you and through you,
seeing us both grow and change and develope into happiness,
that I shall lovingly do,
just not with you in the ways you may choose.

Sometimes our hearts lead us,
they take us somewhere we did not see coming,
somewhere that was not obvious to our heads.

That smile of his,
the eyes that mezmorize my thoughts,
that is in this moment where I find my bliss.

butch grammar

I wrote this to submit to Butch 360 but missed the deadline, however wanted to still post so here it goes....

What pronouns/nouns/adjectives do you prefer others to use when talking to or about you? In comparison, are there any that you just can’t stand?

I have for awhile now not liked the use of pronouns at all, since they all connect to a specific gender/sex and I don't really care for that or fully identify with either. I've noticed I'm often less offended by male pronouns, but still resent the assumptions they imply. When any pronouns are used I tend to stick to non-gendered like they/their. While I've been ridiculed about the plural sounding choice, I still prefer them.

Being called someone's girlfriend is also something that pushes a few strange buttons in me, it feels alienating. I tend to stick to more neutral terms like partner or significant other, though boifriend is a fun play on normative relationship titles.

I also find that the person who uses the pronouns/nouns effects how I feel about their use. When it comes to my family for the most part I just smile and nod along with their use of extremely feminine verbage in reference to me, they saw me through the daddy's little girl, pretty princess, ballerina days. But when it comes to friends I have a bigger issue, especially those who declare themselves with in the LGBTQA community. When it comes to professional settings I tend to again smile and nod and put up with choices, though I am working on becoming more comfortable with coming out as not so comfortable with the feminine labels.

One of the biggest things that I am working on as far as words used in the discussion of me is the use of my legal name, its been about five years now that I have introduced myself in social settings by a name other than my given name(bare) and while I know some of my friends have been using that name others have not. I understand that there are people who have used my legal name in reference to me since we met, their making an attempt to not use it would be very much so appreciated and I'm having issues convincing some people to respect that request. I have very recently come up with a new nickname(JC), one that feels appropriate for me to use in both professional and social settings and have hopes that this name will find itself sticking better than the previous. I find this nickname as gender neutral as I seek to have in a name I am regularly regarded by and not quite as much of an eyebrow raiser.

Stitch a chara,

I love you, to the ends of the world and back. You are amazing and beautiful and I am beyond grateful to have you in my life. I don't know how to talk to you about what's going on with me right now but I wish withe very fiber of my being that I could. I just don't know how to talk to you about the fact that I don't trust anyone, especially not myself. I love you and you love me. We both promised we knew what we were saying when we said it, that we truly meant it, so I do not in my rational mind doubt you in the least bit, even in my irrational mind it is not you that I question or doubt. I question myself I wonder if I even know what it is, do I know how to love well enough to deserve what you are giving me in loving me. I feel horrible that I fairly regularly asks you to reaffirm it, but I am beyond happy that you do, and without ever a word of unhappiness for the asking. You assure me that you are serious about loving me without my asking, you laugh along and assure me in my awkward fishing jokes, and whenever we talk about my issues you remind me that you still do; its something I certainly need, I am afraid to lose someone else I love for being too whatever it is I am. The last time I planned a future with someone I was unimaginably hurt and while you are different, this is so familiar that its hard not to think about it. I have to bring myself to see all that sets you apart from that situation, from every situations that's gotten me hurt and then I'll be able to avoid feeling afraid of you, of planning a life with you, and of loving you. You are not like she or any of them ever was. The most important thing is that you when I am with you or not are always on my mind, not in a creepy way but in a if there were to be one person I'd like to share this with kinda way. You are there because you're not interested in loving me with stipulations, with requirements of all of my time and energy and to the extent that I no longer exist when you're done with me. I see this and everyone important to me see this too. The last time I planned to plan out a life with someone I had a crowd of people telling me to be careful, make the decisions that were right for me, if she loves you she'll wait for it to be right for you. This time around everyone can only say they want to meet you, they're excited for me, they think you must be great because I care about you so much and that everything about me now seems happier, healthier. I love you for who you are and who I am with you, I love you for helping me to be someone I love. You found me in a rough patch and without meaning to you're helping me out of it, and when you mean to it helps too. If you can stand to live through this pit I'm in with me I am certain that we will find a place that we will find to be more beautiful that any we have ever known. You care to work and try and commit to this which is beyond amazing to me, I've never felt that entirely encompassed in love. You want to be there for me and comfort me even when you have no idea what to say you're still determined to say something. You say the wrong thing and it doesn't hurt or make me cry or anything because i disagree but because it is only wrong because you are the first person who gets it so well that you do not know how to sooth it away, you want to face it down and talk the details and the realities. I love you for this but I don't know how to deal with this because no one ever gets it enough to force me to deal with it. You when put on the spot answer everything the way they never could, the way I needed someone to, the way that makes me feel bad for having tested you because it feels so natural for you to answer the way you do, to react the way you do, that I never should have questioned it. You are the exact person I need right now, and I hope like hell that you'll be the exact person I need always. I hope you feel the same way and always will too. Be it fate, or destiny, or okcupid that is to blame for us finding each other I am happy that we both chose to move back to Michigan and that you out of nowhere decided to say hi to me again.

...I'll be damned...

If I were a cutter there'd be gashes...
If I were a burner they'd be 3rd degree...

If I were a druggie I'd be higher than the sky...
If I were an alcoholic I'd be comatose...
If I knew how to kill myself you'd never be reading this....
If I listened to nothing else he said, I can tell you...
If I am asked, that dad says suicides leave notes and tell others hoping they'll be stopped...
If I can make no other promise it is that...
If I really wanted to do this...
If I really knew how, there'd be not attempt just success!

every one's got answers but never solutions, so we all figure out how to deal in our own ways...

i'm rambling again...

It however seems to be the only way I figure things out...seems like no one is reading any more so I guess this might as well be dear diary entries any more but it is what it is...


How do you collect your thoughts well enough to fully share what you are thinking and feeling with someone else?!
I know just barely enough to not lose my mind over the inner turmoil and craziness that ensues over you. Upon my recognition that I do indeed care for you at all. At the realization that I not only care for you but beyond that, I care greatly for you.
How do I share that I care for you to the point of some may say fault?!
To tell you "I love you", the full statement, in every connotation you may derive. to be sure I am ready to care that much, much less have you know that I do, that I am ready for me to know that I do. convincing myself has been hard, convincing others seems to be the only way I have come around to it, having to defend why I think its a good idea to think about much less do has made me understand that I apparently really do. I know that I needed to be sure to convince myself fully to say it with all that must be behind it to give you what you deserve. You deserve me to know that I fully mean and feel all that is in that statement, to feel and mean it with every fiber of my being and beat of my heart, breath that I breath and longing of my soul.
I feel ready to say I need, you. I feel comfortable and confident in needing you. I love that I need you, this time I have chosen it, not been deluded or deceived into it. I am however frightened that I need you, to need anyone is scary. However, I really do feel like I need you for the right reasons, I need you because I have chosen to need you, because I need you due to wanting you so badly, fully, truly. The need for you is not based in your ability to twist and turn my reality into believing that I need you. I do not think like I have in the past, I do not believe that I will cease to have you and thus cease to live if you pass out of my life. I understand that without you I would cease to live the life we have begun to create together, the elements of my life that I have come to have because of my connection to you. I would miss you and not enjoy things that have become important to me because of you or important to us as a unit. Those things that have tied my world together around you would not be the same ever again, might even be things to pass out of my life, despite my connection to them. Despite this I am certain that I would survive.
It sounds harsh to say I would survive without you, but its freeing for me. It sounds like something that should make your heart drop, you are not important to me, not even as much as people in my past. This is however not what I am saying. This concept that I could live without you, sure it sounds harsh but it means to me that I've chosen not to rather than feeling as though I cannot. This is a great feeling for me, an empowering feeling. It all means to me that I have chosen this, rather than being falsely brought to believe. It all means that I choose to keep you, all because I wish to, want to, like to; not because I am too afraid to let go, too afraid to cease to exist, unable to let go.
Thank you for being this for me!

One Month...

...believe me I won't stop at nothin' to see you, so I've started runnin'.
all that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughin' with you.
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after, after the life we've been through...

...what about now?
what about today?
what if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
what if...
baby before its too late...

...if you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
I don't understand, if I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
I don't know life so far away, but I know that its just a trip, we'll make it through...
I hope I love you all my life...
'cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right...

Valentine's Day

This year I celebrated my first ever Valentine's Day. I know I'm posting this days late, but I feel the need to share a bit of it due to the fact that it is the only I've ever had.

Days in advance I started planning for what I wanted to be the greatest job I could possibly do. Decided I was going to make baby lots and lots of yummy things. I was going to make her a lovely breakfast and delicious dinner, and it was all going to be a surprise to her. I did both of these but not quite the way that I planned them, baby ended up helping me make everything and knew exactly what was to be made Monday by Sunday night...when she went shopping with me. I luckily have a pretty great boi because this went off without a hitch and baby even picked up making salad and dessert to help me out with getting everything done. This all seemed to me just a pain in the butt, but we realized Tuesday morning, I'm getting sick...which means you guessed it I gave baby sickness for Valentine's Day too.

I also got baby a last minute you have to have a actual presentable gift. I got her starburst...as I found out Sunday she loves them...and a card, it was sooo cute! I read the card I got her and I couldn't help but think this is totally our card!

Breakfast--heart shaped pancakes, strawberries, pineapples, and Sunny-D cocktail. Baby made the pancakes, she rocks....free handed hearts!

Dinner--sun dried tomato and cheese stuffed shells with Alfredo sauce, salad and Smirnoff Ice. Baby had the great idea of the drinks, and with grenadine to make it pink.

Dessert--Strawberry sorbet, warm fudge brownie and fresh strawberries.

Ok, so that's the stuff I did for baby, that I ended up getting lots of her help on...I'm feeling spoiled.

As for what baby did...she got me a Build-A-Bear...well really he's a dog. She under stuffed him so that he'd be extra cuddly...and I named him in my ever silly naming fashion. Our little boi is Cappie O'Ryaleigh...because baby is a Capricorn and works at O'Rielly's. We're going to go get him a collar and name tag today...she wanted to do these things on Valentine's Day but couldn't find anything that she liked. Also, as of Tuesday I have learned that the cutest thing about Cappie-O is the fact that baby put the "I Love You" heart in him.

For how short a time we've been together that frighten and excites me. I think it means good things that I'm excited at it...I mean really how can it not be good to be excited. As far as the fear, I don't attribute it to a I'm scared you can feel that, but that I wont be worthy of being loved. This fear of not being worth of other's love is something very common for me...but I'm I guess used to being the first to decide I love the other person so its easier to accept their love because I hope for love in return.

cliches...running through my head

There are these cliche little things that run through my head whenever someone new comes around, whenever a turning point in a relationship happens, whenever I start to doubt or feel too comfortable, they race through at unsurmountable speeds. Somehow I always think them and on regular occasion find myself realizing that I've waited too long to second check a realtionship on these points, or once its over I've been making excuses why its okay just this once, anything to not let go. I find myself again checking someone on this list of things. This time around I'm finding myself happily suprised by the results...but still sure that I need to be more careful than I am being...

take a look around and be sure before you make your decisions...
I try to look around but I'm noticing myself putting on the blinders

jump in feet first if you're going to take a leap at all...
I am definitely going feet first...but I feel my heart migraiting, so maybe I wont bump my head and wake up in six months terribly unhappy but my heart will still be broken if I do find myself losing this one

slow and steady if it's meant to be it'll stand the test of time...
It feels steady, but nothing about this is going slowly. This I find a bit suprising to realize since we talked about both of us wanting to take it slowly and we've still managed to ignore our own decisions, because it just feels right, which is always a good reason but still a detour from the plans.

make sure you're head says go before you let your heart decide...
There is definitely a level of my head being the major factor going right now, but there are just some statements and actions that can't be kept from causing a reaction in one's heart. Seriously she makes me feel warm and fuzzy sometimes and I like that feeling all too well.

absense makes the heart grow fonder...
Boo...seriously I don't want absense...I know its good to have personal time and alla that but I don't like the waiting between seeing one another, there's something so comfortable about being together that I can't seem to not want to be there whenever it is possible!

don't make someone a priority, who makes you only an option...
Now this I've got the lock on, there is no way I will let myself take this trap again. Infact this is the reason we've even started talking, I walked away from the last person who made me feel this way and happened upon this new and amazing person. I've officially deemed her my upgrade. lol

we're writting a story...weave me a web baby

There were once a pair of lovers, two lovely bois, trapped in an apartment that one had just moved into. All the areas of the apartment so new and shiny looking as neither had really become accustom to it yet, still filled with that smell of cleanness. All the furniture, not yet truly used. They found themselves trapped here due to a snow storm raging just on the other side of the windows.

As they stay trapped inside this apartment together they watch as the flurries flash by and live by the light of candles in the night. The apartment so cold that they spend most of their time curled up in bed under many covers. One pointing out that her father had once said you stay warmer if you remove the barriers between yourself and the warmth of the covers, so they choose sleeping together naked and sharing body heat. They pass away their time trapped here talking about just about anything, everything and nothing quite honestly. They find themselves fading in and out of sleep together quite harmoniously. One waking up slowly to the others breaking deeply and slowly, softly running finger tips lightly over skin. The other beginning to wake as the pressure of her lovers body grows against her back. The first's hips begin to rock and the second falls into sink, they rock they're hips together. The first moves her hand over her lover's hip holding them together and keeping the slow calm rhythm.

Once the rhythm of their bodies is set the first begins to run her hand along the other's side, tracing patterns down it. Gently bringing her lover to wakefulness, waiting for that single movement or sound that will illustrate she has roused her fully. That response that means I am completely awake and entirely craving you. This sign comes and the first wraps her arms around the other, one under the pillow and the other over top around the chest pulling her lover in close. Slowly kissing along the neck, increasing intensity moving to bite along the neck and shoulder. Then nuzzling into the neck as she begins to slide a hand down the lovers body along the leg. Now, running that hand inward, slowing brushing finger tips over her lover and feeling a slight wetness as she teases her lover, and the feeling of inhaling deeply says more than words, this is working.

The other laying in this place of barely wakefulness as the nuzzling begins, feels breaths gently grazing over her neck and shoulders and begins to push back against her lover. She feels her lovers hand sliding along her leg and begins to pray that it will move in further, and it does. The thought crosses her mind, oh god she must be able to read my mind. Eyes roll back slightly as her lover's hand grazes over her hip and continues downward. She begins to feel her body begging as she is teased by her lover's hand, inhaling deeply to maintanin any control.  Feeling the moans stiffled in her throat becoming harder and harder to hold in.

The first backs away slowly, slightly tugging on her lover until she turn to face her. Softly kisses her lover, with one arm still under her head and the other lazily play with the hair on back of her neck. Moving the hand away to begin slowly working its way back down her lover's body. Beginning to kiss deeper and slides hand between her legs, lifting one and laying it acroos hers. Sliding the hand back along the lovers inner thigh and running a finger tip lightly along the clit. Kissing deeper yet as they slide the finger into their lover.

The second, feels her lovers body move away and a hand pulling against her hip ever so gently, rolls into the pull.  Wrapping her arm around her lover as thier lips meet in the first kiss. Running fingers along the small of her lovers back as the hair at the nape of her neck is played with. Cooing gently between kisses at the sparks felt through each touching down of finger tips. Feeling the intensity of kisses grow and her lovers hand begin to move, pulling her hand up to graps onto her lover's face and intensify their kisses further. Feeling her lovers hand run along her leg and every feeling receptor stand on end, giving in to her lovers moving her body to take it. Letting her leg be moved over her lovers and shivering slightly as her lover's hand moves long her inner thigh. Moaning gently into her lovers kiss as they slide their finger tip over her clit. Gasping for air and pulling away from their kiss slightly as she feels her lovers fingers slide into her. Quickly shoving their lips back together and rocking into her lovers hand. Pulling her lovers hips in closer and opening herself up further to her lover.

I can't figure out how to even begin to talk about this, this is something entirely new to my world, I don't think I have the words in my vocabulary. I have a pretty great vocabulary, in the arena of discussing relationships I almost never have a lose for words . When it comes to figuring out how to express how I feel, how others feel, the ins and outs of how or why I've pretty much got no shortcomings what-so-ever. I may take issue to expressing my feelings, espeically when they feel bigger than life, directly to the face of the one they're towards but I've still always got the words to process out somewhere. In this case I find myself using cliches and idiocycratic catch phrases. I have never felt so entirely goofy happy or stupid for someone or purely me with someone, especially not this quickly. We talk about the most awkward of topics but they just kinda roll of our tongues as if we're talking about the weather.

Love Like...

I want a love like Johnny and June,
hell no boo,
I want a love like me and you!
Gosh that sounds so cliche...but its so damn true.
I don't want the hurt or pain they put each other through.
I want something purer to be what we do.

I want a love like Romeo and Juliet,
hell no pet,
I don't want pain for who I've choosen you to beget.
I want the love they put in songs and lovers but on a mixed cassette.
If you want the drama of thier love affair me you should forget,
I want someone who's matching me in that aspect.

If I Could Just Kiss the Girl I Am Pretty Sure I Would Like It!!!

I don't even know where to begin...
I've been seeing someone for about two weeks now, we've had one official date but we've also seen each other nearly every day. On our first date she was super nervous about hugging me when it was over, she divulged this through a text message once I had gotten home. I went and got as best a hug as was appropriate from her at work the next day.
Since then when we see each other its usually lunch before I give her a ride to work, and when she gets out of the car she always initiates a hug. We have done more than the quick meal once, which was an entire day spent together, or damn near to. We went to a movie with my cousin whom I teenagersit, then slept in our respective homes until we went to breakfast the next morning and then hung out at the mall followed by a trip to Ann Arbor, nothing super significant happened but there was a sense of really seeing into each other's world simply by the amount of time spent together.
So the moral of all of this story is I really really like her and I don't know how to, I guess you could call it, take the next step. I've had a desire on some level to kiss her since the first picture message she sent me roughly a month ago, sometimes you just look at a person and wonder what it would be like. Now a month, a date and two weeks of hanging out I still want to, and everyone I am close to who has heard this story already is giving me shit about not just doing it. IT IS SOOO NOT JUST THAT EASY!!!!! I am terrified that the reason there has not been a second official date is that we're in friends zone, that she'll freak out and not be able to be my friend if I do try to kiss her, and I'll be totally freaked out if I get rejected(I'm pretty phobic!).
So I have been googling all morning trying to figure out how one makes themself exude the kiss me vibes and how one goes for a first kiss, I'll go with gracefully. The search has come up with some pretty funny finds but not so much useful stuff, mostly because its all stuff I feel like I'm already doing or it just sounds way simpler in their words than it would be in real time.

Here is where I say anyone reading this advice please!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

the gem of my searching lol

left to my own devices i'm addicted its a crisis!

These lyrics seem to sum up what's going on right about now...

Caught me by surprise.
All I did was to sit right down,
Stare into your eyes.

Just a fool for you baby.
And I'll be your fool tonight.

Well I've been down this crazy road,
But not like this before.
Had the blues when I heard the news,
But I'm not worried no more.
-38 Special