I love the me I am with you, not because I need you to complete me or because I do not love myself alone.
I love the me that is part of us, because I think its the me I was meant to be and because I think this is the love I'm deserving of.
I love this me because I think who I was always meant to be was a me that had it in their heart to be a part of this us.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I Love This Me
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Beautiful Girl
She was beautiful and perfect,
despite knowing things less than perfect about her.
She comes across as well put together,
as close to perfect as one can get.
Then I saw her slowed down,
exposed and opened up to me,
saw every part of her,
all that keeps her closed off.
It was then that she was even more beautiful.
As she sits there "starfishing",
laughing at herself,
calling herself awkward,
she has completely won me over,
showed me herself at her most beautiful.
She'll never understand it,
how her complete realness,
letting me see that,
is what gives her the greatest beauty.
On the surface...
I love her hair,
its red and curls.
her eyes,
the glass blue.
But seeing her flaws,
letting me that close.
to see her heart,
into the soul of her being,
that is when I am astounded by her beauty.
despite knowing things less than perfect about her.
She comes across as well put together,
as close to perfect as one can get.
Then I saw her slowed down,
exposed and opened up to me,
saw every part of her,
all that keeps her closed off.
It was then that she was even more beautiful.
As she sits there "starfishing",
laughing at herself,
calling herself awkward,
she has completely won me over,
showed me herself at her most beautiful.
She'll never understand it,
how her complete realness,
letting me see that,
is what gives her the greatest beauty.
On the surface...
I love her hair,
its red and curls.
her eyes,
the glass blue.
But seeing her flaws,
letting me that close.
to see her heart,
into the soul of her being,
that is when I am astounded by her beauty.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Lessons...I've got strong feelings today....
Settle in,
pay me mind.
All I request is your time,
a chance to make you think,
before your mouth sets into words,
before your apologies will be eternally too late.
There's this word I wish to explore...
HOMOPHOBIA,
at its roots its pretty simple,
sameness and fear,
the fear of being the same.
To be honest,
at that meaning,
its a word I quite like to hear.
Everyone should know it and exercise it,
everyone should fear being completely the same,
everyone should seek to be different and their own person.
However,
that is not the connotation it carries,
it carries that of a hateful nature,
it refers to a set of feelings about homosexuals.
The word is used to spread hatred,
to induce fear,
to teach that treating someone wrongly is right.
It is not about one's own fear,
it is about the fear that one spreads.
Lets be honest there is nothing to be feared,
not by those who attach themselves to groups that act on it.
There is fear to be felt by those on the receiving end,
the knowledge that someone else does not like and will mistreat them.
There is not fear on the giving end.
How can there be?!
What is there to fear?
You cannot "catch" it,
you cannot "get" it,
you've said yourself that it is a choice,
so you do not have the gene for it.
You've said it is something that must be chosen,
and you will never make that fateful mistake.
There is however fear on the receiving end.
How couldn't there be?!
There are so many acts committed against them,
all the hate crimes in the news just continue to prove.
From beatings to rapes,
from losing family to losing ones own life.
Before you open your mouth to tell me its a lie,
realize I'm not just speaking from the words of television,
I've seen the crimes,
with my own eyes.
I may have evaded or escaped,
I may have seen and not felt,
but I was there and it was happening.
The threats were made,
and the fear was set into me.
If your next thought is to tell me it was deserved,
you are wrong,
for believing there was any provocation,
for believing that any human deserves such treatment!
So, before you seek to "teach" me,
slow down a second and answer me this...
is it the greater sin to love,
or to hate, judge, belittle, condemn,
beat, batter, bruise,
and/or rape,
one of God's beloved children?!
Do you still think you'll teach me the error of my ways?
Because I think you've got more to learn,
I think your lesson to be learned from me,
is more important that the one you seek to teach me.
The lesson on love and caring I have to share seems to outweigh,
the lesson you want to teach me because I "chose" the "wrong" mate.
Plunge
Not sure why I had these posts on here that were just sitting in draft mode...went through and posted them all...will have to go back and read all the lovely things I was keeping hidden up here...but now everyone can. Hopefully all the embarrassing stuff that I may choose to delete the next time I can sit down with it will not be read before then lol
Relationship Chatter...
Strange that this post wouldn't let me write it just days before it became irrelevant...
So I haven't been around much, been reading in and posting random stuff like things that are prompted but as far as the old relationshipy type stuff I used to post, its been a bit of a no go as of late...with that said I've got some relationshipy stuff going on and I need to blurt it all out in one place really quick and have it all aired!
So here it goes, there are several people involved in my latest relationship stuff...Dollface, Baby Boi and Chase.
Baby Boi and I have been friend for five years. When we first met I was dating someone and BB was infatuated with me. We spent several months being semi attached at the hip before he left the school we were both attending and became a little less attached to one another. We none the less held onto a pretty fair friendship for a good year or so. After which we became slightly more astaranged but still were very much so friends. During the course of relationships we had we grew further apart and especially based on a relationship I watched BB have with a friend I lost some of my respect and care for BB. We became pretty distanced but always cared enough that if something big was going on we checked in on each other. Fast forward to June when I was having a bit of an emotionally crazy life situation and caught a message he posted about wanting a cuddle buddy and responded with the fact that I could fill that position on a trip I'd be taking shortly to move to Minnesota by way of Milwaukee, where he lives. We decided to make that arrangment happen and in the process of plans being made ended talking about sex and our mutual lack of it recently, which made the purpose of the layover in Milwaukee cuddles and sex for us both. The whole plan was for this to be a chance for us both to get something we were in need of and no additional connection beyond the rekindling of the friendship. This however did not turn out that way.
While I was in Milwaukee we spent our time being gaggingly cute and anyone that saw the way we behaved would have undoubtably thought couple not friends. I spent several days more than I had planned there and in the process there seemed to be a beginning to something else, something bigger. I walked away from that trip calling him Baby Boi and making plans to do other things together, cry as I drove away. We've had four months now of whatever we're doing. In the begining things were great and I loved every minute of it. I wanted nothing more than to figure out how to get back perminantly and do the whole playing house thing together.
About two or three weeks into our we'll call it relationship to be simple the topic started of being open or poly. The discussion and decision to be was based in several things, one of them being the past experiences of each of us individually, and the other big one being the reappearance of Doll Face in both of our lives.
It seems about time to introduce Dollface now. I was saying she reappeared in both my life and Baby Boi's which means we've all got history. DF and I are also long time friends like BB and I. I have known DF for right around four years now. We were best friends for about six months or so, in whcih time her and BB we together. She is the freind I saw BB mistreat and lost respect for him over. She and I had our bout of what seemed like it could have become a relationship but at the time her and BB were together and due to them getting back together from a break up that never occured. She and I when we started talking again for the first time really explained this out to one another and had this realization that we both very much so wished to see what could possibly be of that. In talking to her the relationshp between BB and I came out and there was a period of her and I having long painful conversations. Eventually it was understood that if she could she would like a do over with each of us. There were ups and downs to this path but it eventually was come to.
There is now a triangular relationship of sorts occuring between the three of us. This realtionship is fairly current but the conversation behind it was discussed when she intially came into our lives again. As it currently stands there is within our grouping four relationships occuring symaltaneously. A relationship had on the paired level between each of us with the other along with our combined realtionshp all together as three people. This relationshp setting does not seem to cause issues for us, while BB has some jealousy issues they do not seem to be too terribly show with the grouping of us three, he wants all of my attention and affections but seems to have an easy enough time doing part with some to allow her to have some of it. At least this is the concept of things I have seen. The two of them both live in Milwaukee and seem to have really gotten into a swing of a solid friendship doing things together regularly and seeming to have a good time.
Learning to swallow my words, "feelings aren't about fair or equal" (sometimes its hard to take your own advice). Got to keep marching forward, getting hurt because you put it out there is better than getting hurt because you didn't know you could have had what you wanted until it was too late.
So I haven't been around much, been reading in and posting random stuff like things that are prompted but as far as the old relationshipy type stuff I used to post, its been a bit of a no go as of late...with that said I've got some relationshipy stuff going on and I need to blurt it all out in one place really quick and have it all aired!
So here it goes, there are several people involved in my latest relationship stuff...Dollface, Baby Boi and Chase.
Baby Boi and I have been friend for five years. When we first met I was dating someone and BB was infatuated with me. We spent several months being semi attached at the hip before he left the school we were both attending and became a little less attached to one another. We none the less held onto a pretty fair friendship for a good year or so. After which we became slightly more astaranged but still were very much so friends. During the course of relationships we had we grew further apart and especially based on a relationship I watched BB have with a friend I lost some of my respect and care for BB. We became pretty distanced but always cared enough that if something big was going on we checked in on each other. Fast forward to June when I was having a bit of an emotionally crazy life situation and caught a message he posted about wanting a cuddle buddy and responded with the fact that I could fill that position on a trip I'd be taking shortly to move to Minnesota by way of Milwaukee, where he lives. We decided to make that arrangment happen and in the process of plans being made ended talking about sex and our mutual lack of it recently, which made the purpose of the layover in Milwaukee cuddles and sex for us both. The whole plan was for this to be a chance for us both to get something we were in need of and no additional connection beyond the rekindling of the friendship. This however did not turn out that way.
While I was in Milwaukee we spent our time being gaggingly cute and anyone that saw the way we behaved would have undoubtably thought couple not friends. I spent several days more than I had planned there and in the process there seemed to be a beginning to something else, something bigger. I walked away from that trip calling him Baby Boi and making plans to do other things together, cry as I drove away. We've had four months now of whatever we're doing. In the begining things were great and I loved every minute of it. I wanted nothing more than to figure out how to get back perminantly and do the whole playing house thing together.
About two or three weeks into our we'll call it relationship to be simple the topic started of being open or poly. The discussion and decision to be was based in several things, one of them being the past experiences of each of us individually, and the other big one being the reappearance of Doll Face in both of our lives.
It seems about time to introduce Dollface now. I was saying she reappeared in both my life and Baby Boi's which means we've all got history. DF and I are also long time friends like BB and I. I have known DF for right around four years now. We were best friends for about six months or so, in whcih time her and BB we together. She is the freind I saw BB mistreat and lost respect for him over. She and I had our bout of what seemed like it could have become a relationship but at the time her and BB were together and due to them getting back together from a break up that never occured. She and I when we started talking again for the first time really explained this out to one another and had this realization that we both very much so wished to see what could possibly be of that. In talking to her the relationshp between BB and I came out and there was a period of her and I having long painful conversations. Eventually it was understood that if she could she would like a do over with each of us. There were ups and downs to this path but it eventually was come to.
There is now a triangular relationship of sorts occuring between the three of us. This realtionship is fairly current but the conversation behind it was discussed when she intially came into our lives again. As it currently stands there is within our grouping four relationships occuring symaltaneously. A relationship had on the paired level between each of us with the other along with our combined realtionshp all together as three people. This relationshp setting does not seem to cause issues for us, while BB has some jealousy issues they do not seem to be too terribly show with the grouping of us three, he wants all of my attention and affections but seems to have an easy enough time doing part with some to allow her to have some of it. At least this is the concept of things I have seen. The two of them both live in Milwaukee and seem to have really gotten into a swing of a solid friendship doing things together regularly and seeming to have a good time.
Learning to swallow my words, "feelings aren't about fair or equal" (sometimes its hard to take your own advice). Got to keep marching forward, getting hurt because you put it out there is better than getting hurt because you didn't know you could have had what you wanted until it was too late.
Questions...
1-Can you sleep in socks?
2-What is your favorite animal?
3-How many living grandparents do you have?
4-What do you or did you call your grandparents?
5-Who is the most important person in your life?
6-If you were engaged to someone and they got into an accident that left them paraplegic, would you still marry them or back out?
7-Do you think your friends believe your sex life is better or worst than it actually is?
8-If you wanted to have sex but your partner didn't would you rather they turn you down or go through with it for your benefit?
9-What is something silly you've been known to do to your significant others? What reaction do you generally get?
10-When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
11-What are your pet peeves?
12-Cake or pie?
13-Do you prefer nights in or nights out?
14-Do you prefer to be hot or cold?
15-Are you a covers hog?
16-What is your favorite drink? (alcoholic and/or nonalcoholic)
17-What is your favorite meal?
18-What is your favorite kid of food?
19-What is your favorite sandwich?
20-What is your favorite kind of pizza? (crust, sauce, toppings)
21-What is your biggest fear?
22-Where would you most like to be right now?
23-Where would you least like to be right now?
24-What nationality are you?
25-What is your favorite scent?
26-Color or black and white photographs?
27-How long do you really take to get ready in the morning?
28-Do you dance in the car?
29-What is your favorite part of the day?
30-What is your favorite season?
31-Sunrises or sunsets?
32-What is your favorite flower?
33-what is your favorite color?
34-When do you prefer to shower?
35-Have you been outside of the United States?
36-Where would you like to visit, US and Internationally?
37-Do you prefer to drive or be the passenger?
38-What is your dream home? (location and house design)
39-When you're made to you sulk up or talk about it?
40-What do you prefer to sleep in?
41-How many people have you dated?
42-How many people have you slept with?
43-What is your perfect date?
44-What is the best gift someone has ever given you?
45-What did you want to be when you grew up?
46-What level of PDA do you generally show?
47-Do you have any phobias?
48-Is is creepy or cute to wake up to your partner watching you sleep?
49-Is it weird or a turn on to wake up receiving oral?
50-What are you allergic to?
51-What is your favorite type of museum?
52-Do you like theme parks?
53-Favorite article of clothing?
54-How many pillows do you sleep with?
55-What is your favorite cereal?
56-Preferred partner grooming level?
57-Have you ever been cheated on?
58-Have you ever cheated?
59-Craziest place you've had sex?
60-Preferred undergarments, on yourself and a partner?
61-Little spoon or big spoon?
61-Most erotic place you can be touched?
63-Feelings about strap-ons?
64-How often would you have sex preferably?
65-Favorite place to take time alone?
66-Do you like having your hair played with?
67-What do you go to first on the playground?
68-Favorite snack food?
69-What's your favorite color?
70-Do you have and piercings or tattoos?
2-What is your favorite animal?
3-How many living grandparents do you have?
4-What do you or did you call your grandparents?
5-Who is the most important person in your life?
6-If you were engaged to someone and they got into an accident that left them paraplegic, would you still marry them or back out?
7-Do you think your friends believe your sex life is better or worst than it actually is?
8-If you wanted to have sex but your partner didn't would you rather they turn you down or go through with it for your benefit?
9-What is something silly you've been known to do to your significant others? What reaction do you generally get?
10-When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
11-What are your pet peeves?
12-Cake or pie?
13-Do you prefer nights in or nights out?
14-Do you prefer to be hot or cold?
15-Are you a covers hog?
16-What is your favorite drink? (alcoholic and/or nonalcoholic)
17-What is your favorite meal?
18-What is your favorite kid of food?
19-What is your favorite sandwich?
20-What is your favorite kind of pizza? (crust, sauce, toppings)
21-What is your biggest fear?
22-Where would you most like to be right now?
23-Where would you least like to be right now?
24-What nationality are you?
25-What is your favorite scent?
26-Color or black and white photographs?
27-How long do you really take to get ready in the morning?
28-Do you dance in the car?
29-What is your favorite part of the day?
30-What is your favorite season?
31-Sunrises or sunsets?
32-What is your favorite flower?
33-what is your favorite color?
34-When do you prefer to shower?
35-Have you been outside of the United States?
36-Where would you like to visit, US and Internationally?
37-Do you prefer to drive or be the passenger?
38-What is your dream home? (location and house design)
39-When you're made to you sulk up or talk about it?
40-What do you prefer to sleep in?
41-How many people have you dated?
42-How many people have you slept with?
43-What is your perfect date?
44-What is the best gift someone has ever given you?
45-What did you want to be when you grew up?
46-What level of PDA do you generally show?
47-Do you have any phobias?
48-Is is creepy or cute to wake up to your partner watching you sleep?
49-Is it weird or a turn on to wake up receiving oral?
50-What are you allergic to?
51-What is your favorite type of museum?
52-Do you like theme parks?
53-Favorite article of clothing?
54-How many pillows do you sleep with?
55-What is your favorite cereal?
56-Preferred partner grooming level?
57-Have you ever been cheated on?
58-Have you ever cheated?
59-Craziest place you've had sex?
60-Preferred undergarments, on yourself and a partner?
61-Little spoon or big spoon?
61-Most erotic place you can be touched?
63-Feelings about strap-ons?
64-How often would you have sex preferably?
65-Favorite place to take time alone?
66-Do you like having your hair played with?
67-What do you go to first on the playground?
68-Favorite snack food?
69-What's your favorite color?
70-Do you have and piercings or tattoos?
This blog has been a long time coming and yet much of it has only come to me tonight, well fully materialized itself. I love going new places and being shown things I've been looking for the words/images/means of expression for but been unable to communicate myself.
I don't know where to begin this, it has many beginnings, instances that have sparked different thoughts.
Tonight I watched a slide show/performance that hit home and re-sparked my desire to say something about this internal and external struggle with gender, gendering myself, and being gendered by others. I watched images of women from television, newspapers, magazines, etc be displayed as clothing with terms were removed and destroyed, symbolizing at least to me the ripping off and disconnecting from them. Words like women, beauty, sex, princess...words that have and are connected to me by other people but are not wholly my own claim, at least not any longer. There are so many words that have been placed upon me by outsiders but they don't see what I feel, they cannot see what is on the inside looking out, they are not even on the outside looking in, they're just looking at.
I understand that for many of the people who say and do things that make me feel gendered, they do not understand the dynamic and ever present for me difference between sex and gender. While it does not leave me feeling a good feeling on the insides there are different letters, words, identifies that are used for not all of us but some of us, a group I belong to, to express these two. If you tell me I need to fill out a legal document and all of that fun, or not so fun legality of, its perjury if I don't answer in a way that the government has me listed based on what that doctor saw when he helped usher me into the world. If that's the requirements you give me I'll put an F down on your paper...I'll go along with the discussion, I'll even be so kind as to fill out the affirmative action paperwork and put it there as well. But if you ask me where I put myself and really care to listen and care about my story I'll tell you something more along the lines of GQ, genderqueer, I'll go into the details you need or want. I'll speak to you to whatever end you wish to hear. If you catch me on a day when I'm not as sharing, or you feel a little less open to the whole discussion I'll just tell you to put me in the M box.
I don't know where to begin this, it has many beginnings, instances that have sparked different thoughts.
Tonight I watched a slide show/performance that hit home and re-sparked my desire to say something about this internal and external struggle with gender, gendering myself, and being gendered by others. I watched images of women from television, newspapers, magazines, etc be displayed as clothing with terms were removed and destroyed, symbolizing at least to me the ripping off and disconnecting from them. Words like women, beauty, sex, princess...words that have and are connected to me by other people but are not wholly my own claim, at least not any longer. There are so many words that have been placed upon me by outsiders but they don't see what I feel, they cannot see what is on the inside looking out, they are not even on the outside looking in, they're just looking at.
I understand that for many of the people who say and do things that make me feel gendered, they do not understand the dynamic and ever present for me difference between sex and gender. While it does not leave me feeling a good feeling on the insides there are different letters, words, identifies that are used for not all of us but some of us, a group I belong to, to express these two. If you tell me I need to fill out a legal document and all of that fun, or not so fun legality of, its perjury if I don't answer in a way that the government has me listed based on what that doctor saw when he helped usher me into the world. If that's the requirements you give me I'll put an F down on your paper...I'll go along with the discussion, I'll even be so kind as to fill out the affirmative action paperwork and put it there as well. But if you ask me where I put myself and really care to listen and care about my story I'll tell you something more along the lines of GQ, genderqueer, I'll go into the details you need or want. I'll speak to you to whatever end you wish to hear. If you catch me on a day when I'm not as sharing, or you feel a little less open to the whole discussion I'll just tell you to put me in the M box.
Just had an interesting and out of the blue realization. I have since childhood looked at the things my father did and wanted to be more like him, do things with him, envied my cousin for the time he spent with my dad, the things they did together. I always thought it was just being a daddy's girl and jealous of his time spent with anyone else, but maybe it was deeper than that. (Truth: I gagged a little on the use of the term daddy's girl in reference to myself. I was definitely a little girl back then but it still bites a bit.)
So here's the realization and its kinda short and I dunno I haven't really thought fully into it but I felt the need to put it down while it was freshly in my head as not to forget that I had it and recognized it as something of importance to my thoughts on how I got here. I wonder if it has taken as long as it has for me to openly see my genderqueer self and fully feel the feelings of discomfort because of the birth control I was on for nearly ten years. When you have visual cues of masculinely identified traits they give you this to "correct" it. I just wonder if though that was not the intended purpose of my use that side effect produced itself. Maybe I would have wound up shaped, voiced, etc differently if I hadn't had so many issues with hormone levels. The fact that hormone level increase corrected my issue says to me that I didn't have enough of them and maybe life would be different if I hadn't popped a pill to "fix" that.
Ok, maybe they are totally unrelated and nothing would be different except I would have suffered more for the things that plagued me in those ten years. Maybe I'm just finally at a place with myself and the world where I don't care if people think I am different or strange, where I know there are safety nets and support systems that are available if I really need them. As much as I know that maybe its about the nurture sense right now...something inside churns from wondering if maybe there's some nature at play here too. Maybe there is both.
Its days like today, days I don't have often but they tend to plant themselves within my coming out processes that I think, I really wish I had not been so sheltered, I wish I had been allowed to see the people who are the "other" in our society. I grew up in Detroit and I can tell you a lot about families that were roughing it and kids that were only eating lunch because they couldn't afford to eat at home. I can tell you about the fact that it took me a long time to realize that my friends that had darker skin didn't simply tan better. I had a good deal of things that were open to me, but I think they were out of simply being there not anyone who was nurturing me wishing them into existence.
I however didn't know anything about being gay or it being a possible lifestyle, yeah that's what we'll call it, until my cousin came out and it was so shamefully discussed with me that I didn't ask what it was or think about it as a option for me. Even though I had already done homosexual things by that time, not that anyone outside of the person I had done them with knew. It took me stumbling upon a GSA in high school to really get any word on what it was, what it meant and be told, that while the bible says its so wrong which I don't even know that I had heard that argument yet, its just about who we love and its just as natural as being heterosexual.
As for trans, genderqueer, differently gendered etc, that took til high school too. I was introduced to the idea while I was in my senior year of high school and it spoke to me but I wasn't really sure how to get on board. I had been so heavily cultured into my femaleness that getting outside of that box was strange. I loved and appreciate the people I saw taking steps outside of the box of the sex they were born to, but felt behind, unaware, silly to try to open up the possibilities for myself, I told myself I was a girl, I liked girly things and just needed to stop trying to get on board with something I thought was a trendy thing. I thought it was just something new and different and forced myself not to think too much about it. Really I held myself back, how stupid was I? More afraid, I was just starting to come out as not straight and that was charging high enough tolls as it was.
Now though, now I'm starting to think through it more and realize this isn't just trendy, this is who I am. I've just got to allow myself to open up to it.
So here's the realization and its kinda short and I dunno I haven't really thought fully into it but I felt the need to put it down while it was freshly in my head as not to forget that I had it and recognized it as something of importance to my thoughts on how I got here. I wonder if it has taken as long as it has for me to openly see my genderqueer self and fully feel the feelings of discomfort because of the birth control I was on for nearly ten years. When you have visual cues of masculinely identified traits they give you this to "correct" it. I just wonder if though that was not the intended purpose of my use that side effect produced itself. Maybe I would have wound up shaped, voiced, etc differently if I hadn't had so many issues with hormone levels. The fact that hormone level increase corrected my issue says to me that I didn't have enough of them and maybe life would be different if I hadn't popped a pill to "fix" that.
Ok, maybe they are totally unrelated and nothing would be different except I would have suffered more for the things that plagued me in those ten years. Maybe I'm just finally at a place with myself and the world where I don't care if people think I am different or strange, where I know there are safety nets and support systems that are available if I really need them. As much as I know that maybe its about the nurture sense right now...something inside churns from wondering if maybe there's some nature at play here too. Maybe there is both.
Its days like today, days I don't have often but they tend to plant themselves within my coming out processes that I think, I really wish I had not been so sheltered, I wish I had been allowed to see the people who are the "other" in our society. I grew up in Detroit and I can tell you a lot about families that were roughing it and kids that were only eating lunch because they couldn't afford to eat at home. I can tell you about the fact that it took me a long time to realize that my friends that had darker skin didn't simply tan better. I had a good deal of things that were open to me, but I think they were out of simply being there not anyone who was nurturing me wishing them into existence.
I however didn't know anything about being gay or it being a possible lifestyle, yeah that's what we'll call it, until my cousin came out and it was so shamefully discussed with me that I didn't ask what it was or think about it as a option for me. Even though I had already done homosexual things by that time, not that anyone outside of the person I had done them with knew. It took me stumbling upon a GSA in high school to really get any word on what it was, what it meant and be told, that while the bible says its so wrong which I don't even know that I had heard that argument yet, its just about who we love and its just as natural as being heterosexual.
As for trans, genderqueer, differently gendered etc, that took til high school too. I was introduced to the idea while I was in my senior year of high school and it spoke to me but I wasn't really sure how to get on board. I had been so heavily cultured into my femaleness that getting outside of that box was strange. I loved and appreciate the people I saw taking steps outside of the box of the sex they were born to, but felt behind, unaware, silly to try to open up the possibilities for myself, I told myself I was a girl, I liked girly things and just needed to stop trying to get on board with something I thought was a trendy thing. I thought it was just something new and different and forced myself not to think too much about it. Really I held myself back, how stupid was I? More afraid, I was just starting to come out as not straight and that was charging high enough tolls as it was.
Now though, now I'm starting to think through it more and realize this isn't just trendy, this is who I am. I've just got to allow myself to open up to it.
A Friend From the Past--someone you lost in any way
There are these inspirations,
they say you pick who stays and goes,
but I never would have let you go.
I barely got to knowing you,
I remember little moments,
weekends together and fast one's I tried to pull.
They say not many knew the things I learned,
it all just seemed so natural to have caught you that one time,
you know what I'm talking about,
it took years for me to tell anyone what I saw that day.
but once I finally caught the nerve to share what had happened,
that's when I finally realized why you reacted in the way you did,
you were gonna beat my butt so bad...
I just thought you were crazy.
I always thought you were a little off your rocker,
but I figured that was a southern grandmothers thing,
hell years later I met me another one,
she brought back some of the funniest memories.
When I lost her it was a little like losing you again too.
I have so few memories of you,
just wasn't old enough to hold onto everything,
I remember bits and pieces,
at the strangest of times.
Something happens and I'm drawn back,
bits and pieces but never wholes,
just bits and pieces,
until slowly if I'm lucky I'll put together most of a story.
I've just got these little things.
My obsession with juicy fruit.
My longing for welfare cheese,
it really does make the best grilled cheese ever!
Oh and don't forget Vernor's Colada,
drinking those puts me at ease,
and can right so many things.
If it was my choice I'd crash into those memories,
I'd run headlong into anything there was to collect of what we did,
drive myself carelessly into that like kids on dodgems.
I wish at six I would have known how much I had lost,
known better how to hold onto you and our memories,
I was only six when you became my last grandmother.
At that age if I had known what I know now,
I never would have complained about a single day,
I would have spent more time with you,
asked you to tell me more of your story.
Beyond what they told me about you I didn't,
I don't know much.
I know you're from the south and you grew up on a farm,
at least that's why you said you refused to drink milk...
all the drinking straight from the cow made you full of milk,
you didn't need any more after all of those years.
I just knew I loved you and repeated the things I heard said.
You never seemed to hold any of the stuff I repeated against me.
Only ever telling me to knock it off when I was being too crazy,
like trying to eat your whole brick of cheese in a day...
I think that thing was my weight in cheese.
If I had known then that Vernor's Coladas would be a pick-me-up,
I wouldn't have thought my parents were crazy for buying the stuff every time I came over.
Regardless of their intentions they gave me something to hold onto you with and I'm thankful.
While I'm talking of the things that keep me thinking of you in the happiest of ways,
we've got this obsession with juicy fruit,
I know it has to do with you,
in the way that winterfresh is about Grama...
but you see I remember why I attach that to her but I don't really know why juicy fruit is you...
I imagine you must have chewed it...
trying to think back to our time together in your apartment,
I'm drawing nothing but blanks.
I can nearly recall every rug burn I got from that hallway running for your door,
sitting here now I can picture taking a walk down that hall.
Back in those days I would have sworn you were clairvoyant,
the way I wouldn't say anything but you'd still look over and tell me off.
You were just trying to tame me,
that's about the only way you at your age and with all of your medical crap,
was going to keep up and put up with me at such a young and wild-child age.
There is no way your agility was anywhere near that of me,
I was young and a crazy little dancer,
who could get away with just about anything,
mostly because I could get away from nearly anyone.
If only holding onto everything would have been easier,
your value in my life hadn't been so obscure to me back then.
There are these inspirations,
they say you pick who stays and goes,
but I never would have let you go.
I barely got to knowing you,
I remember little moments,
weekends together and fast one's I tried to pull.
They say not many knew the things I learned,
it all just seemed so natural to have caught you that one time,
you know what I'm talking about,
it took years for me to tell anyone what I saw that day.
but once I finally caught the nerve to share what had happened,
that's when I finally realized why you reacted in the way you did,
you were gonna beat my butt so bad...
I just thought you were crazy.
I always thought you were a little off your rocker,
but I figured that was a southern grandmothers thing,
hell years later I met me another one,
she brought back some of the funniest memories.
When I lost her it was a little like losing you again too.
I have so few memories of you,
just wasn't old enough to hold onto everything,
I remember bits and pieces,
at the strangest of times.
Something happens and I'm drawn back,
bits and pieces but never wholes,
just bits and pieces,
until slowly if I'm lucky I'll put together most of a story.
I've just got these little things.
My obsession with juicy fruit.
My longing for welfare cheese,
it really does make the best grilled cheese ever!
Oh and don't forget Vernor's Colada,
drinking those puts me at ease,
and can right so many things.
If it was my choice I'd crash into those memories,
I'd run headlong into anything there was to collect of what we did,
drive myself carelessly into that like kids on dodgems.
I wish at six I would have known how much I had lost,
known better how to hold onto you and our memories,
I was only six when you became my last grandmother.
At that age if I had known what I know now,
I never would have complained about a single day,
I would have spent more time with you,
asked you to tell me more of your story.
Beyond what they told me about you I didn't,
I don't know much.
I know you're from the south and you grew up on a farm,
at least that's why you said you refused to drink milk...
all the drinking straight from the cow made you full of milk,
you didn't need any more after all of those years.
I just knew I loved you and repeated the things I heard said.
You never seemed to hold any of the stuff I repeated against me.
Only ever telling me to knock it off when I was being too crazy,
like trying to eat your whole brick of cheese in a day...
I think that thing was my weight in cheese.
If I had known then that Vernor's Coladas would be a pick-me-up,
I wouldn't have thought my parents were crazy for buying the stuff every time I came over.
Regardless of their intentions they gave me something to hold onto you with and I'm thankful.
While I'm talking of the things that keep me thinking of you in the happiest of ways,
we've got this obsession with juicy fruit,
I know it has to do with you,
in the way that winterfresh is about Grama...
but you see I remember why I attach that to her but I don't really know why juicy fruit is you...
I imagine you must have chewed it...
trying to think back to our time together in your apartment,
I'm drawing nothing but blanks.
I can nearly recall every rug burn I got from that hallway running for your door,
sitting here now I can picture taking a walk down that hall.
Back in those days I would have sworn you were clairvoyant,
the way I wouldn't say anything but you'd still look over and tell me off.
You were just trying to tame me,
that's about the only way you at your age and with all of your medical crap,
was going to keep up and put up with me at such a young and wild-child age.
There is no way your agility was anywhere near that of me,
I was young and a crazy little dancer,
who could get away with just about anything,
mostly because I could get away from nearly anyone.
If only holding onto everything would have been easier,
your value in my life hadn't been so obscure to me back then.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
the great divide
I so rarely go here that I had forgotten how much it bothers me, irritates me, hurts me and leaves me feeling torn in half...I'd really completely forgotten how it makes me feel all together.
I've been in a baseline, moderate, whole place for several months now and this feeling of the great divide ripping me in two seems to hurt extra, tearing at a wound that had healed up so much better this time around, the tear is almost fresh...
dearest mania,
I love you,
how couldn't I?!
marvelous depression,
I love you,
you cradle me sweetly,
we hide together so well!
on nights like these,
when you've both evaded me,
been gone out of my daily for so long,
I don't know who to pick.
nails on the canvas,
sounds so much more beautiful than it feels,
or maybe I liked the way it feels...
I can't recall but I remember crying the last time I thought about it,
maybe it hurts or maybe I just don't like that any more...
oh darling depression I forget so much of you,
I apologize but we know it was safe and wise,
we weren't meant to be together forever,
it was always a losing race.
car into a brick wall,
well that'd sure make it hard to get anywhere else,
but maybe I wouldn't need to go anywhere else any how,
maybe barbie and I could just take our final ride...
maybe just speed around town with the windows down,
its even warm enough to not freeze to death,
not sure if that's good or bad yet...
I image its just a detail.
ah the loveliness of a midnight drive to nowhere,
the speeding on empty streets,
the peace that comes,
if I could only control the crazy right now it might be great...
I know we're hanging out,
hanging tight so tight,
strangle you if you try to get away tight,
right now mania...
I know you'll win and get me into trouble...
I'm not sure of the rules of this game,
the places where its safe to be unsafe,
I know it'd end badly...
without knowledge of the safe havens tonight.
there are so many enemies to the baseline,
two of them the things that rip me in two,
both enemies,
both out to get the baseline...
who'll likely be back tomorrow,
into a place they don't want to be...
maybe they'll be scars,
maybe they'll be legal repercussions,
maybe they'll be someone laying next to us in bed,
all the maybes that depression and mania could lead baseline to...
why must such wicked enemies hide behind these green hues?!
I know I said I love you,
I do...
but when we last departed
I was happy to have seen the last of yous.
I've been in a baseline, moderate, whole place for several months now and this feeling of the great divide ripping me in two seems to hurt extra, tearing at a wound that had healed up so much better this time around, the tear is almost fresh...
dearest mania,
I love you,
how couldn't I?!
marvelous depression,
I love you,
you cradle me sweetly,
we hide together so well!
on nights like these,
when you've both evaded me,
been gone out of my daily for so long,
I don't know who to pick.
nails on the canvas,
sounds so much more beautiful than it feels,
or maybe I liked the way it feels...
I can't recall but I remember crying the last time I thought about it,
maybe it hurts or maybe I just don't like that any more...
oh darling depression I forget so much of you,
I apologize but we know it was safe and wise,
we weren't meant to be together forever,
it was always a losing race.
car into a brick wall,
well that'd sure make it hard to get anywhere else,
but maybe I wouldn't need to go anywhere else any how,
maybe barbie and I could just take our final ride...
maybe just speed around town with the windows down,
its even warm enough to not freeze to death,
not sure if that's good or bad yet...
I image its just a detail.
ah the loveliness of a midnight drive to nowhere,
the speeding on empty streets,
the peace that comes,
if I could only control the crazy right now it might be great...
I know we're hanging out,
hanging tight so tight,
strangle you if you try to get away tight,
right now mania...
I know you'll win and get me into trouble...
I'm not sure of the rules of this game,
the places where its safe to be unsafe,
I know it'd end badly...
without knowledge of the safe havens tonight.
there are so many enemies to the baseline,
two of them the things that rip me in two,
both enemies,
both out to get the baseline...
who'll likely be back tomorrow,
into a place they don't want to be...
maybe they'll be scars,
maybe they'll be legal repercussions,
maybe they'll be someone laying next to us in bed,
all the maybes that depression and mania could lead baseline to...
why must such wicked enemies hide behind these green hues?!
I know I said I love you,
I do...
but when we last departed
I was happy to have seen the last of yous.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Come On, And Learn Me
To the tune of Come On, Get Higher by Matt Nathanson
I hate the sound of my voice,
I love the soft of my skin,
I hate the curves of my body,
not a reflexion of what's within'.
Oh if I could walk on water,
if I could tell you who I am,
I'd make you believe,
you'd help me forget.
So come on and learn me,
loosen my grips,
love and acceptance,
oh the words from your lips.
Just pull me down hard,
and drown me in love.
So come on and learn me,
loosen my grips,
love and acceptance,
oh the words from your lips.
Just pull me down hard,
and drown me in love.
I hate the sound of my voice,
loudest thing in my head,
and I ache to remember,
all the judging, cold, hurtful words that they said.
If I could walk on water,
if I could tell you who I am,
I'd make you believe,
you'd help me forget.
So come on and learn me,
loosen my grips,
love and acceptance,
oh the words from your lips.
Just pull me down hard,
and drown me in love.
So come on and learn me,
loosen my grips,
love and acceptance,
oh the words from your lips.
Just pull me down hard,
and drown me in love.
I hate the look in their eyes,
I taste the spite in their tone,
I see allies and haters and God,
when I speak up,
shout out,
shout out,
shout out,
shout out,
screamin' sha la la la la,
screamin' sha la la la la la,
So come on and learn me,
loosen my grips,
love and acceptance,
oh the words from your lips.
Just pull me down hard,
and drown me in love.
So come on and learn me,
loosen my grips,
love and acceptance,
oh the words from your lips.
Just pull me down hard,
and drown me,
drown me in love.
So wrong,
so wrong,
so wrong,
so right.
So come on and learn me.
So come on and learn me.
Cause everyone learns,
yes, everyone learns in the end.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Just had an interesting and out of the blue realization. I have since childhood looked at the things my father did and wanted to be more like him, do things with him, envied my cousin for the time he spent with my dad, the things they did together. I always thought it was just being a daddy's girl and jealous of his time spent with anyone else, but maybe it was deeper than that. (Truth: I gagged a little on the use of the term daddy's girl in reference to myself. I was definitely a little girl back then but it still bites a bit.)
So here's the realization and its kinda short and I dunno I haven't really thought fully into it but I felt the need to put it down while it was freshly in my head as not to forget that I had it and recognized it as something of importance to my thoughts on how I got here. I wonder if it has taken as long as it has for me to openly see my genderqueer self and fully feel the feelings of discomfort because of the birth control I was on for nearly ten years. When you have visual cues of masculinely identified traits they give you this to "correct" it. I just wonder if though that was not the intended purpose of my use that side effect produced itself. Maybe I would have wound up shaped, voiced, etc differently if I hadn't had so many issues with hormone levels. The fact that hormone level increase corrected my issue says to me that I didn't have enough of them and maybe life would be different if I hadn't popped a pill to "fix" that.
Ok, maybe they are totally unrelated and nothing would be different except I would have suffered more for the things that plagued me in those ten years. Maybe I'm just finally at a place with myself and the world where I don't care if people think I am different or strange, where I know there are safety nets and support systems that are available if I really need them. As much as I know that maybe its about the nurture sense right now...something inside churns from wondering if maybe there's some nature at play here too. Maybe there is both.
Its days like today, days I don't have often but they tend to plant themselves within my coming out processes that I think, I really wish I had not been so sheltered, I wish I had been allowed to see the people who are the "other" in our society. I grew up in Detroit and I can tell you a lot about families that were roughing it and kids that were only eating lunch because they couldn't afford to eat at home. I can tell you about the fact that it took me a long time to realize that my friends that had darker skin didn't simply tan better. I had a good deal of things that were open to me, but I think they were out of simply being there not anyone who was nurturing me wishing them into existence.
I however didn't know anything about being gay or it being a possible lifestyle, yeah that's what we'll call it, until my cousin came out and it was so shamefully discussed with me that I didn't ask what it was or think about it as a option for me. Even though I had already done homosexual things by that time, not that anyone outside of the person I had done them with knew. It took me stumbling upon a GSA in high school to really get any word on what it was, what it meant and be told, that while the bible says its so wrong which I don't even know that I had heard that argument yet, its just about who we love and its just as natural as being heterosexual.
As for trans, genderqueer, differently gendered etc, that took til high school too. I was introduced to the idea while I was in my senior year of high school and it spoke to me but I wasn't really sure how to get on board. I had been so heavily cultured into my femaleness that getting outside of that box was strange. I loved and appreciate the people I saw taking steps outside of the box of the sex they were born to, but felt behind, unaware, silly to try to open up the possibilities for myself, I told myself I was a girl, I liked girly things and just needed to stop trying to get on board with something I thought was a trendy thing. I thought it was just something new and different and forced myself not to think too much about it. Really I held myself back, how stupid was I? More afraid, I was just starting to come out as not straight and that was charging high enough tolls as it was.
Now though, now I'm starting to think through it more and realize that there is more to it, its not trendy and its not cool but its right for me. This box that was so neatly constructed for me to fit all of my femininity into is getting crowded because while others have been helping me pack a girl into here there's been someone else growing within me and there are just too many likes, dislikes, stories, loves, hurts, pains, traits and what-nots to fit into this place!
There is the part of me that takes comfort in being dad's babydoll and even on occasions mom's princess. There are parts of me that speak and swoon and giggle and talk about things in ways that fully keep up with the girls. The part of me that loves that I was in a sorority and loves my sisters. The part of me that even though I very very very rarely wear that insists that those dresses stay in the closet because she might need them, oh and those heels and tights and push up bras and all that other stuff she's collected for looking sexy lol.
At the same time and often in the same breath there is the part of me that takes comfort in being a significant other's baby boi, boifriend, teddy bare, that cringes at the thought of being someone's girlfriend and would much rather hear someone say he's mine. There is a part of me that speaks and laughs and tackles and punches and talks about things in ways that fully keep up with the boys. That belches and rates them, chugs a beer and thinks man-caves are the greatest shit ever. The part of me that loves my sisters but doesn't feel so comfortable with the sorority part because it lets people know I'm an F. The part of me that pushes those dresses into the back most corner of the closet and wears slacks and a dress shirt and tie, that loves the dark wash denim and dressing it up to look dapper as all get out whenever there's a good reason. Who cuts their hair short and keeps it groomed well, rocks the backwards ball cap and has an obsession with hats that is recently being kept in its place but new hats still find their way in on occasions. The part of me that thinks bras are ridiculous and painful and while binding is a bitch at times its way more comfortable most of the time...though if a sports bra could do the trick it'd be welcome to join daily use, but any way I can hide as much of my chest's fullness as possible is where I'm going to place my loyalties.
At this point I've lost track of where I was going with this so I'm gonna just stop. But its been nice to put this stuff into words and I guess I hope someone is actually reading and thinking and will say something to me about this, though harsh words can be kept to one's self.
So here's the realization and its kinda short and I dunno I haven't really thought fully into it but I felt the need to put it down while it was freshly in my head as not to forget that I had it and recognized it as something of importance to my thoughts on how I got here. I wonder if it has taken as long as it has for me to openly see my genderqueer self and fully feel the feelings of discomfort because of the birth control I was on for nearly ten years. When you have visual cues of masculinely identified traits they give you this to "correct" it. I just wonder if though that was not the intended purpose of my use that side effect produced itself. Maybe I would have wound up shaped, voiced, etc differently if I hadn't had so many issues with hormone levels. The fact that hormone level increase corrected my issue says to me that I didn't have enough of them and maybe life would be different if I hadn't popped a pill to "fix" that.
Ok, maybe they are totally unrelated and nothing would be different except I would have suffered more for the things that plagued me in those ten years. Maybe I'm just finally at a place with myself and the world where I don't care if people think I am different or strange, where I know there are safety nets and support systems that are available if I really need them. As much as I know that maybe its about the nurture sense right now...something inside churns from wondering if maybe there's some nature at play here too. Maybe there is both.
Its days like today, days I don't have often but they tend to plant themselves within my coming out processes that I think, I really wish I had not been so sheltered, I wish I had been allowed to see the people who are the "other" in our society. I grew up in Detroit and I can tell you a lot about families that were roughing it and kids that were only eating lunch because they couldn't afford to eat at home. I can tell you about the fact that it took me a long time to realize that my friends that had darker skin didn't simply tan better. I had a good deal of things that were open to me, but I think they were out of simply being there not anyone who was nurturing me wishing them into existence.
I however didn't know anything about being gay or it being a possible lifestyle, yeah that's what we'll call it, until my cousin came out and it was so shamefully discussed with me that I didn't ask what it was or think about it as a option for me. Even though I had already done homosexual things by that time, not that anyone outside of the person I had done them with knew. It took me stumbling upon a GSA in high school to really get any word on what it was, what it meant and be told, that while the bible says its so wrong which I don't even know that I had heard that argument yet, its just about who we love and its just as natural as being heterosexual.
As for trans, genderqueer, differently gendered etc, that took til high school too. I was introduced to the idea while I was in my senior year of high school and it spoke to me but I wasn't really sure how to get on board. I had been so heavily cultured into my femaleness that getting outside of that box was strange. I loved and appreciate the people I saw taking steps outside of the box of the sex they were born to, but felt behind, unaware, silly to try to open up the possibilities for myself, I told myself I was a girl, I liked girly things and just needed to stop trying to get on board with something I thought was a trendy thing. I thought it was just something new and different and forced myself not to think too much about it. Really I held myself back, how stupid was I? More afraid, I was just starting to come out as not straight and that was charging high enough tolls as it was.
Now though, now I'm starting to think through it more and realize that there is more to it, its not trendy and its not cool but its right for me. This box that was so neatly constructed for me to fit all of my femininity into is getting crowded because while others have been helping me pack a girl into here there's been someone else growing within me and there are just too many likes, dislikes, stories, loves, hurts, pains, traits and what-nots to fit into this place!
There is the part of me that takes comfort in being dad's babydoll and even on occasions mom's princess. There are parts of me that speak and swoon and giggle and talk about things in ways that fully keep up with the girls. The part of me that loves that I was in a sorority and loves my sisters. The part of me that even though I very very very rarely wear that insists that those dresses stay in the closet because she might need them, oh and those heels and tights and push up bras and all that other stuff she's collected for looking sexy lol.
At the same time and often in the same breath there is the part of me that takes comfort in being a significant other's baby boi, boifriend, teddy bare, that cringes at the thought of being someone's girlfriend and would much rather hear someone say he's mine. There is a part of me that speaks and laughs and tackles and punches and talks about things in ways that fully keep up with the boys. That belches and rates them, chugs a beer and thinks man-caves are the greatest shit ever. The part of me that loves my sisters but doesn't feel so comfortable with the sorority part because it lets people know I'm an F. The part of me that pushes those dresses into the back most corner of the closet and wears slacks and a dress shirt and tie, that loves the dark wash denim and dressing it up to look dapper as all get out whenever there's a good reason. Who cuts their hair short and keeps it groomed well, rocks the backwards ball cap and has an obsession with hats that is recently being kept in its place but new hats still find their way in on occasions. The part of me that thinks bras are ridiculous and painful and while binding is a bitch at times its way more comfortable most of the time...though if a sports bra could do the trick it'd be welcome to join daily use, but any way I can hide as much of my chest's fullness as possible is where I'm going to place my loyalties.
At this point I've lost track of where I was going with this so I'm gonna just stop. But its been nice to put this stuff into words and I guess I hope someone is actually reading and thinking and will say something to me about this, though harsh words can be kept to one's self.
Monday, November 7, 2011
if you don't mind...
if you don't mind
i'll be just fine
if you'll just let me
let me take your hand in mine
if you don't mine
i'll be okay
as long as you don't
don't go astray
if you don't mind
i'll hold you here until eternity
just stand in this circle
this circle here with me
if you don't mind
i'll give you my heart
if you promise me you weren't
you weren't lying from the start
i'll be just fine
if you'll just let me
let me take your hand in mine
if you don't mine
i'll be okay
as long as you don't
don't go astray
if you don't mind
i'll hold you here until eternity
just stand in this circle
this circle here with me
if you don't mind
i'll give you my heart
if you promise me you weren't
you weren't lying from the start
Friday, November 4, 2011
poem from back in the day...
she screams I love you [in her whispered voice] after you as you walk away
she is so very scared they are the last words she'll ever say
she hopes with all her heart and soul you've heard her exclamation
she knows whether or not you do you'll still stay turned away
she watches the tension in you change and wonders if it because of what she had to say
she wonders if you are relieved that you are gone from her to stay
she wonders if this is you happy that she's said it because you needed it, always will
she really only can wonder for now what will come of this, all of the emotions, there will be many a day
she will wait many days to find out if you are gone away or will return to stay
she will cry many tears listening to you say the things you always meant to say
she will cry many tears hearing in her own head the things she meant to say
she will be hurt for many days and night and never be quiet again alright
she is the girl you leave behind when you turn your back, out of mind and out of sight
she is so very scared they are the last words she'll ever say
she hopes with all her heart and soul you've heard her exclamation
she knows whether or not you do you'll still stay turned away
she watches the tension in you change and wonders if it because of what she had to say
she wonders if you are relieved that you are gone from her to stay
she wonders if this is you happy that she's said it because you needed it, always will
she really only can wonder for now what will come of this, all of the emotions, there will be many a day
she will wait many days to find out if you are gone away or will return to stay
she will cry many tears listening to you say the things you always meant to say
she will cry many tears hearing in her own head the things she meant to say
she will be hurt for many days and night and never be quiet again alright
she is the girl you leave behind when you turn your back, out of mind and out of sight
open up...
I wrote this just under a year ago and just found it, felt like sharing, maybe I shared it then too but I like it enough to post twice!
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
Do whatever you have to do to hear what it is I have come here to say.
You stand there awaiting your turn on bated breaths, but you're not hearing,
how could you be hearing when you're thinking so damn hard, waiting so damn impatiently.
You want to know everything,
then stop thinking about all that you wish to know and take all that it is I am here giving.
You want more, do not think about it in the moments when I am sharing all I am willing.
The more you think as I speak the shorter my sharing becomes.
Who wants to watch thinking when they need to see thoughtfulness at their words.
I want to see you responding to what I am saying not thinking of how to retort.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
Open your ears and close your mouth,
close your eyes at that.
You look around me and past me and everywhere but to the depth of what I say.
You want to know more of my story, I suggest you see it,
shut your eyes and place yourself in the landscape of my life stories.
You want to know more of who I am,
close out what happens around us and take in what happens between us,
what happens to me in your presences,
what happens because of me when you are around,
what happens bwtween us when it is just us, or we are in a crowd.
You come at me with a list of things you want,
but you are not openned up to my words when I share what you have begged out of me.
How can you ask more of a person,
when you very obviously take less than they give.
refuse to be written
Its interesting to me how things work. I sat down about two weeks ago to write a post about the feelings that were weighing on me with the relationships I was engaged in. I was polyamourously dating two of my close friends and while not looking for anyone new had found myself completely infatuated with someone I'd just met. This someone new being really only interested in monogamous relationships.
I was caught in this place of being unsure how I was feeling and where my strongest desires lied. There was something about my someone new that made me so much more content and happy and at peace with life than the other two. While I love my friends they were not necessarily making me as happy as I think I deserve. I started with one friend and our relationship seemed to be slowly killing itself starting with unmet promises, several times over, that seemed insignificant at the time but were adding up. Along with the promises was the stress of being three hundred miles apart. There was a change in the emotional connectivity of the relationship as well, something I was told I would have to live with because she was really this way not that way I had originally encountered. So as things compiled themselves leading to a break down in the relationship someone else was adding to my dilemma and making me happy by just being around, making it hard for me to keep just putting up with things.
Somewhere in the midst of my first relationship breaking down the second friend entered into the mix. We connected in a way that felt good and added to the original relationship. Along with the addition of a third partner came the reorganizing of priorities and new promises with the first partner. Things seemed great for a short period of time but surely began to fall apart. Contact with both of the friends was reduced and nearly non-existent once again with the second partner. All of the promises made with the first began to be broken like what had happened previously. Along with these break downs was the entering of the new someone and being made aware of the desire for only monogamy.
Anyhow, the point of this was to say its funny how things work. I sat down to write about all of this, in far more detail and with far more emotional turmoil behind it, and couldn't. I tried and wrote on it for nearly two hours and just nothing seemed to come our right, everything seemed far too wordy and it was terribly difficult to figure out how to progress through the relationship explanations. With all of that said, its funny because that post became unnecessary about three days after the post refused to let me write it. I original relationships fell apart. I gave in to understanding that I was unhappy and really let go of the relationships that were keeping me there.
I've began to explore what can be with my newest interest and I am beyond thrilled with that I've found there. The first partner and I are still friends and things are better than they had been for quite some time. The second partner and I have not spoken, but that was for several days before the relationship found an end and not outside of her usual behaviors. She has been a regular disappearing act for me, which is a big part of why the relationship terminated. I am looking for people I can count on and unfortunately right now she's not ready for that. I love her to death and will always, but at least for right now we cannot work.
I was caught in this place of being unsure how I was feeling and where my strongest desires lied. There was something about my someone new that made me so much more content and happy and at peace with life than the other two. While I love my friends they were not necessarily making me as happy as I think I deserve. I started with one friend and our relationship seemed to be slowly killing itself starting with unmet promises, several times over, that seemed insignificant at the time but were adding up. Along with the promises was the stress of being three hundred miles apart. There was a change in the emotional connectivity of the relationship as well, something I was told I would have to live with because she was really this way not that way I had originally encountered. So as things compiled themselves leading to a break down in the relationship someone else was adding to my dilemma and making me happy by just being around, making it hard for me to keep just putting up with things.
Somewhere in the midst of my first relationship breaking down the second friend entered into the mix. We connected in a way that felt good and added to the original relationship. Along with the addition of a third partner came the reorganizing of priorities and new promises with the first partner. Things seemed great for a short period of time but surely began to fall apart. Contact with both of the friends was reduced and nearly non-existent once again with the second partner. All of the promises made with the first began to be broken like what had happened previously. Along with these break downs was the entering of the new someone and being made aware of the desire for only monogamy.
Anyhow, the point of this was to say its funny how things work. I sat down to write about all of this, in far more detail and with far more emotional turmoil behind it, and couldn't. I tried and wrote on it for nearly two hours and just nothing seemed to come our right, everything seemed far too wordy and it was terribly difficult to figure out how to progress through the relationship explanations. With all of that said, its funny because that post became unnecessary about three days after the post refused to let me write it. I original relationships fell apart. I gave in to understanding that I was unhappy and really let go of the relationships that were keeping me there.
I've began to explore what can be with my newest interest and I am beyond thrilled with that I've found there. The first partner and I are still friends and things are better than they had been for quite some time. The second partner and I have not spoken, but that was for several days before the relationship found an end and not outside of her usual behaviors. She has been a regular disappearing act for me, which is a big part of why the relationship terminated. I am looking for people I can count on and unfortunately right now she's not ready for that. I love her to death and will always, but at least for right now we cannot work.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Changes...
Life changes at the flip of a coin,
at the batting of an eyelash,
at the moment when the words reach the end of your tongue
or you find your lips coming into contact with a new smile.
I looked into your eyes so many times,
but now I see no longer those emotions.
I gazed upon your smile and it inspired me,
it is simply the lovely smile of a friend any more.
Moving past you is not something I shall do,
moving with you and through you,
seeing us both grow and change and develope into happiness,
that I shall lovingly do,
just not with you in the ways you may choose.
Sometimes our hearts lead us,
they take us somewhere we did not see coming,
somewhere that was not obvious to our heads.
That smile of his,
the eyes that mezmorize my thoughts,
that is in this moment where I find my bliss.
at the batting of an eyelash,
at the moment when the words reach the end of your tongue
or you find your lips coming into contact with a new smile.
I looked into your eyes so many times,
but now I see no longer those emotions.
I gazed upon your smile and it inspired me,
it is simply the lovely smile of a friend any more.
Moving past you is not something I shall do,
moving with you and through you,
seeing us both grow and change and develope into happiness,
that I shall lovingly do,
just not with you in the ways you may choose.
Sometimes our hearts lead us,
they take us somewhere we did not see coming,
somewhere that was not obvious to our heads.
That smile of his,
the eyes that mezmorize my thoughts,
that is in this moment where I find my bliss.
Monday, September 26, 2011
butch grammar
I wrote this to submit to Butch 360 but missed the deadline, however wanted to still post so here it goes....
What pronouns/nouns/adjectives do you prefer others to use when talking to or about you? In comparison, are there any that you just can’t stand?
I have for awhile now not liked the use of pronouns at all, since they all connect to a specific gender/sex and I don't really care for that or fully identify with either. I've noticed I'm often less offended by male pronouns, but still resent the assumptions they imply. When any pronouns are used I tend to stick to non-gendered like they/their. While I've been ridiculed about the plural sounding choice, I still prefer them.
Being called someone's girlfriend is also something that pushes a few strange buttons in me, it feels alienating. I tend to stick to more neutral terms like partner or significant other, though boifriend is a fun play on normative relationship titles.
I also find that the person who uses the pronouns/nouns effects how I feel about their use. When it comes to my family for the most part I just smile and nod along with their use of extremely feminine verbage in reference to me, they saw me through the daddy's little girl, pretty princess, ballerina days. But when it comes to friends I have a bigger issue, especially those who declare themselves with in the LGBTQA community. When it comes to professional settings I tend to again smile and nod and put up with choices, though I am working on becoming more comfortable with coming out as not so comfortable with the feminine labels.
One of the biggest things that I am working on as far as words used in the discussion of me is the use of my legal name, its been about five years now that I have introduced myself in social settings by a name other than my given name(bare) and while I know some of my friends have been using that name others have not. I understand that there are people who have used my legal name in reference to me since we met, their making an attempt to not use it would be very much so appreciated and I'm having issues convincing some people to respect that request. I have very recently come up with a new nickname(JC), one that feels appropriate for me to use in both professional and social settings and have hopes that this name will find itself sticking better than the previous. I find this nickname as gender neutral as I seek to have in a name I am regularly regarded by and not quite as much of an eyebrow raiser.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Stitch a chara,
I love you, to the ends of the world and back. You are amazing and beautiful and I am beyond grateful to have you in my life. I don't know how to talk to you about what's going on with me right now but I wish withe very fiber of my being that I could. I just don't know how to talk to you about the fact that I don't trust anyone, especially not myself. I love you and you love me. We both promised we knew what we were saying when we said it, that we truly meant it, so I do not in my rational mind doubt you in the least bit, even in my irrational mind it is not you that I question or doubt. I question myself I wonder if I even know what it is, do I know how to love well enough to deserve what you are giving me in loving me. I feel horrible that I fairly regularly asks you to reaffirm it, but I am beyond happy that you do, and without ever a word of unhappiness for the asking. You assure me that you are serious about loving me without my asking, you laugh along and assure me in my awkward fishing jokes, and whenever we talk about my issues you remind me that you still do; its something I certainly need, I am afraid to lose someone else I love for being too whatever it is I am. The last time I planned a future with someone I was unimaginably hurt and while you are different, this is so familiar that its hard not to think about it. I have to bring myself to see all that sets you apart from that situation, from every situations that's gotten me hurt and then I'll be able to avoid feeling afraid of you, of planning a life with you, and of loving you. You are not like she or any of them ever was. The most important thing is that you when I am with you or not are always on my mind, not in a creepy way but in a if there were to be one person I'd like to share this with kinda way. You are there because you're not interested in loving me with stipulations, with requirements of all of my time and energy and to the extent that I no longer exist when you're done with me. I see this and everyone important to me see this too. The last time I planned to plan out a life with someone I had a crowd of people telling me to be careful, make the decisions that were right for me, if she loves you she'll wait for it to be right for you. This time around everyone can only say they want to meet you, they're excited for me, they think you must be great because I care about you so much and that everything about me now seems happier, healthier. I love you for who you are and who I am with you, I love you for helping me to be someone I love. You found me in a rough patch and without meaning to you're helping me out of it, and when you mean to it helps too. If you can stand to live through this pit I'm in with me I am certain that we will find a place that we will find to be more beautiful that any we have ever known. You care to work and try and commit to this which is beyond amazing to me, I've never felt that entirely encompassed in love. You want to be there for me and comfort me even when you have no idea what to say you're still determined to say something. You say the wrong thing and it doesn't hurt or make me cry or anything because i disagree but because it is only wrong because you are the first person who gets it so well that you do not know how to sooth it away, you want to face it down and talk the details and the realities. I love you for this but I don't know how to deal with this because no one ever gets it enough to force me to deal with it. You when put on the spot answer everything the way they never could, the way I needed someone to, the way that makes me feel bad for having tested you because it feels so natural for you to answer the way you do, to react the way you do, that I never should have questioned it. You are the exact person I need right now, and I hope like hell that you'll be the exact person I need always. I hope you feel the same way and always will too. Be it fate, or destiny, or okcupid that is to blame for us finding each other I am happy that we both chose to move back to Michigan and that you out of nowhere decided to say hi to me again.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
...I'll be damned...
If I were a cutter there'd be gashes...
If I were a burner they'd be 3rd degree...
If I were a druggie I'd be higher than the sky...
If I were an alcoholic I'd be comatose...
If I knew how to kill myself you'd never be reading this....
If I listened to nothing else he said, I can tell you...
If I am asked, that dad says suicides leave notes and tell others hoping they'll be stopped...
If I can make no other promise it is that...
If I really wanted to do this...
If I really knew how, there'd be not attempt just success!
every one's got answers but never solutions, so we all figure out how to deal in our own ways...
If I were a burner they'd be 3rd degree...
If I were a druggie I'd be higher than the sky...
If I were an alcoholic I'd be comatose...
If I knew how to kill myself you'd never be reading this....
If I listened to nothing else he said, I can tell you...
If I am asked, that dad says suicides leave notes and tell others hoping they'll be stopped...
If I can make no other promise it is that...
If I really wanted to do this...
If I really knew how, there'd be not attempt just success!
every one's got answers but never solutions, so we all figure out how to deal in our own ways...
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