super heros

Topic: Who is/was your favorite superhero? Why? (Bonus points if you owned the Underoos)

I was never really encouraged in my butcher ways as a child, ballet was much more acceptable in my home. This being said I never really got into the whole super heros following as a child with comics or cartoons. I still haven’t really gotten around to much of it but based on the super hero knowledge I have acquired later in life I’d say its a tie between Spiderman and Batman. I really like Spidy’s story and the movies. However Batman has a pretty awesome story himself, and well maybe some of the movies are a little as a friend once put it out right DUMB! that’s the directors not the hero.
All of that being said, I tend to lean towards Batman more, for the silliest of reasons but its my own and I own it. One of my ex fiancee’s best friends gave me the nickname of Batman. This happened when he saw a picture of me on her phone and thought that I was her boyfriend because of the butchness of my appearance in it. She then showed him a picture of me much more femininely dress and he then decided I looked so differently between the two that I must have an alterego like a super hero. This was the day when butch me became Batman and femme me became Bruce Wayne.
As for owning the underoos, I’ll do you one better, I’ve got a full get up (boxers,t-shirt, and hat)…that I may wear on occasion to “strut my stuff” lol.

accesorizing lol

Topic: What one accessory or piece of clothing makes you feel the most butch?

I would have to say my hats are what make me feel most butch as far as a physical item goes. I feel a sense of always being able to hide what usually is the most dictated by someone else and giving away of my femininity. I am regularly asked for various reasons to grow my hair out and my ball caps and other hats are sort of my security blanket into this strange world of female identity fully visual.

favorite season

Topic: What is your favorite season? Is there one in particular that speaks to your butch identity?

My favorite season would definitely have to be Fall. The weather allows me to break out some of my favorite clothes, many of them being my more gender blending of items. The cooler weather really lends itself to these items very nicely. A big one is that Fall binding is way easier; my binding never seems to be overwhelming or sweaty to be in, its cool enough that the wearing of it makes me feel nicely warm, keeping my body heat to myself. In contrast the summer is a very unappealing time for me with binding as I get sweaty and clammy and tend to experience a good deal of breathing issues.

As for these clothing items I so love, its never too warm for a nice button down, or a sweater vest. I have a Henley that is probably one of my favorite clothing items, it makes me feel soo at home with myself and my appearance. The use of baggier clothing that hide certain more feminine features is highly possible in the fall. Along with baggier clothing its easier to layer in things that add a more masculine feel than the summer necessity to wear as little as possible whenever possible. I feel a lot of my personality expression in clothing is centered around a nice pair of jeans or fun pair of shorts (I’m especially fond of plaids), a quirky t-shirt and just right fitting hoodie, all of which feel just a little bit more me when I can use my binding, or the items themselves, to hide some things mother nature felt more necessary than I. I also find that the shoe wear for fall is much more blending for me as well, the use of closed toe seems to make me feel more masculine at least. Finally the weather being cooler is much more appealing for hats, an item I have previously blogged about being something that feels like a security blanket for me, I bring out more hats and wear them more frequently in the fall which makes me a very happy boi.

I’ve already mentioned the major reason why Summer is absolutely off the list. As for winter and spring, I’d say spring is probably a tie for this, but something about fall makes me feel more warm and fuzzy so it got the bid. Winter however has a very clear rule out like summer. Winter for me is a time of over bundling and really dressing far more for necessity than style/fashion/anything else. I like the fashionably warm looks I can pull off in Fall. I also find that no matter how hard I wish for it, my body does not conform to the traditional cuts of a male body, this being said many winter jackets and other masculinely defined winter items fit me in the “boyfriend’s jeans” kinda way…I don’t want them to look like I stole them from a boy, I want to look like I’m the boi who’s closet they are from.

openess...

Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.

Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.

Ideologies

I would like to think that I have always been aware that everyone approaches situations with their own individual set of ideologies. These ideologies come from everything they have seen or heard or experienced in some fashion. What we have done is how we shape together what we wish to do again or never wish to do again. It is also contributing to the way we interpret others actions and behavior patterns and words. I have known this in many instinctual ways based if nothing else on own experience with my formation of these constructs. I was given the vocabulary to really talk about it in my studies since a big part of a social workers job is to recognize where clients are and meet them there without judgement or condemnation. Needless to say the whole topic is not one I am all too far from having a stew of thoughts going somewhere in my head.
I guess now would be where I make the point of my ramblings thus far. Even with the genuine strives towards acknowledging the fact that ideologies are present in all of us and can be found to conflict in any of a million ways on any of an infinite number of topics or rationalizations. I still find myself amazed that there is a sense of what it means to be safe and protected and loved that even among some that would seem well established to be close enough in ideology to place the statements on the topics into the world with similar constructs of meaning there is disagreement in very fundamental and crucially dividing ways.
I for one have always said that safety and security and protection are things i seek in life and thus the ability to make me feel that way a trait I seek in life partners. I am noticing what seems to be a divide in ideologies over my expression of this in my previous blog. I do not know if it is my left of center self expression that makes this desire in many senses entirely fundamentally different from that of other ideologies but i have never seen to be any great challenge to meet. I can not say I have before recently had anyone bring to my attention that it is not necessarily something they could do. It is to me a sign of fundamental differentiation that ultimately proves more in the lack of understanding or seeking of further clarification to me that shows it was a need that would not have been met not because it was impossible to ask but because the defeated attitude was already established so there would not be a high probability of trying to meet it.

Relationship Needs...

I posted this somewhere else but I've decided to start funneling everything onto here so here it is...


In relationships safe and protected are at the top of my list of feelings I look for, for it to be a mutual feeling.
There is nothing I love more than to know
1.that person can make everything okay again, even when my world's been turned on its head, with just a hug or by hearing their voice.
2.that they can be my first call, because it just makes sense to want them to make it better, and that there is never a time that I cannot call, even if its just to say hi because I miss them, but especially when I need to be talked down from a bad dream or horrible event.
3.laying down together, wrapped up in each other's arms, the world disappears because nothing matters more than that moment, and feeling the safest possible in the whole world right there.
Without a doubt I wouldn't love it nearly as much if it wasn't something that it goes both ways.

Screaming Infidelities

Screaming...loudness I'm refusing to hold back any longer
Infidelities...a lack of christian faith...a breach of trust or a disloyal act, a transgression.
 
Why am I left to feel myself in this horrible place of only being only describable with those two words?  

How did I get myself to here? Why do I stay here? 
How do I let myself be that person? Why do I continue down the path that gets me here? 
How do I let myself stay with someone who makes it true? Why do I let you put me in this place?
How do I end up in this? Why do I stay? 
How do I say I have to leave it? Why don't we both adapt to not need this?
How do I not hurt anyone in my departure? Why does anyone have to be hurt? Why do I have to depart? 

I can't answer, wont answer, must answer, mighty break...who's to blame?!

Viewpoints...

I see you there, I know your words are for me, I don't hear them. Your words fall on deaf ears, not of my choosing. Standing here seeing moving lips, I don't read at all well enough to get your point. You scream it out, I see it in your face (red) and body language (the tension). I try not to let on, you'll be angered by my facials, your kind always are. I sign tiny, just out of your frame of vision, if you catch it, you'll think I'm different and wrong. You do catch it, you have a crazy look, that "oh shit, a deaf one" look. I can read that face anywhere. I watch you regroup, looking around trying to figure out how to solve this, you catch sight of someone you know who signs. I watch as you catch their eye and call them over. The first sign you ask them to feed to me is an apology. I am still hurt, but realizing you're not like others, not entirely at least. Maybe your face of oh shit was not about me but about your own behaviors and assumptions. I guess this wont be as bad as I thought, maybe I'll be okay here.

(This is not by any means me saying I know what it is like or choosing to say I am truly reflecting what it is like to be deaf but...I've got some ideas on what I'm trying to say and really just want to put out there the prose I wrote in my Orientation to Deafness Class as I watched a show about being deaf and after several conversations, chapters read, and shows both fictional and nonfiction viewed. )

Poems...

sad eyes look upon sad eyes,

an open heart plays closed in both people,

they know it, but don't like it, they're one in the same,

two hearts, thump the same beating, pacing, thump cycle,

it makes sense, how couldn't it?

they're realistically cut from the same cloth,

at least parts, many parts of them, at least half,

two cloths intertwined to make the child come to life,

the cloth of two combined and one heart beats,

perfectly yet imperfectly in-sync, yet just slightly out of sync,

two the parents, a third the child,

no one questions how of why they would be so much the same.

Thinking Thinking Thinking...Thought

I realized the random-est of things in the last few days. When I am in need of a place all to myself, I no longer use my words and whispers to tell myself my needs, wants, desires...I sign them to myself. I find myself signing as much as possible but I literally have self communication sessions with myself. I find myself sitting in my car signing everything I think, I must remember the signs, my way to practice yet don't see it as practicing any longer, I enjoy the use of sign language to talk to myself, to express my thoughts, feelings and needs with myself. This new means of communication is the best gift I've given myself in a long time, and as much as I will use it wisely in my career in the future, it is doing great empowering things for me right now in my own little one person world.

If ever...

If ever I'd hope that love would be enough

it would surely be now as I sit here in this wedding gown

tears falling down.

If ever I'd hope that faith would be enough

it would surely be now as I sit broken in this church pew

with you.

If ever I'd hope that wisdom would be enough

it would surely be now as I recognize all that I know

hopeful it will show.

If ever I'd hope that this life would be enough

it would surely be now as I cherish what is true

before I am without you.

If ever I'd hope that enough would be enough

it would surely be now when life has fill-ith my cup to the brim

and I fear I cannot swim.

Reflex-ions

I say never say never, yet I write a list of things I'll never do...and then cross them off as things I have done or think I shall change my  mind and add to the things I shall do list.

Shame my parents...unfortunately that came at a great price to us all and was in a way unavoidable to me that I had hoped would not. I always heard we'll love you no matter what and you can be whatever you want to be when you grew up...and watch as the concept of being a whole list of things came out as shamers. I am and always will be one of those things...gay/lesbian/queer...despite the word I use it all plays out the same way, they don't like it at all.

Be untrue to myself...I've done so too many time to recount but lets just say women and love have unfortunately been the leading factor in my demise on this front.

Be someone unlikable...I've yet to fully understand this one but for some reason the family of someone I thought would be a forever really did dislike me and lead to forever having an end date...December 27th that date haunts me more than any of the others that do, one of the few dates in my life period that I can give you a spot on the calender to place it.

Let myself off the hook for being someone other than who I always suspected I'd be...this has been something that has lead to me being much happier to be honest entirely. I am not who my childhood dream of me was, but I have learned far more options of what one can be and accepted that they are what is in store for my life and that I really do like it. I was always going to be a white picket fence, handsome husband and great life very early on, while holding down a teaching job and being an amazing parent kind of adult...I think I'd still like the fence and I'd love to be an amazing parent but I'm sure that the rest is not in my immediate scope and I've got five years to make my dream age for my 1st child come true and I'm no where near settled down or sure of exactly what I want out of a lifetime commitment enough to be close to conception day. Oh and that handsome husband thing, someone is a lot more likely to call me that than I them.

Know so much about myself that I realize I know nothing about myself, much less the world I attempt to exist well in.

Be someone who cries as easily and frequently as my mother...I was ashamed of how little of her emotional baggage she could take and how easily she let it crumple her as a child. I struggle every day to see strength in my need to express emotions so readily and not see myself as a weak person because of how little I let go before I reach emotional breaking points.

I'm scattered and skewed from what I expected, what anyone expected and I've yet to learn enough of myself to know if I mind it as much as I show or anyone else says I should. I've got my own expectations to define and live up to...and I know that the main one I've set for myself thus far is to set them all for myself.

Putting the Past Out There

I gave more than I had to give,
and you gave less than I need to live,
you took more than you knew you did,
but getting it back will cost more than I have to bid.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I hear

Bitter sweet rhythmic melodies

Promises made

Hearts left untamed!

---------------------------------------------------------------

I wander off to find that place in your mind;

Where love has never been lost,

Where hurt has never been the cost.

I wander off to find that place in your soul;

Where there is a rip you’ll let me mend,

Let me care for it, for you until the end.

I wander off to find that place in your heart;

Where you hide all that you hold dear,

I only wish to see your treasure have no fear.

We wander off to find that place in this world;

Where you and I can learn to trust,

Baby this is something we must.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm flirting with danger and crushing on fantasies, but I want to fall in-love with reality.

Learning Me

I am...
slow to love
fast to forgive
not one to forget
hard to read
easily reading others
hard to hold onto
nearly impossible to lose
hard to get back
easy to love
hard to forget
not one to take things lightly
seeking out the true me with every step
seeking to know the true you with every breath
looking for love everywhere
dying without love would be my grandest regret
defining love differently than most
defining love in multiple ways
loving others for being themself
loathing others for be things I wish to be or not to be
impressed by self expression textual, auditory and visualt
tired of being put into boxes, labels, categories
running an uphill in a battle against the world
the toughest obstacle being myself
questioning everything internally
afraid to put many of my questions out there
seeking a life with less opportunities for regret
regretting nothing, I'd rather learn from it than feel shame for it
experimenting and experiencing
letting my true self live out my life, finally
unsure of how to express some of the things I wish to
learning to be okay with others reactions to my expressions
losing the fear of rejection, unfortunately by being rejected
a Leo, that's a fire sign, as much as I'm not religious about astrology I get it
one to start fires, figuratively...though sometimes literally
a bridge burner when I am angry
a tire burner when I am racing into something
one to get passionate about things and go headlong for them
a very monogamous creature
unsure of what else to say, yet sure there is more to say also...
going to come back and edit this again soon probably.

Memorabilia

When I set out to write this blog, I had a single poetic phrase...
Things only last for so long, maybe that's the way it's meant to be. There is only so long that you can walk around with the memorabilia before it's as tarnished as the memory.

The back story...
There are things we get with people at the places we go to with them, things we hold onto to remember how we felt that day, how close we are to them, how much we care about them. These things we get can be in reference to the place, our self, even times directly about the person we're with. We all do it to varying degrees, but we all do it to some extent. Whether its that stuffed animal from the zoo with your best friend or that t-shirt from your first concert with a lover. Some people are selective of the things they get, some pack rat like no tomorrow with everything they could possibly choose to get. Some people shove the things out of their life as soon as it is seemingly over with whomever the feelings and attachments to the item are for/about. Everyone processes and chooses how to move through life and their emotions differently.

Now here's my dilemma. I am one of those people who has a good deal of things that I've held onto that draw me back to moments, places, people and emotions that are either completely still there or completely dead or somewhere in-between.  Most of these items are more about me or the place I was than the person I was with, but there are always traces of whomever bought it for you or you got it with. This is especially a hard pill to swallow for me with two specific items I own. (three if we're being technical.) These items are a dog tag I got at the Milwaukee Zoo (the item that started all of my thinking on the topic), and "the twins" they are two Build-a-Bears that I have had for 2/3 years and they probably are one of the things I hold the most emotional ties to.

Item one--the dog tag. I got this item at the Milwaukee Zoo with a at the time close friend. We still talk now and I know her as well as I ever did but I feel like we've grown distanced by our physical distance from one another. Any how this is an item that has been worn nearly every day since it was purchased. It went on the day I got it at that Zoo and comes off only when pretty much inappropriate to wear due to one reason or another. Recently I went to put it on and felt as though it has become more of a habit to wear than a representation of what that day meant and thus a real desire to wear it. This sparked my thinking about how we hold onto our memorabilia of life and people. This dog tag is getting worn down and discolored and resembles itself in the original purchase condition less and less the longer I have worn it.

the tag...

me wearing it

Item two--the twins. I received one from my sisters for my 19th birthday and the other from my fiancee on my 20th. In the course of our time together my now ex-fiancee and I considered them our children, even now she ask me about the "kids". I had been quit closely attached to my first bear as it held the love of my sisters in it and had been a pretty successful security blanket for me at school...this was something no one touched or held and I willingly left this item with the fiancee while I took my new little guy home once she got him for me. This new little guy came to be my new security blanket, it held the love of the woman who had my heart, how couldn't that be secure and comforting. I now after being separated from my fiancee have possession of both of the twins, they are rightfully mine after all. In these two bears I would say I hold much of the love and security I have ever had from anyone of importance, while there are some other items that have similar importance, they are an epicenter of love and security for me. The point is that much of their importance at surface level comes down to them being my ex and my kids and on a certain level that alone makes it so I don't know that I would ever be able to do away with them. However, it is memories far more than just being romantically involved with her that have me so entirely wrapped up in the possession of these teddy bears.

The twins and me

Ok and now that I may have lost my entire point to this post I'm going to try to make it....

I feel like there is a draw to hold onto the emotions and feelings of relationships and encounters and experiences but do they wear away with time, or evolve into something else entirely.
This dog tag seems to be an example of the wearing away that can happen, like the dog tag itself breaking down and becoming aged. I feel extremely distanced from all of the memories of the day it was gotten, I recall it but like a long lost dream, not an event that marked something good in a relationship (as I once saw it). They say you seem to romanticize what has passed and not recall the bad until it is upon you again but I feel myself letting go of all the romatisizations of that relationship and only recalling the bad of that day, and many of the days that marked that relationship.

With the twins however, there is a very different understanding of what is now my feelings on them. There is a sense of eternal attachment to my ex-fiancee, the level of being each others everything that we were, the level of love that was shared, and the amount of struggle and triumph we shared, binds us to one another in so many ways. I feel as though this is something her and I have really come to know with certainty, we will always love each other with a part of our heart, soul and self. Things could have gone differently but they didn't so our forever was cut short by worldly things but out there in the universe and cosmos there's more than meets the average eye. So as much as there are days when everything seems like a repetitious redoing of things done past, I recall that there is nothing repetitious about the love I feel from holding tight to this memorabilia when all I need is love.


So...now that I am done, I have no idea if I made my point or if I just bantered on but its a decent post to get out there into the universe, I may come back in a day or two and edit it, once I have some perspective to approach from. (edited 10/26/10)

The Start of a World of New Things

I recently began reading a friend's blog on here and decided that it was about time I had somewhere I expressed things in a formal fashion. I don't do diaries because I feel like putting it in a book never to really be touched again is boring, but I'm going to try out the idea of putting it here and maybe even finding my way into posting into circles. I have an idea for a first really great blog but I am far too tired at this point to put it out there right now. I need to work on getting that blog written but until then I thought I should get the de-virginization done with.