refuse to be written

Its interesting to me how things work. I sat down about two weeks ago to write a post about the feelings that were weighing on me with the relationships I was engaged in. I was polyamourously dating two of my close friends and while not looking for anyone new had found myself completely infatuated with someone I'd just met. This someone new being really only interested in monogamous relationships.

I was caught in this place of being unsure how I was feeling and where my strongest desires lied. There was something about my someone new that made me so much more content and happy and at peace with life than the other two. While I love my friends they were not necessarily making me as happy as I think I deserve. I started with one friend and our relationship seemed to be slowly killing itself starting with unmet promises, several times over, that seemed insignificant at the time but were adding up. Along with the promises was the stress of being three hundred miles apart. There was a change in the emotional connectivity of the relationship as well, something I was told I would have to live with because she was really this way not that way I had originally encountered. So as things compiled themselves leading to a break down in the relationship someone else was adding to my dilemma and making me happy by just being around, making it hard for me to keep just putting up with things.

Somewhere in the midst of my first relationship breaking down the second friend entered into the mix. We connected in a way that felt good and added to the original relationship. Along with the addition of a third partner came the reorganizing of priorities and new promises with the first partner. Things seemed great for a short period of time but surely began to fall apart. Contact with both of the friends was reduced and nearly non-existent once again with the second partner. All of the promises made with the first began to be broken like what had happened previously. Along with these break downs was the entering of the new someone and being made aware of the desire for only monogamy.

Anyhow, the point of this was to say its funny how things work. I sat down to write about all of this, in far more detail and with far more emotional turmoil behind it, and couldn't. I tried and wrote on it for nearly two hours and just nothing seemed to come our right, everything seemed far too wordy and it was terribly difficult to figure out how to progress through the relationship explanations. With all of that said, its funny because that post became unnecessary about three days after the post refused to let me write it. I original relationships fell apart. I gave in to understanding that I was unhappy and really let go of the relationships that were keeping me there.

I've began to explore what can be with my newest interest and I am beyond thrilled with that I've found there. The first partner and I are still friends and things are better than they had been for quite some time. The second partner and I have not spoken, but that was for several days before the relationship found an end and not outside of her usual behaviors. She has been a regular disappearing act for me, which is a big part of why the relationship terminated. I am looking for people I can count on and unfortunately right now she's not ready for that. I love her to death and will always, but at least for right now we cannot work.