If ever...

If ever I'd hope that love would be enough

it would surely be now as I sit here in this wedding gown

tears falling down.

If ever I'd hope that faith would be enough

it would surely be now as I sit broken in this church pew

with you.

If ever I'd hope that wisdom would be enough

it would surely be now as I recognize all that I know

hopeful it will show.

If ever I'd hope that this life would be enough

it would surely be now as I cherish what is true

before I am without you.

If ever I'd hope that enough would be enough

it would surely be now when life has fill-ith my cup to the brim

and I fear I cannot swim.

Reflex-ions

I say never say never, yet I write a list of things I'll never do...and then cross them off as things I have done or think I shall change my  mind and add to the things I shall do list.

Shame my parents...unfortunately that came at a great price to us all and was in a way unavoidable to me that I had hoped would not. I always heard we'll love you no matter what and you can be whatever you want to be when you grew up...and watch as the concept of being a whole list of things came out as shamers. I am and always will be one of those things...gay/lesbian/queer...despite the word I use it all plays out the same way, they don't like it at all.

Be untrue to myself...I've done so too many time to recount but lets just say women and love have unfortunately been the leading factor in my demise on this front.

Be someone unlikable...I've yet to fully understand this one but for some reason the family of someone I thought would be a forever really did dislike me and lead to forever having an end date...December 27th that date haunts me more than any of the others that do, one of the few dates in my life period that I can give you a spot on the calender to place it.

Let myself off the hook for being someone other than who I always suspected I'd be...this has been something that has lead to me being much happier to be honest entirely. I am not who my childhood dream of me was, but I have learned far more options of what one can be and accepted that they are what is in store for my life and that I really do like it. I was always going to be a white picket fence, handsome husband and great life very early on, while holding down a teaching job and being an amazing parent kind of adult...I think I'd still like the fence and I'd love to be an amazing parent but I'm sure that the rest is not in my immediate scope and I've got five years to make my dream age for my 1st child come true and I'm no where near settled down or sure of exactly what I want out of a lifetime commitment enough to be close to conception day. Oh and that handsome husband thing, someone is a lot more likely to call me that than I them.

Know so much about myself that I realize I know nothing about myself, much less the world I attempt to exist well in.

Be someone who cries as easily and frequently as my mother...I was ashamed of how little of her emotional baggage she could take and how easily she let it crumple her as a child. I struggle every day to see strength in my need to express emotions so readily and not see myself as a weak person because of how little I let go before I reach emotional breaking points.

I'm scattered and skewed from what I expected, what anyone expected and I've yet to learn enough of myself to know if I mind it as much as I show or anyone else says I should. I've got my own expectations to define and live up to...and I know that the main one I've set for myself thus far is to set them all for myself.

Putting the Past Out There

I gave more than I had to give,
and you gave less than I need to live,
you took more than you knew you did,
but getting it back will cost more than I have to bid.

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I hear

Bitter sweet rhythmic melodies

Promises made

Hearts left untamed!

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I wander off to find that place in your mind;

Where love has never been lost,

Where hurt has never been the cost.

I wander off to find that place in your soul;

Where there is a rip you’ll let me mend,

Let me care for it, for you until the end.

I wander off to find that place in your heart;

Where you hide all that you hold dear,

I only wish to see your treasure have no fear.

We wander off to find that place in this world;

Where you and I can learn to trust,

Baby this is something we must.

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I'm flirting with danger and crushing on fantasies, but I want to fall in-love with reality.

Learning Me

I am...
slow to love
fast to forgive
not one to forget
hard to read
easily reading others
hard to hold onto
nearly impossible to lose
hard to get back
easy to love
hard to forget
not one to take things lightly
seeking out the true me with every step
seeking to know the true you with every breath
looking for love everywhere
dying without love would be my grandest regret
defining love differently than most
defining love in multiple ways
loving others for being themself
loathing others for be things I wish to be or not to be
impressed by self expression textual, auditory and visualt
tired of being put into boxes, labels, categories
running an uphill in a battle against the world
the toughest obstacle being myself
questioning everything internally
afraid to put many of my questions out there
seeking a life with less opportunities for regret
regretting nothing, I'd rather learn from it than feel shame for it
experimenting and experiencing
letting my true self live out my life, finally
unsure of how to express some of the things I wish to
learning to be okay with others reactions to my expressions
losing the fear of rejection, unfortunately by being rejected
a Leo, that's a fire sign, as much as I'm not religious about astrology I get it
one to start fires, figuratively...though sometimes literally
a bridge burner when I am angry
a tire burner when I am racing into something
one to get passionate about things and go headlong for them
a very monogamous creature
unsure of what else to say, yet sure there is more to say also...
going to come back and edit this again soon probably.

Memorabilia

When I set out to write this blog, I had a single poetic phrase...
Things only last for so long, maybe that's the way it's meant to be. There is only so long that you can walk around with the memorabilia before it's as tarnished as the memory.

The back story...
There are things we get with people at the places we go to with them, things we hold onto to remember how we felt that day, how close we are to them, how much we care about them. These things we get can be in reference to the place, our self, even times directly about the person we're with. We all do it to varying degrees, but we all do it to some extent. Whether its that stuffed animal from the zoo with your best friend or that t-shirt from your first concert with a lover. Some people are selective of the things they get, some pack rat like no tomorrow with everything they could possibly choose to get. Some people shove the things out of their life as soon as it is seemingly over with whomever the feelings and attachments to the item are for/about. Everyone processes and chooses how to move through life and their emotions differently.

Now here's my dilemma. I am one of those people who has a good deal of things that I've held onto that draw me back to moments, places, people and emotions that are either completely still there or completely dead or somewhere in-between.  Most of these items are more about me or the place I was than the person I was with, but there are always traces of whomever bought it for you or you got it with. This is especially a hard pill to swallow for me with two specific items I own. (three if we're being technical.) These items are a dog tag I got at the Milwaukee Zoo (the item that started all of my thinking on the topic), and "the twins" they are two Build-a-Bears that I have had for 2/3 years and they probably are one of the things I hold the most emotional ties to.

Item one--the dog tag. I got this item at the Milwaukee Zoo with a at the time close friend. We still talk now and I know her as well as I ever did but I feel like we've grown distanced by our physical distance from one another. Any how this is an item that has been worn nearly every day since it was purchased. It went on the day I got it at that Zoo and comes off only when pretty much inappropriate to wear due to one reason or another. Recently I went to put it on and felt as though it has become more of a habit to wear than a representation of what that day meant and thus a real desire to wear it. This sparked my thinking about how we hold onto our memorabilia of life and people. This dog tag is getting worn down and discolored and resembles itself in the original purchase condition less and less the longer I have worn it.

the tag...

me wearing it

Item two--the twins. I received one from my sisters for my 19th birthday and the other from my fiancee on my 20th. In the course of our time together my now ex-fiancee and I considered them our children, even now she ask me about the "kids". I had been quit closely attached to my first bear as it held the love of my sisters in it and had been a pretty successful security blanket for me at school...this was something no one touched or held and I willingly left this item with the fiancee while I took my new little guy home once she got him for me. This new little guy came to be my new security blanket, it held the love of the woman who had my heart, how couldn't that be secure and comforting. I now after being separated from my fiancee have possession of both of the twins, they are rightfully mine after all. In these two bears I would say I hold much of the love and security I have ever had from anyone of importance, while there are some other items that have similar importance, they are an epicenter of love and security for me. The point is that much of their importance at surface level comes down to them being my ex and my kids and on a certain level that alone makes it so I don't know that I would ever be able to do away with them. However, it is memories far more than just being romantically involved with her that have me so entirely wrapped up in the possession of these teddy bears.

The twins and me

Ok and now that I may have lost my entire point to this post I'm going to try to make it....

I feel like there is a draw to hold onto the emotions and feelings of relationships and encounters and experiences but do they wear away with time, or evolve into something else entirely.
This dog tag seems to be an example of the wearing away that can happen, like the dog tag itself breaking down and becoming aged. I feel extremely distanced from all of the memories of the day it was gotten, I recall it but like a long lost dream, not an event that marked something good in a relationship (as I once saw it). They say you seem to romanticize what has passed and not recall the bad until it is upon you again but I feel myself letting go of all the romatisizations of that relationship and only recalling the bad of that day, and many of the days that marked that relationship.

With the twins however, there is a very different understanding of what is now my feelings on them. There is a sense of eternal attachment to my ex-fiancee, the level of being each others everything that we were, the level of love that was shared, and the amount of struggle and triumph we shared, binds us to one another in so many ways. I feel as though this is something her and I have really come to know with certainty, we will always love each other with a part of our heart, soul and self. Things could have gone differently but they didn't so our forever was cut short by worldly things but out there in the universe and cosmos there's more than meets the average eye. So as much as there are days when everything seems like a repetitious redoing of things done past, I recall that there is nothing repetitious about the love I feel from holding tight to this memorabilia when all I need is love.


So...now that I am done, I have no idea if I made my point or if I just bantered on but its a decent post to get out there into the universe, I may come back in a day or two and edit it, once I have some perspective to approach from. (edited 10/26/10)

The Start of a World of New Things

I recently began reading a friend's blog on here and decided that it was about time I had somewhere I expressed things in a formal fashion. I don't do diaries because I feel like putting it in a book never to really be touched again is boring, but I'm going to try out the idea of putting it here and maybe even finding my way into posting into circles. I have an idea for a first really great blog but I am far too tired at this point to put it out there right now. I need to work on getting that blog written but until then I thought I should get the de-virginization done with.