Reflex-ions

I say never say never, yet I write a list of things I'll never do...and then cross them off as things I have done or think I shall change my  mind and add to the things I shall do list.

Shame my parents...unfortunately that came at a great price to us all and was in a way unavoidable to me that I had hoped would not. I always heard we'll love you no matter what and you can be whatever you want to be when you grew up...and watch as the concept of being a whole list of things came out as shamers. I am and always will be one of those things...gay/lesbian/queer...despite the word I use it all plays out the same way, they don't like it at all.

Be untrue to myself...I've done so too many time to recount but lets just say women and love have unfortunately been the leading factor in my demise on this front.

Be someone unlikable...I've yet to fully understand this one but for some reason the family of someone I thought would be a forever really did dislike me and lead to forever having an end date...December 27th that date haunts me more than any of the others that do, one of the few dates in my life period that I can give you a spot on the calender to place it.

Let myself off the hook for being someone other than who I always suspected I'd be...this has been something that has lead to me being much happier to be honest entirely. I am not who my childhood dream of me was, but I have learned far more options of what one can be and accepted that they are what is in store for my life and that I really do like it. I was always going to be a white picket fence, handsome husband and great life very early on, while holding down a teaching job and being an amazing parent kind of adult...I think I'd still like the fence and I'd love to be an amazing parent but I'm sure that the rest is not in my immediate scope and I've got five years to make my dream age for my 1st child come true and I'm no where near settled down or sure of exactly what I want out of a lifetime commitment enough to be close to conception day. Oh and that handsome husband thing, someone is a lot more likely to call me that than I them.

Know so much about myself that I realize I know nothing about myself, much less the world I attempt to exist well in.

Be someone who cries as easily and frequently as my mother...I was ashamed of how little of her emotional baggage she could take and how easily she let it crumple her as a child. I struggle every day to see strength in my need to express emotions so readily and not see myself as a weak person because of how little I let go before I reach emotional breaking points.

I'm scattered and skewed from what I expected, what anyone expected and I've yet to learn enough of myself to know if I mind it as much as I show or anyone else says I should. I've got my own expectations to define and live up to...and I know that the main one I've set for myself thus far is to set them all for myself.